It's just a stretch of the legs

Well, it has been some time since I have posted last. There have been a lot of things happening that have kept me busy and not able to post. I am sure that many of you have been wondering "where is this girl"? Well, here I am back at it and this is now just a stretch of the legs.

I was re-diagnosed in May of 2014. While looking back at the postings, I can see just how much of a stretch it has been. I have been through a lot of doctors' offices and one thing that was so important was to fire the old doctor. I have a new one and he is pretty green around the ears, but he is also a good doctor. I really make my worth!

It has been over two years now since the diagnosis, and like the first time around, it seems like it was just yesterday. In some ways, it sure is. I get to have multiple blood draws; multiple CT scans, a lot of medical office visits and a lot more troubles with medical staff than I would really like to say. But, in the short and tall of it, I am in remission. That is a fantastic word to say. REMISSION!

More to share later. I am one tired woman and I am looking forward to sharing more.
What new things have I been up too? How is this different from the last one? Well, I did not have to do chemo. That will never happen again!

We say!?!

Looking out. Looking in. Listening loudly.

My long days that seem to continue

The days are long again. I have had strength enough to just get up and get the basics done. I am tired. I have had a migraine again for a week now and it has been exhausting me more than what I would even like to admit. I have been told that I am a strong woman; but, I do not feel like it. I go to work with this and no one knows how much I am tired and cannot endure much more. Yesterday, I drove to the airport when I had no strength in me to do it. But, I did it. I am not sure if I can do the return trip to pick the person up. This exhausted me more than I could say. 

The time that I need to devout to homework is dwindling and I am frustrated once again. I have been able to get accommodations from the school to get my homework in late so that I would not lose points. But, this term, I have a professor who does not recognize what that accommodation is and has embarrassed me in front of the whole class. This point, I am uncertain about the remainder of the term. I have been working hard to get this far and it seems that the harder that I push, the harder it gets. The migraines that I get since  chemo are just, at times, more than I have ever imagined. But, I have to keep going. I am looking forward to more. I am looking forward to the day that I have some more rest and I do not have to answer the phone. 

My bills are catching up with me as well. I am one month behind in everything and catching up is going to cost me more in the long run. I am working diligently on all of my things and finances. I am working hard on getting all of this done. It looks like this month I will be needing to beg for money for my rent. I hate having to do that but it is what I will be needing to do. 

I need not to be stressed. It does not help when I am that stressed. This type of stress only exacerbates me. I need to be working on my exercises. I hate being home and I hate being around the place. After everything that has been going on, I just do not find my home a place of solace. I do look forward to better days. 

The new church that I have been attending has been good. It helps out a lot and I am supposed to get a support phone call from one of the ladies from church. But,  that has not happened yet. I have  spoken to PJ (yea, another one of those) and he says that he has already reminded the gal. I wonder. I am not going to worry. My head hurts from the constant pain. My everything has  been so hard lately. I look forward to being able  to just relax and to not have everything bother me so much. If my head did not hurt as much, then I would be able to be in a better mood. I am looking forward. It will be good. 

Looking forward. Always hoping. Seeking solace. 

Walking in a dust storm

I have been walking in a dust storm with so much more being tossed up in my eyes. I was at the doc's office again for some more things. Yes, complaints are always there. Since the beginning of the year, I  have had the worst time with the flu and related things. I had had ear problems, bronchitis, migraines and the like. But, the ear troubles are what are bothering me the most. Despite pain reliever and the like, I have had the most frustrating of times. At times, my side of my jaw, my face, my neck and throat that has been hurting me. When I drink cold or hot beverages, I can feel it in my throat as well as in my ear. Today, eating dinner, I could tell how much it hurt by just drinking some hot coffee. So, the next procedure that will be done will be a scope up my nose and down the back of my throat. This is not going to be a whole lot of fun. I am not looking forward to this. When I had asked the doc what he had thought, he was uncertain about what it was; but, I think that he suspects what it might be. He wanted to do this procedure in the office right then, but I did not want it completed. I had to explain to him that things are so much more different after chemo. I am redefined. I had told him about the last time that I had taken the car through the drive through to get washed. I was more claustrophobic than usual. I had to put the air conditioner on and turn the music up more to help with the anxiety. Now? I take a little anxiety meds prior to a procedure. When I had expressed this to the doc and asked if he got it, he sure did. That is so comforting to know that someone else understands what it means to be a little different after chemo.

