As the saga continues

Wow. It has been a long time since my last posting. So much has happened that I cannot tell you just where it has stopped. Well, the continuing saga of having to fight for my healthcare has been ongoing. In May, I got my health insurance AGAIN! this time, it was provided through my employer and not through the state. This has been exciting. I have worked so hard with all of these jobs that it is finally the way to get everything done. 

If you recall, I had had my MRI for both breasts. Yes, that was not the most exciting thing that happened. Having to get my mammo every six months is the outcome. I have fluid behind the incision and this is something that I will have for some time. However, I do not have anything built up in my lymph nodes. I have a mammo on Wednesday and from that point, I will be rescheduling again with my surgeon. I will need to have an MRI, every year, for the rest of my life. I am considered to be high-risk. I am glad to have all of this.

On my last oncology appointment, my blood-work was excellent and my oncologist is very pleased. I have been working very diligently on taking good care of myself. I exercise and am looking forward to more. Since radiation, I have gained 35 lbs that does not want to come off. I was able to take 10 of it off, but the rest is so very difficult. I have been walking and doing more and look forward to doing more.

The matters with my kiddo are dynamic. They have been changing and they have been ok. We have been in family counseling and court several times. She was in one foster family and they did so much for her. Her behavior and attitude got her kicked out. Now, she is a home closer and she has been improving. But, her health is still a very large concern. Since my cancer diagnosis, so much has happened. Yes, she confirmed that the party that she had had on her birthday was the day she lost her virginity. They party they had had was enough. I do remember that very well. 

My kiddo has admitted that she is depressed and suicidal. In fact, she has attempted. In fact, two of my family members, in a two-month period, tried. Imagine that. When I had heard all of this, I just wanted to heave. I cried so hard on both of them. My kiddo's life has been changed forever. She has been in contact with so many of her other family members and not all of them have been accepting or wanting of her. I cannot express how much my heart has been aching over all of this. The experiences of substance abuse and now her mental health. This upcoming year will be quite the defining line for many things. I am not sure how I am going to address these things. 

So, I am now working on getting a prosthesis. Yes, my tatas are different sizes and I need to be looking at something that will help out. I am tired of all of this. My hair is getting more full and I am looking at putting all this behind me. 

Looking for new churches and looking for aspects of security. Look in my other blog. The explanation is there.

Looking forward. Looking hard. Expecting a lot. 

There and back again and again

I am there again. I have another appointment for an MRI for my left breast. The pain and the discomfort has been so much that I have not been able to wear a bra. I have to say, this is getting quite old. This discomfort has been existing for several weeks; I was able to get into the appointment rather quickly. I am considered as "high risk" for the type of cancer that I had. At my age and my history of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), I am high risk. So, I have expressed to the nurse that I need to have a sedative for the procedure. I will be in the MRI for a bit. There will be a contrast needed and then from there, imagery of my breast. What the doc is looking for specifically is under the scar and to determine if there i sanything else going on. I was told that the pain could be one of many things--the surgical procedure itself; the exercises that I have been doing; some cancer cells that did not get "killed" from before. I will not accept that any cancer cells did not get seen. I just will not accept that.

The procedure is enough for me at this point. I know that I have a lot of people praying for me and looking out for me now. Now. Hard to say that. After such a long, long time, it is hard to believe that others are there for me. I have prayed for it and I have believed for it. Oh, how much has gone in with the family situation. I just do not know where to begin.

The kiddo. So much to say about her. She was kicked out of the foster placement and now in a new placement. From what I do understand, the placement is not good. The chances of smoking and stuff being done again is really good. The counseling appointments have been placed on hold for the time being. I sure wish I knew what was going on. I cannot even go to see her. There are times that I miss her beyond my own breathe; but, I realize that I cannot withstand her behavior. I will not put up with the drugs, alcohol, sex, and smoking. She has been out of control for some time.

What I really hate the most is hiding a lot of this from so many. With all of what has been going on, it is hard to just open and share. How do I share? How do I just say "by the way..." I keep it from work, of course. I keep it from as many as I can. How do I share? How do I say what needs to be done? Not many can possibly understand what has been going on. I am careful to not get involved with too much that might require an explanation. I try not to get involved with things that people might want to get to know me. How do I explain what has been going on? I have been so emotionally needy and demanding. How anyone has survived me during this difficult time. Oh, how the days have been so difficult.

I try to keep myself busy with things. I try hard to not think about what is going on. It makes it easier in the day to not think about her. I have been thinking of taking her pix down and just packing them away so I do not have to be reminded. I am trying to change a lot in the home to take the reminders down and away. I miss her like I miss my heartbeat. But during this time, I look forward to more ease and less reminders. I look forward and not to the side or behind me. I have to not be distracted by what has been going on. It is hard. With the balance of the kiddo and the medical, it is still very difficult. Everyone thinks that it is that easy. It really is not. I just make crisis look normal.

I shaved my head again. Keeping it short because I have broken out with rashes and stuff in my scalp. As much as I want my hair to grow, I am concerned about the rash coming back again and again. I am so eager to look normal again. So many people are looking and I need to keep my head covered from the looks. I hate the looks. I have been told to not let it bother me. I hate it very much. I hate having to be working to not have things bother me. I hate things bothering me. I want peace from the burden. So, I will be keeping away from some people and will not be sharing a whole lot with others. I am so tired of it all. I am looking forward to change. Good change. I am looking forward to a vacation.

Looking forward. Seeking onward. Reaching carefully.

The girls

Well, the girls are in the forefront again.  Yesterday I had had an appointment with my surgeon. Yes, it is another round of appointments and the like. Because I am considered to be "high risk", I will be closely monitored throughout all of this. Because of my age and the early detection of my breast cancer, I will be monitored for the rest of my life. I will be able to access medical services regarding all of this very quickly. That is very good to know.

I did find out that my oncologist had decided to treat me with chemo because I was high risk. I was pleased to hear that, but this past couple of years have been met with so much diffculty and resistance. But, I am blessed. I know that so much has been going on and to get some peace and tranquility in all of this is so needed. I do not especially feel all that excited about having the girls displayed for everyone to see once again. No, I am not thrilled.

So, Doctor had given me a complete rundown of what might be going on as well as what might not being happening. I will be scheduled for another exam--an MRI. From what I understand, the exam will be able to have more conclusive imagery that a mammogram and ultrasound does not pick up. Certainly, my thoughts are running wild. If there are any cells that were missed, the MRI could determine that. However, when I had had the aspiration, everything was good. I am concerned, but I have to tell myself that I should not be concerned. I am in excellent health and I am well monitored for all my health conditions. I am also a strong advocate for what is going on. I am working diligently to be very open and vocal. Sometimes, very vocal and upfront. How am I supposed to be?

I was asked something about an aspect of my care. I was asked if I was sent to Physical Therapy for recovery? I said no. I was so very upset. I have not received a lot of aspects to my care and I have wished for a lot. I am not receiving anything and I have been working to develop my own care plan. I have worked very carefully to build my own dietary regimine; careful to develop my own exercise program with self-imposed limitations to lifting, weightbearing exercises and to continue to work and stretch out my muscles after the surgery.

One thing that the nurses have been amazed at was that I did not tell my clients what was going on. Nothing was discussed at work with my evening job and my clients from my day job did not know what was going on. I want to keep it that way. I had never gone to either boss and asked for special priveledges. I took very little time off from work because I needed the money and to build my finances for my taxes. I had anticipated that I would get a very good income tax return so that I would be able to have money for what I needed--clothes, boots, pants/dungarees, etc. I had to think ahead because I had no idea what was to be expected from my outcome. Now, I have insurance and I can get what I need to have. I am pleased with who I have. I have an excellent team of folks; but, one thing as well. They know that they have a spitfire of a patient. I will not just simply accept the okay. I will ask questions and I will be calling and pressing and pushing. When we have to be our own advocate, we must do that. It is not always easy or fun to do, but it has been done. For all of this time, it is very important for me to do.

Must keep going.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Advocating on.

I cannot believe I did this

I cannot believe that I did this. I had an appointment today to meet with the surgeon regarding my breast and I missed it. I hate missing appointments. I have had so many appointments and I have not missed any for a very, very long time. I remember missing one appointment and had to pay $20 for the missed appointment. I really hate missing these things.

