And so ... it continues

So, today is another day. I woke up to a stuffy, sore, crusty nose. I have to be very careful about how I touch it and blow it. But, I am working hard at turning the heat off, opening the windows and getting some moisture back into the apartment. Too, I am tired of just so much and I want to get the feeling of being on top and in control again. I feel that I am held hostage by this body and that if I do anything, I risk getting sick or injured. I hate this feeling. I do not feel like a vibrant woman; rather, I feel like a shell of a person just waiting for something else to happen. I do not want anything else to happen. My shoulders, hands and wrists are sore and that just lets me know that I need to rest some.

I am back to cleaning everything again and back to the same full schedule. I am tired, but I have little recourse as to my obligations. I look around and see all the work that needs to be gotten done and the time that I do not have to obligate myself to them. But, I know that it is one pile at a time. It is not as bad as it looks, but the mess is creating undue anxiety. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Yes, I know that it has.

I cannot wait for summer. I cannot wait to be able to have long, fun filled days of getting out and about without issue or cause. Yes, I know that I cannot play any sports or participate in anything that might create bodily injury to me. Ha! Just doing housework is enough for that. Caution to the wind, full brass to the walls! (yea, have to keep it clean).

What next?

Pressing on. Pushing on. Guessing on.

Starting the new week

Well, this is just starting to get to me. My nose is really irritated, raw and bleeding. Not to mention, it is sore to the touch. So, I have been crying and this hurts more to cry and blow my nose than it is to just breathe. I boiled a gallon of water to help return moisture back to the air; I included some salt for retention and make it more saline. I will have to keep a pot of water on the stove for this duration.

My hands are raw and sore and I wore my braces to bed again last night. I think that I am done! Not that I have a choice. I get to look forward to two more months of this daily torture and mayhem. Can it start raining again anytime soon? That moisture we take for granted! Oh, please let it rain!

So, Saturday is going to be my Aunt's memorial. And too, my client's mother's anniversary of her death is the same day. OH YEA! So, who is going to hold my hand in all of this? I am so excited about being a bloomin' mess! Let's sell tickets! And all that crying and my nose? OH, LORD have mercy!

Paperwork this week and I hope to get it all done on time. I have a lot of it and I need to get it started for insurance and for everything else. One of the ladies at church had offered to help out with things at my home. Where to start? I got it! Let's put on some Thousand Foot Krutch/PETRA, crank the music so no one can hear me scream and then from there, put on a happy face! Nah, anyone who knows me will not believe that--or! maybe they might. Ready, set go!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Peeving on!

Thises and thats

So, this is how it is. I have started a second aspect of the blog to address the rape and the sexual assault. The "things" that I have mentioned time and again are being addressed accordingly. This is not going to be easy for me and I know that I will not want to discuss many of these issues; however, it is necessary.

Today I have been experiencing a lot of pain as well. My shoulders hurt, my left breast area has hurt; my hands are raw; my nose is sore, raw and bloody; and my lips are dry. The heat that I keep on for warmth has been wreaking mayhem on my body. I need to keep warm because I am cold all the time from chemo now. But this heat is messing me up. I usually do not need the heat at all; but this year with chemo has been nothing shy of uncomfortable. I am not happy and am trying to keep my life in a good balance. I am working hard on that. There are days that I am not all that successful. I am praying.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Balancing on.

Things hidden

Today was a very interesting day. So much has happened today that I do not want to leave out any details. I worked all day and it was awesome. I am very tired and my stomach feels like I have been punched hard. But, I was very sure to get a deli sandwich and eat it! And it was awesome! Including the onions!! I love the veggie paninis with the Havarti cheese. It is a nice touch. So, I finished off a bottle of cranberry juice as well. It was slow, but I got it done. My mouth is sore and eaten up by the chemo and I have to be careful about temperature when eating. Everything cool is great. I have to wait for my coffee to cool to be able to enjoy it. Boy! It is nice though.

