Beginning of the new week

Today is the beginning of the new week. This past week, I have been so exhausted from everything. I have not been able to get the quality of sleep that I have been hoping to get. I have found that I am a bit more dizzy and I am waking up with a chemo headache. I have four more treatments! I hate this! I really hate this!

This weekend I had been told by YET! another person--"I did not know!" Yea, like I had any intention of letting everyone know. This really makes me feel small and getting smaller. I really do not want a whole lot of people know because of the problems that happens when too many people know--they talk and it just turns and changes. Do I need to put it in the church bulletin? How about I just put it in the newspaper! So, now the mookie-mookie is going to commence. "AH! poor dear!" So much for privacy! Shot down the flippin' commode. I am supposed to feel good about it? I do not get it. So, with four more treatments, it is going to be interesting. Then the radiation will begin. That is going to be interesting. I need to know who I can touch. I know the children will be off limits. And some elderly will be off limits. I am very curious to see how this is going to be all over the church. I just wonder. At times, I really regret telling anyone. I really hate that some things cannot just be quiet. I would do anything to prevent people from looking at me differently or coming up to me and try to make nice. I really hate "making nice". Why should I feel this way? I really feel very uncomfortable about everyone fussing over this, but even more so that I do not care for everyone to know. That really gets me.

On another note: my mouth feels so much better and my nose does as well. I am getting ready to mend to get ready again for the next treatment on the 30th. Oh, this is just yippee skippee!

Another thing that really gets me is what others' perspective of what kind of woman I am supposed to be. I am a straight woman who wears steel-toed boots for work and like my dungarees. Now, because of the doo-rag, I get the looks. I am very tired of the looks and the comments and the well-wishing persons. I was actually told things about the kind of woman I am supposed to be. At church Sunday, I really got the comments about how well I looked. What the? Yea, I am already feeling ugly from no hair, covering my hands from chemo-dry skin, bundling up to stay warm, keeping the lotion on, dry, ulcerated mouth and lips and I feel like the ugliest thing ever. Then? I just do not get it. We women like to be told that we look beautiful and accepted and well desired. This past few weeks have made me feel anything less than that. But, I do not want to share that with anyone because I am tired of everything. So, anyone who reads the blogs may understand. I am getting more and more adverse to "sharing" about things that will not make a whole lot of difference. Thank goodness for the blog. I am getting to the point of a conditional share.

Four more treatments to go and then radiation. I need your strength LORD!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Ready on.