Thinking of things past, present and future

Yes, I am thinking of many things. I have been reminiscing upon the last few months and etc. Yesterday, I was asked about how things were going from someone from church. Many things that I had discussed were very emotionally stirring. I was so tired from the weekend; I have worked straight through. Yes, I am very tired. Usually, when I am this tired, I have to take into consideration that my emotions are very rocky.  I am stressed and I have to recognize when my stress levels are at the highest.  

When I had shared with ES, I regret the share. I have been told many things, but yesterday, I was told that I should be careful about a pity party. I do not ever think that it is what I have been experiencing. I have experienced some of the most horrific things in my home and when I have expressed to this person all of these events, I have been told not to have a spirit of self pity and have a pity party. Hmmm. I get a little upset at the fact that when others want to know what is going on, that I share and stupid comments are left my way. I simply do not understand what others say and how they can feel comfortable with themselves about it. I realize that I have said my own share of things, but I know that I have learned from them and learn to be a little more compassionate. Some things should not be said but should be left alone.

I do understand that the past couple of years have been very difficult. It is hard for me to accept "I love you". I simply do not want to hear it. Love has an accountability that Scripture says we are to do. If I say that I love you, then I must put some effort into it to express what needs to be done. I will show up tired, frustrated and eager to work. Will you? Are you willing to do what is right before the LORD or even your fellow man? Will you stand at the door and fight off the horrors that may come? Will you offer your life for your loved ones? I did. I went to chemo to fight for my life and it is left to mockery. 

I have to say, the upcoming months are going to be grueling as well. I have more procedures coming up and I have to be prepared for them all. I have a lot of medical appointments coming up and I need to be ready for it all. I can do this. I have a choice, and I am choosing well.  I hope that you choose well.

Pushing in. Pressing forward. Seeking choices.