In the lighter side of the storm, the kiddo is now in foster care until 18. All is quiet on this side of the world. More to share on another day.

Needing water.

Gearing up ... working toward

I am so tired and frustrated. It seems that there is always something going on. I have been reading through my blogs to see the progression of things and I am amazed at just all the events that have been going on. Do you believe it? When I hear that someone has been diagnosed with breast cancer, I get really upset. Yes, it is very tragic to be diagnosed with anything. Breast cancer is just a small portion of the diagnoses out there. I am looking back at the past several years and see just how difficult the days have been. I get up in the morning and try to keep focused on the day. I set a goal on what I want to avoid and accomplish at the same time. Odd I should keep an avoidance list. What do I want to avoid? I want to avoid discussing anything that is really going on at all. I do not seem to be discussing these matters with the right group of people. Yes, the personal events that have been going on in my private world would be anything less than horrific. 

The kiddo is out of the home again for the remainder of the year. She is back in the CHINS and this time, the second time around, is not as difficult. My plate ... is more than full. It is cracked! It feels more like a picnic plate and it is bending under all the weight. When I look back at all the many months, I wonder exactly how I did it. I really wonder. There have been so many days where I have had to look at just getting past the day to get to the evening. Then there have been days where I have had to look at just getting past the morning to the afternoon and then day to day. The events of the days have been so difficult and so frustrating. I have seen days that have been steeped in chemo--worry, stress unimaginable, wanting to sleep so badly but having to work and drive home. The days where my stress has been so powerfully high that I wished I could have stopped breathing because it was so hard to breathe. The times that I would email PM and just needed for everything to stop. The kiddo! I have not made it very clear about the things that she has done. This is so hard.

My kiddo told me something a few weeks ago: When I was going through the chemo days, my kiddo would slip out at night and disappear all night long and then come back just before I would get up. During the darkest and deepest of neediest of days, she would take off. This is not just teen-age years; this is something worse than that. I saw her being the most hurtful and hateful in her life. The things that she would say to me were so foul; the arguments that were made; the door slamming events and the like. Whenever I would confront her, she would be hostile and angry. To confront her about her behavior was impossible. In order for me to live with her, I would have to say nothing to her. The days of such stress and tension in the home because of not having any possible release from what was going on. The combined difficulty of chemo and working three jobs was enough to put me under. There were days where I wanted to be put under because it was too much for me to bear. Oddly enough, I am tough as nails, but this has only served to do one more thing--make me tougher and a little more determined. 

Because my kiddo had refused to go to school toward the end of my chemo and radiation days, this got her kicked out of school. She refused to go back and had run away from home shortly after that. She would slowly not come home at curfew and would do everything she could to not come home. She started smoking cigarettes, drink, smoke marijuana and was selling drugs to help with her habit. Any effort to discuss this with her was met with hostility and anger where she would hit the walls, yell, slam doors and use incredibly foul language. At one point, she would call me the worst possible names ever--I do not think that I will forget them any time soon. For the longest time, she made me feel as though I was the center of her problems; I have come to a long, long conclusion that I have not been. But, the matters in the home were so horrible. Things really did not improve much when I had to call the police on her and to have her listed as a runaway so many times. The discussion in the home, because of this, had to be minimal. 

When I would discuss these matters with PM and PD, it got too much for them. The stress of my home life transferred to theirs was too much. After all my chemo was done, PM had said to me, "now that all that is done, you are better now." Well, the stress of the home was not gone and things were just gearing up. Little did I know just how much that was gearing up. Why am I sharing this? I have to release this some how. My support system has been dwindling down again and I have to open up to share this. The intensity of things in my home have been so much that not many can handle this. Amazing. Then, HOW! AM I supposed to handle all of this if they cannot? This is truly a test of my faith. I have to rely upon the LORD. Yes, the one that really can do all things. But, what others neglect to understand is that we are placed upon this planet for a reason. We are to listen to one another and to help out when needed. It is important to do so. 

I have been attending a new church because of PM. But, I am very cautious about sharing there as well. It is intense to come into a new church and just unload. I do not want to do that and I have been not wanting to share anymore. I must get through all of this without opening too much of this. How are others to comprehend what is going on? How can others understand just how hard it is at times? And, when others are having a great difficulty with their life, who are they to go to? Yea, that is right. Who are they to go to? 

