The day after

Well, today has been much better. I woke up with a little more energy, but very uncertain about the after effects of what happened. I got up, got dishes done and then had to lie back down and take a nap. I was so tired. But, I had so much to do and get done. I have not been able to get any of my homework done and that has me a little stressed--but ok.

I saw one of my friends today at the Library--C! I was so happy to see him. We talked for a while about what has been going on. I showed him my head and he commended me on how well my round, bald head looked. Not many have seen my bare head, but I am happy to have shown him. We have been friends for so long and he is just a great guy. He told me that I almost ran him over one night! Oh crap! One of my friends? I always wave when I see him and he is just an easy going guy. He gave me some great news as well. We hugged twice! What an awesome time to get a double hug, especially when hugging means so much to me! Oh, how I have missed him.

My stomach is a little messed up, but for the most part, ok. I am looking forward to more sleep!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Hugging on!

Chemo changes

Today was one of the most difficult days that I have experienced ever! I had started the day out with G having a difficult day. He accidentally broke out his driver side window. Driving to the doc was cold but kinda fun. It reminded me of New York. I loved it! Yea, I truly did. When I was able to get to meet with Dr. B, I thought that I had received good news. We may possibly be working on just 4 chemo treatments instead of 6. He did say that he would look into that and figure it out.

Well, treatment started not too long after that. I was able to watch my movie that I had brought--A Walk in the Clouds. I have always loved that movie and was very happy to be able to watch it. After that was completed, I listened to my music for a while. I have to say that I am very happy that I have an MP3 player. I have more music to put on it and look forward to being able to have a more advanced one. But, for the most part, this is excellent and I will use it until it falls apart.

But then, when the next bag was hung, things began to change incredibly. I started to get a serious reaction and from that point, I was beginning to get hot and could not breathe. I had to say to the nurse that I was not feeling good at all. At that point, I had started to just feel myself slipping. I could remember hearing the nurses and the doc and was not able to interact with them. If passing out feels like this, then I sure did. My head and body felt as though the temperatures were rising high and getting higher. Then my chest felt as though it was being crushed--from the outside in. After the treatment stopped, and Benedryl was administered, it took me about a couple of hours to get coherent again. I slept from the Benedryl and needed to have about 3 warmed blankets on me to keep the chattery chills from staying. After relaxing for some more, I had asked about what the next course was going to be. I was told that the doc was willing to challenge me with the treatment at a slower drip. I had said no. I did not want to experience this same thing. I told the nurse to withdraw this from me and that I would come back for the next plan. So, my next appointment is scheduled for next week. I will be discussing with him my next step.

I was so scared from all of this. I still am. I was there by myself. When I had told G about what had happened, he was very scared. He had called me again tonight to see how I was doing. What do I say? He needs to be strong for me and I need others to be strong for me. When I had called my Pastor, I got a Wow! from him. I did not have the energy or the time to explain and just got off the phone quickly. I have had far too many melt-downs and nuclear explosions to go into another one. I simply told him that I would see him on Sunday.

I am looking forward to Sunday.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Leaning on.

Chemo #3

Today, I will be heading for the clinic for Chemo #3. This week has been especially difficult on me. As I head for more treatments, I have been experiencing more emotional peaks and valleys. I am becoming more familiar with the course of treatment, and I have more preparation for what is to come. This past weekend too, was full of anticipation of meeting up with someone that has been speaking horrible gossip about me around the church. When I had heard this viciousness, I was ready to physically create harm and to establish what kind of gossip was going to be acceptable. NONE!

Now, today is the day and Sunday is on the way. I will be bringing a DVD with me to treatment and will be doing my best to relax and to just put my feet up and prepare for completing homework and getting other paperwork ready for the clinic. I am tried and very tried in all of this. I have had my energy zapped more this past treatment. However, that was completely unexpected. I had had a house guest that did not want to leave. This was more angering and frustrating. I wanted to actually MOAB this person! Can you imagine that!?!

As I work to get things done, I pray that they can all be completed for the weekend. I will be taking Friday off from work and then back to work on Saturday and am planning to get everything done for my next set of homework. I am tired and very frustrated that I cannot get things completed on-time for what I want.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Working on.

Approaching Chemo #3

Well, I am looking at the next chemo treatment. I do realize that I am looking at the middle of the chemo now and it is coming right to the middle. I am not looking forward to this either way. I really hate chemo despite it all. I hate what I go through before--the anxiety and apprehension of the treatment--and then the side effects of it all. I do not like it. I was in tears all day Sunday and knowing that this is approaching gives me quite a bit of frustration. Too, I was talking to one of the guys at the church and did not realize just how much anger that I have about this approaching treatment. I really do not like to talk about it to people who have never been part of the treatment or the beginning of the whole thing. I chewed off the head of someone else and that was not OK. I will have to ask for his forgiveness. Yea, big guy too. I hate discussing this with anyone and hate discussing this when I think that it is going to be cast all around. I am not a fan of this. I really do not like to have a lot of questions asked of me. I do know, too, that my feelings of being walled up are still alive. For some of my peeps, I can get past this. But, I do not want a whole lot of questions asked or poked for information or prodded. I am working very hard at trying to get stay focused on this whole thing and it is very difficult and bothersome. I am looking forward to it getting a little easier. I would love for someone to come along and just be sitting with me. I do realize that it is too much to ask for. I have to do a good job at keeping it low key and covered up. There is only one person who has asked if they could come along but it turned out that this person took it upon themselves to tell another friend of mine about my ordeal--without my consent or my approval. I do not like having my decisions taken from me.

While I am getting prepared for this upcoming treatment, I am finding myself a little more compromised. I certainly hope that I can get to the end of this without loosing my mind. I do want to cry and cry and cry, but I do not want to loose control. Some think that it is fine to cry. I do not. I just simply cannot accept that crying so much is acceptable. When I cry like that, I feel very vulnerable and just laid barren without anyone to comfort or console me. If I cry that much, I would like someone to just hold me and allow me to cry, but I do realize that it will not be possible. So, I am doing my best to keep my emotions tightened up again. Sunday I was such a mess. I cried at the alter and then cried at the mere mention of how bad this year has been. I had to put my sunglasses on to keep others from noticing. Then! of course, someone had to approach me and ask if things were ok. HELL NO! Things are not ok. HELL NO! I am tired of going through this. Do people really want to hear about my "journey"? I do not perceive so. But what is the actual truth? People at the church ask and I think it is more because of being nosy. Sure, let's ask the bald gimp about things going on. Sure, let's ask the strange one about what is going on because we do not have anything else to chat about. SURE! Honestly, I would be amazed if I would see some at my doorstep. I have told my girl that if anyone did come to the door, I would not answer it. I simply cannot understand why some people act the way that they do. I simply cannot understand the way that some are so selfish and self-centered. Honestly, I don't think that there would be certain people that would even want to venture that way. Then again, I live on the third floor. Not many can make the stairs. You know your friends when they do come to the top floor.

