Moving on to more

For the most part, this week has been very long. I have been experiencing some uncomfortable side effects from the new chemo. However, I have not tossed my cookies at all. I simply refuse to loose them. But, I am noticing that coffee and chocolate irritate my stomach more. I have a burning sensation to my throat that is annoying when I have too much in my stomach or when I have a cup of coffee. That is ok. I do not need to have any coffee at this point in time. I do realize that I am more tired from things when I am like this--no coffee! I am going to work on this very much. I wonder what kind of caffeine that I will be able to take in that is not coffee? What kinds of tea may I drink that will be ok? I am looking forward to more--I have a lot of energy. I am looking forward to my stomach feeling much better. But, I have to realize that I only have 6 more weeks of chemo and then from this point, I will be entering radiation. I do not have any idea what to expect in this regard. I am "excited". Can I use that with respect to chemo? In the meantime, I have been quite full of so much. I have been discussing more about my chemo with some at church. But, I cannot help fighting the feeling of just "small talk". Not many really want to know, but I am beginning to understand more and more about how this looks to other people. My attitude about this all has changed and I am not in any way concerned about how others think abuot this. I have been learning that this is just my issue and not anyone else's. To some degree things do bother me and I am learning to bury some things. I am also working hard at not letting my tears out. I do not like the tears and I do not care for others to see it. I have never been a one that likes to express a whole lot of emotion. But some things can be fun. For example, there is a couple at the church that have been so available for many things. It was funny--I did not realize that N thought that I was on steroids when I walk. Ha! I walk for many reasons but not because of the steroids. I do not take any! The reason I walk is because I have so much anxiety in me and that I have emotions that I do not want to express outwardly. It is better to just pull myself outside and then to walk. If I feel caged and do not want to be touched or approached, it is easy to escape outside and to walk. I look forward to someone to walk with and to pray with. I hope that this will come soon enough. I really could use the assist. I will pray that it will come.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Praying on.