Just keep swimming, swimming

I have been on the phone lately with many people. I have had to make several telephone calls regarding my kiddo as well as myself. I am so tired and to express this to many is very important. I was told by G that I should not use this "cancer" as a crutch; rather, I should move along. Well, I have not been using this as a crutch, rather as what it is. It is an avenue for many to understand what has been going on in my life and how it has impacted my family. "Family". I can really see how that is going. "Family". To me, that can be an ugly word and a cuss word. Just the same, I have been on the phone. I have been making many calls about getting some help and to get my health insurance back in order. It seems that it must take several months of on and off to be able to get my health insurance. The paperwork drives me abolutely nuts. There is so much that must go on that I just cannot express and it must get out.

I am tired. I must tell myself, "just keep swimming, swimming". Seems like the little ditty that Dory had sung in Finding Nemo. "Just keep swimming, swimming". That is hard. So, I have been making more phone calls. When I was on the phone this past couple of days, I have noticed just how much I have been through to get to this point. I had to express to one gal associated with the Breast Cancer Awareness through Providence. This is awesome!!! Why didn't I get this at the beginning? I had asked for many things and did not get it. I had asked for a lot of help and did not get it. I had asked for others to help out and to help me with the trek and I did not get any help. Why? Why was it not made available to me? I do not know. But, I hope that I can get answers. I had expressed that I did not get help with a Dietician, Naturopathic Oncologist, someone to talk to, clothes, skin care and the like. For example, I had to be my own everything. I have always leaned more toward the holistic approach for care and healing. So, I was sure to be able to get my multivitamins in me; I drank my ovaltine; dojo; a lot of praise and worship; I cried a lot and was sure to allow my emotions to flow freely. For some, it scared them; but, I did not care. I needed to allow all of this to come forward. I could not and did not want to be bottled up. There was so much that happened and you know what it was.

I did express to the representative that called that I sure wish that I had had some clothes--hats, scarves, warmers, gloves, lap blankets, lotions, and the like to help out with good and quality care. I could have used some footies as well to keep my feet warm and secure. To this day, I wear socks to bed and to keep myself warm. I do not take any chances any more. I love to be warm and cool at the same time. I have already been sick with sinus and ear infections and bronchitis. This has not been fun or attractive.

People look on. People still have no idea what to do to help. They do not ask and they do not want to know. This makes me feel very uncomfortable . But, I do know that I will continue to press forward and to get my donations going and to be sure to keep my outreach going. I want to be sure to promote what healthcare is all about. It is more than just providing the immediate care; it means that you must extend yourself as a human being and offer compassion. This is what I want done for me and this is what I have not gotten. Sure, PM emailed me and we had conversations. That was the extent of that and it was done begrungingly. This is not acceptable. This is not ok and this will not work. I want things to change and I know that this will not change any time soon. That is to the detriment of it all.

Just the same, I am looking forward to 2012. I am looking forward to gaining ground. I am looking forward to the 3-day 60 mile for Susan G Koman Foundation. Wish me luck.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Considering on.