I have heard many excuses and have been told many things. I am not excited when I hear what some people talk about. I am very pleased that I am keeping things quiet and keeping things to myself. But, I do have to keep my thoughts and feelings more tightly reigned. I need to cry away from others and not in front of people. I need to excuse myself when I feel that I am being compromised. I cannot simply accept that biting at people is ok. It is better if I just excuse myself and just look busy.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Busying on.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! Well, I am looking at the end of the year coming to an end and I am so excited about this. I worked graveyard on the eve and I am thoroughly exhausted. What I am so frustrated about these days is that the help that I wish I had at home is not there. I work multiple jobs, go to school and am undergoing treatment. I come home and I have to cook and clean and to keep it together for the little one's sake. The messes are constant and I can never seem to be able to stay on top of it. I need to keep the house clean to keep infection or infectious things away--vectors of disease. I came home from work, woke the kiddo up and we opened gifts. Then I went to bed for a couple of hours only to be woken up again in a couple of hours to the loud music from the kiddo. Then I went down again to sleep and the downstairs neighbor's guest was yelling "Merry Christmas" at the top of his lungs. How fair is this? I am thoroughly exhausted. Then, after getting up with just 3 or so hours of sleep, I have to clean the apartment again! I had cleaned yesterday before laying down and going to work. I am up again cleaning. The only thing that the kiddo could say at dinner was "are you going to make rolls?" How tired do I need to be? Could I get some help from someone trustworthy and not worrying about what will be discussed? What is ever so angering is that I do not appear as though I am really all that exhausted or compromised. I am very grateful that the LORD has taken good care of me. So, when I heard the mocking of things this week, I was fuming. My kiddo cannot handle me having any meltdowns and I have to be careful how I talk with her. Almost a denial of sorts.

Who can really handle all of this? I know that discussing things with my Pastor has helped. We have a new year ahead of us and I will be leaning more upon him. I will be needing some help as well. I will have to see about hiring someone to help out with the housework. I am praying for this.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Looking forward.

Looking at a new day

I am looking at a new day. This is just being a stange one. I tried to get a posting published but the system gliched and I lost the whole thing. Oh well.

I spoke with my "sista" today and we had a great conversation. I have been looking at my emotions again and it is nice to see that my thoughts are quite valid. She did validate for me that the emotions that I have been experiencing are quite ok and that she would feel the same thing if things were reversed and on her. I have had a very interesting week of being told some very interesting things. Certainly, not many are going to understand what I am going through. Unless a person actually has had this happen to them, they are not going to understand not wanting to be touched, hugged, encroached upon or wanting to have any type of conversation. Earlier this week, I had spoken to someone at my mother church regarding these matters. This person told me about someone who had gone through breast cancer as well and just stayed home away from the judgment and the thoughts of others. I can understand and relate. However, I would just die from no interaction. I might need to get the CD of the service and listen to it. I do not know if I could. But, there are days that I would love to just hide and not be seen. But I love going to church. I know that this has been a particular battle for me.

I have noticed something very common about breast cancer survivors---their attitude. I have been told that the attitude makes all the difference in the world. I have been told this from four women already. Two have been nurses, one an employee at my oncologist office and my sista. I do appreciate that very much. I do have the moxy for this. I do have the nards for it! I plan on being around for a very, very, very long time. But, most importanly, I am determined to get the information out to people that they are not alone and no one should make you feel less than what you are.

We must stand up and say that we are beautiful. We must stand up and say that we are wanted, desired and needed. We must stand up and declare that this will not stop our determination.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Being determined.

Beginning of the new week

Today is the beginning of the new week. This past week, I have been so exhausted from everything. I have not been able to get the quality of sleep that I have been hoping to get. I have found that I am a bit more dizzy and I am waking up with a chemo headache. I have four more treatments! I hate this! I really hate this!

This weekend I had been told by YET! another person--"I did not know!" Yea, like I had any intention of letting everyone know. This really makes me feel small and getting smaller. I really do not want a whole lot of people know because of the problems that happens when too many people know--they talk and it just turns and changes. Do I need to put it in the church bulletin? How about I just put it in the newspaper! So, now the mookie-mookie is going to commence. "AH! poor dear!" So much for privacy! Shot down the flippin' commode. I am supposed to feel good about it? I do not get it. So, with four more treatments, it is going to be interesting. Then the radiation will begin. That is going to be interesting. I need to know who I can touch. I know the children will be off limits. And some elderly will be off limits. I am very curious to see how this is going to be all over the church. I just wonder. At times, I really regret telling anyone. I really hate that some things cannot just be quiet. I would do anything to prevent people from looking at me differently or coming up to me and try to make nice. I really hate "making nice". Why should I feel this way? I really feel very uncomfortable about everyone fussing over this, but even more so that I do not care for everyone to know. That really gets me.

On another note: my mouth feels so much better and my nose does as well. I am getting ready to mend to get ready again for the next treatment on the 30th. Oh, this is just yippee skippee!

Another thing that really gets me is what others' perspective of what kind of woman I am supposed to be. I am a straight woman who wears steel-toed boots for work and like my dungarees. Now, because of the doo-rag, I get the looks. I am very tired of the looks and the comments and the well-wishing persons. I was actually told things about the kind of woman I am supposed to be. At church Sunday, I really got the comments about how well I looked. What the? Yea, I am already feeling ugly from no hair, covering my hands from chemo-dry skin, bundling up to stay warm, keeping the lotion on, dry, ulcerated mouth and lips and I feel like the ugliest thing ever. Then? I just do not get it. We women like to be told that we look beautiful and accepted and well desired. This past few weeks have made me feel anything less than that. But, I do not want to share that with anyone because I am tired of everything. So, anyone who reads the blogs may understand. I am getting more and more adverse to "sharing" about things that will not make a whole lot of difference. Thank goodness for the blog. I am getting to the point of a conditional share.

Four more treatments to go and then radiation. I need your strength LORD!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Ready on.

A day

Well, this is Friday. I am having a lousy week of emotions and chemo "stuff". I have started the week out with crying and rolling temperament. I was told this week that my sister-in-law is going through the diagnostics for a mass in her breast. When she told me this I had just gotten so frightened for her. Knowing that this nightmarish ordeal might be her experience really has created some emotion in me. So far, her diagnostics has indicated that there is nothing seriously wrong. She is waiting for the test results to come in next week. I am so eager and anxious to hear about it.

