So much more to say

It has been a while since I have posted last. I am looking forward to being a little more consistent. There is so much going on and my heart is just torn out of my chest. The things with my kiddo persists but even more so, things just persist. Last weekend, I had had the most difficult time. I had been to an ornament party at my pastor's house and thought that it was a good idea. Well, no. It was not a good idea. I had no idea that there would be so many lit candles and the scents from them made a huge difference. It triggered a massive migraine and I was in so much discomfort for the weekend. I am a bit discouraged. I do not care for such migraines, but I did what I knew that I was supposed to. I did my best to sleep and to focus on moving beyond the migraine. This is so difficult when it comes to such intensity. Getting in a quiet and dark area was important. But! I did take opportunity to talk to many about this. If so many "love me", then why don't they step forward and look. I was in my rig falling into deep sleep, coming out of it, then going back into deep sleep. I heard a lot going on around me and I had realized that I might have passed out several times. Regardless, I did ask others around me if they had felt any concern regarding my situation. Guilt? Yes. Some should feel guilty. If they knew that I was sick, then they should have said something. Yes, during chemo, many saw how physically strong and determined I was. This strength, determination and strong will to continue was misunderstood. We should be made to feel guilty if it means that we overlook what we are to do for one another and walk past it. This is nothing less than apathy. Why should we feel so cold and heartless regarding those people who we say are important to us and we walk away from our human obligation to seek after the care and keep of the other? Why should we be so heartless about what is needed to be done? It simply happens. We do not feel that it is necessary to get that done.

The issues of the home are persisting. Now, my kddo is in more trouble than last year. Yet, the troubles that have existed within has been the neglect that has occurred from others who have not been there to help out. Very few have come to the home to help. So far, only three people have come. This is not on a regular basis; rather, it is sporadic. One person has come only once. The other person comes on a more regular basis and the fellowship is good. But, this is only for me and not for the family unit as a whole. The third person only has come a few times and helps with some things. Please do not misunderstand me; I look forward to all company. However, having cancer creates a lot of need. Why isn't it that the need is not met? Why are so many people afraid of it? Cancer is not catchy. I have said this before. Cancer is not catchy. The attitude of no help is catchy. Being selfish and self-centered is contagious. We must break the mold. And why can't we? That is a golden question for another day. I look forward to answers and I am just that person to be able to get those answers.

It is time for healing. It is time to get things on the move. Yes, I know that the days ahead with the kiddo are going to be difficult and tumoltuous. And! I do know that my LORD has said that HE will never leave me or forsake me. I am HIS.

Working on. Pushing on. Seeking on.

I can and therefore I must

I am deeply amazed at some things. I must say that I am eager to see the light of what is going on in my home. Yes, it has been a year now since I have started my chemo and gotten into the mix of things. In a few days, I will have had my head shaved from what was going on with chemo. For the anniversary, I have had my head shaved again. But, that is just the tip of the iceberg. This past several weeks, there have been so many difficulties in the home that I cannot just sit back and hope for some relief. No, the relief does not come. No, the relief is not anywhere in sight. But, I keep working through these difficulties. I am not happy, nor pleased at the events that have been going on. Yes, the kiddo. What do I say?

Well, it has been nearly seven months and the tiny livestock is still here. No matter what I try to do, it is not going to go away any time soon. It does not help that there are other parents that the kiddo goes to visit and that she brings it to their house. I wonder what goes on with other parents regarding all of this. I would love to have a conversation with some of these parents and see what they know about their own children. But, I wonder if they really do care or if they are just waiting the time until they actually move away from home. I wonder. I cannot help but to wonder. I am tired all the time and have a lot of stress and anxiety built up regarding all of this. I have no relief. I look forward to relief. In the meantime, I must be able to get my tasks done and completed. I really want to some time to just relax and to get my obligations completed.

These matters are just a concept for some. This is my reality. I look back at the year of events and no matter what, I am no closer to getting some answers. What must I do? I am going to figure some things out if necessary. Parenthood is very difficult for me these days. The lies that I am given and the behaviors that I have seen add up to many things. It has been a long year and now, this? I still have so much to do.

And then, I thought that I would have an adult night with some of the ladies from the church. Oh, was I wrong. So, I made a small faux pas and now, do I feel small for it. "oh, just wanted to tell you something small...about your phone". Ok. I have to remember that I am with people that are very "soft" around the edges. I have to remember that I must keep a distance from many or they might feel put off with me. It is amazing. So many do not undestand the past year and how do I explain it all? I can't. I will not any more. What is mine, is mine. I have no desire to keep others in the loop about what is going on. How can anyone understand what is going on. At times, I do not understand what is going on. But, I do understand that I must go through this. I am hoping and believing that this will improve.

Looking. Hoping. Believing on.

For every season turn, turn, turn

For every season turn, turn, turn. Good song, but the application can really hurt at times. When I last wrote, I was being angered by some things that were not right at the church. Yes, two of the ladies have been a very interesting crew. Two persons who took it upon themselves to discuss personal information out of turn to each other. So, since then, I have been asked for forgiveness from one person and not the other. It seems that the other person has not appologized for their behavior. This is wrong. It has been a long year and what irritates me the most is the injustice behind what was done. Sure, we all do bonehead things; but, what we do with all of that is up to us. Are we going to change what we are supposed to change, or are we going to be willing to take some strong medicine and change things. I am willing to take some strong medicine and I am willing to give some strong medicine.

It has been a long and drawn out week. Last week, I had had an appointment with my OB/GYN. We were discussing some aspects of my care for the hormone suppression. All my adult life, I have had difficulties with my cycles and now, things are very much so pressing. The plans were that I was to get the shots. Well, that did not go as I had planned. Of course. The side effects were just too much and the emotional swings that I would get was too much as well. The hot flashes are continuing, thank goodness. But the Lupron that I was receiving were just that much more extreme. I cannot wait for this to be done.

So, I had asked that I could have my ovaries removed. If that were the case, then the danger of estrogen buildup in my body would be reduced and my other breast would be protected as well as other parts of my body. Well, that was going on to two weeks ago that I had had this appointment. The doctor said that she needed to speak to my oncologist and confer with him what was going on. She had said tht she wanted to get more information about my request and the outcomes of the rapid reduction of estrogen with respect to the treatments and the other stuff. I do not know how much I can take of this. I was asked if I had taken another drug and I had said no. The only drugs that were used were the tomaxofin and the lupron. Yuck!!! I really do not care for either one of those, but I was willing to just get this over with. So, I have not heard anyting back from either my oncologist or from the Ob/GYN. Makes you wonder. So much time is passing and it is good. I hate this journey, but I am learning to say much more with respect to what I have to do. I know that I have to continue with the journey. I have no choice. But, what I have noticed just the same is that the tension, stress and the added aggravation persists. I do not like that. Paperwork beyond all things and from that point, more doctor's appointments. I still have to get my other mammogram and a return visit with my neurologist. I have had so much other stuff going on from my kiddo that it has distracted me from all other things. I really am tired. Not just weary from all of the medical appointments, but from the whole journey of it all. I work still and it is tiring to go home and find out that things were not done and etc. But, now, recently, my kiddo has been acting out and that has been taking my time away. I need to be very diligent about that as well. I still want to continue to seek after what I want to do with my business and it is amazing to see just how much time I do have. Plus reading and studying my Bible. That is another thing that I plan on keeping track of.

Moving along. Turning. Journying on.

A blast into another unknown

I know that I have said how much some things really irk me, but I have to say it again. There are some things that really irk me. So, this past week has been full of adventure and fun. Really, NOT! I should be known by now for my apparent wit and humor. There have been so many things that have been going on this past year that I just have to say should not have happened. The events of this past year have really taken my family for such a drastic change. Since my last posting, I have had to make some very difficult decisions over my kiddo. She is 15 years old and now has the experience of having smoked marijuana. Where do I start? I do not know.

Since my diagnosis, I have had to accept that I am not in control of many things. Yes, I am not to be in control of many things. However, I am still responsible for making sure that my family is taken care of. There have not been many to come and help and every time that I think about it, I get very furious and very angry. I know, I realize that I must put that to the LORD and ask for help with this. This past year, I have seen so many strange and difficult things that have really been damaging to my family. I have had to be home trying to take care of myself while I watch my daughter go out of control with boyfriends and the like. I have suspected many things--primarily sex, drugs and smoking. I know two are correct but I am uncertain about her having sex. I know that I should not be so sure about that. It is possible that she may have been doing that as well. I have watched her go on while I have been helpless to do anything else. I was only able to take care of myself and that was barely at that. I worked and brought home a lot of money and attempted to stay in class. I was a fool about that. But, just the same, I did make an actual effort to keep in touch and in stride with things.

I watched her as she did bonehead things. I watched as she tried to make decisions about herself and trying to be very grown-up. I have attempted to make conversation and to no end. I have watched while others were not there to help or to provide any support. Cancer sucks!!! I have watched many things. People around me just did not know what to do. I was ostricized for so much and so many people kept their distance from me. While I was having difficulties with the things that were stirred up from past assualts, I had to war with myself about many thoughts and actions. I had a very difficult time. But, this month has been especially frustrating as I have seen some things become central.