Toward the end of last term, I had had it out with one of my other "friends". We no longer talk and it has been nearly two months since I have shared anything. Reason? I was told that I was using this cancer as a crutch; I was told that the complications after this chemo were not true and that I needed to just get over it. Too, the foul language was just too much. I do not care for the language and so, I chose to walk away. But, it was continued when it was put on Facebook and for all to see! These blogs are designed for all to see; true, but this is at my own willingness to share and to disclose appropriately. That is what blogging is all about. I do like this and have shared some of the deepest of things to people that I have never met, never will meet, and who knows who else. 

I have had to work so much. My body hurts from strain from work. My wrists, shoulders and elbows hurt very much. Well, funny stuff huh. There has been so much going on for years, but that is something else. In 2008, the kiddo had her gallbladder out. In 2008, I had had carpul tunnel surgery in my left hand. This was job related and was on workman's compensation. Then, back to work in February of 2010, found my lump in June of 2010 and then it has been a financial rollercoaster since then and with all this other stuff [?] has been incredibly stressful. This other friend had said to me some time ago last term that cancer and stress are not good. Ya think? I did not sign up for this at all; but, I am glad that the days keep going. I am very stressed and would love a vacation.

Looking. Hoping. Waiting. 

What to say is not always enough

When others ask me questions about how I am feeling, I am not sure what to say. In my experience, I thought that during the chemo days, people really wanted to know. But, do they really want to know? When is it a good time to be able to express my thoughts to someone when the time is really needful of that? I am learning to understand this more and more.

As I look back in retrospect, it was both a mixed blessing as well as a curse that I had shared. I look back and wonder why I could not have stayed home and survived this chemo by myself. No. That would have been a death sentence for me. I could not have been able to sit at home, endure what I had to endure. What upsets me now, after so long is that I get angry with myself for contacting people who really do not want to know what is going on. For example, PMB has indicated that "I have been at this for two years now". For a person in charge of spiritual leadership, it is a comment that is wicked and evil. The amount of guilt and anger that I bear because he did not want to know any more what was going on is just too hard at times. Is that my fault? No, but the feeling has been created. So much has happened during this past three years since the diagnosis. I can see how long, now, that I have been writing this blog. I am very pleased that I have started this and for others to understand that the dynamics behind the cancer patient are very involved. I am curious, to see just how other chemo patients have endured through all of their care and treatment. My support for all of this has dwindled.

I am looking. I am seeking. I am still hoping.

The continuing saga ... of

Today was a day that I did not want to deal with. I have many of those and the greatest comfort of all is knowing that I am not alone in all of this. Today, my kiddo moved out completely to foster, again. One of the issues that we had addressed when she moved back in was that she was not to go through my belongings and I would not do that of hers. But, as I was cleaning up her room and packing up her things, then I could see that she had many of my belongings in with her stuff. This made me very irate. For the first time in a very, very long time, I was able to raise my voice to her in front of the counselor and to express to her that I did not appreciate that she had completed this. I had expressed to the counselor, many times, that if I were to confront my kiddo, there would be a whole lot of anger, door slamming, foul language and the like that would be exchanged. Nothing has changed. Not a single bit.

This week, I had had a conversation with one of the other counselors associated with the kiddo's care. The health insurance has been messed up for some time and because of that, the kiddo has not been able to be seen. Well! This is a topic of discussion that really hikes my hiney. Yea, it really does. Insurance has been an issue for me for so long. When I was diagnosed with this mess, I did not have insurance. I had to complete applications for charity and it was a mess. Then anxious days that I had had surrounding all of this was truly incredible. (I have had days of such stress; the days that I did not have hair, it would have made my hair white! from the lack of help.).

One thing that really gets me is the lack of help that I have had during all of this. I have muddled through for such a long time that I am so tired of having to constantly address all of this once again. Again, and again, and again. I had to push for all of my own care. I had to educate people along the way. I had to press in with things that were not considered to be of an importance. I remember PM/MB saying when I told him that we needed to start talking--"why do we need to start talking". Well, the amount of ignorance on behalf of all of this is just unreal. And this is just the same thing that I cannot appreciate once again. When the matters of the packing and the kiddo moving out came up again, all the counselor had to say was "this is why you are not cohabitating". Well, first of all, "cohabitate" is referred to adults in a relationship. Secondly, this is a minor and an adult. Lastly, "huh"? The matters at hand are a result of the child in crisis. But, no. Let us sanction the parent who went through a severe medical crisis without the help of anyone beside her. Am I just a little upset? Certianly I am. Just a little.

