One of the most angering things that I have been experiencing for the longest time is the loneliness. I really do not care for the excuses that some people use regarding why they cannot help. Today, something my Lady had said to me about her son and why he cannot help out with the care of his father that really hit me--he says that he wants to help but when asked, refuses. She has more family than I do and I get no help whatsoever in my daily activities. But, I, a chemo patient, can help a dementia patient. They treat me like family; I know that I am not. But, I am accepted for the bald-headed freakazoid that I am. I hate that I do not get any help at all. When I get home, I have to drag myself home to get things done. If I mention anything to the kiddo, there is a warming for a meltdown. I have to keep things to myself and not mention anything at all. This angers me so much. I am supposed to be working on my own health, but I do not have anyone that will listen to what I have to say about not getting help. Somehow, it turns out that it is my fault for turning people away. "But mom, so many people want to help." Sure, pardon my resentment and my doubt that anyone wants to help. If that was the case, where are they? One gal says that she is available to help, but I have to go and get her. When I am tired, why would I want to drive to get anyone. Why is it that I am the one that has to pick that person up.
I do not get it. I am very tired, angry and jealous that others can get help, but I cannot. I work hard for myself and to keep my things going. And I am criticized for thinking that my home is too clean. Hardly! I have five cats still, and I am the only one taking care of things. What am I to do? Where do I go to get the help? I am criticized for what I think and I have to give an explanation as to why I am feeling the way that I am. I hate that. Why is it that I just cannot have a meltdown, and it be ok? Why do I have to protect others' feelings? I do not know.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Feeling on.
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