Too, this week has brought even more headache and heartache. I know that I have been told some very interesting things with respect to this cancer, but what I have been told last weekend has hit my emotions very hard. Certainly, understanding the person who told me this aids in the fact that ignorant comments are just common-day. Nonetheless, it is still something that I plan never to hear.

Yesterday, my energy level hit an all-time high. I was so wound up from so much energy that I did not know how to deal with it. All I could say was "chemo day". When I have days like this, it makes me feel like a whirling dervish without cause or direction. Since the school term has started, I have been overwhelmed with so much work around the place and this crazy energy. I am going to bed later and getting up at the same time. I have been experiencing more headache and not getting the amount of rest needed. I must focus and bide my time more carefully.

My goals for the week are to get more into the dojo. I am planning more sparring and to get my tension reduced. I will be saying "no" more this week and will be working on things at home more. This week, too, I am planning to get back into running. I have been able to get more physical activity going and I am going to be getting ready for more. I want to get past this horrible week and plan on tackling it the way that I have always done.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.

Second Chemo

Well, this has been turning out much better than what I had expected. I am hungry, still a little nauseous but quite ok. I was able to eat this afternoon and I feel fantastic. I am very tired but that will pass. I have quite a bit of homework to get done tonight and am looking forward to getting it all done.

So far: my skin looks really good. My hands look great and my skin is ok. I have the chemo mouth and that is ok. I have to remember not to eat anything hot and to drink lots of water and fluids. I have been in the bathroom several times with just flush and it is driving me nuts. My nose is ok. I have some dry skin in the nostrils, but I hope that I will not be bleeding anytime soon.

When I slept last night, it was rocky and I tossed some. I was so tired and hot that I was uncomfortable. I am looking forward to having some more normalcy again and am looking forward to moving forward and not just side-sloshing things.

Now, I have heard this from two people--cancer is a lonely diagnosis. You got that right. While I am excited that things are moving along better, I am looking forward to no one knowing what has happened to me and keeping my privacy. I have had the weekend of "mookie-mookie" and it is quite irritating. I cannot help but to think that if no one knew what was going on, I would not have had to worry about everyone being so "out of the way" nice to me. I cannot stand this. I have been told that I need to "soften" too. Sure! Why? I am comfortable in my own skin with who I am; I do not like the cancer, but that is mostly cured. I am looking forward to not having anyone remember this situation so I can be just the person that is there at church and the person that is me. Yea, I love every moment of being unique. But, why is it that I have to be someone else's idea of a "woman". Ha! the more that some people push, the more I will rebel. I like to change people's paradigm. Who cares what I wear or do? Yea, that hit a nerve. I have a lot of them open anymore. Why is it that someone else's paradigm has to be the rule? It is not mine.

But! I did get the encouragement that I was hoping and praying for. I got it!!! To hear it made my weekend. I am very tired and I need to keep my tongue short and heavy to not say things that might offend. I will be on the lookout for that.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking on.

What a day

What a day! A Chemo day for certain. I have a chemo flush and my mouth, skin and my body is starting to show the first 72 hours of treatment again. But! I got my homework completed and I will have a lot of work to get done on my papers as well. I am so tired.

I have been in the bathroom all day. Feels like a UTI working but this better not be. I am working hard to flush but it just makes things more frustrating. I want to sleep and I have not taken any of the steroids. I have been been up for nearly 48 hours with only a handful of hours to sleep. The steroids are just bugging me something terrible.

I will be getting a hold on all of this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Sleeping on?

The next day

Had another night of chemo and steroids. I did not sleep very well last night and I know that I will be having a long and difficult day of being tired and not being able to rest. Then, I woke up to the chemo nose!!! The smells in the apartment are going to drive me batty!! I realize today will be a day where chores and everything have to be done. This is just the biggest pain in the rump. If I bend over too much, I will be needing to stay on the floor and compose myself. That might be interesting--I will be able to start my exercise program again. Hmmmm

I was told that when my legs start to hurt, I can take the same steroids every 12 hours. NO THANKS!!! I can just take some pain reliever and bear with the discomfort. This is just a little much to be that wound up for it all.

I am wearing the bandannas today and will be wearing them to stay warm. There are some people who have been telling me to wear a wig! Oh NO NO NO!!! No wig here. I will bear it all!

Pressing on. Pressing on. Bearing it all!

Point of no return

This morning G came and brought his clippers and took care of my hair. It was something that I did need to have done because I was watching my hair come out and I had not control of it. I was able to pull it out myself and watching it like a torture trick was harder than I wanted to say. By shaving it, I have the control of it now. Sure there will be some things that will not be the same, but I have a bunch of stress off my shoulders. I had also showed everyone at the clinic my new look and I got a lot of encouragement from that. Now, my close circle of friends. I went over to T's house and she was very amazed. She was supportive. We shall see how things will be otherwise for work and for church. My boss is away from work on vacation and I wonder how things are going to be when she sees me with no hair.

I had shown Dr. B and he was happy with this as well. It is good that there are many receptive persons in this. I feel like I am walking on egg shells for some people. I know that there are many that cannot handle this and I have to choose my battles. I have to toughen up a little to be sure that some people's reactions are not going to bother me. I cannot help it. I feel like I am chartering in some rocky waters again and I need to be very prepared for the journey.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Chartering on.

Decisions

I have made a huge decision. I am going to have my hair buzzed. I asked G if he would do this for me and he said that it would be his honor. Another point of no return. While I have been getting tired of seeing my hair all over the apartment, I hate even more watching the hair fall out little at a time. I cannot wait for it to fall out completely and look like a straggly doll. I am going to have it buzzed completely. Now, what are people going to say. I really hate the looks and it is hard for me to put the walls up and just be hard about what is going on. Perhaps I should define something--it is the looks from people who know me more that irritates me. When I go to the store or the library, I do not get the same reception. J was very kool--"hey trooper". Wow, comforting. My "mister"--"hey beautiful". G--"it is good to see you". It is the open ended questions that are really pissing me off! I do not understand why people that I know will not just be in command of the moment and say something. Do not ask!!!! Just say something! "Hey stupid, your pants are dirty" Something! Not "glad that you could make it" so much that it would be good to use some wit or charm, or humor or something. I need that. "Tell me what you need" is not going to work. Do you really want to know what I need? Why not just say, "come here!" That is what the LORD says to me

Chemo is tomorrow. I feel ugly and used up. I will be facing dry cracked skin, bleeding nose, lethargy and nausea again. I will not have hair for a while. I have to remember--"hey beautiful". If no one is going to say it to me, I have to remind myself to say it to me.