When I miss an appointment, it just sends my entire day into a turmoil. Because I have not told my clients about what is going on with me, I have to fabricate a web of lies to keep my privacy. I am so frustrated that I cannot concentrate or relax.  I hate having to tell people lies about what is going on with me. I have hidden this cancer issue from so many for so long and I am so tired of this. I hate this very much. Just another aspect of why I hate cancer. I cannot tell you how many medical appointments that I have had regarding this whole thing. I am tired of reading about it. I am tired of talking to people about it. Some might think that because I am done with the treatment that I am done with everything and then I will be fine. No, it does not go that way. Some just do not get it. Many just do not get it. Just because the treatments are done does not mean that the after effects of it are gone. They are here. A huge ordeal still not gone away. 

I have rescheduled the appointment and I will be working diligently for this not to happen again for a long, long time. 

Pushing on. Pressing in. Remembering on. 

Taking a deep breathe

It has been a while since I have been posting. My appologies. I have been concentrating on many things and time has been escaping me. There has been so much that has been going on and I do not know where exactly to start. So, I will continue where I left off from my last posting--to the best of my recollection.

Have I told you how much I hate this cancer? I hate what has been done to my family. Despite it all, I can take a deep breathe and know that I have a little bit of some time to relax. Over the last several months, my kiddo has been arrested, placed into juvie, then to a friend's home, then to rehab and then back to school. She has been in sumer school now; we have had several difficult days of communication. We communicate through a counselor now; which , this is very difficult. I have had very little excitement about this. When it comes to the counseling time, I am just wiped and torn to pieces. I have not been able to see her or touch her. The communication is broken and I have had no updates about what is going on. I cannot handle the counseling sessions. I have been told about her drug activity and how she has been behaving. I do not like to hear about what she has done or who she has done it with. She has even said that she has done things that she is not proud of. She is several months clean and sober. Clean and sober. That is something that I really have to stand and say again. My 16 year old is clean and sober. But, the chances of her returning back to the home is not good. She has requested to stay away from the home. She says that when she is 18, I will never hear from her again. I wonder. She has also said that she wants to continue our communication. I wonder. It hurts very much to know that your child has been able to say so many hurtful things. And, she has said many hurtful things.

My health is excellent. Although things are always a battle with one thing or another, I am looking forward saying that I have worked long and hard on things. Just this past week, I had bloodwork done to see how hard I have been working on my cholesterol and other things. It was good! Although the numbers really did not change much, things did not get worse. So, I am confident that things are working better. Last month, I had had a medical procedure to determine if my reproductive health was good. It was excellent! I am very pleased to say that my health is very good. I had had a biopsy completed to determine if my uterine and cervical health were good. Not only was the sample normal, but it was determined that my cells were not estrogen receptive--I am in post-menopause! Naturally! Dr. B has told me several times that because I am not on any hormone suppressive therapy, I would be at risk. Well, I am not on any medication and my hormone, estrogen, has been not been in production. I had confirmed that this means that I have ensured breast health and that is the best news ever. I have been believing and praying that this be the case and it has been confirmed. Yes, I will still make sure to have the mamos like I am supposed to and to be sure to have my regular pelvics as I am told. I do not want to be foolish.  

It is nice to have this off my plate of worries. And that really has been on my plate of worries. In a week or so, I will have an appointment with a surgeon regarding my breast. I have had an aspiration completd several months ago. I had built up fluid in my breast behind the scar and it was not going anywhere. So, the doc went in with a needle and "sucked" it out. Yea, the whole idea of having another needle placed in the breast was not my idea of fun. In fact, I had had a massive migraine shortly thereafter. It lasted the entire day and it was very difficult to deal with. I have had a lot of migraines and they have been stressed induced. I really hate the stress that has been involved in all of this.

I know one thing for certain. I will not be sharing this with many. So much has gone on and it has been quite frustrating at how things have developed. Breast cancer has stirred up my entire life and has turned it upside down. I wish things would change now, but they have not and will continue to be challenging for some time to come. I wish people would understand what has been going on. Seems that I am faulted for having so much going on. When I go to medical appointments and I am asked about what kind of stress is going on in my life, I have to be very careful about what I share. I do not want to share a whole lot. But, I have been told--you have a lot on your plate. Ya think? What am I to do? Where am I to turn? I have to be careful about who I tell and whom I share things with. This is going to be difficult and I know that it can be done. I must be strong and I must be diligent to the cause. I can do this.

Seeking on. Looking into. Journeying on.

Continuing chronicles of ...

Without a doubt, events of my day are always intriguing and full of ritual. Some events are just exaserbating while others are just unspeakable. Today, I have been reminded of so many rituals. There have been some long days and long and tiring events. The heat of the week has been trying. Muggy and uncomfortable for the most part. Now, skin breakdowns are coming again. No, it is not because of treatment or anything; rather, it is all that much more very important to cover up, have clean clothes and know your product.

I have been reflecting upon the events from last year to this year as well. I am looking at myself in the mirror and see so much. My weight has been unchanged from last year. It has been so difficult to try and get the weight off. So, I am determined. Just like the other projects that I have had going on, I am working toward the weight loss again. I am determined that this is going to change. Right after radiation was done, I gained nearly 30 lbs. This past year, I have ben yo-yoing and this is going to stop. While I experience the frustration of all of this, I am going to need to get into a structured regime. Yes, I have purchased some great DVDs. Yes, I did purchase some Richard Simmons and he is great. I look forward to this all the time. Now, the best thing to do is to look for the time to get moving. It will take an hour a day to do this and I can do it. All I need to do is to move some furniture around and get into the grove. I look forward to seeing everyone doing the same.

Shaking it. Moving it. OMOM--Oh me oh my!

Red Rover, Red Rover, let ... come over

Red rover, red rover, let ... anyone come over. Yes, what a game that used to be when I was a child. I loved the red rover game. Today, I really do look forward to the emotional side of the game. The concept of permitting someone to be part of a game and exchange is good. We all need the exchange. The communication and the introduction of a shift from the everyday routine. Over here, the routine is far from mundane or everyday. But, when you deal with the afterlife of cancer, you deal with a whole different definition of routine.

I have been working on many aspects of my health impact. I have been noticing one thing, in particular that does not thrill me. I have been gaining weight again, little at a time. This time last year, I had gained nearly 30 pounds after the completion of radiation. I have lost, and gained, and lost and gained. Now, I have to take into significant reconsideration that I must take a closer look at the weight loss. I must stick to a strickter routine. I have noticed that I cannot eat the same kinds of foods as I used to before. Red rover, red rover, let .... no one with a whole bunch of junk food come over. I have spent time in others' homes for dinner and must understand that I have to! stick to my eating plan. My stomach can only hold so much and I can only eat past a certain time of the day if I do not want to be getting sick. Too, I have noticed that I must remain close to a healthier lifestyle. Lots of water, for certain. Too, I must be very careful about my grains. I love to eat my oatmeal and my hot cereals. Too, I love to eat my cold cereals and whole wheat breads. I have been taking time to learn more about the metabolic functions of these foods and to benefits of what it means to be chosing better.

While it seems that I have been working diligently on so many things, how is it that I am working on this? Well, this has been one of the things that I have been working on. Now, I must really take a closer look at it and say that I will not be deterred from it. When I go to a certain friend's house, she eats all kinds of stuff. Pizza, chocolate pies, all kinds of other yummies that I like to eat time to time. And, for the most part, it is ok to do that. But, know when moderation is to be used and when to eat these kinds of yummies. I schedule a yummies night out once a month and I will not stop that. I have been working hard on so many things and have been enduring through some fantastic events. And, of course, I will not be deterred from them. It is for my overall health and benefits that I continue and endure through till the very end.

So, the next thing that I am doing is to continue to take my supplements ontime. Two of the most important supplements that I have been taking are magnesium and potassium. These two have been so very important to me. The magnesium helps with my migraines. While the supplement has been noted to help with blood pressure and metabolism of carbohydrates, it really has been helping with the migraines. Too, it has been noted to help with bone density and osteoporosis. The chemo drugs did a number on me. So, in the meantime, this is a great way to help fortify my body after such incredible toxic sludge. I continue to exercise as well and am working on developing my day more and more for my strength and support.

Potassium has been another quintessential supplement. This is for my muscles and for my leg cramps. If I do not take my potassium, my leg cramps are unbearable. I have to take a certain amount of potassium a day. If I sweat a whole lot or drink a lot of water in a day, I have to take potassium at night. I remember one day, I had to go to the ER for my migraine. My attending physician paid me a compliment. He had expressed that I had a lower incidence of heart disease. He did indicate that I still had a risk; however, at this rate, that is not one of my concerns. This is very good to me. There are many things that we might be concerned about; but, this for me is one that is not a major concern. I was in a lot of pain from what I was going through; but, I know that I am on the right track.

