Well, this morning was interesting. Seems that some things never get old. So, the kiddo says to me more "bla bla bla". The teen-age shows that I hate just get to me. The logic of a teen just escapes me at times. I would love to be able to get past some of these things without saying anything but it just does not happen. I am working on chemo #6 next week and that should be my last one. I am not looking forward to more chemo but I am glad that it is coming to a close end. I am tired. I am tired of the whole bit that makes me feel so strange and so much of an outsider. I can say that some people really do understand what I am going through. This is hard. This is another beat that must go on because the choices are small. Go on or go out. I cannot go out. I must go on. I have so much to do in a day and that is just part of it all. I must find a way to continue. Radiation therapy will continue quickly after chemo and I am going to be choosy about who I tell about the chemo. I do not want many if anyone to know that I am going through this. It will be good to be treated like a part of the "crew" again and the judgment will be less. I hope. Hopefully, the feelings of people needing to not talk to me will change. If not, then I can continue on and bear with the rest of the journey. I will have this all said and done by July. That really is not all that far away. I am looking forward to seeing this done and out of the way so that I can have a normal life once again. Whatever that was. This ordeal has been just that. I have been blessed in so many ways and I have been bruised in so many ways.
I do have to say that I am glad for some things being stirred up. I am looking forward to having the manner of like moving on without some of this headache. I see things in a different manner and my time is used for so many other things. I am happy that it is. I can see that there are things that are trivial. But, this is not trivial. I am still looking forward to just some relaxation and so fun to be had. I am looking forward to getting back to my regular life of stuff and keeping some things secret and hidden again. I am looking forward to people not knowing what is going on in my life and for it to be just a matter of when I had some difficult days.
One person really comes to mind from church though. I have had so many difficult days of crying and breaking down that I just have hated for things to be the way they are. I know that I do not want to be isolated for the random hugs. That is something that I do not care for. I know that I am working diligently on many things. But, I do not care for anyone to just randomly come up to me and give me a hug. I really do not care for random people, who have never been invested in all of this, to come up to me and just ask about things when they have no clue as to what is going on. If they have not been there at the beginning, it makes little to no difference where they are at this point. There have been people that have been there at the beginning and are not there now. I really hate it when I am told "I am sorry that I have not been there for you". And it continues.
I am facing the last chemo. The last of the sore body, sores in my mouth, soreness to swallowing, the indigestion and the burning. I am looking forward to hair!!!!! I am looking forward to my body recovering from the chemo so I can travel and be around larger groups of people. I am looking forward to the fact that no one will know what is going on. I hate my life being on display.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Moving on.
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