While I was at the pharmacy tonight, I had the pleasure of talking to someone out of the blue. An elderly woman had shared with me that she and her daughter were both breast cancer survivors. I could have just cried. She shared with me the same things that I have experienced. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I am not looking forward to radiation. But I am looking forward to the end of all of this.

Now that I have taken the silly stomach pill for the chemo for tomorrow, I am really hungry. I hate steroids.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Going hairless.

Revelations

After quite a fantastic day, I am very pleased with some outcomes. For the first time ever!!! I have felt that I am glad that I am going through this. Today, one of my friend's daughters and I had a very good heart-to-heart. This young lady has been in a state of crisis for some time trying to decide what she wants to do with her barely teen-age life. She did not know about my cancer and I took opportunity to share with her some very bold and brazen things. I have experienced being treated as a leper and an outcast. I have been abandoned by some friends and left to just fare on my own. I have had to rely upon my own resources and have had very difficult and rocky days. Welcome to cancer! Other people's denial has been quite the interesting fact in my life and being faced with telling some people about their job and standing up and doing the right thing is important. I let this young lady know that it is all worth it for her to stop being so "damn stupid". Taking good care of yourself and very important and that to prevent these things is to stop with the stupid lifestyle. We are all beautiful and what we do can take that beauty away. We should not have our beauty taken away.

I am facing loosing my hair and that is an excellent mark for anyone to see if it means that some will learn from it. I have experienced the deepest of angst and anguish in all of this; but, it is all worth it if it means that others will stop being "stupid". I told her that as I begin radiation, I will not be able to touch many people. I may not be able to touch her. I would not be able to touch pregnant women and this just adds to me being treated and being made to feel like a leper.

It is worth it if it means that there are those who will learn and listen.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Teaching on.

Changes

Well, I do not know what it is about my cat that really loves to cuddle under the blankets with me, but she seems to really be snuggling around my head and the surgical area. I know that my service animals in my "folks'" homes can really be sensitive towards needs; this is very interesting. She is really drawn toward my body and I find it very comforting. I wake up to purring, and I go to bed to the sound of purring. It is a little frustrating that she decides to bathe herself just when I am trying to sleep. I still ache a little bit at the surgical area and I am trying very carefully not to overdo it. I wonder what that really means. What does "overdo" actually mean?

So, after work, I went over to the hair salon and got my hair cut. What a funny thing. I am noticing that I am thinning out more. Ok! Gotta wrap my head around that. I have purchased a new hat and some fingerless gloves. I told her that I was needing to go a little shorter this time so I can be ready for her next hair cut. Although, I might not have a whole lot of hair to trim then. Hmmm--very interesting.

I still have my migraine but that is ok. I took some migraine meds (OTC) and hopefully that will work. I made a strong cup of coffee as well and am looking forward to some relief. I really am looking forward to relief. Relief!

My skin seems to be improving as well. I must remember to keep hydrated. My stylist and her associate have said that my skin looks great. So far, everything that I have been doing has been right. Hydration, lotion and keeping my gloves on. I love my fingerless gloves. I am hoping that when summer comes, I can find some equivalents. I hope by then, things will be much better. Remember to hydrate! and supplements!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Hydrating on!

Reaching

So, today was an interesting day. I am very tired today from my migraine and still on top of my responsibilities. I have a load of paperwork to complete and I am procrastinating. I know that I have to get this done. I wonder how much larger my shoulders need to be to get all of this done. The housework is never ending, of course. The pile of responsibilities never go away. But today, I had a small gift. Just like my "mister" client, my "lady" client was singing along to Christmas music in my rig; the music was turned up and we both sang along. Sometimes when the heart is heavy and laden with so much, the smallest things can pick me up. "Hello beautiful" was one of those that could only have been from the LORD. Today, singing to the most wonderful music this time of year was melody. I am glad that a comfort zone has been established.

Today, I was asked to remove my hat. I do not know how this is going to continue if I loose my hair and have to wear a cap. If I loose my hair, I hope that it is after the new year. I do not want this particular individual to go into crisis over the fact that I am sick. This is hard. At least this bruise has gone away and the next one is to be established. I have been wearing long sleeve shirts to cover my arms in case there is another event of bruising. It was nothing for the other family to see it and they understand and accept me regardless. This is hard. I never realized the amount of worry, rejection and fear others have. I still have a friend that has not spoken to me since all of this has started. However!!! I did see my other friend. She wanted to know how things were and I did express to her some detail. But, how can I share weeks of this to her in a matter of five minutes? I cannot and choose not. I hate being told "you're in my thoughts". Please! What does that mean?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Wondering on. Wandering on?

And so ... it continues

So, today is another day. I woke up to a stuffy, sore, crusty nose. I have to be very careful about how I touch it and blow it. But, I am working hard at turning the heat off, opening the windows and getting some moisture back into the apartment. Too, I am tired of just so much and I want to get the feeling of being on top and in control again. I feel that I am held hostage by this body and that if I do anything, I risk getting sick or injured. I hate this feeling. I do not feel like a vibrant woman; rather, I feel like a shell of a person just waiting for something else to happen. I do not want anything else to happen. My shoulders, hands and wrists are sore and that just lets me know that I need to rest some.

I am back to cleaning everything again and back to the same full schedule. I am tired, but I have little recourse as to my obligations. I look around and see all the work that needs to be gotten done and the time that I do not have to obligate myself to them. But, I know that it is one pile at a time. It is not as bad as it looks, but the mess is creating undue anxiety. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Yes, I know that it has.

I cannot wait for summer. I cannot wait to be able to have long, fun filled days of getting out and about without issue or cause. Yes, I know that I cannot play any sports or participate in anything that might create bodily injury to me. Ha! Just doing housework is enough for that. Caution to the wind, full brass to the walls! (yea, have to keep it clean).

What next?

Pressing on. Pushing on. Guessing on.

Starting the new week

Well, this is just starting to get to me. My nose is really irritated, raw and bleeding. Not to mention, it is sore to the touch. So, I have been crying and this hurts more to cry and blow my nose than it is to just breathe. I boiled a gallon of water to help return moisture back to the air; I included some salt for retention and make it more saline. I will have to keep a pot of water on the stove for this duration.

My hands are raw and sore and I wore my braces to bed again last night. I think that I am done! Not that I have a choice. I get to look forward to two more months of this daily torture and mayhem. Can it start raining again anytime soon? That moisture we take for granted! Oh, please let it rain!