My next best thing to work on is my tension. I must pay closer attention to what causes my tension, to reduce it and to seek to avoid the obvious triggers. In the meantime, I am excited about how I am working hard at trying to stay healthier and more empowered about my health. See you there too!

Pressing forward. Roving onward. Empowered on.

Thinking of things past, present and future

Yes, I am thinking of many things. I have been reminiscing upon the last few months and etc. Yesterday, I was asked about how things were going from someone from church. Many things that I had discussed were very emotionally stirring. I was so tired from the weekend; I have worked straight through. Yes, I am very tired. Usually, when I am this tired, I have to take into consideration that my emotions are very rocky.  I am stressed and I have to recognize when my stress levels are at the highest.  

When I had shared with ES, I regret the share. I have been told many things, but yesterday, I was told that I should be careful about a pity party. I do not ever think that it is what I have been experiencing. I have experienced some of the most horrific things in my home and when I have expressed to this person all of these events, I have been told not to have a spirit of self pity and have a pity party. Hmmm. I get a little upset at the fact that when others want to know what is going on, that I share and stupid comments are left my way. I simply do not understand what others say and how they can feel comfortable with themselves about it. I realize that I have said my own share of things, but I know that I have learned from them and learn to be a little more compassionate. Some things should not be said but should be left alone.

I do understand that the past couple of years have been very difficult. It is hard for me to accept "I love you". I simply do not want to hear it. Love has an accountability that Scripture says we are to do. If I say that I love you, then I must put some effort into it to express what needs to be done. I will show up tired, frustrated and eager to work. Will you? Are you willing to do what is right before the LORD or even your fellow man? Will you stand at the door and fight off the horrors that may come? Will you offer your life for your loved ones? I did. I went to chemo to fight for my life and it is left to mockery. 

I have to say, the upcoming months are going to be grueling as well. I have more procedures coming up and I have to be prepared for them all. I have a lot of medical appointments coming up and I need to be ready for it all. I can do this. I have a choice, and I am choosing well.  I hope that you choose well.

Pushing in. Pressing forward. Seeking choices. 

The continuing saga of another breast story

It has been well over a week since my procedure and I am mending. It has been a very long week with respect to multiple conversations with the Breast Cancer Screening department of my HMO. I have spoken to the same person multiple times and it is very good to have the same person understand what is going on. I have my return visit with my oncologist in a few days. Am I looking forward to all of this? No! I am not looking forward to being on any hormone supressing therapy. These things make my emotions a veritable roller-coaster and I cannot get the grip that I need for the day. I look forward but not.

Since the procedure, I have had to wear ice packs in my bra. For the first several days, I had to wear them constantly. I had bought several little ice/heat packets at the grocer. They are the cutest little things--they are in a little cloth cover that look like animals and they are able to be heated as well as iced. I have had them iced. It helped quite a bit with the bruising and the swelling. I am very fortunate that I had found them. I had been in so much pain that I had needed to get a perscription for pain reliever. Not so much fun. Still, eight days after the procedure, I am a little uncomfortable, but try to keep my mind off the twinges and stuff. This just gets to be very old very quickly.

My breast health is good. I have been told that the results of the procedure were excellent. I have no concerning cells in the fluid that was aspirated from my breast. This is good news. Actually, this is excellent news; however, they still cannot tell me why my breast continues to be a pain (literally); the next suggestion would be that I might need to go to the surgeon and possibly have an injection into my breast to manage the pain. Well, the whole idea of a needle back to the breast just is enough to put me into panic. Before the breast cancer, I was not as much afraid of the needles as I am now. Ever since the biopsy, I hate the procedures more and more. The biopsy was completed without pain reliever or anesthetic. NO! it was not my choice; it was thrust upon me. This is an issue about multiple procedures that some may not understand. The aspect of continue to preserve the dignity and wellbeing of the patient that is very important. Medical services, among many, need to undestand the importance of checkbacks and follow-ups. This is something that is very quintessential. Folow-ups are part of all care. This is something that should not be overlooked and is done frequently. This is something that must be done. No matter if it is ministry or otherwise. Following-up is important to physical and mental health. Quite simply, it lets people know that they are not alone in their troubles and their plight. This is part of palliative care that must be adhered to. If a nurse or medical representative is not prepared to do that care, then they must learn. This is what has not happened to me. I realize that I comment about this frequently; this is an important factor for care. There must be complete and whole care. If someone does not receive this type of care, then they must examine their clinic and determine if their clinic/HMO does understand what is going on. HMOs can be good organizations if and only IF they do understand the complete aspect of care. What a notion. It would have bee nice for someone to have come to my home to do a follow-up home visit for care. It does matter to me about how I have been treated. I do not subscribe to the "now that this is over, you are on your way" concept. Cancer is the most scary thing a person can be told. I realize that there are other diagnoses out that are equally scary. I cannot imagine being told that I have dementia or anything similar to that. These types of diagnoses must be handled with a strong support system. I am reminded of one of my most favorite Professors. He died last month; he was diagnosed with colon cancer and had made it through the chemo and radiation and had to take a six month sebbatical for the procedures and the care. Within a matter of a few years, he was diagnosed with dementia and passed away just recently. He had a strong support system. He was a monk and the monastic community was there to pray for him and offer the support that he needed. Why is that not available for anyone else? Is it available to anyone else? I am the type of person to ask and get the answers to such difficult questions.

It will be ok. I am ok. I am looking at more procedures and more things every six months. These things are not going away and are not easily overlooked. I am glad that monitoring the situation is nothing. A matter of a few uncomfortable procedures are nothing compared to a life of recurring hot-spots. I am well and continue to seek my wellness. See you there.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Existing in wellness.

Something that I am not looking forward to

In a matter of a few days, I will be having yet another procedure. I am not liking the prospects of another procedure; however, it is necessary. For the most part, my breast looks very good. However, I have some fluid building up behind the scar. The doc wanted to know if I had hit it or been bruised or what. I have no idea. It is entirely possible that I have bruised it at work and cannot explain what I did. Just the same, I have to go and have the fluid drawn out. So, on Friday, I will be having this done. When I was told this, I was struck with panic and memories of when I had had the biopsy completed. I had not been given any anesthetic for the procedure. No, I did not opt for that. I was told that it "was going to be just a little longer". Yea, and so the pain continues, doc?  I told the Breast Cancer Coordinator that I would not have the procedure done unless they had anesthetic to prepare me for it. She was amazed that I would ever opt to have a procedure without pain reliever. I had told her that I had not opted for that. It just happened and I am forever now suspect when it comes to medical procedures done.  She said that I would be able to let them know if my pain changed and from there be able to communicate my needs. I hope so!!!

So, because of the procedure, I have had to reschedule the "family counseling" for another day. I have rescheduled and from there the kiddo, counselor and myself will be meeting. I do not want the kiddo finding out what has been going on; simply, I have never ever thought to remotely have the assumption that I would be manipulating the situation regarding my health and welfare so that the kiddo might be persuaded to not do something. That would be unbelievably horrible. That I would not do. This has been difficult enough, but to include our children in the whole thing? We have to be very certain about how much they know and to what extent they would carry any responsibility if any. This has been difficult, but not impossible. To look back, in retrospect, it is very good to see that I remained unchanged in my promise. The kiddo had never come to any of my chemos. I am glad. It was impossible for anyone to come to the radiation. I am glad. This is not something that was easy to handle. In many ways, it was worse than chemo. But, it was something that I had completed and I am proud to say that I had no compromise. But, it was lonely. I had no other choice. I am here today because of that desire and dedication to keep pressing forward. I suggest that you do too.

Pressing in. Pushing forward. Dedicated to.

Yes, I believe

I have been thinking back of the last of the radiation treatments. Come May 15th, I will have been out of radiation treatments for a year. I cannot tell you how awesome that feels. No one really understands what I have been addressing unless they have been there. It is difficult to think back to everything that happened last year. Yes, things have been so long and drawn out. 

"The radiation has been very hard. Each and every day, I would have to lie down and get burned every day. My armpit and my breast are very burnt and getting dressed is a new experience in pain and discomfort. My breast hurts and I am constantly on pain relievers to help. I cannot express to you the level of pain that I have been able to get accustomed to. I do not like it."

