Walking along

Well, I clipped my hair again today. I spoke with N tonight and she was asking me when I was going to let my hair grow out. Hmmm. This is something. I do not know. I do not want any of my clients to get the clue that I had had cancer and I have told them that I have psoriasis. Because of chemo, I had some very interesting things happen to my skin. Thank goodness that I am able to be very convincing. I have been very convincing and everyone that I meet in my regular routines are very good to keep my "secret". I love to go to the same grocery store and everyone knows me there. I have a great crew that will keep my privacy. Even though my aggressive treatments are done, does not mean that everything is done. They are so good to me.

So, I am thinking of walking around without my do-rag at church. I know that many people still look at me strangely and I hate the looks. I suppose it is a change from having everyone look at my breasts instead of my face. There are times I want to be just forward and say, "hey! My face is here. Look up!" Well, that is not going to be the issue. It is going to be a matter of everyone just having the time go by and not remember all that has been going on. Yea, like that is going to happen. My breast still hurts time to time and I have been told that the surgical area will hurt for a little while because of the scars. Well, there are times I would love to go up for prayer and see what Pastor would say. "What can I pray for?"  "Geeez, this hurts. Lay your hands on this and make it better". Hmm. Do not think that it will go down all that kool. Oh, well. My sick sense of humor is really doing well these days. I really could use a jump start at times.  In the meantime, I must retain as much of my personality as possible. But, I have to say that the clippers did a great job. I realize that I am doing this without a mirror and it is going to be tricky, but, that is the way it goes. I have been doing this now for several months. It actually looks good. So, will I be able to walk around without my head covering? It has been so long that it would feel very different if I did not wear anything. The last time that I did not wear a covering was in church several weeks ago. I got a lot of looks. I suppose curiosity got the best of many.

Now, in the meantime, I will be looking around and seeing. The summer sun and heat will be coming and my hot flashes are getting stronger and stronger. I am glad about that. Yes, that means that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing. It is supposed to be shutting down and getting ready for the complete change. It is good to do that without the drugs and the chemicals. Nice to know.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Wondering within.