It is amazing how we have jaded the whole aspect of individual responsibility. There was no discussion of how the kiddo had stolen from me; rather, it was "this is why ... ".  And the matters of taking things from the adult was not mentioned; I did call the PO and that may be approached. Will it matter once again? Probably not. This child must learn. Even so, the counselor must learn as well. If there is going to be a discussion of taking things from the parent, it should be done right away. For it to be dismissed, then that should be addressed as well. I am not a one to be in the mood for dismissal. I cannot trust the kiddo now and I will not be willing to trust the kiddo any time soon.

There will be discussion once again for the kiddo to come visit. I am so very angry that the matter of visitation is a difficult topic. Boy, do I need a lot of prayer!

So, to vent with respect to what the kiddo did? JC is not that much of a help anymore. The last time I had spoken, he had asked, "why are you still allowing this to bother you?" This is unkind and heartless. Working to harden my heart against all these matters is wrong. I really do believe that it is time to send him out out to pasture. ARG! So, now what to do? Continue with what I have been doing. I need to take care and caution about migraines and to get my rest, stay warm and to continue to take good care of myself. I have been working a lot of grave shifts and I need to get my sleep. I am so looking forward to the weekend. I am so tired.

Looking. Hoping. Just plain upset.

Friendships

To much of my dismay, there have been many changes to my friendships. Just within the last several weeks, I have had to evaluate the meaning of some of my friendships. It is amazing on how much some people do not understand about what goes on in the life of  chemo patient. I have never hated cancer more than what I have been experiencing. The life this cancer has given me has really changed the tomography of my life. While I am out of treatment and not in any treatment at this time, I have experienced so much stress, heartache and headache. Someone said to me, "stress and cancer do not go together". Well, really? Not to sound sarcastic, but that is a given. Much like any other disease, stress is a big enemy. So, what do you do? How do you alleviate all stress? Can you? 

From the very beginning of this diagnosis, I have had to live with incredible stress. The matters of my child running all around and doing the things that she did, which resulted in her removal from the home was more stress than what I could even indicate. I worked three jobs and continued with my everyday life. Did I want this? Did I want to rest and relax? I wanted all of this to go away and it did not. Presently, there is still so much going on. Where do I start? My friendships have been evaluated for certain. I have had to evaluate the purpose of my friendships and have had to keep these matters to myself. In fact, one person had taken upon herself to tell me that she had never known anyone to have to be worried about what to eat or any other physical problems after chemo. Yea, like this is a cake walk. I do not think that anyone who has gone through chemo would say that it was easy. While I only went through 6 treatments, the difficulty was nonetheless all that much more frustrating and trying on me. 

What must I evaluate? I have lost friendships in this cancer walk. I have lost so much in this cancer walk that it does get to be very difficult to talk about. When I discuss what has  been going on with others, they just do not believe what has happened. But, even more so, I have been told that I should continue to discuss this with others as minimally as possible. Yet, on the other hand, I have heard other cancer survivors say that they discuss it with as many people that they know. I cannot even imagine telling others about my cancer walk. My hair has grown back and it has a cute little style. But, even more so, I hate talking to others about it because it has taken such a toll on my life that I do not want to be shared. I do not want others to have any idea about the difficulties I have had to endure. And, they are not gone. They are here. 

This past weekend, my kiddo was placed in another Child in Need Services (CHINS). Because of her apparent substance abuse, her inability to take care of herself, her lack of willingness to meet her appointments and her continued behavior of blowing smoke up others' skirts, she is in foster again. Does anyone really understand how I feel? Can I really share how my thoughts are? Does anyone really want to know just how upsetting it is to know that while I was in my darkest of days, she would be out running the streets doing whatever she wanted? 

One time a couple weeks back, I had noticed on her hip some bruising. It looked like she had had someone grab at her clothes and they were the equivalent of rug burns. But, it looked like rough sex. To think that my child, whom I did not raise to have drugs or alcohol or cigarettes in the home, does that. I never brought boyfriends home and she never had to listen to me have sex with anyone, let alone for drugs and money. I have always been responsible for my behavior and continued with professionalism. I have gone to school and worked. Now? What is going on? I have had to peel friends away. Then again, if this person was a friend, then this person would not have said the unimaginable things that they had said. 