So, made a huge mistake today. While at client number two's house, I took off my jacket and my client asked what happened to my arm. I hate that I did not think ahead and just roll my sleeves some. I do not want people to see my bruises from my chemo treatments. I have always believed that my body should remain unmarked and clean. Medical treatments are different. Being told that I will have a tattoo on my body from radiation is enough for me. But, quickly, I did express that a client injured me--LORD, forgive me for lying. She noticed my hands as well. They are so tore up from washing and the side effects of chemo. They look like hamburger--raw, irritated and red. I wear my fingerless gloves to hide my redness and have to take them off when I am at work providing service. Arg! Things will improve, I know. If the disease does not kill me, the cure will!

I had to buy balm for my lips and my nose as well. I am red, raw and bleeding in my nasal passages. A combination of this weather and the side effects of chemo are driving me batty! But, having to remember, that this is only for a short time.

So, then two of the other gals and I had a great time of fellowship. We prayed, we had conversation and we encouraged one another. It is good to give encouragement. These emotions came welling up again; they are just what I do not need. I have been thinking of my Aunt and how it has been angering that I cannot travel anywhere until this whole ordeal is done. Then just the emotions of yesteryear. Should I or should I not share? I know that it happened a long, long time ago but these things rear their ugly head. It is something that just is not forgotten--no matter how hard it is buried. Buried, but not dead. Insecure? Perhaps. Irate? Yes. Mending? Slowly. Comfortable? No. Silent? Yes. I cannot believe this at times. Amazing how the sting just comes back to haunt. But, it will be ok.

My body is going through changes and I do not like them. I miss my family and I cannot do anything about it. These emotions are rolling around and I cannot stop them. I feel helpless and just at the beck and call of whatever is going on. They seem to rule me and it does not help me at all. Again, share? Fear, judgment, chastisement, lack of respect, indignance--they are all there. Sometimes the battle is just the beginning, and sometimes the battle is just the thing that stirs things up. I am stirred up and need to get into battle. I am tired and I am going to win.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Battling on.

Thanksgiving Day!

I have had a stunning day! I was able to eat more than what I had expected to eat. I was prepared to not eat anything what I was hoping. Some things are still very sensitive. I cannot eat chocolate. I know that for certain. Some spices are great and I can eat salsa! Gotta love salsa! But, I have to train my stomach with some foods. That does not bother me at all. I still have to eat carefully. It is tiring to eat and then resting after that. I did end up taking a nap after and that was very refreshing. But, I do know that my day has been full and I am very tired from it. I am very thankful for this all.

I have noticed that I am drying out more. I need to have more lotion and to be very careful to look for skin breakdowns. I am using good lotion and wearing my gloves after. My hands are all dried and cracked and my nose is dry and nasal passage dry and a little bloody. I will have to keep water going on the burner for humidity.

All in all, I am very thankful. Looking forward to Sunday service and to just enjoy. I wish there were more services.

Pushing on. Pressing on. WHA!

Enter the Holidays

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am not sure how I am going to be able to handle the meals. I was given a basket and I donated it out. There is no way that I am going to be able to eat all of that food as well as to keep it in my home without being sick. So, I know that Geoff's family will be able to eat that. There are three boys and his mom and that will be more important to me. Just walking through the grocery store can be more than a chore. I have to tell myself--stay focused and head for the food you need. I look at the sandwiches in the deli and long to have one with jalepenos! I am looking forward to some Thai! I will press on with that one! So, I got a trusty turkey and cream cheese bagel, cranberry juice, and two oatmeal cookies (one that I shared with my client). It is so nice to spend time with the client because there is no knowledge of how I am feeling. I am free to be just who I am and not worry. There are days when I could fall asleep while she is talking to me, but I hold my own. I love it when I have to recall a conversation and she says "did you hear what I said?" sure! "bla bla bla" Ha! I was right! Too, the smells of her home are kool! No worries of being "physically compromised!" But, I do have to keep my sleeves rolled down so she does not see my "war wounds". She would be very upset to see those and to figure out what they were from? I hope not!

