Managing

I realize that this is what we should not be doing--managing. But that is how I feel. I feel as though managing is the perfect word. I am so tired. I am so compromised and so many things are getting to me. Today, I had to drive all around town to get things done. Bloodwork was late but I got it done. My blood sugars were dropping and when I finally got to the deli to get a sandwich, I was ravenous. I was able to eat a smoked turkey panini and a bottle of water. I am really enjoying the water. This has been so refreshing to me. But, to be able to eat a whole sandwich barely a week after chemo is really awesome. But, I am so tired. I need encouragement and someone to look at me and give me directions. But, the way that I am, I might bite them off and feed them to the cat. Oh, I am just so tired.

I have been wondering about my next chemos. I have two more appointments coming up before the chemo and that is just for bloodwork. I know that all is looking good and I am hoping that I will be able to get to radiation soon. This will be something. I will be open for everyone to see and I am not looking forward to how this will effect my emotions. What excitement!

This week just seems to be so difficult of a load to carry. I am really frustrated with so much and everything is bothering me. All my home chores are behind and to boot! The rig smells like it is rotting from the inside out! EEEWWWW! And I have to drive in it. I need help with things but I just do not know anyone who will be happy to help. Then again, that wonderful trust factor that just does not fit into the picture.

Too! I have heard too many times this week that "people just do not know what to say to a cancer patient". Oh, if I have to hear that one more time, I am going to scream. Is this a Facebook moment? I am getting so tired of it all. I just do not understand how some people can be so heartless. In all of this, I have not gotten meals made for me, cleaned house, no cards, no flowers, no nothing except! that my boss brought to me the cutest Snoopy that plays music. This I will cherish! People wonder why I am so quiet and withdrawn at times. Why is it that I understand how to encourage others but on one can do this for me? Or, actually, it is done at a distance from people that I will never be able to touch or get to really know. But, I know that this is the most important thing for me! Why is it that people cannot just step up to the plate and get things done?!?! I do not know. A kind word turns away wrath!

My body is going through more changes as well. My fingernail beds are changing and they are becoming more dimpled. I was told that it would happen. I was told that I might have fungus, but I do not. My nails are very hard! I have been taking my vitamins and supplements and am pleased that they are working. Too, my throat is sore tonight. I have a very sore tongue and I feel like I need to conserve my voice. Just one more day of talking and then I can just relax and use sign language. I have been working on that more and more.

So much to do and so much more to go.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Managing on.