We had had a counselor come to our home. This was interesting. She was green--not very experienced. I had expressed this and BOY! did I get a firestorm of foul language from my "friend". Never should anyone have to hear such language like that. But then again, this is what we do. We like having our adulthood and being able to cuss and swear to the point of utter embarrassment. This should never be. We are adults and there should never be the rationalization of such behavior. It is embarrassing. It is shameful.

My days are long and difficult still. Not as they were before. But, the memories of everything are still so alive. These days are so hard knowing that my kiddo has been removed. When I think about going home, I hate it. The apartment is a mess that has been left behind from her. I have had to work a lot of hours and I am behind in bills. I look forward to a good deep clean. No, I do not live like a pig; but, the place has been neglected. I have been working to get chores done that the kiddo was supposed to do. So, I have to get caught up on these things. Last week, the kiddo was in juvie. Now, she is out of the home. The kiddo's bedroom is so foul smelling it is enough to make me sick. But, that is what it is. Her clothes will be packed up today and from there, I will be getting the room cleaned. I have to clean the carpet. She was smoking in that room while I was to bed or she was at home. And to think that I have to pay for such damages to the unit. I have been there for nearly 8 years; the chances of being charged a whole lot is small. Just the same, things are very challenging. I have to clean, clean, clean. I look forward to a clean home where there is very little mess. I can keep up on my stuff; but, having a child around that does not help out is touch. 

The days are long; but, they will get better. It has been nearly two months since I have spoken to the friend. One of which had posted very bad comments on Facebook. This is not ok. So, I blocked this person. It is what it is. I will do that to whomever. It is very shameful that people should act this way. But, when they do, a blocking I will go! 

Looking. Thinking. Blocking. 

Pondering about difficult things today

It has been a while since I have left my thoughts about what has been going on. I am in a way of sorts and I need to be able to process these things through. I am at a loss today about how to sort my feelings. Last month marked the second annivsary of the chemo being done and I am looking at two years out from radiation. However, I am not out far enough from all the things that have happened since then. There are many difficult things that have happened and I am looking forward to sorting things out. I have found myself missing people that have been here for me. I have found myself missing people who are no longer here; I have been pondering the difficult days of all that has been happening. There has been so much stress that I cannot separate the good days from the overwhelming stress days.

I have been working hard in trying to figure out and process out these emotions and I have not been very successful about doing that. What do I mean? Since my diagnosis, the emotional and physical demand that has been placed in my life has been phenominal. I worked throughout the entire event. I went to work the third day after my first surgery and the next day after my second surgery. I worked throughout chemo and radiation working diligently on not letting others know what was going on. When I nearly died, I was up and around again the next day just figuring things out. I watched helplessly as my child went out of control, was taken out of my home and placed in a foster system that is broken and needing more assistance. I have been kicked out of a church that claimed so many rights to help. Now, the emotions need to be sorted out and so, this is the day that I have been having. Shall we begin? Oh, I thought that we were already doing that.

So, where do I begin? The amount of stress that I have experienced from the time that I was diagnosed to this day is incredible. The stress of chemo was enough. The changes that chemo did create and has left behind creates so much stress as well. Radiation is another thing altogether. But, to deal with work, daily obligations, and a family on top of all of that is more than just what the doc had ordered. I get afraid of telling people all of what has happened because they just would not believe it. Then again, I do not want to share with anyone else because it is too intense of what I had to endure. For the ones that were there, they just do not want to hear any more of what has happened. "Other people are going through things too" is what I was told. And yet another, "why are you allowing this to bother you"? So, I am looking hard at some things and working to process and sort out my thoughts.

I get very angry about things. I am not just angry for the sake of being angry; rather, I am angry because it is apparent that the concept of compassion has a limit of what it is supposed to do. I do get tired of doing all of this by myself. Many people out there are struggling without so much more. For the men and women who are told that they need to say goodbye to their families is just as hard to accept and balance. I have been told that I am having a "pity party". I hate that very much as well. I am learning that sharing with others comes at a cost. When others ask "how are you doing", what is the appropriate thing to say? Do we fabricate things because others really do not want to hear? Are others equally frustrated at how much continues to go on unabated?

When I was told to "share" by PM, I had vehemently said "no".  I would not share. Now, this is where I am. I am not willing to share at the expense of what others might know or experience at what has happened to me. I choose not to divulge that much anymore. At times, I really think that the only person you can really share with is your bartender or your therapist. Humor, of course. Perhaps your dog or your cat? Just the same, I have been providing the details of my personal walk to a select and now, I am profoundly remorseful for doing it.

