Continuing story

I must say that it has been far too long since I have made a posting. I am looking at the previous posts and wonder about what has changed. For the most part, things have changed some but some things have remained the same. My migraines have not gotten better. I have actually had them so bad that I have been dizzy, nauseous and very emotional. I do not care for these; but, for the most part, I am still working and trying to get through these. I can feel them when they come on and when I start to get hot flashes, they seem to be connected. I was told to keep a log of how they come and what might be triggers. I wonder if my changing hormones might be the trigger. It is really hard to say. I really do enjoy being in dark rooms now and enjoy the silence, where in times past, it really made no difference. I know that I have noticed that I need to have more air to be able to survive more. I like the air! I exist to have movement of air.

I am noticing a lot of things coming from the chemo. I have had a lot of changes to my body that I am noticing and recognizing as both post chemo as well as aging. My joints, for example, are much more impacted. When I get up from a sitting position, I can see that I have more troubles. I must do more stretches and more exercises to keep things lubricated and moving along. I am still taking my vitamins and supplements for my general overall health. It is good!

I take more potassium tablets as well. I sweat so much that I have to be careful about leg cramps and Charlie Horses. I hate waking up to them. I have been drinking so much water as well to keep the body cool and eased; I wonder if I am washing out the important sodiums for regular, every day homeostasis. Today, while at church, I was told by one of my friends that keeping water, even at church is ok. I have never thought that it was ok to have water at church because I did not want to be disrespectful of Pastor. So, it has been ok to include water with the service. Things in my life have changed so much since the cancer. I can say that my body is not the same--for certain. My expectations have changed as well. My strength has changed. I have a lot of strength, but my determination has been undaunting. I will not be dominated. This cancer will not dominate me and I will not be made to submit to such and ugly disease/infection.

One of my friends has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It is not going very well for her. There seems to be more troubles in the recovery aspect than what was initially thought and suspected. I worry about her. From the last time that I had seen her husband, it was evident that things were not going as well. He was evidently worried about her and he did not want to say much because of the emotion that was tied in. I must be ready to pray and to offer myself to help when I can. I really hate cancer.

I have been very careful about my meltdowns as well. I still have quite a bit of them at a time but not as frequently. I hate the crying and I hate being that emotional in front of other people. But, I have to be patient and know that when all this happens, I must keep myself separate from others so much. I hate the emotions behind it all. Sometimes I wish that I had no emotional outbursts. It drives me nuts.

Much more to say later.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking in.