So, Saturday is going to be my Aunt's memorial. And too, my client's mother's anniversary of her death is the same day. OH YEA! So, who is going to hold my hand in all of this? I am so excited about being a bloomin' mess! Let's sell tickets! And all that crying and my nose? OH, LORD have mercy!

Paperwork this week and I hope to get it all done on time. I have a lot of it and I need to get it started for insurance and for everything else. One of the ladies at church had offered to help out with things at my home. Where to start? I got it! Let's put on some Thousand Foot Krutch/PETRA, crank the music so no one can hear me scream and then from there, put on a happy face! Nah, anyone who knows me will not believe that--or! maybe they might. Ready, set go!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Peeving on!

Thises and thats

So, this is how it is. I have started a second aspect of the blog to address the rape and the sexual assault. The "things" that I have mentioned time and again are being addressed accordingly. This is not going to be easy for me and I know that I will not want to discuss many of these issues; however, it is necessary.

Today I have been experiencing a lot of pain as well. My shoulders hurt, my left breast area has hurt; my hands are raw; my nose is sore, raw and bloody; and my lips are dry. The heat that I keep on for warmth has been wreaking mayhem on my body. I need to keep warm because I am cold all the time from chemo now. But this heat is messing me up. I usually do not need the heat at all; but this year with chemo has been nothing shy of uncomfortable. I am not happy and am trying to keep my life in a good balance. I am working hard on that. There are days that I am not all that successful. I am praying.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Balancing on.

Things hidden

Today was a very interesting day. So much has happened today that I do not want to leave out any details. I worked all day and it was awesome. I am very tired and my stomach feels like I have been punched hard. But, I was very sure to get a deli sandwich and eat it! And it was awesome! Including the onions!! I love the veggie paninis with the Havarti cheese. It is a nice touch. So, I finished off a bottle of cranberry juice as well. It was slow, but I got it done. My mouth is sore and eaten up by the chemo and I have to be careful about temperature when eating. Everything cool is great. I have to wait for my coffee to cool to be able to enjoy it. Boy! It is nice though.

So, made a huge mistake today. While at client number two's house, I took off my jacket and my client asked what happened to my arm. I hate that I did not think ahead and just roll my sleeves some. I do not want people to see my bruises from my chemo treatments. I have always believed that my body should remain unmarked and clean. Medical treatments are different. Being told that I will have a tattoo on my body from radiation is enough for me. But, quickly, I did express that a client injured me--LORD, forgive me for lying. She noticed my hands as well. They are so tore up from washing and the side effects of chemo. They look like hamburger--raw, irritated and red. I wear my fingerless gloves to hide my redness and have to take them off when I am at work providing service. Arg! Things will improve, I know. If the disease does not kill me, the cure will!

I had to buy balm for my lips and my nose as well. I am red, raw and bleeding in my nasal passages. A combination of this weather and the side effects of chemo are driving me batty! But, having to remember, that this is only for a short time.

So, then two of the other gals and I had a great time of fellowship. We prayed, we had conversation and we encouraged one another. It is good to give encouragement. These emotions came welling up again; they are just what I do not need. I have been thinking of my Aunt and how it has been angering that I cannot travel anywhere until this whole ordeal is done. Then just the emotions of yesteryear. Should I or should I not share? I know that it happened a long, long time ago but these things rear their ugly head. It is something that just is not forgotten--no matter how hard it is buried. Buried, but not dead. Insecure? Perhaps. Irate? Yes. Mending? Slowly. Comfortable? No. Silent? Yes. I cannot believe this at times. Amazing how the sting just comes back to haunt. But, it will be ok.

My body is going through changes and I do not like them. I miss my family and I cannot do anything about it. These emotions are rolling around and I cannot stop them. I feel helpless and just at the beck and call of whatever is going on. They seem to rule me and it does not help me at all. Again, share? Fear, judgment, chastisement, lack of respect, indignance--they are all there. Sometimes the battle is just the beginning, and sometimes the battle is just the thing that stirs things up. I am stirred up and need to get into battle. I am tired and I am going to win.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Battling on.

Thanksgiving Day!

I have had a stunning day! I was able to eat more than what I had expected to eat. I was prepared to not eat anything what I was hoping. Some things are still very sensitive. I cannot eat chocolate. I know that for certain. Some spices are great and I can eat salsa! Gotta love salsa! But, I have to train my stomach with some foods. That does not bother me at all. I still have to eat carefully. It is tiring to eat and then resting after that. I did end up taking a nap after and that was very refreshing. But, I do know that my day has been full and I am very tired from it. I am very thankful for this all.

I have noticed that I am drying out more. I need to have more lotion and to be very careful to look for skin breakdowns. I am using good lotion and wearing my gloves after. My hands are all dried and cracked and my nose is dry and nasal passage dry and a little bloody. I will have to keep water going on the burner for humidity.

All in all, I am very thankful. Looking forward to Sunday service and to just enjoy. I wish there were more services.

Pushing on. Pressing on. WHA!

Enter the Holidays

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am not sure how I am going to be able to handle the meals. I was given a basket and I donated it out. There is no way that I am going to be able to eat all of that food as well as to keep it in my home without being sick. So, I know that Geoff's family will be able to eat that. There are three boys and his mom and that will be more important to me. Just walking through the grocery store can be more than a chore. I have to tell myself--stay focused and head for the food you need. I look at the sandwiches in the deli and long to have one with jalepenos! I am looking forward to some Thai! I will press on with that one! So, I got a trusty turkey and cream cheese bagel, cranberry juice, and two oatmeal cookies (one that I shared with my client). It is so nice to spend time with the client because there is no knowledge of how I am feeling. I am free to be just who I am and not worry. There are days when I could fall asleep while she is talking to me, but I hold my own. I love it when I have to recall a conversation and she says "did you hear what I said?" sure! "bla bla bla" Ha! I was right! Too, the smells of her home are kool! No worries of being "physically compromised!" But, I do have to keep my sleeves rolled down so she does not see my "war wounds". She would be very upset to see those and to figure out what they were from? I hope not!

So the weekend will be coming and I will be working throughout. This is refreshing, but I am tired. It will be good to just sleep. Sleep is so nice these days. I am remembering to take some pain reliever before I go to bed and things will be good sleeping. Mimi loves it when I am asleep too. She walks all over me, bathes me and purrs loudly! Ha, betcha she does not realize. I am so loved! Well, at least by the furbabies. I feel so loved and beautiful!

Now, to get past the holidays and the smells. I have my running shoes!