I had to call the police on my daughter for drug paraphernalia possession. Now, she will be going to report and will have this on her record for some time. She has a lot to do to make up for it. Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that her liscense has been revoked and she will not be able to regain in for some time. This really solidifies things. She is getting the help that she was supposed to get many months ago.

Too, she has been itching and scratching. Yes, the tiny livestock!!! They have not paid rent either!!! I hate those things. I had to treat her this past weekend and it was more than what I could bear. I cleaned the entire apartment. But, what precipitated this was the straw that broke the camel's back--really. I was told that I could not come into our Home Group because of all of this. But, what was more aggravating was that one of the ladies from prayer had taken it upon herself to call this other person out of panic. So, I get the phone call of "I just heard"! Well, that was not for her to hear and passing on gossip was the hardest. At the time, I had no idea who had shared. So, I had asked before Sunday service. I did express to this person that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just cannot accept this type of behavior. Because my kiddo has had tiny livestock, I was not allowed to come to Home Group. Ok. So, let us fight fire with fire. When I chatted with PM, he told me that they can "jump". Well, ain't that about the most ignorant thing that I could have heard. SO, yes, I did. I emailed him with correct information surrounding these little critters. I was really amazed that this "well read" person did not know what he was talking about. Yes, I took it upon myself to correct him. Yea, chastize me later. I really don't care!@!

So, I had called this person and had expressed on voice mail that I was not going to return to prayer. I additionally expressed that the tiny livestock was nothing compared to the infection that I had acquired during chemo that was more contagious than the other little critters. No one seemed to be afraid of that. They were more concerned about the tiny livetock than a potentially contagious skin condition. We shall see, won't we!!! Am I upset? Oh, yes I am. This makes me feel more like a leper than when I did with the cancer treatment. To continue, I had called the other lady and left the same message on her phone that I did with the other. The first called back and apologized for her behavior and was concerned that she would have to step down from her position as prayer leader. I had told her that it would be unncessary because we all do bonehead things. She was nearly in tears (yes, I have to say that it was a little rewarding to hear that gossip can be punishable by emotions). I had expressed to her that she was not to step down and that despite her calling the pastor, I did not want her to step down. (I called the pastor myself and expressed the same thing.) Good! She can have a few sleepless nights like I have had for months. Yes, for months. Now, the other person has not called me to have any conversation. But, that is ok. What I told both of them will make a huge difference. Let us see just how much gets around the church. I will be happy to hear what is going on and let the ball roll where it may. I am so tired of all of this. For such a long time, my daughter has heard the rumor mill and so now, I have added something that everyone should reallly enjoy. I am looking forward to hearing some good juicy gossip come back to me. I am also looking forward to the looks and the separation and the distance. I am going to enjoy this once again. I have had my trust invaded and now, this is just not easy to handle. It is back to square one in some aspects. But, for the most part, I certainly hope that these persons learn to grow up and understand what they have been preaching. Be kind to one another. It really does make a difference.

Pushing in. Pressing on. Listening and watching.

Headaches and migraines

Headaches and migraines! I really hate them. I had noticed that I did not put any magnesium in my mulitpack that I take every day. For the past month, I have not had any significant migraines until this weekend. I am tired from them and I am not enjoying the day with them. Of course, they are not a whole lot of fun. I can see that the magnesium has been helping out quite a bit. I am glad that my neurologist suggested them to me. It is a whole lot better than taking any regular med that might cause any long lasting side effects. I have been doing my best to stay on top of drinking my water and eating well. Sleep? Well, that is an issue all of its own. I have been working a lot of graveyard shifts and so I am very tired. I wish that I could take just a few days off from everything and relax. I need to relax. I would love not to have to worry about anything for some time being. That would be great.

I met with PM after church today and it was intersting. Normally, the little one, PM and myself would meet after service, but today, my little one slept in because she was tired from the downstairs neighbors. I really do not like that kind of noise while I am sleeping or away from the apt.

I was so tired from the night shift. I have one more for the week and I will be a happy camper. A couple more shifts like this and I will be paying off some bills quicker than what I was expecting. It would be nice to have some things done and out of the way. But, I am tired. I hate the headache feeling and the way that I am slow and not on top of things. It tires me out incredibly. I really hate it.

Just the same, it is good. I really could use some sleep.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Sleeping on?

Still moving along

Today has been a very long day. Well, actually, the past 24 hours has been incredibly long. I have been working my usual graveyard shift and I am extremely tired. I am so tired that I am wired. What a strange feeling. Just the same, I have had very little sleep, if any. In a matter of a few hours, I will be home and I will be ready for bed. I will take my morning vitamins and off to "bed". I have seen an incredibly long day. I was able to make my ENT appointment and it was what I had expected. I am normal. Yes, do not laugh. I am normal. But, my ears and throat still hurt. The doc said that he could not see anything wrong with the exam; just the same, the pain persists. Yes, I have a clue as to what is going on. However, I must not let the worries and stress of post-chemo life weigh me down. Because of the chemo, I have some permanant side effects. My ears will be one of them. While my hearing is not changed drastically, I can tell the difference. The changes are subtle. In some aspects, I can hear some very strange things. My hearing is heightened. It is a pain in the rump; but, it is what it is.

I have to meet up with the neurologist now for the results of my MRI for my migraines. YES! post-chemo life is not the same. In many aspects, I am busier with medical appointments from all that the chemo/blood-sludge/toxic mud did to me. BUT! Praise GOD! I am pressing along. Too, I am really amazed at how much I am. I am still working and am really amazed at how I survived chemo and working. BY the grace of GOD I am here! I really have to say that. With all that I have to go through with medical appointments and the obligations that I have, it is amazing how I fit it all in a day. I get so tired and I get so filled up that I do not want to do anything else in a day. And I realize that I must do it. If people only knew what I did in a day. Well, perhaps, after these postings, they will. But, I do know that only a few people read them now. HA! It is a safe place to write my feelings down. It was very funny how PM had told me the last couple of weeks ago for me to "talk to someone". I have been quiet and that scared him, I suppose. But, there have been many things that have been going on. Silence is a good thing. It can be used to rely upon when the emotions are so bogged down. It is not a bad thing. It actually is a very normal and healthy compensation. I just do that again! It was interesting to see the response.

So, I am tired. I am looking forward to some sleep and getting my bedroom in order. I have several knitted and crocheted projects nearly complete for donation. I am looking forward to the donation!

Pressing in. Pushing on. Beginning more.

Things on my mind

For the longest time, I have been trying to get this posting done. Now, here I am. What have I been up to? Well, things are very chaotic just the same. I am working on so much and yet I feel as though I have not been able to get anything accomplished. It seems that all I have been doing is to just work and come home. There is so much to discuss here.

For the most part, I have been making my doc's appointments. I have met with Dr. B and we have discussed my referral. This is something that I have been hesitant of, but I have been wanting this. I cannot handle the injections or the other medications and so, I have asked for a salping-oopherectomy. Too, I want to ask the OB/GYN to take the whole thing. I do not want to go through this all over again and the treatments are being exhausted. Sure, I could wait four more years to see if the cancer will come back, but I do not want to have this happen. Dr. B and I did argue a little bit about what I wanted to have done and he was saying that it is possible that the lack of hormones are what are causing the feelings that I have been experiencing. Ok. So, lets explore this. I feel horrible. The side effects that I had with Lupron were all the above: it felt like another chemo treatment--eyes were sore; headache; stomach upset; constipation; itchy; rash; hives; rocky emotions; and hot flashes. Not that I don't have enough hot flashes, but these are horrible. It was not polite. So, what am I supposed to do? If we suppress the hormones, then I am at risk for bone health and dementia. So? Then, I am at risk no matter what. So, lets take the ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and cervex. This will protect my health and I will not have to worry about cancer popping up in the reproductive system.


What I really dislike is the emotional burden that I have to carry. I do not have anyone to talk to about this and I must have to put this to prayer and to have this placed before my LORD. I do not want anyone else to know about the decisions that I have to make because I do not want to be disappointed with respect to the persons that are supposed to be there. I think about this all the time. What really is our responsibility toward the other person? We really do have a lot of responsibility but we do not have the teaching today about what we are to do to reach out and actually help. Who is going to teach? Who wants to learn? I know that I do for both counts.

What to do? Where to begin? Who do I share this with? I am sharing this with you but you are so far away and not right here. Should that matter? Yes, it should and no, it should not. I really have no intention of telling PM about what is going on. I will tell JC and the Papa PJ. What matter does it make what I tell him? I have gone through all of this and no visits. Why should I be concerned? If I were married, that might be a different issue. Why should a person be worthy of home visits? I know that I must let this go. I am looking at things now with so many demands. I would love some home visits. It is getting time for N to call, but I really do not want to chat. I do not want to be told anything anymore. I do not want to be laughed at or giggled at because of not knowing what to do. I am very irritated at this whole situation. I never did realize that company and home visits were not part of the mix. I did not realize that this would be that lonely of a walk. But, I do realize that there is still so much to be done and so much to get prepared for. I am looking forward to getting the freezer stocked for the big day.

