Approaching Chemo #5

I have had a very long week thus far. I am preparing myself for my fifth chemo treatment and the horrible side effects of this new one. Although I have not tossed my cookies, I am not thrilled at the prospect of being that tired and exhausted again with very little help. I am not looking forward to the loneliness of sitting in my home, watching tv and waiting for the time to pass. Why am I so uptight about this? No one has really been there all this time to come by. I have to ask for it instead of it just happening. I need to get a grip and accept this fact and that I should not hold on to the aspect of the disappointment. I must continue to press forward regardless of what I am going through.

I have been working to get through the term as well. I have contacted my school to let them know that I need to withdraw from the term. I got behind the weekend that S spent the weekend, I have been behind. I have been wrestling with this for such a long time. This person is the only person who has absolutely no clue about what is going on. There is no understanding about how tired I am or just how spent that I can be from just sitting up and talking to anyone. Yet, there is always some kind of demand and emotional need for communication and for something to do. At times, I really have regretted telling anyone about this. I hate the attention and the questions. I especially do not care for everyone to know every personal detail about me. When I am with S in just getting out and about, there is a need and demand to talk about so much personal stuff. I really do not care for it.

I do realize that these days are hard and that "people just want to help". I do not see that. I do understand the human aspect of interaction and engagement. But, while I am going through this, I do not like to try to navigate through the emotional mess. This upcoming treatment has me reflecting much like the other treatments. I have to say that I am excited about getting past the last treatment. Looking back at the first one, it has seemed that this has been an eternity. I have had so many emotional days and meltdowns that I just hate what this chemo has done to me. I hate this chemo more than anyone can ever know and I am glad that it will be done. I have never questioned so much in my entire life other than when I have had to address my own mortality. I have passed out, had all the icky side effects, other than tossing my cookies, the exhaustion and the feelings of just being separated from others. I do not care how I have been treated. My body is forever scarred and my emotional heart has been sent through hell and torment. I am looking forward to being so much more than I used to be.

I can say that in many ways I am a better woman. I have grown to know more about me and to learn to trust some key persons. I am all that more determined to not be like some others and that when it is time for me to really get into full swing about my career, I will be the person that I wanted others to be for me. I know that I can only initiate some change and that change has to begin with me.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Initiating on.