So the weekend will be coming and I will be working throughout. This is refreshing, but I am tired. It will be good to just sleep. Sleep is so nice these days. I am remembering to take some pain reliever before I go to bed and things will be good sleeping. Mimi loves it when I am asleep too. She walks all over me, bathes me and purrs loudly! Ha, betcha she does not realize. I am so loved! Well, at least by the furbabies. I feel so loved and beautiful!

Now, to get past the holidays and the smells. I have my running shoes!

The furbabies

I am very curious as well. My little Mimi cat has been very clingy to me lately. This appears to be bothering her just as much. I have cried and her little meows have changed. A couple nights ago, I woke up to all stretched out and she curled up on my armpit--the surgical armpit! I really do not get it. I know that our furry children get emotional as well. Bless the little furbabies.

More than just existing

This is now almost a week after the chemo and I am just feeling incredible--in many ways. I am also finding that it is very exhausting eating. Who'da thunk how exhausting it is to eat? Well, I made a nice veggie dish and eating it slowly and nibbling on it. My stomach feels as though I have been doing hundreds of sit-ups without break. I am very tired but that is ok. Before I went to bed last night, I decided to take some pain reliever. That was a great idea! I woke up at about 5:30 am and was ready for the day. That was awesome! I went to bed at almost midnight last night after working on many things and got up at a decent hour. I prayed and relaxed last night and just was happy to be able to relax. While I am listening to Tenth Avenue North, I do believe that some of these chains have been broken. Yes, I still feel many emotions, but I have been set free! I am still some upset and angry about the cancer treatment, but not as much. This resolution comes with a lot of work. I am looking forward to more things completed.

I spoke with my little cousin about my Aunt's memorial. I do not like that I have missed things, but it is just for a short time. Summer will come soon enough and I will be able to travel and see everyone. I am so excited about that! That is my goal! To be able to see the doc and have it said that my last treatment will be on X date and then I will be free to travel in the fall. I am excited.

I am tired of crying. I am DONE! Emotions do not have me anymore. It is time to batten down the hatches! I am moving forward. I am tired of people looking at me as though things are just "pitiful" or other. I am going to press onward to my goal! My life has changed and I will work out my salvation with fear and trembling! GOD IS GOOD!

Pressing on! Pushing on! Peeving on!

Waking times

Well, this happened again. I woke up early in the morning to a lot of pains in my legs and my feet. I am getting tired of not getting the full night sleep that I need to mend. But, I am working on a new resolve. I am so tired of feeling like a whimpy, lack-sa-daisy woman. This journey feels so long, but now, it has just hit me! I am angry! I am angry at myself for feeling so helpless and so bewildered. This is a different path for me and a different way of living. I need to lean on others to help me but to understand that I am not a "young woman" anymore; I am working into a season of my life that requires me to live relentlessly on my skills and abilities but not on my physical strength as I used to. I am a whole, beautiful woman and the treatments that I am working on are just a way to ensure that I continue with that.

I am pressing on. I am pushing on. I am a juggernaut!

Back to work

Well, today I returned back to work from chemo. It felt absolutely wonderful! Then, I went to church and helped to set up for Sunday service. Although this is only a few hours, it really felt awesome! I enjoy being physically active and I have to understand that I have limitations. That really sucks--I have a lot of adjustments to make without a lot of people knowing. I have to make it look good--or do I? I am usually a private person and do not like a whole lot of people to know what is going on. I did have a lot of fun though messing with one of the other gals. I really have to watch myself because it can be just so much fun to really razz. I know, Caren be good. Oh, I am! With so much fun to be had, I had better really keep my claws in. Poor Jaymie did not have a clue. Pastor says to "share"! Ha! Oh, this can be a whole lot of fun. How much do I want to share with them, fun wise, that is? Oh, this can be fun. Last weekend, I put in a 54 hour weekend and really did not bat that much. Then again, last weekend was very difficult and had to just get through. Now, with the steroids, I am not getting a lot of sleep. I will have 5 more treatments to go with the steroids on board and no sleep. Oh, I have better get ready. I feel like Joker on Batman--"wait til they get a hold of me". Hahaha.

