For the longest time, I have been trying to get this posting done. Now, here I am. What have I been up to? Well, things are very chaotic just the same. I am working on so much and yet I feel as though I have not been able to get anything accomplished. It seems that all I have been doing is to just work and come home. There is so much to discuss here.
For the most part, I have been making my doc's appointments. I have met with Dr. B and we have discussed my referral. This is something that I have been hesitant of, but I have been wanting this. I cannot handle the injections or the other medications and so, I have asked for a salping-oopherectomy. Too, I want to ask the OB/GYN to take the whole thing. I do not want to go through this all over again and the treatments are being exhausted. Sure, I could wait four more years to see if the cancer will come back, but I do not want to have this happen. Dr. B and I did argue a little bit about what I wanted to have done and he was saying that it is possible that the lack of hormones are what are causing the feelings that I have been experiencing. Ok. So, lets explore this. I feel horrible. The side effects that I had with Lupron were all the above: it felt like another chemo treatment--eyes were sore; headache; stomach upset; constipation; itchy; rash; hives; rocky emotions; and hot flashes. Not that I don't have enough hot flashes, but these are horrible. It was not polite. So, what am I supposed to do? If we suppress the hormones, then I am at risk for bone health and dementia. So? Then, I am at risk no matter what. So, lets take the ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and cervex. This will protect my health and I will not have to worry about cancer popping up in the reproductive system.
What I really dislike is the emotional burden that I have to carry. I do not have anyone to talk to about this and I must have to put this to prayer and to have this placed before my LORD. I do not want anyone else to know about the decisions that I have to make because I do not want to be disappointed with respect to the persons that are supposed to be there. I think about this all the time. What really is our responsibility toward the other person? We really do have a lot of responsibility but we do not have the teaching today about what we are to do to reach out and actually help. Who is going to teach? Who wants to learn? I know that I do for both counts.
What to do? Where to begin? Who do I share this with? I am sharing this with you but you are so far away and not right here. Should that matter? Yes, it should and no, it should not. I really have no intention of telling PM about what is going on. I will tell JC and the Papa PJ. What matter does it make what I tell him? I have gone through all of this and no visits. Why should I be concerned? If I were married, that might be a different issue. Why should a person be worthy of home visits? I know that I must let this go. I am looking at things now with so many demands. I would love some home visits. It is getting time for N to call, but I really do not want to chat. I do not want to be told anything anymore. I do not want to be laughed at or giggled at because of not knowing what to do. I am very irritated at this whole situation. I never did realize that company and home visits were not part of the mix. I did not realize that this would be that lonely of a walk. But, I do realize that there is still so much to be done and so much to get prepared for. I am looking forward to getting the freezer stocked for the big day.
So, if I do get this surgery, then I will be very sore and will not be able to do a whole lot of lifting and carrying. This might be done laproscopically and not with a bakini cut. This reminds me of when I had my gallbladder out. I just want to get this done and over with and get things behind me once again. By taking out this little factory, I may have the reassurance that I will not have to worry about the estrogen attacking my other breast. I want all of this behind me. I remember what the statistics were for this not coming back--very low. I believe it was about 10 percent. So, this is ok.
I do not want many to know. I really do not want a whole lot of people to know. I remember the first surgery. I do not want anyone to have the opportunity to talk about all of this. I do not want anyone to pity me or to feel sorry for me. But, even more so, I do not want anyone to feel that I need to be discussed throughout. I am not the rumor mill, nor will I be the butt of the rumors as well. If no one is going to help out, then they do not need to know.
I will be doing my best to get this going.
Looking. Pushing. Pressing.
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