When I speak with other cancer patients, it is incredibly frustrating at the amount of support they have received. The cooking, cleaning, meal support, home visits, the all around support for medical rides and the like. When I share this, it is only to express just how hard I have worked to get from one point to the other. I look at some of the people that I know and wonder if they would ever be able to do the same. I get angry. I get upset at the capacity that others did not have any courage to just ask me. I get upset and angry that others did not realize that I needed the help. So, now? When I still could use the help and I ask for it? I am told that I need to get over it. I get angry when I am told that stress and cancer do not mix well together and that I should be stress free as much as possible. I get frustrated at that. I am told not to have stress, but this is the greatest stressor of my life at this point. And, doing this without the assistance of others with the expense of others criticizing me about just how much I should not be doing anything or that I should rest and relax. But! When I am relaxing, then, it is "you have been sleeping a lot lately, haven't you"?

I am reminded when PM told me that he was proud of me for working hard on myself. Proud of me. Hmm. I will remember those words for the rest of my life. I will not ever forget those words. I will never forget the importance that PM has been in my life during the most important time of need. I had to trust in the LORD about sharing and trusting in PM. I will never feel that I was wrong in doing so. I will always believe that what I had shared and with whom was appropriate. I will never accept that leaning on someone in the most deepest of needs in my life was wrong. It is simply unfortunate that things turned out the way they did.

Believing. Trusting. Silent.

New adventures in ... not sure

Well, on Wednesday (a couple days ago), I had gone to a very interesting meeting--a support group for Breast Cancer survivors. This was more interesting than I had ever imagined. In this group, there were five of us altogether. I was the youngest of them all. The eldest of the batch was well inter her 70s. This woman was certainly a very courageous woman; in her first cancer, she was treated with cobalt instead of chemo. I cannot imagine having to go through such an incredibly intense treatment. This was a difficult meeting to attend; when I had shared my story, I did not imagine that my story was something a little more intense.

I think the most difficult part of all of this was that others had support systems. From all of the previous postings, it is easy to see just how much of a support system that I have had during all of this. So much has been an incredible shame about what has not happened about all of this. The persons that I wanted to lean on and the persons that were not there are completely different. But, most importantly, what has not been understood about comforting a person during a very critical part of their life is very needed. So much has happened and there was and is currently a huge need for comfort and support.

The diagnosis is something that changes a person's life. This change can be a positive thing depending upon the support that is offered. I had heard these women say again, several times, that they would probably go through chemo again if they needed to. I was the only one that said that I was uncertain if I could ever go through chemo again. When I look back at the physical pain that I had experienced in all of this, I cannot say that I would be willing to go through it again. But when I look back at how this impacted others' lives as well? I am uncertain about how to explain. I am thankful for a stronger walk with the LORD; I know where my help comes from. This is not a platitude. It is something that has strengthened my walk day after day. There have been so many days where I have not wanted to mingle or continue in anything that I have done. When it seemed that all hope was lost, there was strength; there was joy; there was some gleam of happiness. No, the cancer is not back; but, the difficulties that it has created are not gone. I look forward to them being gone soon.

Looking. Hoping. Seeking.

Today I continue ... I really do not want to

I am tired. I am so very tired of the same types of pain that persists and does not go away. Today, I have another headache that is just shy of a migraine. It is tiring and very stressful. I look forward to no more pain. However, I am very thankful that I have been given the opportunity to keep continuing. Funny how things are able to be that way. I get to look back at the days where I was plugged into the most horrible of soup. I remember my first chemo treatment. I remember thinking that "well, I think that I can do this". Then, the biggest bruise on my lower arm that stayed for days. One of my clients wanted to know what had happened--I had to lie. I had said that a client had done it. The bruise was that bad. But, no one can tell me about what is to be expected after chemo treatments are completed. These chronic migraines and headaches are really weighing on me. I have been so frustrated with these migraines and so saddened that they continue. But, this is post life that I must get very acquainted with. I have to be able to make it my "friend" and not fear it; but, the outlines of this friendship must be defined. I have to learn how to cope and manage my life with such a "friend" and not a foe.

Today, I have felt burnt out and ready to just relinquish many things. But, quitting is not an option. I have been tempted to just quit school, lay low and just retreat. But, all of this is not an option. I have started school back up again for one great purpose--I have been told many stupid things in my time and to have others be told the same is just beyond me. People need to know accuracy and truth, and rightness. I have to keep going. I worry very much. I worry that these headaches will continue to a point that they will disable me from doing what I want to do and need to do. I worry that these headaches will become what take me down and not be able to continue to be productive. I will continue to pray and to be sure that I take good care of myself.