But the idea of chemo is getting easier. I know that this has been freaking me out. I have 5 more treatments left and then I will have 33 treatments of radiation. I can do this! This is hard but it will come and go. I have to be prepared mentally, and physically.

Pressing on!

Insomnia

Well, I cannot sleep right now. I am experiencing insomnia from the steroids that were given to me for the procedure. First I was cold and could not get warm, so I got up, got my jacket, pants and socks and crawled back under my comforters. Of course, turned the heat up some and then fell asleep for a couple of hours.

I was on the phone earlier this evening and had a meltdown. Oh, I am getting tired of all this crap. "how are you doing"? How the bleep do you think I am doing. Dealing with cancer, chemo, a 14 year old, my Aunt passing away, working like a dog, have to keep the house clean, smiling and making it look good for those who are in denial about what is going on--arg! How am I supposed to be feeling. Have I mentioned that this just sucks?!!?!!

It never ceases to astound me.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Peeving more people on!

The first day of chemo

Well, today was the first day. I had no idea what to expect. I was correct about some things, but some things I had to be educated about. The treatment did not hurt, but the needle sure did. I was wondering about the medicine burning while I was getting the IV. It did not. When I was in the ER for the migraine, the medicine in the IV burned. I cannot handle painful treatments at this time. I hate the needles more and more and now; I have to offer the arm that has the bad veins for injection. Some of these nurses are getting to "dig for gold" and that is very painful. "Oh, I can get it dear". Yea, I have heard that many times. But, I have been told that there are things that just are not going to be the same. My left arm is off limits to many things and as a proud woman who is physically strong, this will be different. I will have to look at the work that I normally do and cannot carry heavy things.

I have five more treatments to go. If they are like this treatment, then it will go really well. I hope and pray that this will be. I am scared some and realize that all of this is in the hands of my LORD--Elohim!
Pressing on!

Who'da guess

Well, after a very long weekend, I got to work. Yes, having the flu and getting ready for work is just not my idea of fun. I had to take two days off because the little one was hitting the high notes with the "porcelain god". When I got to work, my dementia patient had the sweetest words for me--"hello beautiful". I cannot tell you how awesome that made me feel. While I do not share some of my feelings with others, others do know some of my feelings. This was the best gift today that I could ever get. I have my highs and my lows and from there some in-betweens. Why should I feel so? I am a straightforward kind of person. I would think that emotional roller-coasters should be left for the experienced. I am not. I hate my rocky emotions at times. I see the looks from others and feel that I need to provide a reason for the emotions. Duh! Emotional woman, news flash! Chill! Breathe! Let it out! It is not ok to hold it in. I have found out lately that I have been holding it in and that means a lot of trouble. I spent the day yesterday sparring, breathing, praying, concentrating, laughing and attempting to sleep. I could not eat much before the feelings of being nauseous came back. But hay! Tonight I get to take some pills for the chemo. Oh, am I just full of the big time! I have to keep myself anchored. I want to work more than ever. I do not want to run, but I sure would love to. Hard, long and fast! Hard, long and fast.

I will get through this. I will continue to press on. All things work for good for those who love the LORD. Pressing on.

So it comes to this

I have been told that the second surgery was excellent. Of course, I am mending quite well and that the median cells removed from the breast were clear!!! I am so excited about that. Now, the next hard journey for the next several months will be Chemotherapy and Radiation Therapy. I am not entirely sure how this will work out with the feelings and to be connected to more medication. Some people are just heros--they can handle needles and IVs and all of that. I used to be able to handle almost anything, but I really have to restate that! I just want to run for the hills when I see the equipment. But, I have to be strong and persevere.