So, if I do get this surgery, then I will be very sore and will not be able to do a whole lot of lifting and carrying. This might be done laproscopically and not with a bakini cut. This reminds me of when I had my gallbladder out. I just want to get this done and over with and get things behind me once again. By taking out this little factory, I may have the reassurance that I will not have to worry about the estrogen attacking my other breast. I want all of this behind me. I remember what the statistics were for this not coming back--very low. I believe it was about 10 percent. So, this is ok.


I do not want many to know. I really do not want a whole lot of people to know. I remember the first surgery. I do not want anyone to have the opportunity to talk about all of this. I do not want anyone to pity me or to feel sorry for me. But, even more so, I do not want anyone to feel that I need to be discussed throughout. I am not the rumor mill, nor will I be the butt of the rumors as well. If no one is going to help out, then they do not need to know.


I will be doing my best to get this going.


Looking. Pushing. Pressing.

Moving beyond again

This past couple of days has been very interesting for me. I have been thinking over the past several days and the doc's appointments that I have been having. I want to ask for my ovaries being removed. What I am not sure what to expect is the recovery. I have read up on the long-term effects and I am not sure that I want to even be thinking of it. But, I do know that the treatment of all of the breast cancer has been exhausted. I need to be thinking of getting rid of the estrogen factory and do that quickly. I am looking forward to having to worry less about all of this.

I have been noticing too, that my emotions have not been as creepy and crazy. I am working hard at keeping my emotions under wraps. I was told by JC that my emotions are not a weakness. Yea, sure! I cannot think but that my emotions have been just that--a weakness. For the past year since Chemo started, my emotions have been coming to the top and I have been crying so much. Yes, Chemo has a way of making things come out. But, things really did come out. They bubbled to the surface and now they are out and I have to address them. But, now, things have changed once again. I do not want anyone to know the follow-up procedures. I do not want anyone to know anymore about my treatment or anything else along that line. I can ask for prayer and I can ask for a littlebit of conversation. But, there is a new task at hand. I do not want any more of this to be messed with. This has really been a burden on me for some time and it has been hard on my family. I have gotten quite a bit of criticism from my child. Sure, she is a teen and it is hard on her. But, I am still in need of communication and reaching out from others, but not at the extent of it creating more troubles from her. This is the hardest thing next in this journey. I do not want anything else to mess with the family. I have to deal with the kiddo getting her phone back from me taking it away. I am not pleased with the attitude that I have gotten from her and with the recommendation from PM she is getting it back. However, I will be giving my own sanctioning system and this will be something that I must be very adamant about.

I look back at the year and it has been extremely hard. I look back at this time last year and I was waiting to get the appointment with Dr. B. The insurance paperwork was all messed up and from that point, I was being tossed back and forth from the clinic to oncology and back again. I had to become my own referral and from there things began to get a little more organized. I was waiting for my surgical consulation and then surgery. I did not realize what was to come and what was to follow. Now, I am looking at a possible surgery that I want. I want to be able to put this behind me and to be ready for the next stage in things.

I can see so many other different things as well. I can see just how much PM was not ready for me. I can see just how much I really have stirred many things up. One of my biggest challenges to come will to be walking around without anyone knowing what is going on. I need to be able to carry on without giving away any more of my thoughts. "Do not cast your pearls among swines". Not that everyone there at HLCC are swines, but I do not want to set myself up for a disaster waiting and expecting anyone to understand what I am going through. I just cannot go through that all over again. This past week, N has been on my mind. I have gotten some good word about this situation. She had told me something Sunday that has put a different twist on things. I know more that PM must put his trust in these people despite the lack of knowledge or understanding that they have and to be able to work on such a deficit. It really angers me so much but that is not for me to say. I must accept this. I realize more and more that it is THIS that I cannot accept. I was told something that has hurt my heart deeply but I should know better. What I was told was that "I cannot add myself to your emotion." Ok. She had told me that she knew that HLCC was the bone of my contention. But, she did not know exactly what was at the core and this I cannot tell her anymore. So, at prayer on Tuesday, N prayed. It was like nails on a blackboard. I could not take it. It made me feel in pain and it was so unbearable. I cannot explain it anymore. I was working with a headache and to hear the pitch of her prayer was unmistakable pain. I have heard her pray like this before and it has caused me the same amount of pain that I could not bear. I do not understand why.

In the conversation with JC, we discussed expectation. Intersting, this time last year it was PM that I "spoke" with. This year it is JC. My head is reeling from a lot of this. My heart is just full of so much that I am telling myself that I must put my heart in the LORD and I must keep my conversations and my conduct different. What I can keep from others is very important. I must keep things from those people who do not understand. I must find someone that I can keep my discussions with confident. I must know who I can lean upon. My other G is in the hospital and it is uncertain, really, how he is doing. He was in for his procedure a couple of weeks ago and he is in renal failure. There has been noted some change and for the sake of the LORD I hope so. Do I dare hope that he will be mending and made whole? That sounds selfish. He has been a huge support for me. He has heard so much from me. He has counseled me. He has been my friend. I do not call many friend.

What to do. I am working hard to not have any more share with some. I want to get beyond all of this. I want to move beyond again.

Moving. Looking. Expecting.

Some new things

I have to say that some days are getting a lot more easier. I had my neurological appointment this week and I was given some good news about my migraines. I was told that these may be hormone related and that I can attempt taking things to help relieving them. I was told that I might be able to take some natural things--ginger tea and some magnesium. I will be happy to take more naturual things than the prescribed meds. I hate the side effects. If this does not work, then I will be looking at taking more than just the naturals. Too, I am going to be asking my doc to refer me to have my ovaries yanked. If these babies are responsible for all of this, I would like to have them gone. If this may prevent the cancer from coming back, I am all for it. I am happy to go through the surgery and get it over with. Too, if the hormones are causing my migraines, then that will be much better for me as well.

I know that this is causing me more anguish than I would like to say. I hate the migraines and I really hate the feelings that come with it. I hate even more not being able to really put my feet up and rest and sleep from feeling like crap. I am looking forward to feeling more rested and being able to tackle the day. I want sleep. Last weekend, I was so tired from work and school that I couuld barely keep my eyes open and to keep my feet from just shuffling too much.

I do know that I am sharing less with everyone. I am not willing to be that open again about stuff. It is not a matter of telling all; it is a matter of what I choose to share and what I want to be discussed. For the most part, N told me something that I did not understand on Sunday. "I cannot join you in your emotions". Ok. I do not understand what she meant but I do understand that if it is not in her to be able to help out, then I will not allow her to know anymore. I am slowly keeping things to myself so it does not seem that it is so abrupt. This is hard. I need the company and the convesation, but I will have to keep that to myself. I know that when I reach out, it will be ok. This is a season that I am willing to go through. When I have that confidant again, it will be good. But, for the most part, I will be keeping things close to myself. I want to opt for surgery and I do not want anyone from HLCC to know. NO ONE! It will be interesting to see how this will go. I know what I have been through and I do not want to continue to go through this alone. But, I do not want anyone to know what is going on and from there, not have anyone who is willing to help out. I will continue to pay for J. She has been helpful. But that is not her job as well. I am looking forward to having some help. But, not if it means having to sell my soul. I remember saying to PM "I beg of you, please do not ask me to do this." Reaching out to some of them that is. I want to try and reverse this. We shall see.

Looking. Reaching. Trusting.

As I continue

There are many things that I do know and that is how much I do not like what the chemo has done to me. I know that it was a necessary treatment and that without it I would not be alive. Sure. I understand. Now, I have to deal with all of the post chemo stuff--the headaches and the migraine. I was having a cluster of them at one point and then it subsided. I am experiencing one right now and it is making me sick to my stomach. I am extremely tired right now and this is not helping me with it. Sound, light, motion are all making me have great difficulty. I have to drive home yet and from there, I have to take the little one off to school. There are times I do not know how I do it. But, I do. I have a phone apt with JC and I will have to cancel that one.

Now, I have to deal with my little one and her behavior. I am not looking forward to addressng it but I will do it for however long I need to. I had to call the police on her on Saturday and that was very difficult. She had brought drugs into my house and I was not going to put up with it. I was told some very difficult things from her and I have to remember to forgive and forget. That will be very difficult to do. For the most part, I want to just go on vacation and not come back. The load of all of this is just too much. I want some things to go away but I know that they will not.

Some how, I think that my little one is doing the things that she is doing in a way to get back at me for going through what I have been through. This past year of things has been difficult. Two things she said "you have not been there for me" and "when I am 18 you will never see me again". That hurts so much. I must keep a harder outside shell and not let these things bother me. I need to show that they do not bother me. I hope that I will be successful in that endeavor.

My head hurts quite a bit and I will be calling in sick. I have to get some sleep and take some pain reliever.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Really trying hard.

One thing or another

This past weekend has been very difficult for me. I had gotten the news that one of my friends who had been battling uterine cancer lost her battle. I was deeply hurt by this and am still. No one told me about it. No one told me. I knew that she was not doing well and was becoming more and more worried for her. But, she lost her battle on August 30. This is very difficult to hear. Was difficult to hear. I know that she is with the LORD and that is very comforting to know. But, I did not get to go to her service. That saddens me. Perhaps I was not told because it would have upset me so? Well, it did.

