In this journey

In this journey, many things are expected to pop up. Oh, how they have. How do I tell of all the things that have happened during this time? Since my last posting, my breast has been hurting me. Yes, the pain of this all is coming to the front and the angst of having to repeat all of this has been at my forefront. I had to make another appointment to have another mammogram completed. And what they found was hard to hear, but still very good news. I have fluid building up behind the surgical site and it is creating pressure within my breast. Ok. Everything else is benign. That is good news. But the entire aspect of having to get into the machine again was very difficult. Being touched and squeezed and man-handled again was stressful. But, I did it. I was told that the only way to relieve the pressure of the fluid buildup was to have a needle reduction. The fluid would have to be withdrawn from my breast and it had to be done in the facility. Ok. This is a huge issue for me. I did ask for anesthetic and they did reassure me that this would be completed with anesthetic. When I had had the biopsy, there was no anesthetic. This was enough for me to be overwhelmed. I had cried for the remainder of the night. I had to go to urgent care because of my tension headache and migraine. I have new meds for that now. But, the doc wanted me to be able to get some fluids and to sit there while I was helped. But, I would need to have a ride home. Oh, that was the topper. A ride home. I am a single person with no family here and there are little persons to help out with the ride home. I had to refuse treatment because I had had no ride home. When I had gotten home, I made sure to take some of my other meds and then from there was able to sleep for a while and get a better night sleep. But, the angst of it all was enough. 

So, now my associate pastor DS wants to know more about what I have been through. So, this weekend, I have spent a lot of time looking through information. I hope that the information that I have will be enough to express to him just how I have been feeling. I want him to share it with his wife and others so they can learn. Too, I have printed up stuff for him regarding rape trauma syndrome. This will be interesting reading. I hope that he will be able to get through it. I really do want someone to understand what I have been going through. I really do want someone to understand what I have had to undergo this past couple of years. It really is not horrible.  

I really do want others to understand. I have no intention of being that difficult. But, it is good to have an explanation as to why I am working so hard to have everyone understand what is going on with me.  I want to rest. I want to be able to just put my feet up and know that I am not being pressured into doing things. I want to get past all of this. I really do. But, I do not want to worry about people misunderstanding me. I know that it will happen just the same. 


Looking forward. Seeking more. Expecting much.