The countdown begins. In a matter of a few hours, I will be sitting before the Judge to explain matters. No, I have not done anything wrong. I had paperwork that was not complete and for the most part, I have to provide that. I have. I have made multiple phone calls and faxes to the important people and they have been able to find what was lost and needed to be provided. When I had first inquired, the files were not found. But, when I had faxed over what I had in my files, it was a completely different story. The files needed to be located and from that point, they were found. I am very blessed about that. But, the matter at hand will not end there. It will be up to the court to determine if they want to get more information than what I initially have. At least, I will not have to pay for it. It will be the burden of the court to determine what will be next.
It does seem like it is a gambit. I seem to be needing to run the entire race before I can get any type of action. If it is not one thing, it is another. I have a choice to make and I have to really consider this very hard to determine what is the best outcome. I must choose if it is best in the interest of my child to return back to the home or for the child to remain out in services. A couple of days ago, I was told some very difficult things. I met a young "man" who has been one of my kiddo's associate in the forray of her drugs and alcohol. Oh, by the way, did I say what the mess was about? Yes, she has been doing many things. I have had to call her in as a runaway for the past 10 months or so. There have been so many days where I have had to call her in as a runaway. The longest she was gone was two weeks. Then she was arrested. Then she spent a week in Juvie and then off to a half-way house. So, now she is with a "friend" who will be keeping an eye on her. So very interesting though--no one has been around and so I have been highly suspect of what her motives have been. This is very difficult. Why would someone who was not there during the ordeal want to be here now? Should I accept this effort now and accept it as something that really is merely what it is? This torments me.
This is just part of the gauntlet. Sometimes I would love to have a "throw-down" but it does not happen. I would love to be satisfied with some answers but they do not come. I would love to see the end of this tunnel, but it does not come. It seems that the gauntlet continues.
So, with all of that in mind, the kiddo will be needing to go through a lot of stuff. She will be needing to complete many assessments and to continue to seek after her own wellness. There is nothing worse than being a teenage substance abuser and alcoholic. This has hurt me deeply. The things that have been said to me from her have been deeply injurious and I must understand that they have been said through the influence of these substances. It really amazes me. And grown-ups want to have this as part of their lives? I was offered medical marijuana but I refused. I refused because I am not a hypocrite and will not take elicit drugs to make me feel better. I cannot imagine anyone else in such pain and that nothing can stop the pain otherwise. I cannot understand using such garbage to make themselves feel better. Then again, no one can understand the course of breast cancer. I was lucky and very blessed. Others have not been. I have lost several people to cancer. One day, it will be my time and I hope that those who love me will be there to witness me leave this life. In the meantime, I certainly hope that it will not be this person. Then again, I can imagine her saying "But, I have taken care of your daughter and this is the thanks that I get?" Well, I wonder. Really, I do. I wonder all the time. When we say, "I care", do we really? One of my best friends was so irate when I had expressed to him what all the details were about. This was last weekend. I had told him about all that was going on and that I was waiting on key faxes for the court. I was expressing to him that I was heavily weighing the option of allowing my kiddo to remain out of the home. There are so many things that I wanted to express and did my best to convey my thoughts. How am I doing? Do you understand me so far? Yea...he did.
So, this means that the kiddo will be out of the home throughout the holidays and possibly back to the home next year. But, I might decide that she become emancipated. She must learn a lesson. She decided to venture out and get stoned and wasted. In the same aspect, someone might say that the addiction was just too much and she really had no choice. Perhaps. But, the choice must remain hers. She decided. So, natural consequences are that she must do the time. Too, she will have all those wonderful medical appointments that she has never wanted. She has had sexual relations with almost everyone. What part of that do I not like? All of it!! When a woman becomes sexually active, she must begin her lifelone career of pelvic exams. Yea. The wonderful pelvic exam. She will have no other alternative to have them. She will fight them. Afterall, it was fun having the sex, then it will be fun being able to have the medical appointments to make sure that she is healthy and cared for.
Now, with this going on, I will be able to concentrate on my medical appointments. I have been hot flashing!! Yes, I have been hot flashing all on my own. This is good news because that means that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing naturally without any assistance from any medication. But, I do remember that when I would have hot flashes, I would have more headaches. I will be keeping a log about all of this and determining what the triggers are. I hate these things; but, I hate being sick even more.
I have been working on exercising more as well. It is a very good thing to be working out and to be getting focused on things that are healthy. I want so much to be able to do the Susan G Koman this year. But, it is not possible to get that done. I will be working on training just the same. To stay alert and healthy, I have been stretching and working. Ah, I purchased Richard Simmons! Yes, because of chemo, my body is a little bit more sore and tight and I have been working diligently to keep myself stretched and limber. It really is the best way. Too, the past several weeks of stress has been so difficult to my body. I have to keep a close eye. Yes, I know--always keeping a close eye. But, we have to now because of the post chemo life.
Looking. Seeking. Not sure I want things to be found.
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