Today, I will continue despite wanting to just be sitting back and relax from all of my work and endeavors. I want to take more time off and rest. But, my true sabbatical will come. And that is what I am truly looking forward to. I must practice the art of sabbatical.

Looking forward. Believing on. Not relinquishing.

Something and not just nothing

For the past several weeks, I have had the worst migraines. They have been quite disabling to me; in fact, they have been so powerful that I have gotten so far behind in things. But, today, after a very long time, I am migraine free. I have a headache, but nothing compared to what I have had. Over the past several weeks, this has been a teaser. I would get a lighter headache only to be getting ready for another one. One right after the other; dizziness, upset stomach, pain in my eyes, and light-headedness. All of this has been so overwhelming to me. It has kept me awake at night and has woken me from sleep. I have been on some powerful medications and I have not cared for that.

What triggered all of this? At the end of January, we had a family counseling cession at the counselor's office. There was aromatherapy done the cession before and it was lit when we arrived. The smell was so powerful that I had to ask for a window to be opened. Within a few minutes, I could feel the headache starting and from that point, I was going downhill all the way. I had had time to get to the grocery store and then get home before it really hit. I had to take some pain reliever and from that point onward, it was too much. Within a couple days, I had to go to urgent care and get some pain reliever. But, from that point, I had had two infected ears, and a massive migraine. I was given some very strong pain reliever and when I had gotten home, I was feeling very poorly. I was experiencing a reaction to what was given me. I ended up having to call the ambulance and be taken to the hospital. That was  not an easy night and it was the most frustrating of them all. I got to the ER, lost my cookies (really good) and from there had to wait to get an IV for fluids. One thing, though.

I get frustrated. No one advocated for me. I wonder when the next time I am confronted with this if I will need to just walk out. I had had an invitation to go to church at another place a few weeks ago. I got there and had to leave because the anointing oil was so strong. I did not want to stick around and have to worry about another repeat of a week or so before. My head has hurt in ways that I have not had ever. I get irate at the concept that others will not advocate on my behalf when I am in need. I did express some things to the counselor; however, I do not know if the counselor will be able to understand the importance of advocation for some time. Perhaps being able to write about it on paper is one thing; to actually understand what it means is yet another. Do we really know what it means to advocate for someone? Will we be able to really compassionately understand what we need to do for others?

Compassion, regardless, is quintessential to our being. We need it; we require it; we need to provide the comfort.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Something more.

Moving along and moving into things

Today, my emotions are very rocky. I really do not know who to express these emotions to. This past couple of weeks, I have had the most tumultuous days. I have had the flu for nearly three weeks and my kiddo has been moved back into my home. After several months (nearly a year) of being in juvie and two foster homes, she is back.  I had to ask my Pastor--why did my family have to suffer so much? I do not know. I may not ever know, but I do know one thing. The LORD has promised that all things work for good for those who love HIM. Simply put, that what happens for our destruction can and will be turned around. We must be willing to continue to keep things going on.

I am willing to keep things going on. This past couple of weeks, I have had the flu. I have had it really bad to the point that I have coughed so hard that the blood vessels in my cheeks had burst. It has been hard. I have to say. I have looked back at all of the words said, the things that have been suffered and I think of some of the futility of it all. But, it cannot be for futility. I have no regrets. Yes, it was hard to go through all of this. I know that what has happened has shaped me and made me into a person that I was supposed to be. But, to think that all of this had to happen. Many people had to hear my words. Many people had to hear what I had to say. Many people were confronted about what they did not do and what they should have done. But the most important thing that has confronted me is that many simply do not understand what they are to do to help out others. Will they walk across the street and avoid? Yes. Will they look the other way to not have to recognize what needs to be done? Yes. They will. Will this hurt? Yes it will and it is hard to accept every time. But that acceptance is here. Accepting what is necessary and needful. 

Today, my feelings have been stirred up. I watched a movie that placed things in the most difficult light. I know that I have some very difficult topics that I need to discuss yet and the healing will come. I want that healing to come because there are many hurts involved. One, in particular, is the way others have viewed responsibility. This is something that I will not be able to grapple with for some time; but, I know that I will. I know that how I have been able to manage has been through necessity. This necessity has created a survival. I know that I have done little wrong. Today, I heard it said to me once again--it is not my fault. This tore me up. I know that this is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This just happened and things evolved from it. 