I had a chance to chat with Dr. --- about my comfort level. That was good to be reassured. However, I am still having great issues about being touched. Some days I feel like I could just knock someone out. I almost can feel the breathe on the back of my neck and then want to run for the hills. Sounds a little childish, but that is how I feel. I have to set my feet deep and just remain. I do not know how much longer that will last but I know that I must strive to overcome that feeling. Maybe I should get a t-shirt with the Dirty Hairy theme--"Go ahead, make my day!!" That might have an intriguing aftereffect. Would a green she-hulk shirt work? I have six months of this coming up and then radiation. I can do this?!?

This has certainly been a journey. I am tired and I have been tried by many. I swear, if anyone else asks how I am doing, I am going to lie and tell them something. Or, maybe, really share and let them weigh it out for themselves. I get the looks at the boobs too--that really gets me when I follow the eyes and then they rest on the boobs. What? Is something wrong? Did I not get the prosthesis in right? Hold on! I will get it! Ah, much better. Would that appease everyone? Gee thanks for telling me that my boobs are lopsided. I think I am compensating for being frustrated at the issues. Oh well. Chocolat!

Do you think a water balloon would have the same effect? Hmmm touch it, you tell me?

Would surprise them that I do not have a prosthesis. Pressing on to the goal. Pressing in. Pressing! Hit the button already.

The next step

Today, I had my appointment with my oncologist. I was dreading talking to him and discussing with him what I needed to. I think that I caught him off guard with what I had to say. He thought it was something that he had done and I had to reassure him that I have a history of sexual assault and that it was not by anything that he had done; rather, it was because I had been through a traumatic event and that it is possible that PTSD does effect me. Wow, to say it makes a big difference. So, this is what I need to work on.

Dr. --- told me that I will be starting my chemo next week. My very first experience with this and it will be before Thanksgiving. I should not have any trouble with this and this is awesome! I do not know what to expect and this is something that will be an interesting experience. I will have a chemo class on Monday and I am hoping that Garrett will be able to come along. I was wondering about the kiddo. I am loosing my objectivity and need to get my input from the ones that I trust. I have to entrust that their decisions are very good. This is a huge responsibility. When we are not able to make good decisions, we must be able to know where our help comes from. I am very thankful for this. But others--why is it that I am bothered by some people? Why should I make that much of a great concern?

The look on Dr. ---'s face was good. I must remember to send him a thank you card for a great deed. I remember years ago when I had addressed this with a nurse before a pelvic exam, I was told that the doctor was not going to perform anything sexual. Wow! I did express this to the doc today and I do not know if he has ever had any patient that needed to discuss this. I hope that he is ok. I know that I am and am not ok. This is supposed to get easier as it goes along but it does not. I feel a little lonely and aggravated at the same breath.

I look forward to chatting with my Pastor again. I hope that he does not mind my discussions. It is hard to look him in the eye when I do discuss these things. I have felt a lot of humiliation from an event that happened a long, long time ago.

I will continue to press on. I am pressing on. Pressing on.

Reaching deep down

I had a very interesting night last night. I did a lot of reflecting upon the things that I had spoken about. I wonder--what do I need to validate? Do I need to validate my feelings and thoughts? I have to say that this is far more scarier than anything. My thoughts and feelings are going to be more out in the open and I will have a greater responsibility to address them. My thoughts ran rampant last night.

One thing, in particular, was my capacity to love. What do people see when I choose to live a little more stoic day? I have never been a person to wear my emotions on my sleeves and with the work that I do, I cannot allow emotion to overrun or rule me. But, what do people see? What range of emotions should I display? And for whose purpose do these emotions get displayed? Tough questions that I will be answering them along the way. Aren't my emotions mine? Or, what?

