Things hidden

Today was a very interesting day. So much has happened today that I do not want to leave out any details. I worked all day and it was awesome. I am very tired and my stomach feels like I have been punched hard. But, I was very sure to get a deli sandwich and eat it! And it was awesome! Including the onions!! I love the veggie paninis with the Havarti cheese. It is a nice touch. So, I finished off a bottle of cranberry juice as well. It was slow, but I got it done. My mouth is sore and eaten up by the chemo and I have to be careful about temperature when eating. Everything cool is great. I have to wait for my coffee to cool to be able to enjoy it. Boy! It is nice though.

So, made a huge mistake today. While at client number two's house, I took off my jacket and my client asked what happened to my arm. I hate that I did not think ahead and just roll my sleeves some. I do not want people to see my bruises from my chemo treatments. I have always believed that my body should remain unmarked and clean. Medical treatments are different. Being told that I will have a tattoo on my body from radiation is enough for me. But, quickly, I did express that a client injured me--LORD, forgive me for lying. She noticed my hands as well. They are so tore up from washing and the side effects of chemo. They look like hamburger--raw, irritated and red. I wear my fingerless gloves to hide my redness and have to take them off when I am at work providing service. Arg! Things will improve, I know. If the disease does not kill me, the cure will!

I had to buy balm for my lips and my nose as well. I am red, raw and bleeding in my nasal passages. A combination of this weather and the side effects of chemo are driving me batty! But, having to remember, that this is only for a short time.

So, then two of the other gals and I had a great time of fellowship. We prayed, we had conversation and we encouraged one another. It is good to give encouragement. These emotions came welling up again; they are just what I do not need. I have been thinking of my Aunt and how it has been angering that I cannot travel anywhere until this whole ordeal is done. Then just the emotions of yesteryear. Should I or should I not share? I know that it happened a long, long time ago but these things rear their ugly head. It is something that just is not forgotten--no matter how hard it is buried. Buried, but not dead. Insecure? Perhaps. Irate? Yes. Mending? Slowly. Comfortable? No. Silent? Yes. I cannot believe this at times. Amazing how the sting just comes back to haunt. But, it will be ok.

My body is going through changes and I do not like them. I miss my family and I cannot do anything about it. These emotions are rolling around and I cannot stop them. I feel helpless and just at the beck and call of whatever is going on. They seem to rule me and it does not help me at all. Again, share? Fear, judgment, chastisement, lack of respect, indignance--they are all there. Sometimes the battle is just the beginning, and sometimes the battle is just the thing that stirs things up. I am stirred up and need to get into battle. I am tired and I am going to win.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Battling on.