The furbabies

I am very curious as well. My little Mimi cat has been very clingy to me lately. This appears to be bothering her just as much. I have cried and her little meows have changed. A couple nights ago, I woke up to all stretched out and she curled up on my armpit--the surgical armpit! I really do not get it. I know that our furry children get emotional as well. Bless the little furbabies.

More than just existing

This is now almost a week after the chemo and I am just feeling incredible--in many ways. I am also finding that it is very exhausting eating. Who'da thunk how exhausting it is to eat? Well, I made a nice veggie dish and eating it slowly and nibbling on it. My stomach feels as though I have been doing hundreds of sit-ups without break. I am very tired but that is ok. Before I went to bed last night, I decided to take some pain reliever. That was a great idea! I woke up at about 5:30 am and was ready for the day. That was awesome! I went to bed at almost midnight last night after working on many things and got up at a decent hour. I prayed and relaxed last night and just was happy to be able to relax. While I am listening to Tenth Avenue North, I do believe that some of these chains have been broken. Yes, I still feel many emotions, but I have been set free! I am still some upset and angry about the cancer treatment, but not as much. This resolution comes with a lot of work. I am looking forward to more things completed.

I spoke with my little cousin about my Aunt's memorial. I do not like that I have missed things, but it is just for a short time. Summer will come soon enough and I will be able to travel and see everyone. I am so excited about that! That is my goal! To be able to see the doc and have it said that my last treatment will be on X date and then I will be free to travel in the fall. I am excited.

I am tired of crying. I am DONE! Emotions do not have me anymore. It is time to batten down the hatches! I am moving forward. I am tired of people looking at me as though things are just "pitiful" or other. I am going to press onward to my goal! My life has changed and I will work out my salvation with fear and trembling! GOD IS GOOD!

Pressing on! Pushing on! Peeving on!

Waking times

Well, this happened again. I woke up early in the morning to a lot of pains in my legs and my feet. I am getting tired of not getting the full night sleep that I need to mend. But, I am working on a new resolve. I am so tired of feeling like a whimpy, lack-sa-daisy woman. This journey feels so long, but now, it has just hit me! I am angry! I am angry at myself for feeling so helpless and so bewildered. This is a different path for me and a different way of living. I need to lean on others to help me but to understand that I am not a "young woman" anymore; I am working into a season of my life that requires me to live relentlessly on my skills and abilities but not on my physical strength as I used to. I am a whole, beautiful woman and the treatments that I am working on are just a way to ensure that I continue with that.

I am pressing on. I am pushing on. I am a juggernaut!

Back to work

Well, today I returned back to work from chemo. It felt absolutely wonderful! Then, I went to church and helped to set up for Sunday service. Although this is only a few hours, it really felt awesome! I enjoy being physically active and I have to understand that I have limitations. That really sucks--I have a lot of adjustments to make without a lot of people knowing. I have to make it look good--or do I? I am usually a private person and do not like a whole lot of people to know what is going on. I did have a lot of fun though messing with one of the other gals. I really have to watch myself because it can be just so much fun to really razz. I know, Caren be good. Oh, I am! With so much fun to be had, I had better really keep my claws in. Poor Jaymie did not have a clue. Pastor says to "share"! Ha! Oh, this can be a whole lot of fun. How much do I want to share with them, fun wise, that is? Oh, this can be fun. Last weekend, I put in a 54 hour weekend and really did not bat that much. Then again, last weekend was very difficult and had to just get through. Now, with the steroids, I am not getting a lot of sleep. I will have 5 more treatments to go with the steroids on board and no sleep. Oh, I have better get ready. I feel like Joker on Batman--"wait til they get a hold of me". Hahaha.

But the idea of chemo is getting easier. I know that this has been freaking me out. I have 5 more treatments left and then I will have 33 treatments of radiation. I can do this! This is hard but it will come and go. I have to be prepared mentally, and physically.

Pressing on!

Insomnia

Well, I cannot sleep right now. I am experiencing insomnia from the steroids that were given to me for the procedure. First I was cold and could not get warm, so I got up, got my jacket, pants and socks and crawled back under my comforters. Of course, turned the heat up some and then fell asleep for a couple of hours.

I was on the phone earlier this evening and had a meltdown. Oh, I am getting tired of all this crap. "how are you doing"? How the bleep do you think I am doing. Dealing with cancer, chemo, a 14 year old, my Aunt passing away, working like a dog, have to keep the house clean, smiling and making it look good for those who are in denial about what is going on--arg! How am I supposed to be feeling. Have I mentioned that this just sucks?!!?!!

It never ceases to astound me.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Peeving more people on!

The first day of chemo

Well, today was the first day. I had no idea what to expect. I was correct about some things, but some things I had to be educated about. The treatment did not hurt, but the needle sure did. I was wondering about the medicine burning while I was getting the IV. It did not. When I was in the ER for the migraine, the medicine in the IV burned. I cannot handle painful treatments at this time. I hate the needles more and more and now; I have to offer the arm that has the bad veins for injection. Some of these nurses are getting to "dig for gold" and that is very painful. "Oh, I can get it dear". Yea, I have heard that many times. But, I have been told that there are things that just are not going to be the same. My left arm is off limits to many things and as a proud woman who is physically strong, this will be different. I will have to look at the work that I normally do and cannot carry heavy things.

I have five more treatments to go. If they are like this treatment, then it will go really well. I hope and pray that this will be. I am scared some and realize that all of this is in the hands of my LORD--Elohim!
Pressing on!

Who'da guess

Well, after a very long weekend, I got to work. Yes, having the flu and getting ready for work is just not my idea of fun. I had to take two days off because the little one was hitting the high notes with the "porcelain god". When I got to work, my dementia patient had the sweetest words for me--"hello beautiful". I cannot tell you how awesome that made me feel. While I do not share some of my feelings with others, others do know some of my feelings. This was the best gift today that I could ever get. I have my highs and my lows and from there some in-betweens. Why should I feel so? I am a straightforward kind of person. I would think that emotional roller-coasters should be left for the experienced. I am not. I hate my rocky emotions at times. I see the looks from others and feel that I need to provide a reason for the emotions. Duh! Emotional woman, news flash! Chill! Breathe! Let it out! It is not ok to hold it in. I have found out lately that I have been holding it in and that means a lot of trouble. I spent the day yesterday sparring, breathing, praying, concentrating, laughing and attempting to sleep. I could not eat much before the feelings of being nauseous came back. But hay! Tonight I get to take some pills for the chemo. Oh, am I just full of the big time! I have to keep myself anchored. I want to work more than ever. I do not want to run, but I sure would love to. Hard, long and fast! Hard, long and fast.