Then, I had to call the police on my own child. I had been suspecting that she has been stealing from me for a long time and now, I have had many things confirmed. I searched her bedroom. Then I had the opportunity to search her backpack. And, what to my surprise did I find? I found one of her pencil boxes used to store her pipe and an empty baggie. I cannot say just how much anger and bitterness that has been stirred from all of this. This has seemed to be a regurgitation from last year and the lack of strength and energy that I did not have. I was not able to do much let alone get to work. Now, knowing that my child has been mixed up in sordid events makes me ill. I realize that I must get past this and to work towards the solution. The solution is going to be very difficult and I must have a lot of courage and strength.

Too, this weekend started out with more illness. I had been to the doc's office and I have been told that I have two infected ears. That just bites so much. My discomfort has been noted and for this, I am very careful about my activities. I hate not feeling well and this has been added to my stress. I have been taking antibiotics for the infection and it has helped, but it has not completely gone away. In a few days, I will have another doc's apt and we shall see the progress.

Keeping it going for courage's sake.
Pressing on. Pushing on.

Strength for the day

I am determined in many things; primarily, I am determined to see the end of these things. I am determined that the strength of the day will be found and through that strength, I will be able to handle what is sent my way. I have been reflecting on many things and today, I took a stand. As I was disucssing my next hormone shot with the nurse, I was reassured that I do have a say in what goes on with my health and my welfare. I know that for the past year, it does not appear to feel that way. In many ways, I feel as though choices have been made for me. I do not particularly care for that. This, in which I do not always care to discuss, is the formost concern for me. I do not like my decisions taken from me for anything. I like to be the main holder on things. I know that I have asked a lot of questions and sought many things; the importance on these matters cannot be just simply addressed.

I will be addressing the issues surrounding the hormone shots--lupron. I have experienced every sort of side effect from it. I was told that I had little other options from the treatments now because the hormone estrogen was the culprit from my type of breast cancer. From this point, there really is only one more other option that I would rather choose and that would be a permanant long term option--surgery and to remove the ovaries that are offensive to my body. The feelings from menopause would be substantially reduced; for the most part, I would have more protection from it longterm. I am very curious about it.

These hormones are the worst and have done more damage to me than good. But, I am working to move forward.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Discovering on.

Continuing story

I must say that it has been far too long since I have made a posting. I am looking at the previous posts and wonder about what has changed. For the most part, things have changed some but some things have remained the same. My migraines have not gotten better. I have actually had them so bad that I have been dizzy, nauseous and very emotional. I do not care for these; but, for the most part, I am still working and trying to get through these. I can feel them when they come on and when I start to get hot flashes, they seem to be connected. I was told to keep a log of how they come and what might be triggers. I wonder if my changing hormones might be the trigger. It is really hard to say. I really do enjoy being in dark rooms now and enjoy the silence, where in times past, it really made no difference. I know that I have noticed that I need to have more air to be able to survive more. I like the air! I exist to have movement of air.

I am noticing a lot of things coming from the chemo. I have had a lot of changes to my body that I am noticing and recognizing as both post chemo as well as aging. My joints, for example, are much more impacted. When I get up from a sitting position, I can see that I have more troubles. I must do more stretches and more exercises to keep things lubricated and moving along. I am still taking my vitamins and supplements for my general overall health. It is good!

I take more potassium tablets as well. I sweat so much that I have to be careful about leg cramps and Charlie Horses. I hate waking up to them. I have been drinking so much water as well to keep the body cool and eased; I wonder if I am washing out the important sodiums for regular, every day homeostasis. Today, while at church, I was told by one of my friends that keeping water, even at church is ok. I have never thought that it was ok to have water at church because I did not want to be disrespectful of Pastor. So, it has been ok to include water with the service. Things in my life have changed so much since the cancer. I can say that my body is not the same--for certain. My expectations have changed as well. My strength has changed. I have a lot of strength, but my determination has been undaunting. I will not be dominated. This cancer will not dominate me and I will not be made to submit to such and ugly disease/infection.

One of my friends has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It is not going very well for her. There seems to be more troubles in the recovery aspect than what was initially thought and suspected. I worry about her. From the last time that I had seen her husband, it was evident that things were not going as well. He was evidently worried about her and he did not want to say much because of the emotion that was tied in. I must be ready to pray and to offer myself to help when I can. I really hate cancer.

I have been very careful about my meltdowns as well. I still have quite a bit of them at a time but not as frequently. I hate the crying and I hate being that emotional in front of other people. But, I have to be patient and know that when all this happens, I must keep myself separate from others so much. I hate the emotions behind it all. Sometimes I wish that I had no emotional outbursts. It drives me nuts.

Much more to say later.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking in.

Migraines

I must say that after this long year of dealing with all that I have had to with respect to chemo and Breast Cancer are the migraines. I have had more than I would like to say and the outcomes to migraines are just more than what I would like to say. This morning, I woke up dizzy and not feeling very well. I have been looking forward to feeling much better for some time. Honestly, I think that I have a migraine all the time. If I concentrate on it enough, I can get the migraine to hit hard. I have been working hard to concentrate through the migraine. But, yesterday and today have been very interesting. Yesterday, I had to go to the tire shop and have my rig looked at. The smells of the tires and the store really bothered me. I believe it triggered my feelings for the morning. Too, the stress and worry about things has gotten to me. Then I took the rig in for repairs and the smells were overwhelming. But, I had to concentrate on the matters at hand. I hate the overwhelming smells all around me.

I look forward. Next week, I will have some bloodwork that needs to be gotten done. This bloodwork will determine what type of hormones to take for the treatment. I have to say that the past month of no medications has been nice. I have had the worst hot flashes ever, but that is the way it goes. I sweat all the time and from day to day, I have no idea what migraine may hit or how I might be feeling. When I get a hot flash, I get nausous. That is the pits. I am always sweating and my hair is always wet. But, one good thing about having very short hair is that it drys very quickly. Something to be said for the positive. When will all of this be over? I hope soon. But in the meantime, I am giong to be enjoying things and be looking forward to fun events. I am looking forward to this month being done and looking forward to making more yarn projects and the like. I have a new impetus. I pray that this new impetus will be favorable and exciting. It is time to get the school work back in the works.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Moving along.

What should I do

Today was a beautiful day. The sun was out and the temperature was just perfect. However, after a long night at work, making church service seemed that it was a moot point. Everywhere that I turned, it was filled with colognes and perfumes. I am getting so tired of this. All I want is to be able to breathe air that is clean and without any types of scents. I had to leave the church building and that was just so much. I love going to church, but the smells of everyone was really bothering me. I hate it. There is much alternative for me when this happens. I want to make service and yet cannot sit around everyone who is wearing perfumes or scents. I can smell the cigarettes on T. I can smell the scented deoderant on PD. I can smell everyone!! I hate it. I really do. Then I started getting a headache from it all. I ended up taking some pain reliever and then putting my feet up in my rig. All I need to do is put the seat back and then from there, take a few minutes nap. I do that so often anymore, that my rig turns out to be my bedroom. How much fun is that.

I hate being so sensitive to everything around me. I hate that everyone just does not seem to care to be bothered that it is such a difficulty with me. Perhaps my paradigm needs to change with respect to what others perceive to be a difficulty. I hate that I feel very helpless with it all. Having headaches and little energy from post chemo and now menopause is driving me nuts. But, I do know that what I need to be doing is what I am doing. I am eating well; I am taking my multivitamins and supplements. I am working on getting better sleep. I am working on getting more exercise in. I am working on getting my dojo going. I look at the apartment and I am more pleased with the stuff that I am getting done. Anymore, I am living out of my bedroom. There are no messes to be made from there. Just go to bed, eat, sleep and then off to work once again. What a life?!

So, there are many things that I am working on in the meantime. I am working on several projects and striving to keep things afloat. This will happen because I have chosen to keep myself filled with all diligence at the prospect of being more successful with my daily life, my personal walk with the LORD and then from there, what I need to do with my family. I am working diligently to be obedient to the LORD. I am working on being just that.

I know that I am not looking forward to the bloodwork that is coming up in a matter of two weeks. I am tired from it all and I feel that I need to really get prepared for the draw because of the anxiety that will be accompanying it all. One day, there will be a time that the anxiety over needles and all will not be there. In the meantime, there is much prayer to be had and to concentrate and be focused on what is to come. I can do this! I must encourage myself with it all.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Encouraging on.

Retrospect

I have been thinking upon quite a bit today. I have been so tired from work and all. I have to say that I have been working very hard. This time last year, I had found my lump. This time last year, much hell began and from that point, my life and the life of my family was turned upside down. I hate it. I really do. The lives of many have been changed and from this point, I have seen quite a bit of quality in others. I have seen the quality of friendship in many and the lack in others. There really is quite a bit to say about all of this because there is so much that has happened.

I am thankful for one person in particular--G. I am thankful for such a thoughtful and compassionate man. I look at what he has helped out with and say that he is the kind of individual that we should all be. I have seen many of my friends just sit in the sidelines and not do anything. One thing that I have been wanting is for someone to just get up and get into my face and get things done; however, people in this state do not do that. They wait for you to speak up. Sometimes, it is hard to do that. With G, he is from the East Coast and does not wait for anyone to say anything. He gets into the mix. Why people just do not do what they are supposed to do is beyond me. I am really in a twix about that. I really am frustrated about the lack of support that I did receive. So, the issue has turned out that it was my fault for not bringing it to others' attention. How does that go? Not quite sure.

