More than just what I have

I know that I have said this many times, but I want to be more than just existing. Usually around chemo, I experience the most emotions with respect to this journey. I have just completed 5/6 treatments and I am getting so excited that they are almost done. I am experiencing a lot of anger and resentment at the aspect that I have little help. Yes, my teen helps some, but that is not her primary responsibility. It stresses her out as well. I am angry because I remember asking for help when this all started. I remember saying how much I "DID NOT" want to go through this alone and this is what it has been. ALONE! What more can a person take when the emotions are so rocky from chemo and it is blamed on "my emotionalism". OF COURSE! I am emotional and isn't that all the more reason to help out? What did I do to deserve no help? I get angry, bitter and resentful and have to pray harder to have that lifted.

I have been told that I am strong and that I do not look like someone going through chemo. Well, I have to say, I have no choice. I cannot roll over and just allow this to happen to me; but I do know that I am very tired of no help. I am working some weeks 6 days a week and I am tired. I have had long days of sleeplessness because of surgery, or chemo or death in the family--in which, I got no condolences whatsoever. How much more can I take? The longest day that I have put in thus far was 54 hours of no sleep because of work and the death of my Aunt. How much can a person take? I did not get any recognition that she had even passed away. She was closer to me than my own mother and this has hurt so deeply that I cannot say. But, Caren is strong and Caren is supposed to keep things together. I look forward to some help.

Soon, radiation will start and from there, I have no idea what to expect. I know that I can keep going to work and that the radiation will not affect my clients. That is very kool because I cannot afford to take work off. But, I am afraid of the prospect that I will not want to be touched even more. I do not know how this will be. I know that when my family came to see us last month, it was awesome. I told my cousin to never stop touching me. This whole ordeal has been so long and hard and I cannot say how I have felt and how I have had to keep it to myself. I am thankful that I have started this blog. I am thankful that I can vocalize myself and not have any concerns from others that I am thinking the wrong things or that I should just suck it up or that I am seeking pity.

I can honestly say that the outcome to all of this will make me a better person and professional. I want to be able to reach out to others who need. I want to perfect my recipes and get my cookbook done. I want to be able to be the best Public Health Professional that I can for the best of the community. I want to be able to have a place in my church where I can be the best servant. I am working hard on that.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.