I will get through this. I will continue to press on. All things work for good for those who love the LORD. Pressing on.

So it comes to this

I have been told that the second surgery was excellent. Of course, I am mending quite well and that the median cells removed from the breast were clear!!! I am so excited about that. Now, the next hard journey for the next several months will be Chemotherapy and Radiation Therapy. I am not entirely sure how this will work out with the feelings and to be connected to more medication. Some people are just heros--they can handle needles and IVs and all of that. I used to be able to handle almost anything, but I really have to restate that! I just want to run for the hills when I see the equipment. But, I have to be strong and persevere.

I had a chance to chat with Dr. --- about my comfort level. That was good to be reassured. However, I am still having great issues about being touched. Some days I feel like I could just knock someone out. I almost can feel the breathe on the back of my neck and then want to run for the hills. Sounds a little childish, but that is how I feel. I have to set my feet deep and just remain. I do not know how much longer that will last but I know that I must strive to overcome that feeling. Maybe I should get a t-shirt with the Dirty Hairy theme--"Go ahead, make my day!!" That might have an intriguing aftereffect. Would a green she-hulk shirt work? I have six months of this coming up and then radiation. I can do this?!?

This has certainly been a journey. I am tired and I have been tried by many. I swear, if anyone else asks how I am doing, I am going to lie and tell them something. Or, maybe, really share and let them weigh it out for themselves. I get the looks at the boobs too--that really gets me when I follow the eyes and then they rest on the boobs. What? Is something wrong? Did I not get the prosthesis in right? Hold on! I will get it! Ah, much better. Would that appease everyone? Gee thanks for telling me that my boobs are lopsided. I think I am compensating for being frustrated at the issues. Oh well. Chocolat!

Do you think a water balloon would have the same effect? Hmmm touch it, you tell me?

Would surprise them that I do not have a prosthesis. Pressing on to the goal. Pressing in. Pressing! Hit the button already.

The next step

Today, I had my appointment with my oncologist. I was dreading talking to him and discussing with him what I needed to. I think that I caught him off guard with what I had to say. He thought it was something that he had done and I had to reassure him that I have a history of sexual assault and that it was not by anything that he had done; rather, it was because I had been through a traumatic event and that it is possible that PTSD does effect me. Wow, to say it makes a big difference. So, this is what I need to work on.

Dr. --- told me that I will be starting my chemo next week. My very first experience with this and it will be before Thanksgiving. I should not have any trouble with this and this is awesome! I do not know what to expect and this is something that will be an interesting experience. I will have a chemo class on Monday and I am hoping that Garrett will be able to come along. I was wondering about the kiddo. I am loosing my objectivity and need to get my input from the ones that I trust. I have to entrust that their decisions are very good. This is a huge responsibility. When we are not able to make good decisions, we must be able to know where our help comes from. I am very thankful for this. But others--why is it that I am bothered by some people? Why should I make that much of a great concern?

The look on Dr. ---'s face was good. I must remember to send him a thank you card for a great deed. I remember years ago when I had addressed this with a nurse before a pelvic exam, I was told that the doctor was not going to perform anything sexual. Wow! I did express this to the doc today and I do not know if he has ever had any patient that needed to discuss this. I hope that he is ok. I know that I am and am not ok. This is supposed to get easier as it goes along but it does not. I feel a little lonely and aggravated at the same breath.

I look forward to chatting with my Pastor again. I hope that he does not mind my discussions. It is hard to look him in the eye when I do discuss these things. I have felt a lot of humiliation from an event that happened a long, long time ago.

I will continue to press on. I am pressing on. Pressing on.

Reaching deep down

I had a very interesting night last night. I did a lot of reflecting upon the things that I had spoken about. I wonder--what do I need to validate? Do I need to validate my feelings and thoughts? I have to say that this is far more scarier than anything. My thoughts and feelings are going to be more out in the open and I will have a greater responsibility to address them. My thoughts ran rampant last night.

One thing, in particular, was my capacity to love. What do people see when I choose to live a little more stoic day? I have never been a person to wear my emotions on my sleeves and with the work that I do, I cannot allow emotion to overrun or rule me. But, what do people see? What range of emotions should I display? And for whose purpose do these emotions get displayed? Tough questions that I will be answering them along the way. Aren't my emotions mine? Or, what?

Do I display my emotions so that others can feel good about themselves that they stirred significant emotion from me? I have always been told to keep my emotions in check and professionalism tells me that I am to keep my emotions in check. But! this is a different game altogether. My emotions are really in a turmoil over this whole mess. I feel insecure, frustrated at that capacity, upset that others do not understand me and then I get frustrated that I do not need to validate my emotions for anyone. This is really confusing me about how I have been feeling. I know that I should allow my feelings to be completely free to be expressed, but when these emotions are coming and no one seems to be comfortable with them, then what? Is it my fault?

I seem to feel emotional regurgitation. This is frustrating. The Cancer Resource Center tells me that it is ok to feel these emotions. But, not everyone reads this material and do not understand the range.

When I spoke to my Pastor yesterday, I had left the conversation with shakes and shivers. Although this is something that needs to be discussed, it put me into shock. This I did not anticipate. I wonder how many more times this will happen. Then I began feeling more shame and frustration about my feelings. I know that I should not feel shame, but I do. I thought that it was long buried; I guess not. Some emotions are more destructive than others. I am pressing on. Must continue to press on. Pressing on!

Sharing

Well, I did it. But, wow, not I have a huge responsibility to continue to share and press on. We all expect to be vulnerable at times but this is a little overwhelming. I try very carefully to word things well and concisely. Today, I shared with my Pastor the history of my rape. Being examined by so many doctors and feeling "exposed" has left me with feelings that I did not want to surface. I have always been willing to address this but now, the emotions are coming forward and they cannot be suppressed. It is not good to suppress these emotions. For a healthy recovery, I am eager to discuss anything. I will have more days of crying ahead and to be expected. The feelings of insecurity are going to surface and to be quite overwhelming. It will be ok. I know that it will. Pressing on.

I am tired

Well, I was in the ER last night with a migraine that was not going to let up. I ended up having an IV with fluids to help. I do not know what was worse--the migraine or the IV solution that was being injected. Just the same, things are much better. I am at the tail end of the migraine and I am very, very tired. I had to clean the apartment as well. Smells are getting to me so bad. But, I have to keep pressing on. This week, I hope to advertise the kittens (now 12 weeks old) and mature enough to be adopted out. I look forward to getting them new homes.

Pressing on!

