In a matter of a few days, I will be having yet another procedure. I am not liking the prospects of another procedure; however, it is necessary. For the most part, my breast looks very good. However, I have some fluid building up behind the scar. The doc wanted to know if I had hit it or been bruised or what. I have no idea. It is entirely possible that I have bruised it at work and cannot explain what I did. Just the same, I have to go and have the fluid drawn out. So, on Friday, I will be having this done. When I was told this, I was struck with panic and memories of when I had had the biopsy completed. I had not been given any anesthetic for the procedure. No, I did not opt for that. I was told that it "was going to be just a little longer". Yea, and so the pain continues, doc? I told the Breast Cancer Coordinator that I would not have the procedure done unless they had anesthetic to prepare me for it. She was amazed that I would ever opt to have a procedure without pain reliever. I had told her that I had not opted for that. It just happened and I am forever now suspect when it comes to medical procedures done. She said that I would be able to let them know if my pain changed and from there be able to communicate my needs. I hope so!!!
So, because of the procedure, I have had to reschedule the "family counseling" for another day. I have rescheduled and from there the kiddo, counselor and myself will be meeting. I do not want the kiddo finding out what has been going on; simply, I have never ever thought to remotely have the assumption that I would be manipulating the situation regarding my health and welfare so that the kiddo might be persuaded to not do something. That would be unbelievably horrible. That I would not do. This has been difficult enough, but to include our children in the whole thing? We have to be very certain about how much they know and to what extent they would carry any responsibility if any. This has been difficult, but not impossible. To look back, in retrospect, it is very good to see that I remained unchanged in my promise. The kiddo had never come to any of my chemos. I am glad. It was impossible for anyone to come to the radiation. I am glad. This is not something that was easy to handle. In many ways, it was worse than chemo. But, it was something that I had completed and I am proud to say that I had no compromise. But, it was lonely. I had no other choice. I am here today because of that desire and dedication to keep pressing forward. I suggest that you do too.
Pressing in. Pushing forward. Dedicated to.
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