There are no scars now. But, I have been thinking very hard and long about all of these events. I have to stay out of the sun for a while still and keep covered up with some good sun screen. I have SPF 50. That has been working. When I see my wardrobe from last year, it makes me wonder how things worked. I did it!!! I made it through. Now, looking back, I can see just how much things have been so difficult. I am glad things are distancing themselves.

Looking forward. Remembering back. Seeking. 

In this journey

In this journey, many things are expected to pop up. Oh, how they have. How do I tell of all the things that have happened during this time? Since my last posting, my breast has been hurting me. Yes, the pain of this all is coming to the front and the angst of having to repeat all of this has been at my forefront. I had to make another appointment to have another mammogram completed. And what they found was hard to hear, but still very good news. I have fluid building up behind the surgical site and it is creating pressure within my breast. Ok. Everything else is benign. That is good news. But the entire aspect of having to get into the machine again was very difficult. Being touched and squeezed and man-handled again was stressful. But, I did it. I was told that the only way to relieve the pressure of the fluid buildup was to have a needle reduction. The fluid would have to be withdrawn from my breast and it had to be done in the facility. Ok. This is a huge issue for me. I did ask for anesthetic and they did reassure me that this would be completed with anesthetic. When I had had the biopsy, there was no anesthetic. This was enough for me to be overwhelmed. I had cried for the remainder of the night. I had to go to urgent care because of my tension headache and migraine. I have new meds for that now. But, the doc wanted me to be able to get some fluids and to sit there while I was helped. But, I would need to have a ride home. Oh, that was the topper. A ride home. I am a single person with no family here and there are little persons to help out with the ride home. I had to refuse treatment because I had had no ride home. When I had gotten home, I made sure to take some of my other meds and then from there was able to sleep for a while and get a better night sleep. But, the angst of it all was enough. 

So, now my associate pastor DS wants to know more about what I have been through. So, this weekend, I have spent a lot of time looking through information. I hope that the information that I have will be enough to express to him just how I have been feeling. I want him to share it with his wife and others so they can learn. Too, I have printed up stuff for him regarding rape trauma syndrome. This will be interesting reading. I hope that he will be able to get through it. I really do want someone to understand what I have been going through. I really do want someone to understand what I have had to undergo this past couple of years. It really is not horrible.  

I really do want others to understand. I have no intention of being that difficult. But, it is good to have an explanation as to why I am working so hard to have everyone understand what is going on with me.  I want to rest. I want to be able to just put my feet up and know that I am not being pressured into doing things. I want to get past all of this. I really do. But, I do not want to worry about people misunderstanding me. I know that it will happen just the same. 


Looking forward. Seeking more. Expecting much.

Walking along

Well, I clipped my hair again today. I spoke with N tonight and she was asking me when I was going to let my hair grow out. Hmmm. This is something. I do not know. I do not want any of my clients to get the clue that I had had cancer and I have told them that I have psoriasis. Because of chemo, I had some very interesting things happen to my skin. Thank goodness that I am able to be very convincing. I have been very convincing and everyone that I meet in my regular routines are very good to keep my "secret". I love to go to the same grocery store and everyone knows me there. I have a great crew that will keep my privacy. Even though my aggressive treatments are done, does not mean that everything is done. They are so good to me.

So, I am thinking of walking around without my do-rag at church. I know that many people still look at me strangely and I hate the looks. I suppose it is a change from having everyone look at my breasts instead of my face. There are times I want to be just forward and say, "hey! My face is here. Look up!" Well, that is not going to be the issue. It is going to be a matter of everyone just having the time go by and not remember all that has been going on. Yea, like that is going to happen. My breast still hurts time to time and I have been told that the surgical area will hurt for a little while because of the scars. Well, there are times I would love to go up for prayer and see what Pastor would say. "What can I pray for?"  "Geeez, this hurts. Lay your hands on this and make it better". Hmm. Do not think that it will go down all that kool. Oh, well. My sick sense of humor is really doing well these days. I really could use a jump start at times.  In the meantime, I must retain as much of my personality as possible. But, I have to say that the clippers did a great job. I realize that I am doing this without a mirror and it is going to be tricky, but, that is the way it goes. I have been doing this now for several months. It actually looks good. So, will I be able to walk around without my head covering? It has been so long that it would feel very different if I did not wear anything. The last time that I did not wear a covering was in church several weeks ago. I got a lot of looks. I suppose curiosity got the best of many.

Now, in the meantime, I will be looking around and seeing. The summer sun and heat will be coming and my hot flashes are getting stronger and stronger. I am glad about that. Yes, that means that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing. It is supposed to be shutting down and getting ready for the complete change. It is good to do that without the drugs and the chemicals. Nice to know.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Wondering within.

Seems like a continuing saga

I know that I have said it so many times regarding the kiddo and things at home. Well, things are home are just that much more challenging and fun. The matters continue and the events that have led up to this point do not stop. They are continuing. I must say that I am very tired of the events and behavior that has occurred over the past several months. These events make it more and more impossible to seek after my healthcare. I have to make more consession over what is going on. I have to take more of my energies and devote it to the kiddo. Yes, our children are very important to us; but, there is a point where we lose our identity in them and we must be able to keep our health at the same time. It gets to be a very difficult thing for me. But, I am working diligently to keeping my records in order and getting on with the order of my life. How am I supposed to behave? I just do not know anymore. There are so many things going on.

I will get through this. I will get beyond what is bothering me. I will move past the point where things are not so difficult and things are less stressful. I remember thinking that I would not make it past chemo. I was actually at a point where I did not feel that chemo would ever end and a life did exist past it. Now, I can see that it does. Yes, there are days that are very difficult. My migraines are very frustrating. I have to admit that. My body is more sore; but then again, I am getting older. But, it should not mean that my whole day can be so laid up at times. Easter Sunday, for example, was a very difficult day. I had had a migraine and I was not good for anything. I was not good for anyone either. I had to sleep the entire day through and then I had some coffee. Oh, what a day that was. It was quiet and I did not have to do anything for anyone. But, it would have been nice to have some company.

I get frustrated at the behaviors of others. I know that I should not because I have no control over others. I get more frustrated at others who know the apparent difference between right and wrong and still continue to act the way they do. I do not want to sound like a scorn woman. I just want to say that some things could change. Really, they do need to change. Perhaps, I am working to hard on making a change. This change, I want for me. Of course, we all have something to change. But, I want some changes in me. I want to be a different person. I hate what lies within, but I like what is coming out.

Looking. Seeking. Having it all come out.

Entering the gambit..more to come

The countdown begins. In a matter of a few hours, I will be sitting before the Judge to explain matters. No, I have not done anything wrong. I had paperwork that was not complete and for the most part, I have to provide that. I have. I have made multiple phone calls and faxes to the important people and they have been able to find what was lost and needed to be provided. When I had first inquired, the files were not found. But, when I had faxed over what I had in my files, it was a completely different story. The files needed to be located and from that point, they were found. I am very blessed about that. But, the matter at hand will not end there. It will be up to the court to determine if they want to get more information than what I initially have. At least, I will not have to pay for it. It will be the burden of the court to determine what will be next.

It does seem like it is a gambit. I seem to be needing to run the entire race before I can get any type of action. If it is not one thing, it is another. I have a choice to make and I have to really consider this very hard to determine what is the best outcome. I must choose if it is best in the interest of my child to return back to the home or for the child to remain out in services. A couple of days ago, I was told some very difficult things. I met a young "man" who has been one of my kiddo's associate in the forray of her drugs and alcohol. Oh, by the way, did I say what the mess was about? Yes, she has been doing many things. I have had to call her in as a runaway for the past 10 months or so. There have been so many days where I have had to call her in as a runaway. The longest she was gone was two weeks. Then she was arrested. Then she spent a week in Juvie and then off to a half-way house. So, now she is with a "friend" who will be keeping an eye on her. So very interesting though--no one has been around and so I have been highly suspect of what her motives have been. This is very difficult. Why would someone who was not there during the ordeal want to be here now? Should I accept this effort now and accept it as something that really is merely what it is? This torments me.

This is just part of the gauntlet. Sometimes I would love to have a "throw-down" but it does not happen. I would love to be satisfied with some answers but they do not come. I would love to see the end of this tunnel, but it does not come. It seems that the gauntlet continues.

