This past couple of days has been very interesting for me. I have been thinking over the past several days and the doc's appointments that I have been having. I want to ask for my ovaries being removed. What I am not sure what to expect is the recovery. I have read up on the long-term effects and I am not sure that I want to even be thinking of it. But, I do know that the treatment of all of the breast cancer has been exhausted. I need to be thinking of getting rid of the estrogen factory and do that quickly. I am looking forward to having to worry less about all of this.
I have been noticing too, that my emotions have not been as creepy and crazy. I am working hard at keeping my emotions under wraps. I was told by JC that my emotions are not a weakness. Yea, sure! I cannot think but that my emotions have been just that--a weakness. For the past year since Chemo started, my emotions have been coming to the top and I have been crying so much. Yes, Chemo has a way of making things come out. But, things really did come out. They bubbled to the surface and now they are out and I have to address them. But, now, things have changed once again. I do not want anyone to know the follow-up procedures. I do not want anyone to know anymore about my treatment or anything else along that line. I can ask for prayer and I can ask for a littlebit of conversation. But, there is a new task at hand. I do not want any more of this to be messed with. This has really been a burden on me for some time and it has been hard on my family. I have gotten quite a bit of criticism from my child. Sure, she is a teen and it is hard on her. But, I am still in need of communication and reaching out from others, but not at the extent of it creating more troubles from her. This is the hardest thing next in this journey. I do not want anything else to mess with the family. I have to deal with the kiddo getting her phone back from me taking it away. I am not pleased with the attitude that I have gotten from her and with the recommendation from PM she is getting it back. However, I will be giving my own sanctioning system and this will be something that I must be very adamant about.
I look back at the year and it has been extremely hard. I look back at this time last year and I was waiting to get the appointment with Dr. B. The insurance paperwork was all messed up and from that point, I was being tossed back and forth from the clinic to oncology and back again. I had to become my own referral and from there things began to get a little more organized. I was waiting for my surgical consulation and then surgery. I did not realize what was to come and what was to follow. Now, I am looking at a possible surgery that I want. I want to be able to put this behind me and to be ready for the next stage in things.
I can see so many other different things as well. I can see just how much PM was not ready for me. I can see just how much I really have stirred many things up. One of my biggest challenges to come will to be walking around without anyone knowing what is going on. I need to be able to carry on without giving away any more of my thoughts. "Do not cast your pearls among swines". Not that everyone there at HLCC are swines, but I do not want to set myself up for a disaster waiting and expecting anyone to understand what I am going through. I just cannot go through that all over again. This past week, N has been on my mind. I have gotten some good word about this situation. She had told me something Sunday that has put a different twist on things. I know more that PM must put his trust in these people despite the lack of knowledge or understanding that they have and to be able to work on such a deficit. It really angers me so much but that is not for me to say. I must accept this. I realize more and more that it is THIS that I cannot accept. I was told something that has hurt my heart deeply but I should know better. What I was told was that "I cannot add myself to your emotion." Ok. She had told me that she knew that HLCC was the bone of my contention. But, she did not know exactly what was at the core and this I cannot tell her anymore. So, at prayer on Tuesday, N prayed. It was like nails on a blackboard. I could not take it. It made me feel in pain and it was so unbearable. I cannot explain it anymore. I was working with a headache and to hear the pitch of her prayer was unmistakable pain. I have heard her pray like this before and it has caused me the same amount of pain that I could not bear. I do not understand why.
In the conversation with JC, we discussed expectation. Intersting, this time last year it was PM that I "spoke" with. This year it is JC. My head is reeling from a lot of this. My heart is just full of so much that I am telling myself that I must put my heart in the LORD and I must keep my conversations and my conduct different. What I can keep from others is very important. I must keep things from those people who do not understand. I must find someone that I can keep my discussions with confident. I must know who I can lean upon. My other G is in the hospital and it is uncertain, really, how he is doing. He was in for his procedure a couple of weeks ago and he is in renal failure. There has been noted some change and for the sake of the LORD I hope so. Do I dare hope that he will be mending and made whole? That sounds selfish. He has been a huge support for me. He has heard so much from me. He has counseled me. He has been my friend. I do not call many friend.
What to do. I am working hard to not have any more share with some. I want to get beyond all of this. I want to move beyond again.
Moving. Looking. Expecting.
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