Approaching Chemo #3

Well, I am looking at the next chemo treatment. I do realize that I am looking at the middle of the chemo now and it is coming right to the middle. I am not looking forward to this either way. I really hate chemo despite it all. I hate what I go through before--the anxiety and apprehension of the treatment--and then the side effects of it all. I do not like it. I was in tears all day Sunday and knowing that this is approaching gives me quite a bit of frustration. Too, I was talking to one of the guys at the church and did not realize just how much anger that I have about this approaching treatment. I really do not like to talk about it to people who have never been part of the treatment or the beginning of the whole thing. I chewed off the head of someone else and that was not OK. I will have to ask for his forgiveness. Yea, big guy too. I hate discussing this with anyone and hate discussing this when I think that it is going to be cast all around. I am not a fan of this. I really do not like to have a lot of questions asked of me. I do know, too, that my feelings of being walled up are still alive. For some of my peeps, I can get past this. But, I do not want a whole lot of questions asked or poked for information or prodded. I am working very hard at trying to get stay focused on this whole thing and it is very difficult and bothersome. I am looking forward to it getting a little easier. I would love for someone to come along and just be sitting with me. I do realize that it is too much to ask for. I have to do a good job at keeping it low key and covered up. There is only one person who has asked if they could come along but it turned out that this person took it upon themselves to tell another friend of mine about my ordeal--without my consent or my approval. I do not like having my decisions taken from me.

While I am getting prepared for this upcoming treatment, I am finding myself a little more compromised. I certainly hope that I can get to the end of this without loosing my mind. I do want to cry and cry and cry, but I do not want to loose control. Some think that it is fine to cry. I do not. I just simply cannot accept that crying so much is acceptable. When I cry like that, I feel very vulnerable and just laid barren without anyone to comfort or console me. If I cry that much, I would like someone to just hold me and allow me to cry, but I do realize that it will not be possible. So, I am doing my best to keep my emotions tightened up again. Sunday I was such a mess. I cried at the alter and then cried at the mere mention of how bad this year has been. I had to put my sunglasses on to keep others from noticing. Then! of course, someone had to approach me and ask if things were ok. HELL NO! Things are not ok. HELL NO! I am tired of going through this. Do people really want to hear about my "journey"? I do not perceive so. But what is the actual truth? People at the church ask and I think it is more because of being nosy. Sure, let's ask the bald gimp about things going on. Sure, let's ask the strange one about what is going on because we do not have anything else to chat about. SURE! Honestly, I would be amazed if I would see some at my doorstep. I have told my girl that if anyone did come to the door, I would not answer it. I simply cannot understand why some people act the way that they do. I simply cannot understand the way that some are so selfish and self-centered. Honestly, I don't think that there would be certain people that would even want to venture that way. Then again, I live on the third floor. Not many can make the stairs. You know your friends when they do come to the top floor.

I have heard many excuses and have been told many things. I am not excited when I hear what some people talk about. I am very pleased that I am keeping things quiet and keeping things to myself. But, I do have to keep my thoughts and feelings more tightly reigned. I need to cry away from others and not in front of people. I need to excuse myself when I feel that I am being compromised. I cannot simply accept that biting at people is ok. It is better if I just excuse myself and just look busy.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Busying on.