The next step

Today, I had my appointment with my oncologist. I was dreading talking to him and discussing with him what I needed to. I think that I caught him off guard with what I had to say. He thought it was something that he had done and I had to reassure him that I have a history of sexual assault and that it was not by anything that he had done; rather, it was because I had been through a traumatic event and that it is possible that PTSD does effect me. Wow, to say it makes a big difference. So, this is what I need to work on.

Dr. --- told me that I will be starting my chemo next week. My very first experience with this and it will be before Thanksgiving. I should not have any trouble with this and this is awesome! I do not know what to expect and this is something that will be an interesting experience. I will have a chemo class on Monday and I am hoping that Garrett will be able to come along. I was wondering about the kiddo. I am loosing my objectivity and need to get my input from the ones that I trust. I have to entrust that their decisions are very good. This is a huge responsibility. When we are not able to make good decisions, we must be able to know where our help comes from. I am very thankful for this. But others--why is it that I am bothered by some people? Why should I make that much of a great concern?

The look on Dr. ---'s face was good. I must remember to send him a thank you card for a great deed. I remember years ago when I had addressed this with a nurse before a pelvic exam, I was told that the doctor was not going to perform anything sexual. Wow! I did express this to the doc today and I do not know if he has ever had any patient that needed to discuss this. I hope that he is ok. I know that I am and am not ok. This is supposed to get easier as it goes along but it does not. I feel a little lonely and aggravated at the same breath.

I look forward to chatting with my Pastor again. I hope that he does not mind my discussions. It is hard to look him in the eye when I do discuss these things. I have felt a lot of humiliation from an event that happened a long, long time ago.

I will continue to press on. I am pressing on. Pressing on.