I am frustrated that many say "I am there for you" but that is a set of empty words. Then, be there. I am angered that a few words of "call me" or "you are in my thoughts" are so empty. Yes, this is CANCER. No, I am not a leper. Yes, this is hard. No, this is not going away any time soon. Technically, it will be done in 5 years. After the hormone therapy, I will be considered to be cancer free. In the meantime, it is a matter of watching everything and to be concerned that CANCER can be around the corner. There will always be that concern. However, I am going to focus on what I know. I know that I am healthy and I know that I will be working out and working toward getting to that 5 year goal. I want to be active and part of things and from this point, I will be harrassing many. I will be working on many projects in my life.

I do know that I need to be working on what is going on in my family. My own siblings have been distant and non-existant. Some of my friends are very close to me and I have very few that are really considered to be my sisters. I have one that is especially close to me. She is so important to me and I value her in my life. I have another, I am learning to value more and more. I am thankful for her in many aspects. Learning to understand differences in personalities in other women is very important. But, I have to say that I can really appreciate that the measure of love is really tested with CANCER. I hate to put it that way. I have had many words with many and many do not know my words. I have to be very careful because my spit-fire personality can really put it in.

So, because of this past year, there has been much that has suffered. I need to get my girl into some serious rules and things. She did not pass her freshman year at school. Because I have had to work through chemo and radiation and there has been little help, I need to get her into some serious schooling. This is so frustrating and angering. No one can understand what hell this past year has been. No one can understand what kind of hell this walk has been and all I have gotten is "you are in my thoughts". Yea, thanks. What I will be needing to do now is to set up some type of game plan for sophomore year. Oh boy!!!

I am looking forward to things becoming a little easier. It will. I know that it will. I am believing and hoping for it.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.

Moving, looking, seeking, hunting

I am really feeling the crunch of many things. While relaxing between jobs, I have noticed that I have gotten too much sun. I have a burn on my chest that is bubbling. The radiation is not all that too far away for me to be caught uncovered from the sun. I have some good SPF and will be needing to carry that around with me to protect me from the sun. I am learning to keep my do-rag with me to protect my scalp. But, for the most part, I have to keep it with me because I have been hotflashing so much that I have to wipe my face and my head from all of the sweat that I have been producing. It is so bad that I feel as though I have been in a shower. I have had to keep a close eye on my sodium and potassium levels. I have been experiencing quite a bit of leg cramps and leg aches. I have been practicing keeping my feet elevated when I can. Ever since my 2nd chemo treatment, my right heel has been hurting and it has not stopped since. Then! Of course, just the clutz that I am, I feel UP! the stairs to my client's home. Yes, it was a bit embarrassing. But, if we cannot laugh at ourselves, then what. That is what I have been doing. Laughing at myself. I have a bruise on my left knee, but that is about it. I was figuring that I would be more sore; but I am not. I try to keep myself limber with workouts and exercising. It works. It is my dojo.


It will be nice to get back to my dojo again. I have been so tired from work that it is very difficult to get back into the swing of things. But, I do my stretching and my exercises. Since the end of chemo, I have put on 16 pounds. I am not all that excited that I have gained that much weight. My clothes do not feel good on me. But, I should be happy that chemo and Vit R are all done. I am. Really I am. There is much to be said about recovering from Cancer.


I am glad about many things. I am glad that my emotions are coming back in order. I am glad that I have more energy. I am glad that I have more time in the day that I do not have to run all around for treatment. I am glad that I am not all that constipated from treatment. But, I am not glad that I have had so much to deal with.


I am looking forward to some distance from chemo. This time last year, I found my lump. This time last year, my life was turned upside down. I remember my Pastor telling me to "share" and not "vent". I remember the torment of what was giong to be coming up. I remember the bttle with the doc's office and the insurance company. I am looking forward to this being just a figment of my imagination. But, some how, I do not believe it will. I am looking forward and moving on.


Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking on.

Moving beyond normal

Today has been a very interesting day. I am so tired of all of the side effects and physical complaints of what chemo and radiation has done to me. I am so tired of this all. Today, I have had a horrible migraine. Combined with being so tired and not getting the help that I have been wanting has been difficult. I am tired of trying to keep it all in and not letting others know how I have been feeling. No, it is not easy to get up in the morning and know that I have so much work to get done.

I have been experiencing a lot of leg cramps. They have been so intense that I could be on the floor rubbing my legs and just crying. I have to make sure that I have a balance of sodium and potassium. I have been drinking a lot of water, exercising and trying to eat right to be able to stay on top of good health. I have been drinking my milk and making sure that I get the right amount of calcium and protein. Tonight, I have a nice tub of cottage cheese and some strawberries. I will be working on resting and keeping my feet up as well to be sure to rest all around. I am tired, but I am going to persevere.

Pushing on. Persevering on.

Returning thoughts

It has been several months since my last post. I am looking back now at the entire year. This month last year, I found my lump. I am looking back at everything with my eyes so wide open about so many different things. I have finished my chemo. That was hard. I have finished my radiation. (I have called it Vit R.) The burns have healed and I am back to "normal" with things. I feel quite like a new person; however, the oral meds that I am supposed to be taking had made me very sick. I had had a migraine for nearly two weeks without a break and it was bothering me something terrible. I look back and see just how tired I was and how compromised I was during the ordeal. I still managed to keep working and completing my daily obligations. However, I can say that I was not all that successful. My family and I have suffered from and through this ordeal. My daughter is very angry and the lack of communicaiton that has occurred during all of this. No one seems to be wanting to talk to her about this. She has seen me in pain and crying. She has not seen me in pain or crying except for this past year. One day at service, I had to step outside and cry. I was in so much pain and discomfort that she was very upset from my pain. No one knows what to say. No one knows what to do. My goal is to look forward to her getting some comfort and closure about all that is going on with other around us not helping. We are our brother's keeper and we should not let each other off the hook about their responsibility toward each other.

Pushing on. Pressing on. On with more passion.

News that I do not like to hear

Today, I spoke with my boss and she is going in for a breast biopsy as well. She definitely sounded a little morose. No one wants to be diagnosed with breast cancer and it is the most difficult thing to go through when you are told the worst news. She also told me of another one of the care providers that is battling this and she is not doing well. I cannot say just how much I hate hearing of this diagnosis and how many women get scares. This journey has been one of the most difficult ever to go through. Until you go through it, you cannot imagine the loneliness that is associated with it. The "you are in my thoughts" makes no difference. The lack of support and encouragement that you have to grasp for is unbearable. It is a quiet and desolate existance.

Now, I am finished with my chemo and I want to be there for others. This is the most exciting thing; however, it would have been so much better to have someone there all the time. Distance makes no comfort for having someone there all the time. I cannot wait to be stronger to be able to be the best clinician that I can be. Did you know that? I bet you did not. I want to be the best health professional ever.

I think that the lack of support is the most evil thing ever. No one comes to see you or wants to invest in their time to be able to say, "I care". I am thankful for many things. The prayers.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Praying on.

Sometimes I would rather

It is just a matter of a few hours before I get started on my very last chemo treatment. To say that I am excited is very much so an understatement. I really cannot say how much I am excited about all of this to be done. But, I do have to say that I am very much full of anxiety. This is the very last chemo treatment and I do not want anything to go wrong with it. I have been awaiting this for a very long time now and I am eager for this to be set behind me. What is coming next is radiation and that is much unknown to me now. I look back at this and see just how much I have had to endure that I wish that I did not have to go through. When I discuss this with others, I get a mixed review. I spoke with Prayer G today and I did not realize that he was an ambulance service driver. He would drop off and pick up cancer patients for services. He said that he saw first hand what some would go through and that he did understand what was going on. When I had told him of the cancer, I saw him cry. I hate crying myself, but I hate even more seeing people that I care about cry. Prayer G has been one of the most important individuals who has been supportive for prayers. He always inquires about me to my kiddo when I have not come in to the gas station to fill up. Now! I have a Prayer J! She is awesome. When I go to the grocery store, I always go through her aisle to get that hug or that encouraging word. I have to find it somewhere. I know that I may not always get it in the places that I would expect, but I sure need to get it. I have been hunting down the encouragement and it has been hard to find at times. I must admit that I have gotten bold about vocalizing my cancer. I am not looking for pity; rather, I am just standing up and saying "this bites!" Sometimes, it is good to speak up and say that I am not having a good day because of this. If I can be bald and go through chemo, then "you" can do this. Yes, I am tired because I am bald from chemo. Yes, I am full of attitude because of this chemo--I hate it! Yes, I am emotional because of chemo--you would be too. Yes, I could use company--but this chemo scares people. Yes, I would rather be doing something else--but I cannot right now. What I am doing right now is just assessing myself and getting ready for more change.