So, with all of that in mind, the kiddo will be needing to go through a lot of stuff. She will be needing to complete many assessments and to continue to seek after her own wellness. There is nothing worse than being a teenage substance abuser and alcoholic. This has hurt me deeply. The things that have been said to me from her have been deeply injurious and I must understand that they have been said through the influence of these substances. It really amazes me. And grown-ups want to have this as part of their lives? I was offered medical marijuana but I refused. I refused because I am not a hypocrite and will not take elicit drugs to make me feel better. I cannot imagine anyone else in such pain and that nothing can stop the pain otherwise. I cannot understand using such garbage to make themselves feel better. Then again, no one can understand the course of breast cancer. I was lucky and very blessed. Others have not been. I have lost several people to cancer. One day, it will be my time and I hope that those who love me will be there to witness me leave this life. In the meantime, I certainly hope that it will not be this person. Then again, I can imagine her saying "But, I have taken care of your daughter and this is the thanks that I get?" Well, I wonder. Really, I do. I wonder all the time. When we say, "I care", do we really? One of my best friends was so irate when I had expressed to him what all the details were about. This was last weekend. I had told him about all that was going on and that I was waiting on key faxes for the court. I was expressing to him that I was heavily weighing the option of allowing my kiddo to remain out of the home. There are so many things that I wanted to express and did my best to convey my thoughts. How am I doing? Do you understand me so far? Yea...he did.

So, this means that the kiddo will be out of the home throughout the holidays and possibly back to the home next year. But, I might decide that she become emancipated. She must learn a lesson. She decided to venture out and get stoned and wasted. In the same aspect, someone might say that the addiction was just too much and she really had no choice. Perhaps. But, the choice must remain hers. She decided. So, natural consequences are that she must do the time. Too, she will have all those wonderful medical appointments that she has never wanted. She has had sexual relations with almost everyone. What part of that do I not like? All of it!! When a woman becomes sexually active, she must begin her lifelone career of pelvic exams. Yea. The wonderful pelvic exam. She will have no other alternative to have them. She will fight them. Afterall, it was fun having the sex, then it will be fun being able to have the medical appointments to make sure that she is healthy and cared for.

Now, with this going on, I will be able to concentrate on my medical appointments. I have been hot flashing!! Yes, I have been hot flashing all on my own. This is good news because that means that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing naturally without any assistance from any medication. But, I do remember that when I would have hot flashes, I would have more headaches. I will be keeping a log about all of this and determining what the triggers are. I hate these things; but, I hate being sick even more.

I have been working on exercising more as well. It is a very good thing to be working out and to be getting focused on things that are healthy. I want so much to be able to do the Susan G Koman this year. But, it is not possible to get that done. I will be working on training just the same. To stay alert and healthy, I have been stretching and working. Ah, I purchased Richard Simmons! Yes, because of chemo, my body is a little bit more sore and tight and I have been working diligently to keep myself stretched and limber. It really is the best way. Too, the past several weeks of stress has been so difficult to my body. I have to keep a close eye. Yes, I know--always keeping a close eye. But, we have to now because of the post chemo life.

Looking. Seeking. Not sure I want things to be found.

In this corner of the world

I must say that no matter what, life is never dull or without challenge. At this point, I have been working diligently on so much. Since the last time that I have posted, there have been so many events going on. First, updating in the cancer journey. I still do not have health insurance at this point. I have paperwork that will help me in getting charity assistance. Amazing. Charity. Thank you everyone who contributes to the American Cancer Association. There are many out there that do not have insurance. So, completing this paperwork is very important. Getting this information out is important. I am sure that my oncologist will be very happy to see me once again. Every three months, we meet. If there are other things that I need in the meantime, I must figure something out. There is a clinic here in town, which remains unnamed, is just horrible. They are so poorly equipped with the assistnace of referring clients to professionalized services. I, for one, can say that. They did not support me adequately.

Too, the Breast Cancer Coordinator is awesome!!! Thank you AP!!! You are phenominal. So many have been working on my behalf to get me to services. Despite the time that I do not have and the time that I need to have. I am really working diligently on getting this completed. I have been looking foward to chatting with someone just the same with respect to the volunteer. I was assigned a volunteer to chat with regarding my journey. I have spoken with this person but just a couple of times. We were scheduled to meet for coffee and unfortunately, I was called into work on an emergency for a client. This volunteer has not called me back. She has not responded back to me when I had called to see if we could reschedule. I am sorry. This is quite disappointing. I hope, that one day, I will be a good volunteer to talk to. I pray and hope that I will be a good person to discuss these matters with. LORD give me the grace. With all of this, there is so much yet more to do. I always say that. How can I be more descriptive? What more can I say to get things done? What more can I say that would express the amount of responsibility that I have? I am not alone. You have just the same amount of thigns to complete; yet, it is on a different level. Stay focused and keep your chores listed according to their priorities. Make lists if necessary. Make to-do piles and be sure to be diligent to complete them. One of my biggest troubles is addressing the growing piles of medical bills that are coming in. I am just a little bit frustrated; but, I must be wearing my big-girl panties and get this done. I must get as much completed as possible.

So, now the kiddo. So much has been going on. Yes,she is now in temporary Child in Need Services (CHINS). This has been good. She cannot smoke, drink or do anything else during this duration. She cannot just get up and disappear. She must be fiending for some marijuana and alcohol. So many of her "friends" have been offering this to her. She is at a new school and this is going to be a very interesting journey for her. What a horrible thing to be considered at teen alcoholic. But, the most positive thing is that if she can accept this and recognize when she is having a difficult time, she will be the better. As I have expressed this to the Social Worker--she seems to think that she is in control. Well, beg to differ. She is the puppet and we have the strings. Until she is old enough to completely appreciate what has been done on her behalf, there will be little understanding on what has been done and what is going on. I am looking forward to her understanding that she cannot go through the home and just dig up what she wants any time soon. She must be able to accept the rules of the home and that we are aware of what is going on. For some reason, she just does not understand what is going on.

So, what next? Well, I will continue to pray. I will continue to remain fixed and focused on the goal set before me. I will continue to seek remedy for the needs that we have. My suggestion is that you do the same. Do not give up hope. Do not give up any effort in seeking the best outcome for what you are dealing with. It can happen. No matter if it is a weight issue; serious health issue; family troubles; marrital. you can do it.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Not giving up.

Planning and coping

I am here again. These days are always here and then I look and see that the calendar date is different. I was thinking of the many times that I have been in discomfort or other from the outcomes of treatment and then I was reminded about something. (I have to remember to be a little less vague and more specific.)When I was at the beginning of the diagnosis, I remember the stamina that I had had and the diligence that I was engaged in for the course of the treatment. I am here. I am tenacious about it all. Today, my hands hurt. It feels like arthritis. My body hurts more and when I move around in the morning, it is very difficult to get around; then when my body warms up, I am ready to go. Some of the outcomes to what has been going on. I need to let the office know. I need to write the list of complaints down and let them know. But, I have no health insurance. I certainly hope, for the reader, the importance of understanding that the circumstances of all of this will not change; the only thing that will change is my attitude. How can that change? For the things that I know must change, I plan on doing so. I am tired. I work a lot and I do not see it going anywhere. I pay my bills as they pile up from the medical costs of "treatment". My mind wanders on the obligations that are set before me and then of the outcomes. A cancer patient who has no health insurance. Hmmm. I was supposed to call one of the other ladies back, from the medical clinic, last week. Is this a moot point? Is this really a situation that I want to keep running around in circles with? I have had medical insurance given and then taken away from me for too many times. I have no medical insurance. So? What must I continue to cope with? Who do I talk to about what I do not have?

If the situation with Obamacare comes through, then this will make things even more unimaginable. How is it expected to be that every citizen of the US MUST have insurance when they are unable to pay their own rent? bills? food? How are all employers able to provide health insurance to all of their employees? What will this do to the cost of health care for the future? Will it create costs to soar out of control because of greed and lust of money? Wil this impeach the quality of care to the client/patient?

When I was diagnosed, I had to go to a clinic that was so substandard, it was unreal. I was referred to an oncologist that did not accept my health insurance at all. Then I was sent to Seattle for treatment. Then, when I had pitched a fit regarding the distance and the inability to do so, I was sent back to the original oncology clinic. You remember the story. I had written about it. Now? Look at me. I will not go back to that clinic for anything. It is the worst clinic and has the worst reputation for its healthcare. Healthcare. Hmmm. H-e-a-l-t-h-c-a-r-e? Some practitioners must have this spelled out to them. Healthcare. Sounds like a cussword to me. Oh, can we cuss here? Suppose I already have.