Sweet Surrender

So, I have been relaxing today. I am very tired from everything. I am looking forward to being able to just close my eyes and to have no worries or anxieties for the day or upcoming day. It is even better to know that my emotions are the same for any other person who has been diagnosed with this illness. I have never been afraid to say the word; however! I am going to relax and have fun with others about this. Watch what you say! I might be the one to put you in a fun place!

Support

Well, this week has been long and hard. I have had an additional surgery and I did very well; however, the anti-nausea medication that was injected into my IV did make me sick. This week all that could break loose did. What I really do not care for is the lack of support that I have gotten. I was told that perhaps that because I am such a [physically and emotionally] strong person, I do not look like I need the support. I do. I suppose that there are many who think that my daughter is helping me out and giving me the necessary support that I need. On the contrary, this has not been the case. This has been quite infuriating.

My emotions have been very tumultuous. I do not think that there are those that completely understand just how much this has bothered me. So I have asked: why is it that no one comes over? Why is it that no one calls? Why is it that I get the looks from people as though things are very different and strange? I do not know. I have been told that it is possible that it is because of fear. That explains a lot of things. But! It is very unkind.

So, now this is where I stand. I had some words, again, with my pastor. I love my church, but I am not in the arena to be guessing about what is available if someone can come over for help and things. I am tired and I need some human contact and conversation. This is difficult.

I had my appointment today with Radiant Care. I will be going to Chemotherapy first before I go to radiation treatment. So, this will be a total of 3 months with one and then with the other about 33 treatments. Oh, how much fun!

I am going to have many difficult days ahead of me and this is why. Until next time.

Moving along

Things are moving along. I have been getting return phone calls for the upcoming treatment. This is very frustrating. I have to keep myself at even-keel. There are so many things that are pulling at me and I have to keep them just right. I am tired and things are not going to resolve any time soon. I know that I have to address the issue of so many examinations. I don't like that. Having to unzip to display the breast really has been getting to me. I have to compensate with humor and just a rough exterior. I am getting frustrated at that. Sometimes I wish that I could be knocked out for the examination. I am so embarrassed at this. I know that the docs have seen more breasts than I can say and that this is just a matter of ordinary for them. This is not just a matter or ordinary for me.

I must be very careful of how I compensate for all of this. Prayer, conversation and compassion is what I have been seeking. Wow!

Pushing forward

I am continuing to push forward. I am angry and resentful at the lack of services that I have not received. I have to double check on my own appointments without a phone call to remind me or any followup from medical staff. I have had to work my own pre-operative and post-operative care and reminders. I have had to complete my own assessments to determine where my mental health has been. I have had to be my own dietitian for this care. When my primary had sent out the referrals, they were all wrong. I was sent to the wrong oncologist's office--they did not accept my insurance. Then I had filed a complaint about that. Then I was sent to a cancer treatment center over an hour away. I had indicated that it was not going to be possible because it was too far away and I did not know anyone who would be willing to devout that much time for my "care". So, then I filed another complaint. Then I was sent BACK to the original oncologist and the doctor at that clinic had to call the primary and indicate that they would not accept this unprofessional behavior. I was able to get into another oncology office where they have accepted me as a charity case because I did not get the referral to the proper clinic. If I had waited any longer, it would not have made any difference. How much longer could I have waited? How much longer would I have waited?

This is why I have started this blog. There are so many other people out there that have gone through this. We know that President Obama has said "health insurance for all" but it is not feasible. When will medical offices start treating us like people first then patients. This has been a horrible experience and it is not over yet. I will still need to be heading toward chemotherapy and radiation. But when? Your guess is as good as mine. There are more phone calls that I have to make.

I am looking forward to seeing the end of the tunnel.

Continuing on

So the days have been continuing on and things are really mixed up. I have loads of paperwork to complete for insurance and for the upcoming procedures. I have a lot to look forward to with respect to skin rashes, infections, lethargy, nausea, difficulty in sleeping, rocky emotions and the like. And this is "normal" and to be expected. Yea! I have been overwhelmed at the whole thing. Trying to keep things together has been hard. I have support for the day but I could use some help at home.

My docs are great. I realize they address these things every day. I am tired and now, with an immuno-compromised system, I have a head cold. There is so much to do and I have to really work on my energy levels.

Where will the courage come from? Dare I say if I have the courage? I can do this.

I will

Top of the morning and I am trying to get prepared for the day. After a long night of crying, I feel a new day is here. I am a very passionate person and when I feel the expression of emotion, it can be staggering. I have never been the type of person to be full of emotion. Am I depressed? I have never been a person to succumb to clinical depression. It is normal to experience the range of emotions after such an incredible life change. I cannot and should not stop my emotions from surfacing; however, I know that I cannot let my mind go wild. I do know that there are very few people who are willing to discuss this matter and that I must listen carefully to others and for those who are there to offer sound counsel. I will listen to sound counsel. I am hungry for sound counsel. I am mutually concerned that my hunger is evident on my face and that very need for sound counsel may not be there for some time.

I will prevail. This is just another challenging day.

I am not alone

Today I had my appointment with my oncologist. I really do like Dr. B; he is a great doc. The news has been confirmed that treatment will be chemo and radiation. I did not want to have chemo because of the exhaustion and the possible hair loss; but, I will continue to pray that it will be ok.

My boss called and we had a great conversation. She did confirm that what my emotions have been doing is not my imagination. Yes, I have cancer. No! I am not a leper and I am a human being. Why are people choosing to be distant and apparently non-caring? When someone is diagnosed with a difficult thing, it is all that much more important to have human contact. Will I be able to have human contact? I wonder. Hug me, slap me, poke me, kick me! I need the contact. I am not an alien.

Another day

Today was a very interesting day altogether. I had taken the time to go by and update a friend about what has been going on. I have been very concerned about the distance I had been getting from this friend. I was not aware that avoidance was an outcome of being diagnosed with a disease. I know that it occurs, but I did not even take into consideration. I will have to be more aware that this can happen. I am not sure what to do about the avoidance. I have been trying to keep myself busy with things, but this may not be taking care of that. How do I get past the avoidance? What can I do about the avoidance? Do I confront this person? How do I bridge the gap of avoidance?

I will keep my thoughts clear and poignant.

Health for the day

Today has been a day that has been long and difficult. I am in the process of becoming cancer free and am very excited about it. My emotions are rocky and what I feel are very heavy. But, I know that I am well and that hope is not just a word that is tossed around. My type of cancer is not infiltrating my body. Because of menopause, I have had to deal with this. Despite taking care of myself, I could not avoid this. But, this will not deter my spirit. It is good and it is strong.