Change is good. Change means that facing the crossroads of things are necessary. Not that I have needed to approach a whole lot of change in my life, but change is always good and should always be welcomed. I was reminded by my Pastor that whenever anyone faces life changing events like this, evaluation does come. So, the next thing would be is to see if that change is going to be life changing and to continue to allow things to be challenged? My personal belief systems--I have always been bold and intense. Well, maybe. When I was a teen, I was not as bold and brazen, but I was. Over the years, I have become more. When I became a parent it changed me. Now, this has changed me even more. I am bolder and more brazen and I am [more] intense. I am looking forward to more. I am looking forward to being a juggernaut and to make changes that will create and instigate things. Anyone who knows me knows that I am meaning business. Only the LORD knows the days of my life. Only the LORD knows what is going to be my future; but, I can say that I will not disappoint HIM with whatever appointed time I have.

I am looking forward to the preparation of radiation as well. I have no idea what it coming, but I know that things will be better than what I have expected. I know that whatever that may come my way, I will have the courage to handle it.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Courageous on.

Approaching chemo #6

I must say that I am getting very excited about the final chemo. I am not looking forward to the side effects; but, I have to say that they will be the last time I will ever have to experience them. I know that this will come and go quickly. However, I do have to admit that I am very leary about what to expect. My last chemo went ok. I was able to prepare myself for the constipation, the upset stomach, the irritation to my mouth and lips, the dry sinuses, the dry skin, the irritation to my scalp and oddly to say, the irritation to the palms of my hands. For some reason, my palms felt as though they were on fire. I have had a very sore throat for some time and my eyes are constantly hurting. I have had a migraine for well over a week and this is irritating. I have been able to work with a migraine now with little effort. The chemo has amplified the effects. I have had to wear my sunglasses more and to keep some things at a low light.

I am looking forward to some changes. I have had to take more stomach acid pills this time around. I was planning on not taking anything, but the burn to my stomach and my throat was too much to bear. I have been able to eat more food and I have been able to drink some coffee! I have had to purchase coffee with chickory and make it light with a lot of milk and honey. I am very thankful for honey! It has been so good for my throat and stomach. I will be learning more about these foods to be able to help others.

Radiation will be coming soon and I am not all that thrilled about it. I will have to be able to withstand the blasts and be open for everyone to see. This will be a challenge for me. I certainly hope that when this happens, I will be able to withstand the exposure. I will be getting a tattoo as well. I have been told that this will be for diagnostics only. I really am not all that thrilled; however, I see the importance of it. I will have my schedule soon enough. I am waiting on my paperwork soon enough.

In soon enough time, I will be able to discuss the chemo brain. I have been so fried from the chemo. It has been embarrassing.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Moving on.

Another beat goes on

Well, this morning was interesting. Seems that some things never get old. So, the kiddo says to me more "bla bla bla". The teen-age shows that I hate just get to me. The logic of a teen just escapes me at times. I would love to be able to get past some of these things without saying anything but it just does not happen. I am working on chemo #6 next week and that should be my last one. I am not looking forward to more chemo but I am glad that it is coming to a close end. I am tired. I am tired of the whole bit that makes me feel so strange and so much of an outsider. I can say that some people really do understand what I am going through. This is hard. This is another beat that must go on because the choices are small. Go on or go out. I cannot go out. I must go on. I have so much to do in a day and that is just part of it all. I must find a way to continue. Radiation therapy will continue quickly after chemo and I am going to be choosy about who I tell about the chemo. I do not want many if anyone to know that I am going through this. It will be good to be treated like a part of the "crew" again and the judgment will be less. I hope. Hopefully, the feelings of people needing to not talk to me will change. If not, then I can continue on and bear with the rest of the journey. I will have this all said and done by July. That really is not all that far away. I am looking forward to seeing this done and out of the way so that I can have a normal life once again. Whatever that was. This ordeal has been just that. I have been blessed in so many ways and I have been bruised in so many ways.

I do have to say that I am glad for some things being stirred up. I am looking forward to having the manner of like moving on without some of this headache. I see things in a different manner and my time is used for so many other things. I am happy that it is. I can see that there are things that are trivial. But, this is not trivial. I am still looking forward to just some relaxation and so fun to be had. I am looking forward to getting back to my regular life of stuff and keeping some things secret and hidden again. I am looking forward to people not knowing what is going on in my life and for it to be just a matter of when I had some difficult days.

One person really comes to mind from church though. I have had so many difficult days of crying and breaking down that I just have hated for things to be the way they are. I know that I do not want to be isolated for the random hugs. That is something that I do not care for. I know that I am working diligently on many things. But, I do not care for anyone to just randomly come up to me and give me a hug. I really do not care for random people, who have never been invested in all of this, to come up to me and just ask about things when they have no clue as to what is going on. If they have not been there at the beginning, it makes little to no difference where they are at this point. There have been people that have been there at the beginning and are not there now. I really hate it when I am told "I am sorry that I have not been there for you". And it continues.

I am facing the last chemo. The last of the sore body, sores in my mouth, soreness to swallowing, the indigestion and the burning. I am looking forward to hair!!!!! I am looking forward to my body recovering from the chemo so I can travel and be around larger groups of people. I am looking forward to the fact that no one will know what is going on. I hate my life being on display.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Moving on.

Things just continue to happen

Have I said how much I hate chemo? This has interfered with my life in so many different ways that I just cannot begin to say. Today was a repeat of just things that have been going on since the very beginning. Because I look so good after chemo, it is hard to imagine that I need help, or company, or anything else supportive. No one seems to think that I need any kind of help or support--emotional or physical. Chemo #5 has come and gone and I am facing #6 not too much longer. My body hurts and I am just looking forward to some adult time. But, like I have contended from the beginning, adult time does not belong to me. The responsibility of others is just escaping me.

This morning before service, my kiddo decides to pull something stupid on me. "I am tired" she says. Well, what am I? Again and again it is thrown up at me that I have to talk to people about things. She just does not get it. I was happy to keep all of this to myself and get through this without anyone knowing. I really regret telling anyone anything because I still get to sit by and watch everyone just "you're in my thoughts" responses. My body hurts. I am looking at housework by myself. I am looking at long days by myself.

This chemo has really screwed with me in so many ways that I cannot say. I have to be delegating my time around everything that I do. I cannot stand too long after chemo because it tears up my energy level. But the strange thing is that exercising through it has been saving me. I really hate it! I really, really do. And when everyone asks me "how are you doing", I just cannot figure out what to say. "How do you think that I am doing?" "Do you really want to know?" Another G says that I should just say "I am fine, and thank you for asking" and leave it at that. I am going to have to figure out a way to say it with a convincing face. Radiation will be starting soon and I have to figure out life through that for 33 treatments. I do not know how I am going to get through that. This just gets better and better.

Pushing on. Pressing on. What to do on?

What may come my way

Today has been a very quiet day. I have been working all day from one assignment to the other. I like assignments like that. I will be working the weekend as well and keeping very busy. I really like that. But, what comes my way is a lot of hard work and some solitude. I can handle that. I am realizing more and more that quiet and solitude will last until all of this is done. I am left with feelings in which others do not and cannot understand. I have worked hard to reach out for communication and I realize all that much more that I this is my journey and mine alone. I know that "many people" want to help. I am realizing more and more that I do not want to make others uncomfortable by what I am going through. Some people need to feel uncomfortable to get them out of their "zones" but this energy is not mine to expend. I am very tired. I am looking forward to getting back to what I am familiar with and to just get my priorities in order and to choose them wisely.

Now, this has been several days past chemo and I am very hungry and tired at the same time. I have eaten well today and I need some sleep. I have been eager to eat some chocolate and to have a cup of coffee, but I am very leery about that. So far, the chemo side effects have not hit. I am expecting them to very soon. I have been noticing that my eyelashes are thinning and my eyebrows have thinned quite a bit. I cannot wait for the last chemo to be done! I am looking forward to looking my normal bit and to be ready to look better. My physical appearance may look good, but the changes that my body has gone through is something else. I feel as though I will never be the same. In many aspects, I will never be the same. I am glad too! But, what others see me as and what I see me as are going to be forever changed. I need to accept that and regardless of how comforted I might not feel, there should be little matter. I need to continue to press on and to seek order where there appears to be no order. I am tired and I am looking forward to some semblance of order.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking on.

More than just what I have

I know that I have said this many times, but I want to be more than just existing. Usually around chemo, I experience the most emotions with respect to this journey. I have just completed 5/6 treatments and I am getting so excited that they are almost done. I am experiencing a lot of anger and resentment at the aspect that I have little help. Yes, my teen helps some, but that is not her primary responsibility. It stresses her out as well. I am angry because I remember asking for help when this all started. I remember saying how much I "DID NOT" want to go through this alone and this is what it has been. ALONE! What more can a person take when the emotions are so rocky from chemo and it is blamed on "my emotionalism". OF COURSE! I am emotional and isn't that all the more reason to help out? What did I do to deserve no help? I get angry, bitter and resentful and have to pray harder to have that lifted.

I have been told that I am strong and that I do not look like someone going through chemo. Well, I have to say, I have no choice. I cannot roll over and just allow this to happen to me; but I do know that I am very tired of no help. I am working some weeks 6 days a week and I am tired. I have had long days of sleeplessness because of surgery, or chemo or death in the family--in which, I got no condolences whatsoever. How much more can I take? The longest day that I have put in thus far was 54 hours of no sleep because of work and the death of my Aunt. How much can a person take? I did not get any recognition that she had even passed away. She was closer to me than my own mother and this has hurt so deeply that I cannot say. But, Caren is strong and Caren is supposed to keep things together. I look forward to some help.

