Reaching deep down

I had a very interesting night last night. I did a lot of reflecting upon the things that I had spoken about. I wonder--what do I need to validate? Do I need to validate my feelings and thoughts? I have to say that this is far more scarier than anything. My thoughts and feelings are going to be more out in the open and I will have a greater responsibility to address them. My thoughts ran rampant last night.

One thing, in particular, was my capacity to love. What do people see when I choose to live a little more stoic day? I have never been a person to wear my emotions on my sleeves and with the work that I do, I cannot allow emotion to overrun or rule me. But, what do people see? What range of emotions should I display? And for whose purpose do these emotions get displayed? Tough questions that I will be answering them along the way. Aren't my emotions mine? Or, what?

Do I display my emotions so that others can feel good about themselves that they stirred significant emotion from me? I have always been told to keep my emotions in check and professionalism tells me that I am to keep my emotions in check. But! this is a different game altogether. My emotions are really in a turmoil over this whole mess. I feel insecure, frustrated at that capacity, upset that others do not understand me and then I get frustrated that I do not need to validate my emotions for anyone. This is really confusing me about how I have been feeling. I know that I should allow my feelings to be completely free to be expressed, but when these emotions are coming and no one seems to be comfortable with them, then what? Is it my fault?

I seem to feel emotional regurgitation. This is frustrating. The Cancer Resource Center tells me that it is ok to feel these emotions. But, not everyone reads this material and do not understand the range.

When I spoke to my Pastor yesterday, I had left the conversation with shakes and shivers. Although this is something that needs to be discussed, it put me into shock. This I did not anticipate. I wonder how many more times this will happen. Then I began feeling more shame and frustration about my feelings. I know that I should not feel shame, but I do. I thought that it was long buried; I guess not. Some emotions are more destructive than others. I am pressing on. Must continue to press on. Pressing on!