I am amazed. There are so many that are out there that do not have health insurance and are dealing with far greater circumstances than I. But, that does not make matters any better. Can you imagine a pregnant woman without health insurance? Happens all the time. And those folks who are complaining about what they do not have...the latest games; cannot get onto Facebook; cannot get their weed; bla bla bla. Better get with the program because it is becoming quite archaic to sit and whine about matters that are not worthy of whining about. Send your request to the Prez! He really is concerned!!!!

I am curious about a client's right to self-determination. Will this be a fighting point with respect to health insurance mandation? Are we going to be calling this Orwellian-health care? If you detect a little anger, you are reading correct. For so much, there are matters to be addressed. I am, with all diligence, trying to take good care of myself. I do not drink or smoke or entertain social drugs. Yea, aren't we a socieity when we can say that drugs are now "social" instead of illegal. We have really waxed the situation down to that. We are social illegals and not textual illegals. Hmmm. What to be ready for? An outcome to change and then things become more pressed and a hotter issue.

I must take time this week and call my contact person with the clinic. She will be amazed at what is going on and how to address this. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I am not impressed or amused. I am supposed to have an appointment with my oncologist this month. I have not made an appointment to be seen. I have no health insurance. The matters that I have to address with my kiddo has taken all of my extra time up and to fit things into my schedule will be something else. How can I get to the doctor's office if I am working as much as I do? I am caught between a rock and a hardplace without the answer to come. What am I to do? What am I to do that I have not done thus far?

My kiddo?!. This is a quandry all in itself. The matters at hand now are that she has requested for Child In Need Services (CHINS). This means that she has asked to be removed from the home. I have believed for a long time that she has not wanted to see me be sick. I do not want her back to the home to watch me be sick or to be my nurse or anything. I do not want her to be here to be my home health care. I will never allow that to happen. No matter what her age is, she will not be there to fill that position. I have to admit; I have some trepidation about all of this. But, I should not. I know that the LORD is there to comfort and direct me. Yes, my emotion is very vexed; but, I am reminded. I have to be reminded. What are my outcomes? Whatever they must be in order to get to what needs to be. This is not just garble. This is an error in our culture that those who are dealing with serious health issues are unable to get health insurance. Yes, cancer treatment is very expensive. Of course; could it be any other way?

Determination. Diligence. Destination. I can do this.

Seek. Look. Find.

Knock, Knock--who'se there

Silly to say, but "knock, knock--who'se there"? Well, it is me. I am here. I am here at the door looking at so much going on all around me. There is so much going on that I ust do not have any more desire to come out to play. I have been fighting this battle for so long--the no insurance battle. Because of no insurance, I cannot be seen in my doc's office for anything. I cannot go to see my oncologist; I cannot go see my regular doc's for anything. How is a person supposed to be able to complete their treatment if there is no insurance? We are looking at Obama-care and the mandatory insurance laws. How is that going to make things all that much better? Do we pay our rent first or do we pay the health insurance first in fear that we might be penalized for not having insurance? Well, the answer is we must take care of housing costs first. I have no insurance. This has happened to me too many times. I have not had health insurance for so long. This interferes with my ability to have care and coverage. I get worried.

There is always so much paperwork to be completed. I have to call so many agencies for coverage because there are so many out in the great US that do not have coverage. Then the coverage that is provided by the state is so minimal and is not as widely accepted. There are so many docs out there that do not accept the health insurance and substandard care is received. How is it supposed to be when "health insurance" is meant to establish quality of care that care is lorded over you if you do not have the right kind? And of course, you cannot receive care of any kind without health insurance. This has been such a problem for me. For so many years, I have not been able to carry health insurance. And now, when it is so important for me to have it, I cannot afford it. The ones who have insurance are the lucky ones. For those who have insurance are the ones that will live the better quality of life? There is no health insurance for [...]. No matter how much that I work, it is not possible to get it. And now, when I need to have important health screens, I must have to complete a lot of paperwork for charity and for other opportunities through organizations--The American Cancer Association. I have to submit my claims to them. I am thankful for them because they will allow me to get that coverage that I need.

Too, I have finally found somone to chat with regarding my breast cancer and I was to meet with her. I had a client emergency and needed to cancel this appointment. This was canceled. However, she has not called me back again. I am so close and yet so far. I am so close to getting some support and am getting it now. Support for my kiddo through the Probation office. I am getting some work done; but, so much more to go. I am thankful. I am glad that some changes are coming and that things are on the way. It has nearly taken two years since my diagnosis for things to get into place. It has taken nearly two years since I had found my lump. I cannot believe it!!! It does not seem that long ago but it has. It has been a long, long haul with everyone and there has been so much going on. I just cannot believe it. I canot believe that so much has happend. It does not seem that two years has gone by. When I can see five years gone, it will be awesome. But, I know that I must always have screening and testing all the rest of my life. I know that this will be gone for good; but, the necessity of having checks and screening is so very important. This will change the rest of my life.

Changing. Pressing. Pushing.

So many times, and again.

There have been so many times that I have just said, "I wish." Perhaps that is an understatement. Perhaps, I should say, "I hope."  This has been a very long and difficult walk this past nearly two years now. I cannot believe that from the time of my diagnosis, it has been nearly two years. Come June of this year, I will have had to worry about cancer for two years. I am amazed at how the time has gone by. When I look at the personal ordeal that this has been, I cannot see the passage of time. But, the time has gone. It did not lapse to something else. I am fixated! So much has happned during this time and it has been so ever present in my life. Yes, the chemo and the radiation are complete, but what it has left me in is another story unto itself. This seems so much like the continuing saga--The Chronicles of Caren. Yea, I have said it once before and now, I am saying it again.

So, I have been told that my health insurance throught the state does not exist anymore. I make too much money. So, I was given paperwork for Medical Disability.  This is not what I was asking for. Yes, I am working. Yes, I am able to work. No, I do not want to quit working. But, I have no health insurance and so, I have to do something to get it. I am not financially able to afford my own health insurance and so, I must figure something out. No health insurance. How comforting!!! I think that every cancer patient should have health insurance. But then again, OBAMA-care would have it that all of us have to pay for very expensive health care without being able to afford anything else. Insurance is not cheap. Then of course, your co-pays and anything else that is to be attached to it would be the same. I am just not sure. So, with this, the long-lasting side-effects are what I need to have constant care for. Too, continuing treatments of hormones or other stuff is the frustrating thing. How do we keep the beast of cancer back without being seen on a regular basis and have those wonderful bloodtests? Hmmm. Yes, prayer to keep things going. And to use wisdom about how I live my life, eat and exercise. Yes, all of that is very important. All very important. Of course, all very important.  I have been concerned and worried; but, I have been very careful not to voice it very much. So, now you know. I am very concerned and worried that my care is interrupted. I make too much money; but, I do not make enough money for health insurance payments. Both my jobs together do not give me enough to earn health insurance or to be able to get to the doc and pay for him/her. Quite frustrating. No health insurance. And this paperwork? I cannot complete it. The questions are asking me as to why I cannot work. When was the last time that I worked and etc. This is not right.

Then, to boot, y kiddo has been doing all kinds of things. There is a warrant out for her arrest for the things that she has been doing. She is on criminal probation and she refuses to comply. I cannot help but to wonder about my breast cancer. No, I do not have cancer now, but what stops me from having the cancer again? Not so sure. But, I know one thing, this is well enough not over. I must have the strength to continue and to be able to endure more to get to the end of the journey and trail. No, I am not saying that it is the end of my life. I am saying for the end of the obligations. I am hoping that I will be able to have health insurance and I must find out what I can do to get it. I am very certain that I must be even far more careful and conscientious with my finances to get that health insurance. OH boy!

What to do; what to say; how to do it; how to say it. I am not disabled! I have to figure some things out.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking beyond.

What goes up, must come down

For the most part, things are never dull. I have to say that no matter what is going on in my home, it is never dull. Even my cats are never dull. But, here of late, I have to say that I have had my share of things that I care not to have. I am tired and full of thought. Today, my kiddo was put into juvie. Yes, the next best thing with the Chronicles of Caren. For the past several months, there have been so many events that have been so stressful. Sure, the cancer diagnosis was enough, but this is more than just that. It has been so predominant in my life and I am frustrated and feel helpless that things cannot change. It has is not nearly a year since my last chemo and now, things are even more crazier than what they have been. Where to begin?