Do I display my emotions so that others can feel good about themselves that they stirred significant emotion from me? I have always been told to keep my emotions in check and professionalism tells me that I am to keep my emotions in check. But! this is a different game altogether. My emotions are really in a turmoil over this whole mess. I feel insecure, frustrated at that capacity, upset that others do not understand me and then I get frustrated that I do not need to validate my emotions for anyone. This is really confusing me about how I have been feeling. I know that I should allow my feelings to be completely free to be expressed, but when these emotions are coming and no one seems to be comfortable with them, then what? Is it my fault?

I seem to feel emotional regurgitation. This is frustrating. The Cancer Resource Center tells me that it is ok to feel these emotions. But, not everyone reads this material and do not understand the range.

When I spoke to my Pastor yesterday, I had left the conversation with shakes and shivers. Although this is something that needs to be discussed, it put me into shock. This I did not anticipate. I wonder how many more times this will happen. Then I began feeling more shame and frustration about my feelings. I know that I should not feel shame, but I do. I thought that it was long buried; I guess not. Some emotions are more destructive than others. I am pressing on. Must continue to press on. Pressing on!

Sharing

Well, I did it. But, wow, not I have a huge responsibility to continue to share and press on. We all expect to be vulnerable at times but this is a little overwhelming. I try very carefully to word things well and concisely. Today, I shared with my Pastor the history of my rape. Being examined by so many doctors and feeling "exposed" has left me with feelings that I did not want to surface. I have always been willing to address this but now, the emotions are coming forward and they cannot be suppressed. It is not good to suppress these emotions. For a healthy recovery, I am eager to discuss anything. I will have more days of crying ahead and to be expected. The feelings of insecurity are going to surface and to be quite overwhelming. It will be ok. I know that it will. Pressing on.

I am tired

Well, I was in the ER last night with a migraine that was not going to let up. I ended up having an IV with fluids to help. I do not know what was worse--the migraine or the IV solution that was being injected. Just the same, things are much better. I am at the tail end of the migraine and I am very, very tired. I had to clean the apartment as well. Smells are getting to me so bad. But, I have to keep pressing on. This week, I hope to advertise the kittens (now 12 weeks old) and mature enough to be adopted out. I look forward to getting them new homes.

Pressing on!

Sweet Surrender

So, I have been relaxing today. I am very tired from everything. I am looking forward to being able to just close my eyes and to have no worries or anxieties for the day or upcoming day. It is even better to know that my emotions are the same for any other person who has been diagnosed with this illness. I have never been afraid to say the word; however! I am going to relax and have fun with others about this. Watch what you say! I might be the one to put you in a fun place!

Support

Well, this week has been long and hard. I have had an additional surgery and I did very well; however, the anti-nausea medication that was injected into my IV did make me sick. This week all that could break loose did. What I really do not care for is the lack of support that I have gotten. I was told that perhaps that because I am such a [physically and emotionally] strong person, I do not look like I need the support. I do. I suppose that there are many who think that my daughter is helping me out and giving me the necessary support that I need. On the contrary, this has not been the case. This has been quite infuriating.

My emotions have been very tumultuous. I do not think that there are those that completely understand just how much this has bothered me. So I have asked: why is it that no one comes over? Why is it that no one calls? Why is it that I get the looks from people as though things are very different and strange? I do not know. I have been told that it is possible that it is because of fear. That explains a lot of things. But! It is very unkind.

So, now this is where I stand. I had some words, again, with my pastor. I love my church, but I am not in the arena to be guessing about what is available if someone can come over for help and things. I am tired and I need some human contact and conversation. This is difficult.

I had my appointment today with Radiant Care. I will be going to Chemotherapy first before I go to radiation treatment. So, this will be a total of 3 months with one and then with the other about 33 treatments. Oh, how much fun!

I am going to have many difficult days ahead of me and this is why. Until next time.