Have I said how much I hate chemo? This has interfered with my life in so many different ways that I just cannot begin to say. Today was a repeat of just things that have been going on since the very beginning. Because I look so good after chemo, it is hard to imagine that I need help, or company, or anything else supportive. No one seems to think that I need any kind of help or support--emotional or physical. Chemo #5 has come and gone and I am facing #6 not too much longer. My body hurts and I am just looking forward to some adult time. But, like I have contended from the beginning, adult time does not belong to me. The responsibility of others is just escaping me.
This morning before service, my kiddo decides to pull something stupid on me. "I am tired" she says. Well, what am I? Again and again it is thrown up at me that I have to talk to people about things. She just does not get it. I was happy to keep all of this to myself and get through this without anyone knowing. I really regret telling anyone anything because I still get to sit by and watch everyone just "you're in my thoughts" responses. My body hurts. I am looking at housework by myself. I am looking at long days by myself.
This chemo has really screwed with me in so many ways that I cannot say. I have to be delegating my time around everything that I do. I cannot stand too long after chemo because it tears up my energy level. But the strange thing is that exercising through it has been saving me. I really hate it! I really, really do. And when everyone asks me "how are you doing", I just cannot figure out what to say. "How do you think that I am doing?" "Do you really want to know?" Another G says that I should just say "I am fine, and thank you for asking" and leave it at that. I am going to have to figure out a way to say it with a convincing face. Radiation will be starting soon and I have to figure out life through that for 33 treatments. I do not know how I am going to get through that. This just gets better and better.
Pushing on. Pressing on. What to do on?
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