Retrospect

I have been thinking upon quite a bit today. I have been so tired from work and all. I have to say that I have been working very hard. This time last year, I had found my lump. This time last year, much hell began and from that point, my life and the life of my family was turned upside down. I hate it. I really do. The lives of many have been changed and from this point, I have seen quite a bit of quality in others. I have seen the quality of friendship in many and the lack in others. There really is quite a bit to say about all of this because there is so much that has happened.

I am thankful for one person in particular--G. I am thankful for such a thoughtful and compassionate man. I look at what he has helped out with and say that he is the kind of individual that we should all be. I have seen many of my friends just sit in the sidelines and not do anything. One thing that I have been wanting is for someone to just get up and get into my face and get things done; however, people in this state do not do that. They wait for you to speak up. Sometimes, it is hard to do that. With G, he is from the East Coast and does not wait for anyone to say anything. He gets into the mix. Why people just do not do what they are supposed to do is beyond me. I am really in a twix about that. I really am frustrated about the lack of support that I did receive. So, the issue has turned out that it was my fault for not bringing it to others' attention. How does that go? Not quite sure.

I am frustrated that many say "I am there for you" but that is a set of empty words. Then, be there. I am angered that a few words of "call me" or "you are in my thoughts" are so empty. Yes, this is CANCER. No, I am not a leper. Yes, this is hard. No, this is not going away any time soon. Technically, it will be done in 5 years. After the hormone therapy, I will be considered to be cancer free. In the meantime, it is a matter of watching everything and to be concerned that CANCER can be around the corner. There will always be that concern. However, I am going to focus on what I know. I know that I am healthy and I know that I will be working out and working toward getting to that 5 year goal. I want to be active and part of things and from this point, I will be harrassing many. I will be working on many projects in my life.

I do know that I need to be working on what is going on in my family. My own siblings have been distant and non-existant. Some of my friends are very close to me and I have very few that are really considered to be my sisters. I have one that is especially close to me. She is so important to me and I value her in my life. I have another, I am learning to value more and more. I am thankful for her in many aspects. Learning to understand differences in personalities in other women is very important. But, I have to say that I can really appreciate that the measure of love is really tested with CANCER. I hate to put it that way. I have had many words with many and many do not know my words. I have to be very careful because my spit-fire personality can really put it in.

So, because of this past year, there has been much that has suffered. I need to get my girl into some serious rules and things. She did not pass her freshman year at school. Because I have had to work through chemo and radiation and there has been little help, I need to get her into some serious schooling. This is so frustrating and angering. No one can understand what hell this past year has been. No one can understand what kind of hell this walk has been and all I have gotten is "you are in my thoughts". Yea, thanks. What I will be needing to do now is to set up some type of game plan for sophomore year. Oh boy!!!

I am looking forward to things becoming a little easier. It will. I know that it will. I am believing and hoping for it.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.