Soon, radiation will start and from there, I have no idea what to expect. I know that I can keep going to work and that the radiation will not affect my clients. That is very kool because I cannot afford to take work off. But, I am afraid of the prospect that I will not want to be touched even more. I do not know how this will be. I know that when my family came to see us last month, it was awesome. I told my cousin to never stop touching me. This whole ordeal has been so long and hard and I cannot say how I have felt and how I have had to keep it to myself. I am thankful that I have started this blog. I am thankful that I can vocalize myself and not have any concerns from others that I am thinking the wrong things or that I should just suck it up or that I am seeking pity.

I can honestly say that the outcome to all of this will make me a better person and professional. I want to be able to reach out to others who need. I want to perfect my recipes and get my cookbook done. I want to be able to be the best Public Health Professional that I can for the best of the community. I want to be able to have a place in my church where I can be the best servant. I am working hard on that.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.

Approaching Chemo #5

I have had a very long week thus far. I am preparing myself for my fifth chemo treatment and the horrible side effects of this new one. Although I have not tossed my cookies, I am not thrilled at the prospect of being that tired and exhausted again with very little help. I am not looking forward to the loneliness of sitting in my home, watching tv and waiting for the time to pass. Why am I so uptight about this? No one has really been there all this time to come by. I have to ask for it instead of it just happening. I need to get a grip and accept this fact and that I should not hold on to the aspect of the disappointment. I must continue to press forward regardless of what I am going through.

I have been working to get through the term as well. I have contacted my school to let them know that I need to withdraw from the term. I got behind the weekend that S spent the weekend, I have been behind. I have been wrestling with this for such a long time. This person is the only person who has absolutely no clue about what is going on. There is no understanding about how tired I am or just how spent that I can be from just sitting up and talking to anyone. Yet, there is always some kind of demand and emotional need for communication and for something to do. At times, I really have regretted telling anyone about this. I hate the attention and the questions. I especially do not care for everyone to know every personal detail about me. When I am with S in just getting out and about, there is a need and demand to talk about so much personal stuff. I really do not care for it.

I do realize that these days are hard and that "people just want to help". I do not see that. I do understand the human aspect of interaction and engagement. But, while I am going through this, I do not like to try to navigate through the emotional mess. This upcoming treatment has me reflecting much like the other treatments. I have to say that I am excited about getting past the last treatment. Looking back at the first one, it has seemed that this has been an eternity. I have had so many emotional days and meltdowns that I just hate what this chemo has done to me. I hate this chemo more than anyone can ever know and I am glad that it will be done. I have never questioned so much in my entire life other than when I have had to address my own mortality. I have passed out, had all the icky side effects, other than tossing my cookies, the exhaustion and the feelings of just being separated from others. I do not care how I have been treated. My body is forever scarred and my emotional heart has been sent through hell and torment. I am looking forward to being so much more than I used to be.

I can say that in many ways I am a better woman. I have grown to know more about me and to learn to trust some key persons. I am all that more determined to not be like some others and that when it is time for me to really get into full swing about my career, I will be the person that I wanted others to be for me. I know that I can only initiate some change and that change has to begin with me.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Initiating on.

Enter the weekend

Sometimes weekends feel like "enter the dragon" more than anything else. This weekend, I worked again. I am very tired and my migraine that I have had for the past week has been just unbearable. This has created more of confusion and challenge than anything else. I have not been able to concentrate on things like I should; however, I have gotten it done. This started Friday of last week and just started to take momentum to what I have now. I would love to be able to have some coffee right now but this chemo has messed up my stomach more. Although I have not tossed my cookies, I can tell that some foods are more aggravating than others. No, I have not taken an pills to help with being able to have some coffee. I would just rather not drink the coffee and be able to naturally manage. I have had some chamomile tea though and that has been good for me. Why I did not think of that before, I am not sure. Looks like tea is going to be my forte!

The house is cleaner. I now am down to the adult kitties and I am very pleased with that. The bill for cat food and liter will be a lot less. Too, having to worry about the "cat scratch fever" is lessened and I am not going to be so anxious about the clean up. I have to say that the noise is a lot lessened and the excitement of having these little critters is gone. It is amazing how so many people just do not get it. It should not matter if anyone understands cancer treatment; it is important that people offer a helping hand about what they need to do to help. That is the thing that gets me the most and I have to learn to get over that. I have to accept that the help will not be here like I would like it to. I have to prioritize my day to get the most out of it. This includes my computer and tv time. I do not spend as much anymore on the tv and I have been working on many things on my computer. I am reminded about how structured my days were when the little one was born. I feel that I need to get back to that kind of structure to survive.

Today, I have slept quite a bit. I have been able to rest, but it seems that the more that I lie down, the more tired that I am. I know that I am long overdue for some rest. I am working hard to get caught back up and to get ready for the next term. I am tried and tired. Seems that they should be on the same page, but that is what I am. Tried and tired. I am hoping to get that kind of structure again.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.

I hate this loneliness

One of the most angering things that I have been experiencing for the longest time is the loneliness. I really do not care for the excuses that some people use regarding why they cannot help. Today, something my Lady had said to me about her son and why he cannot help out with the care of his father that really hit me--he says that he wants to help but when asked, refuses. She has more family than I do and I get no help whatsoever in my daily activities. But, I, a chemo patient, can help a dementia patient. They treat me like family; I know that I am not. But, I am accepted for the bald-headed freakazoid that I am. I hate that I do not get any help at all. When I get home, I have to drag myself home to get things done. If I mention anything to the kiddo, there is a warming for a meltdown. I have to keep things to myself and not mention anything at all. This angers me so much. I am supposed to be working on my own health, but I do not have anyone that will listen to what I have to say about not getting help. Somehow, it turns out that it is my fault for turning people away. "But mom, so many people want to help." Sure, pardon my resentment and my doubt that anyone wants to help. If that was the case, where are they? One gal says that she is available to help, but I have to go and get her. When I am tired, why would I want to drive to get anyone. Why is it that I am the one that has to pick that person up.

I do not get it. I am very tired, angry and jealous that others can get help, but I cannot. I work hard for myself and to keep my things going. And I am criticized for thinking that my home is too clean. Hardly! I have five cats still, and I am the only one taking care of things. What am I to do? Where do I go to get the help? I am criticized for what I think and I have to give an explanation as to why I am feeling the way that I am. I hate that. Why is it that I just cannot have a meltdown, and it be ok? Why do I have to protect others' feelings? I do not know.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Feeling on.

Moving on to more

For the most part, this week has been very long. I have been experiencing some uncomfortable side effects from the new chemo. However, I have not tossed my cookies at all. I simply refuse to loose them. But, I am noticing that coffee and chocolate irritate my stomach more. I have a burning sensation to my throat that is annoying when I have too much in my stomach or when I have a cup of coffee. That is ok. I do not need to have any coffee at this point in time. I do realize that I am more tired from things when I am like this--no coffee! I am going to work on this very much. I wonder what kind of caffeine that I will be able to take in that is not coffee? What kinds of tea may I drink that will be ok? I am looking forward to more--I have a lot of energy. I am looking forward to my stomach feeling much better. But, I have to realize that I only have 6 more weeks of chemo and then from this point, I will be entering radiation. I do not have any idea what to expect in this regard. I am "excited". Can I use that with respect to chemo? In the meantime, I have been quite full of so much. I have been discussing more about my chemo with some at church. But, I cannot help fighting the feeling of just "small talk". Not many really want to know, but I am beginning to understand more and more about how this looks to other people. My attitude about this all has changed and I am not in any way concerned about how others think abuot this. I have been learning that this is just my issue and not anyone else's. To some degree things do bother me and I am learning to bury some things. I am also working hard at not letting my tears out. I do not like the tears and I do not care for others to see it. I have never been a one that likes to express a whole lot of emotion. But some things can be fun. For example, there is a couple at the church that have been so available for many things. It was funny--I did not realize that N thought that I was on steroids when I walk. Ha! I walk for many reasons but not because of the steroids. I do not take any! The reason I walk is because I have so much anxiety in me and that I have emotions that I do not want to express outwardly. It is better to just pull myself outside and then to walk. If I feel caged and do not want to be touched or approached, it is easy to escape outside and to walk. I look forward to someone to walk with and to pray with. I hope that this will come soon enough. I really could use the assist. I will pray that it will come.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Praying on.

And it follows along

So, today was an interesting day. I had to get so much done that I figured that I would start from point zero and just make the loop. For the past several days, I have had so much heartburn from chemo. I have had coffee and chocolate this week and I have been regretting it since. This has been tiring me out quite a bit. I was so glad that Friday had come that I was absolutely giddy. I was able to sleep in with a couple of hours to relax and then got ready for the day. I was able to eat a decent breakfast of french toast and eggs. They were absolutely wonderful. I used honey on the toast which helped my throat. I have had a very bad sore throat for several days now and it has been bothering me some. I know that it is chemo and that I am not coming down with anything. I am experiencing all of the chemo side effects--bad throat, nose hurts, headache, tiredness, lethargy. I have not been so nauseous that I have gotten sick. I absolutely refuse to do so. However, I am very careful not to overload my stomach. I am going to need to get back to my trusty warm milk and honey with my coffee and make it light. I love my coffee, but I do have to be very careful. Without coffee, I am very tired and cannot get to things. Plus, a caffeine headache is not what I want at this point.