Where to begin? Well, to begin with, this journey seems to be getting a whole lot more difficult and more stresful than what I would have imagined. I would not have guessed that my child would be in more trouble and danger than expected. I fight this all the time. I have said this before. But, the evidence seems to be popping up all over. My kiddo has been involved with things that I have not approvd. Yes, I have guessed that she was capable of such things; but, a parent never wants to invite things more than what they are. However, this past year has been one thing that I have never expected to see. My girl has been through a lot as well as I. It is hard to think of myself at this time when I think of all the things that she has been through that should not have been. To have a child so young to be worrying about having a parent with a serious life changing illness. I have to address the issues of my own mortality; but, she as a teen must face the same thing--my mortality and the aspect of being left alone in a world that is so caustic and not understood. Now, things are what they are. She has been doing so many things and her attitude has been so difficult to address and to manage. Now, there is a possible diagnosis of ADD and more.  There is the possibility of dual diagnosis and that prospect is not very good here.  I am tired of all of this.

I know that many things have gotten to me, but this is one of the most. Yes, I have been diffcult for many because they have not understood. But, this is much to much. I am tired. So, because of all that has been going on, I have not been able to make all of my medical appointments. This aggravates me to no end. On Sunday, I was in the ER because of my migraines. When I express to the docs what has been going on, they do not look at me favorably. Yes, I know that I must continue to take care of myself for the sake of myself as well as my child. But, at times that is not all that easy. When I am utterly exhausted from the work day, what am I to do? I cannot quit my jobs; I cannot quite take some time off. I am looking forward to taking some time off. I am looking forwad to having some time to rest and to get reacqainted with my bed and the apartment. But, silly me. The obligations that are coming are just a little more than what I had initially anticipated. When I had called the police on my child, I never anticipated that the obligation would be this intense. I knew that it would get to be a battle; but, I did not anticipate all of this. I had to take a stand and to be sure that I would put a stop to all of what was going on. For some reason, some have never thought that I would be going through all of this. I have had no choice but to take a stand on what I have believed and to take a stand and be an advocate for my child.

I know that I must get over some emotional issues, but I am having the most difficult time with it. I know that I must acknowledge that some things will never change; but, I am such a dead-head about it. I know that the help from my church is just not there. I was told--"you have pushed so many away". I have heard this twice. So, this is the aggravation that I must deal with. "Pushed so many people away". hmmmm. This is an issue that no one can understand except the persons who are in the position of understanding--professionals. I have had to endure much during this past nearly couple of years. How can anyone understand? Am I supposed to just acknowledge everyone and have everyone come through my home like bulls in a china shop? First of all, at the diagnosis, they were not there. During the treatments, they were not there. At the end of the treatments, "wow, that was long wasn't it". So, my attitude is what? People say that they understand, but they have not. Simply, they have not. So, now that I have accepted the fact that they are not there, what do I do now? I have been attending another church. This is a small church, indeed. I am not keen on the idea of another church, but I know that the support that I have not received at the home church is not good. "Have pushed people away". This is something that rings in my ears very much. I will not be able to put that behind me for a bit; I am praying that I can get that done. I am believing that I will be able to understand and to let that go. I want to talk to many, but that would be of little good. They did not udnerstand when I was going through chemo, why would they understand now while I am experiencing the most difficult of my parental abilities now. No, there are so many issues going on. There are so many events that have created difficulties right now. These events are not going to go away any time soon. So, what next? What next? I suppose the assumption that we all have something that we should be doing for another person is always there. There is the assumption that there is always some else available to help out. But the reality of it all is that there is no one else there to help out. I would have loved and still would love to have someone come over and discuss things wtih me. That would be great. I would love for someone to come over and help out with a thing or two. But, that does not happen. So, I must lean upon the LORD for that help. That, of course, is my first point of it all. I must always look to HIM for all things. But, at this point in time, I really have never really had a time where the pressures of life are not so demanding. I have never really had a time in my life where things are just easy going. There is always something going on to be my challenge. This is the next context of my inquiry--why is it that these events never stop coming? Am I a glutton for punishement?

I think of so much that has and still continues to go on. I think about my health care. It has been very frustrating to have to experience this. But, even more so, why am I wasting my time with things that should not be?! Am I wasting my time seeking help where help is not going to be? It is not enough to be just praying. Praying allows us to understand where there is difficulty. Acting upon the WORD is the next thing. We are not to be just hearers of the WORD, but doers of the WORD. When are we going to be figuring that out? Pushing people away. Hmmmmm. This is quite the aggravation.

I am working on many upcoming things and event. But, I am working on overcoming. Keep posted. I do not want to sound enigmatic. I simply want to say that what I have experienced has been nothing shy of stupid. Just STUPID!!!

Looking on. Pressing in. Working diligently.

Thoughts and reflections

No matter what, I do realize that life continues regardless how tired I am. I know that being tired is really part of this every day life, but there are times that I am just more tired than what I would like to be. This week has been incredibly exhausting. I have been to court this week for my kiddo. Yes, and to boot, I have had to put paperwork aside for the entire ordeal. I am getting to the point of getting caught up, but this is rediculous. I am having to put all of my stuff on hold for the issues at hand. My kiddo is taking up a lot of my time. For some reason, she seems to think that smoking marijuana is not wrong. For some reason, there are people out there that believe that smoking marijuana is fine and should not be considered to be sanctionable. First of all, the persons smoking it do not find anything wrong with their behavior because they cannot see the difference in their behavior. Secondly, any behavior can be rationalized away as ok. But, it is not ok. Long term effects are very serious and things should be reconsidered when it comes to it all.

I have been working diligently to keep all of my records straight and to keep my information up to date. This can be a pain in the rump. I am working to make sure that my office is cleaner and my papers are not piling up. This has been one ordeal that keeps me frustrated most of the time. I try diligently to keep my papers organized. One thing about my cancer walk is the incredible amount of mail and information that I must keep track. Since chemo, my memory is slightly changed and I need to stay focused on some things more diligently. I do have to say, though, that this is just slight. Having to be this tired makes a huge difference as well. I work doing so much and try to keep things organized. It is very much so a pain in the rump. Really, a huge pain in the rump. But, I am making it. At least, I feel that I am making it. I look back and cannot believe just how much I have been through and am working feverishly on getting it all done and complete. Staying organized is such an incredible challenge at times. Being a single parent going through these things has been so incredibly challenging. I have so much that needs to be done for me and then for her. I am amazed at just how much I have gotten completed.

But, one important thing that I am looking forward to is getting my insurance back again. I need to get to some medical appointments and looking foward to getting some more information. This information will give me some peace of mind. I look forward to more prayer as well. This has been very important to me. I am looking forward to one of the most exciting things this year as well--the Susan G Koman 3 day! It is 60 miles in 3 days. I can do this. But, in order for me to do that, I must condition myself and train. I am looking forward to that. Not many know that I want to do this and I want to train for it. I have to register for it and get the money ready for the whole thing. I am excited and eager to complete this. This event will be held in Seattle and I will need to be ready, of course. I hope that more will be willing to train with me. It will be exciting and quite exhilerating.

Looking forward. Pushing on. Pressing in.

What to say about what has been said

This last couple of days have been very long and full of so much. Yet, I continue to move on. I have been making a lot of phone calls regarding more support and for me to be able to receive a little more pallitive care. That has been something that has been neglected since the time I was diagnosed. What is palliative care? This is an aspect that all cancer patients must have. Certainly, all persons should have this type of care with respect to any difficult and life changing diagnosis. This is the type of care that is considered holistic and makes care more complete. Since my diagnosis, I have not received any care of the sort. I have been forced to be my everything--physician, heal thyself. This has been something that I have begged for and have not received. I look forward to receiving more care. Something I would love--a massage. Yes, that would be awesome and would help to relax my being; however, I have learned to relax and to identify the areas of my life that need that attention. I have been practicing more exercising and working on my dojo. This has been quite a saviour to me.

I have been wanting to have a dietician. I have learned quite a bit about the meals that I am to eat and to understand what is acceptable and not. During chemo, I learned to eat slowly and not impetuously. Learning to eat foods that my body would handle was so important. Having mouth ulcers made a huge difference. I was sure to drink a lot more water and to continue with my multivitamins and my supplements. I was told that drinking Ovalitine was an incredible help to me and it was one aspect that ensured my health while I was going through the ordeal. When I had met my radiology oncologist, I was told that it was an excellent form of plasma. She was very pleased to hear that I was doing so well and that my numbers were excellent. Excellent nutrition is one aspect of palliative care that was not established from the beginning for me.

