Sometimes I would rather

It is just a matter of a few hours before I get started on my very last chemo treatment. To say that I am excited is very much so an understatement. I really cannot say how much I am excited about all of this to be done. But, I do have to say that I am very much full of anxiety. This is the very last chemo treatment and I do not want anything to go wrong with it. I have been awaiting this for a very long time now and I am eager for this to be set behind me. What is coming next is radiation and that is much unknown to me now. I look back at this and see just how much I have had to endure that I wish that I did not have to go through. When I discuss this with others, I get a mixed review. I spoke with Prayer G today and I did not realize that he was an ambulance service driver. He would drop off and pick up cancer patients for services. He said that he saw first hand what some would go through and that he did understand what was going on. When I had told him of the cancer, I saw him cry. I hate crying myself, but I hate even more seeing people that I care about cry. Prayer G has been one of the most important individuals who has been supportive for prayers. He always inquires about me to my kiddo when I have not come in to the gas station to fill up. Now! I have a Prayer J! She is awesome. When I go to the grocery store, I always go through her aisle to get that hug or that encouraging word. I have to find it somewhere. I know that I may not always get it in the places that I would expect, but I sure need to get it. I have been hunting down the encouragement and it has been hard to find at times. I must admit that I have gotten bold about vocalizing my cancer. I am not looking for pity; rather, I am just standing up and saying "this bites!" Sometimes, it is good to speak up and say that I am not having a good day because of this. If I can be bald and go through chemo, then "you" can do this. Yes, I am tired because I am bald from chemo. Yes, I am full of attitude because of this chemo--I hate it! Yes, I am emotional because of chemo--you would be too. Yes, I could use company--but this chemo scares people. Yes, I would rather be doing something else--but I cannot right now. What I am doing right now is just assessing myself and getting ready for more change.

Change is good. Change means that facing the crossroads of things are necessary. Not that I have needed to approach a whole lot of change in my life, but change is always good and should always be welcomed. I was reminded by my Pastor that whenever anyone faces life changing events like this, evaluation does come. So, the next thing would be is to see if that change is going to be life changing and to continue to allow things to be challenged? My personal belief systems--I have always been bold and intense. Well, maybe. When I was a teen, I was not as bold and brazen, but I was. Over the years, I have become more. When I became a parent it changed me. Now, this has changed me even more. I am bolder and more brazen and I am [more] intense. I am looking forward to more. I am looking forward to being a juggernaut and to make changes that will create and instigate things. Anyone who knows me knows that I am meaning business. Only the LORD knows the days of my life. Only the LORD knows what is going to be my future; but, I can say that I will not disappoint HIM with whatever appointed time I have.

I am looking forward to the preparation of radiation as well. I have no idea what it coming, but I know that things will be better than what I have expected. I know that whatever that may come my way, I will have the courage to handle it.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Courageous on.