So many times, and again.

There have been so many times that I have just said, "I wish." Perhaps that is an understatement. Perhaps, I should say, "I hope."  This has been a very long and difficult walk this past nearly two years now. I cannot believe that from the time of my diagnosis, it has been nearly two years. Come June of this year, I will have had to worry about cancer for two years. I am amazed at how the time has gone by. When I look at the personal ordeal that this has been, I cannot see the passage of time. But, the time has gone. It did not lapse to something else. I am fixated! So much has happned during this time and it has been so ever present in my life. Yes, the chemo and the radiation are complete, but what it has left me in is another story unto itself. This seems so much like the continuing saga--The Chronicles of Caren. Yea, I have said it once before and now, I am saying it again.

So, I have been told that my health insurance throught the state does not exist anymore. I make too much money. So, I was given paperwork for Medical Disability.  This is not what I was asking for. Yes, I am working. Yes, I am able to work. No, I do not want to quit working. But, I have no health insurance and so, I have to do something to get it. I am not financially able to afford my own health insurance and so, I must figure something out. No health insurance. How comforting!!! I think that every cancer patient should have health insurance. But then again, OBAMA-care would have it that all of us have to pay for very expensive health care without being able to afford anything else. Insurance is not cheap. Then of course, your co-pays and anything else that is to be attached to it would be the same. I am just not sure. So, with this, the long-lasting side-effects are what I need to have constant care for. Too, continuing treatments of hormones or other stuff is the frustrating thing. How do we keep the beast of cancer back without being seen on a regular basis and have those wonderful bloodtests? Hmmm. Yes, prayer to keep things going. And to use wisdom about how I live my life, eat and exercise. Yes, all of that is very important. All very important. Of course, all very important.  I have been concerned and worried; but, I have been very careful not to voice it very much. So, now you know. I am very concerned and worried that my care is interrupted. I make too much money; but, I do not make enough money for health insurance payments. Both my jobs together do not give me enough to earn health insurance or to be able to get to the doc and pay for him/her. Quite frustrating. No health insurance. And this paperwork? I cannot complete it. The questions are asking me as to why I cannot work. When was the last time that I worked and etc. This is not right.

Then, to boot, y kiddo has been doing all kinds of things. There is a warrant out for her arrest for the things that she has been doing. She is on criminal probation and she refuses to comply. I cannot help but to wonder about my breast cancer. No, I do not have cancer now, but what stops me from having the cancer again? Not so sure. But, I know one thing, this is well enough not over. I must have the strength to continue and to be able to endure more to get to the end of the journey and trail. No, I am not saying that it is the end of my life. I am saying for the end of the obligations. I am hoping that I will be able to have health insurance and I must find out what I can do to get it. I am very certain that I must be even far more careful and conscientious with my finances to get that health insurance. OH boy!

What to do; what to say; how to do it; how to say it. I am not disabled! I have to figure some things out.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking beyond.