Learning what to eat matters significantly. Certainly, eating is so important. Being able to stomach the food is another. Eating slowly and chewing food thoroughly is important. As chemo effects the brain, the response center of the brain that registers how hungry you are changes. Too, chemo can make a person nauseous and can complicate the ability to eat. I was told that some handle it well and others do not. Sure, that makes a lot of sense. I was able to handle it very well. But! I was careful about what I ate, when I ate and how much I ate. Too, taking stomach aids made a vast difference. When my chemo changed, I had to get a stomach aid for the stronger infusion. But! It worked. I drank a lot of water and was very certain to keep a close eye on my output. I watched my uruinary output carefully and paid close attention to the color and odor. I know, what a thing that needed to be watched. But, as my kidneys and liver filtered my body, the chemo was certain to create an irritation to them. I remember that I had finally opened up a Hard Mikes and drank it slowly and carefully. This was my celebration from chemo. I was very careful not to drink the whole thing at one time. I do have to say that it was utterly delicious. Then several months later, I had had a beer. This did not go down very well. my kidneys hurt something terrible and I had been in a whole lot of pain. I have not had a beer since. I am looking forward to a small glass of wine. I was told that wine might be easier on my kidneys. But, I am looking forward to another Hard Mikes. This will work and hopefully will be more satisfying. This will be another celebration from the things that I have been enduring. Another aspect of palliative care--permit yourself a small indulgence.

Exercise. This cannot be emphasized enough. While it is so difficult some days to keep moving forward, exercise seems like the last thing on the list. It must be added. I was able to get some exercise and to complete dojo. I did my stretches and my low and high impact workouts. Although I was in a lot of pain and discomfort from the chemo infusion, I pushed forward. Then I would begin to feel better. The wonderful thing about exercising is that the body does respond to the pain receptors and the stimulus of additional activity. Activity is important to mental and spiritual health as well. When we are beginning to move around, we do feel better about ourselves and the perspective of our predicament and situations changes. No, it is not fun having to go through chemo. However, it is fun to watch others as they look on and cannot understand how it is that you are functioning better than what you were supposed to.

Be kind to yourself. Allow and permit yourself to have whatever a day you want. Then go from there. While the emotional ups and downs are going to come, allow them. They cannot be prevented. The chemo induces menopause in women and the whole aspect of changes and control are out the window. Your paradigm is changed forever. What was such an incredible help to me was my faith. Despite it all, my faith was what has carried me through. I prayed. I listened to music. During the nightmares, I would ask for prayer and believed that I received them and was put at ease that my plight was not just for nothing. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that when we pray our prayers are heard and we have favor with the LORD. Continue to pray.

I listened to a lot of music. I love to listen to harder music/rock/grunge. But! Doing it the Christian style. Yes, I love contemporary as well. I listened to it all. The harder the days, the harder the music. Did I ever love it!!! Yes, I did!!! It was so helpful when I was able to listen and unwind--I did a lot of crying, laughing and listening. I would have loved to be able to get to a concert during that time, but chemo had changed me in ways that I had not expected. Too, when we are in chemo, we are told that we are more apt to become sick from the common cold. I was never a germaphobe before, but during chemo, I became one. Because our immune system is changed, we are more susceptible to germs/viruses that could make us sick. Being in large crowds would not be ok. But! we can certainly have nothing less than a home entertainment center in our own homes. It would be good to have that little added benefit from whatever cable/internet carrier you have to be able to experience a little more fun with the care. Palliative care and the arts!!! that is something that cannot be refuted.

Palliative care! There is so much more to that than what is initially expected. If there is any doubt, be sure to ask about it when you see your oncologist or your regular doc. That is so quintessential to your overall care.

Pushing on. Looking on. Caring on.

Just keep swimming, swimming

I have been on the phone lately with many people. I have had to make several telephone calls regarding my kiddo as well as myself. I am so tired and to express this to many is very important. I was told by G that I should not use this "cancer" as a crutch; rather, I should move along. Well, I have not been using this as a crutch, rather as what it is. It is an avenue for many to understand what has been going on in my life and how it has impacted my family. "Family". I can really see how that is going. "Family". To me, that can be an ugly word and a cuss word. Just the same, I have been on the phone. I have been making many calls about getting some help and to get my health insurance back in order. It seems that it must take several months of on and off to be able to get my health insurance. The paperwork drives me abolutely nuts. There is so much that must go on that I just cannot express and it must get out.

I am tired. I must tell myself, "just keep swimming, swimming". Seems like the little ditty that Dory had sung in Finding Nemo. "Just keep swimming, swimming". That is hard. So, I have been making more phone calls. When I was on the phone this past couple of days, I have noticed just how much I have been through to get to this point. I had to express to one gal associated with the Breast Cancer Awareness through Providence. This is awesome!!! Why didn't I get this at the beginning? I had asked for many things and did not get it. I had asked for a lot of help and did not get it. I had asked for others to help out and to help me with the trek and I did not get any help. Why? Why was it not made available to me? I do not know. But, I hope that I can get answers. I had expressed that I did not get help with a Dietician, Naturopathic Oncologist, someone to talk to, clothes, skin care and the like. For example, I had to be my own everything. I have always leaned more toward the holistic approach for care and healing. So, I was sure to be able to get my multivitamins in me; I drank my ovaltine; dojo; a lot of praise and worship; I cried a lot and was sure to allow my emotions to flow freely. For some, it scared them; but, I did not care. I needed to allow all of this to come forward. I could not and did not want to be bottled up. There was so much that happened and you know what it was.

I did express to the representative that called that I sure wish that I had had some clothes--hats, scarves, warmers, gloves, lap blankets, lotions, and the like to help out with good and quality care. I could have used some footies as well to keep my feet warm and secure. To this day, I wear socks to bed and to keep myself warm. I do not take any chances any more. I love to be warm and cool at the same time. I have already been sick with sinus and ear infections and bronchitis. This has not been fun or attractive.

People look on. People still have no idea what to do to help. They do not ask and they do not want to know. This makes me feel very uncomfortable . But, I do know that I will continue to press forward and to get my donations going and to be sure to keep my outreach going. I want to be sure to promote what healthcare is all about. It is more than just providing the immediate care; it means that you must extend yourself as a human being and offer compassion. This is what I want done for me and this is what I have not gotten. Sure, PM emailed me and we had conversations. That was the extent of that and it was done begrungingly. This is not acceptable. This is not ok and this will not work. I want things to change and I know that this will not change any time soon. That is to the detriment of it all.

Just the same, I am looking forward to 2012. I am looking forward to gaining ground. I am looking forward to the 3-day 60 mile for Susan G Koman Foundation. Wish me luck.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Considering on.

Following up

This past couple of weeks ago, I had had another appointment with my oncologist. We are meeting now once every three months. This, I understand is part of the trek. I am not all that opposed to this. Going in to the building and passing by the infusion center is really something else. However, I did need to get blood-work completed and was ready for them. I had had lots of water to drink as well as had my hands warmed and ready to go. The blood draw was easily done and from there a good sample. My oncologist was very pleased to say that the numbers were excellent and from there we were good to go for another three months. But, I did get the speech from him regarding how my body is not "protected" from all of the hormone shots that I am not getting. So???? What does this mean? I know for certain that it means a lot. Because of all of the stress that has been going on with my kiddo, I have not been able to get to the appointments like I am supposed to. Not to mention, I have no intention of going through the emotional roller-coaster that comes with the hormone shots. I would have to really just live my life out in the back eight-million and not hope to get this again. I am very sensitive to all of the treatments and am not looking forward to it at all. I have expressed to my oncologist that I have been undergoing a lot of stress in the home and this is not at all conducive to any treatments.

Does anyone really understand what it means? I do not think that it really is something that I would like to say. No matter what, I look at all of this through the eyes of someone who has had a very difficult battle with others not helping. I really have to get beyond this, but I am having a difficult time with it. I am working very hard to be sure not to express it all the time. I supposed, I need to teach others. Just the same, when others ask what is going on, I am very careful how to respond. I am not all that excited over the fact that the stress continues. I look forward to some less stressful days and look forward to some more fun and relaxation. I am looking forward to the summer and some good fishing days. Perhaps, some days where I will be getting out and fishing by myself and having some great days out and about. I need to have some quality R and R.

I have been working on my book as well. It is slow coming but I am diligent to get it completed and to get it published. Yes, I have only told a couple people and now it is on the internet. I am working on my book. I am looking forward to publishing more, but I am looking forward to working less and smarter. Still, I am looking forward to getting things caught up and to bless others in the process.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking forward.