I am working to keep the water going. I have been sipping on water this entire time of chemo and it has been very helpful. I have to be very careful about the amount though. Too much water on my stomach can do the same thing. Just the same, all appears like it is going through the same course. The first few days after this new chemo drug was the pits.

Too, this week has brought me more headache than what I would like to have. I have been having to address things at the school and that has been taxing me. I was so angry for a few days and had gotten some good energy to attack the situation. I just am getting so tired and having such a load sometimes makes me very resentful. Too, NCIS was involved this week and the dirt bag made a contact. This is going to be taxing me as well. I need some strong energy and medicine. LORD give me strength!

The family doc is involved as well. He was able to send a response back to the school and I requested that he send me a copy of everything so that we can stay abreast of things. I am very eager to get to the end of this matter; however, it looks like I will be contacting legal counsel as well. Oh, I am looking forward to the end of these matters.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Waiting on.

Managing

I realize that this is what we should not be doing--managing. But that is how I feel. I feel as though managing is the perfect word. I am so tired. I am so compromised and so many things are getting to me. Today, I had to drive all around town to get things done. Bloodwork was late but I got it done. My blood sugars were dropping and when I finally got to the deli to get a sandwich, I was ravenous. I was able to eat a smoked turkey panini and a bottle of water. I am really enjoying the water. This has been so refreshing to me. But, to be able to eat a whole sandwich barely a week after chemo is really awesome. But, I am so tired. I need encouragement and someone to look at me and give me directions. But, the way that I am, I might bite them off and feed them to the cat. Oh, I am just so tired.

I have been wondering about my next chemos. I have two more appointments coming up before the chemo and that is just for bloodwork. I know that all is looking good and I am hoping that I will be able to get to radiation soon. This will be something. I will be open for everyone to see and I am not looking forward to how this will effect my emotions. What excitement!

This week just seems to be so difficult of a load to carry. I am really frustrated with so much and everything is bothering me. All my home chores are behind and to boot! The rig smells like it is rotting from the inside out! EEEWWWW! And I have to drive in it. I need help with things but I just do not know anyone who will be happy to help. Then again, that wonderful trust factor that just does not fit into the picture.

Too! I have heard too many times this week that "people just do not know what to say to a cancer patient". Oh, if I have to hear that one more time, I am going to scream. Is this a Facebook moment? I am getting so tired of it all. I just do not understand how some people can be so heartless. In all of this, I have not gotten meals made for me, cleaned house, no cards, no flowers, no nothing except! that my boss brought to me the cutest Snoopy that plays music. This I will cherish! People wonder why I am so quiet and withdrawn at times. Why is it that I understand how to encourage others but on one can do this for me? Or, actually, it is done at a distance from people that I will never be able to touch or get to really know. But, I know that this is the most important thing for me! Why is it that people cannot just step up to the plate and get things done?!?! I do not know. A kind word turns away wrath!

My body is going through more changes as well. My fingernail beds are changing and they are becoming more dimpled. I was told that it would happen. I was told that I might have fungus, but I do not. My nails are very hard! I have been taking my vitamins and supplements and am pleased that they are working. Too, my throat is sore tonight. I have a very sore tongue and I feel like I need to conserve my voice. Just one more day of talking and then I can just relax and use sign language. I have been working on that more and more.

So much to do and so much more to go.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Managing on.

I am beyond tired

It never ceases to amaze me about how much that I have to get done in a day. Today, after being up 24 complete hours, managing after a hard chemo, I had to go to the kiddo's school and address an important matter. Regardless of the three hours of sleep that I barely got, I had to address an issue at the school where improper procedure and lack of communication existed. I am amazed that regardless the battle of just going through chemo is not enough, I have to continue my regular tasks. The house is a mess and all that can be done is to pick up the little stuff and to keep on top of everything with as much energy that I do not have. What suffers? Everything suffers. I am so tired of the entire mess and that to know that I am the only one that does it all is getting to me in so many different ways. I am getting tired of the lived in smell, the clutter and the mess and to boot! I am told that this place is not all that bad. But, it is to me. And that is the issue.

I wonder how others manage when they have to go through all of this. I know that others may have family support and the support of friends and loved ones. Oh, this is such a little dilemma. I know the adage that the "grass is always greener". Perhaps this is true. Doing this all by myself has created a lot of anger, frustration and resentment that I am left to do things all by myself. I have a teen. How much help can this be? Ask others? There are so many excuses that I get. I just do not get it.

I know that my exhaustion is speaking loudly; but, I am exhausted and things are really bothering me to no end. I really want a break and to have some private time. I do not believe that it will happen any time soon.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.

Moving right along

Of all the things that has been bothering me the most is the lack of energy that I have been experiencing. I have quite a bit of energy right now but the amount that is not there is really bothering me. As I walk around my place, I am doing what I feel is like the "chemo shuffle". I have already had to work and this has been so tiring to me. I am looking forward to some very needed quiet time. I have been working in my apartment to get things clean and everything around me is bothering me. This is just crazy because the spots on the floor are bothering me. I am starting to fixate on the stuff that cannot be done and it is really bothering me. Not too funny for my liking.

But, for the most part, I am eating fine and am getting more energy. I hate this lack of energy. I am looking forward to some coffee as well. Without the coffee, I know that this is really effecting my energy level. My coffee is a normal part of my day and without it, I am having a great difficulty. But, come next week, I will be having a cup of coffee and it will be fullfilling in ways that a cup of coffee should be.

I have to get focused on many things though. While I have some special time, I need to get focused and I am battling in this time. I need to focus much better and get things prioritized. Help me LORD!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Focusing on.

Post chemo 4

Well, this has been the most interesting of them all. I am so tired from this chemo that I could just cry. Crying would not be good enough because of the energy that I would have to use to do it. Everything has been bothering me. The smells in the apartment and the stuffiness from being so tightly locked. I have tried to turn the heat off and let some air in but then again, I have had to get up and close the window because it has gotten cold. But, the air has been stirred.

I did not go to church today because I did not have the energy to go. To get dressed would have taken all of my strength and that would not be worth the battle. I was in bed so much today and that helped out a lot. I think that I slept about 6 hours today from it all. The chemo effects have really been noticeable. My energy level is gone, but I can eat. I refuse to be nauseous and vomit. I have not thus far and I will not. My mouth is starting to get sore from the treatment and so far, my skin looks ok. I have been keeping an eye on that. My nose is ok for the moment. I have been working hard on just keeping water going and that makes a huge difference. I have not had any coffee either and so that will add to my exhaustion. I am looking forward to getting a good cup of coffee.

I have been keeping my feet up and that is driving me nuts. I am going stir crazy and with no one to talk to, it is really keeping me on my toes. However, the cats have been keeping me busy and that can be another subject all its own. Go figure! I look around at their energy and want just a little touch of that. I will be happy when I feel a little more human instead of a lint ball. Stella has got to get her groove on!

I am working hard on getting my homework completed as well. This has been a huge source of my emotional battle. I feel like I am useless in things. I know that I am doing ok, but my emotions tell a different tale. I am looking forward to the end of this battle.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Battling on.

Comes the night

Today, I had my next treatment. This was something that I did not want or expect. I had the appointment with Dr. R first and that was very rewarding. After a great conversation with him, I was very reassured that everything was going accordingly. I have always believed that this is very treatable and it has been thus far. I have had a lot of difficult days and that is something that I had not expected. Looking back, I can see how difficult they have been. I am amazed at the strength of others.

Dr. R examined me, used some great humor and expressed to me that the course of action was very good. He told me that my numbers were "excellent" and that was very good for me. The next course was to get to the infusion center and to get my next chemo treatment. The chemo that was used only lasted but only a few minutes versus an hour. It was red and I was told that this drug was going to be more harsh on my body than the other one. If I were to expect anything, more nausea was the next thing. HELLO NO! I refuse to vomit and I will continue to use my wits and smarts; however, I will continue to believe that the LORD is in control over everything. I had one of the ladies from church sitting with me, N, and she was a greater help than what I had expected. She is a woman of valor that I did not expect. Even more so, she was the individual that I needed to keep me lifted up in prayer as I was experiencing some difficulties with the injection. I really hate needles more and more and I am looking forward to not having these for a long, long time.

I was given another injection as well to assist in my white blood count. I was told that my numbers were excellent; just the same, the injection was just a prophylactic. That went into my belly. Since I can no longer have injections, blood draws or even any blood pressures taken in my left arm, I will have to donate my other body parts for some other needles. Oh, how fun!

After I was finished with my treatment, G brought me home. I am grateful. He has been one of the greatest folks in all of this. He shaved my head again and that was so much fun to watch the tiny white hairs go. I gave him some music to listen to as well and he was very grateful. It is good to see his face light up. It is all that worth it. It is my attitude adjuster.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Adjusting on.