Today, I heard something that I know I must be able to do and that is allow myself to heal. To let things go about how they went and to begin to heal. I am trying. I will be looking. And, I will be traveling in my heart to places where I have never been. 

Traveling. Hoping. Believing. Reaching on. 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! So, this has been a very, very long year that was just finished. There has been so much that has occurred that I cannot even want to revisit this. But, there is still much to accomplish and to contemplate. Today, I have the flu. This has been coming on for the past few days. Now, this is day number 5 and I am so tired from all of this. Tomorrow, I will be going in for my mammogram and from there, will be making an appointment to see my surgeon to be sure to get my other breast examined. Yea, always having to advocate for my rights and my health. We are never to stop that. But, today, I am so tired and full of emotions.

Yesterday, I got the news of a lifetime. My kiddo wants to move back in. I do not know how I feel about it all. I do know that I have missed her, but I do not miss the anguish and I do not want to put her in a spot again with my health. There was a lot done and a lot said. This past year has been nothing more than difficult. I have felt like I have not been able to breathe. Can I breathe now? I am not sure I know how to breathe. This cancer walk is not done. The shadow of all of this is still here at home and it is not going to go away anytime soon. I want it to go away very soon. I want to breathe again.

So, now, counseling is tomorrow and we will be discussing this all. I want to get a list of "demands" together and to present them to the counselor that we might be able to discuss them. I do not want to get her in here and worry about things all over again.

We shall see.

Looking. Hoping. Believing. Trusting. 

As the saga continues

Wow. It has been a long time since my last posting. So much has happened that I cannot tell you just where it has stopped. Well, the continuing saga of having to fight for my healthcare has been ongoing. In May, I got my health insurance AGAIN! this time, it was provided through my employer and not through the state. This has been exciting. I have worked so hard with all of these jobs that it is finally the way to get everything done. 

If you recall, I had had my MRI for both breasts. Yes, that was not the most exciting thing that happened. Having to get my mammo every six months is the outcome. I have fluid behind the incision and this is something that I will have for some time. However, I do not have anything built up in my lymph nodes. I have a mammo on Wednesday and from that point, I will be rescheduling again with my surgeon. I will need to have an MRI, every year, for the rest of my life. I am considered to be high-risk. I am glad to have all of this.

On my last oncology appointment, my blood-work was excellent and my oncologist is very pleased. I have been working very diligently on taking good care of myself. I exercise and am looking forward to more. Since radiation, I have gained 35 lbs that does not want to come off. I was able to take 10 of it off, but the rest is so very difficult. I have been walking and doing more and look forward to doing more.

The matters with my kiddo are dynamic. They have been changing and they have been ok. We have been in family counseling and court several times. She was in one foster family and they did so much for her. Her behavior and attitude got her kicked out. Now, she is a home closer and she has been improving. But, her health is still a very large concern. Since my cancer diagnosis, so much has happened. Yes, she confirmed that the party that she had had on her birthday was the day she lost her virginity. They party they had had was enough. I do remember that very well. 

My kiddo has admitted that she is depressed and suicidal. In fact, she has attempted. In fact, two of my family members, in a two-month period, tried. Imagine that. When I had heard all of this, I just wanted to heave. I cried so hard on both of them. My kiddo's life has been changed forever. She has been in contact with so many of her other family members and not all of them have been accepting or wanting of her. I cannot express how much my heart has been aching over all of this. The experiences of substance abuse and now her mental health. This upcoming year will be quite the defining line for many things. I am not sure how I am going to address these things. 

So, I am now working on getting a prosthesis. Yes, my tatas are different sizes and I need to be looking at something that will help out. I am tired of all of this. My hair is getting more full and I am looking at putting all this behind me. 

Looking for new churches and looking for aspects of security. Look in my other blog. The explanation is there.

Looking forward. Looking hard. Expecting a lot. 

There and back again and again

I am there again. I have another appointment for an MRI for my left breast. The pain and the discomfort has been so much that I have not been able to wear a bra. I have to say, this is getting quite old. This discomfort has been existing for several weeks; I was able to get into the appointment rather quickly. I am considered as "high risk" for the type of cancer that I had. At my age and my history of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), I am high risk. So, I have expressed to the nurse that I need to have a sedative for the procedure. I will be in the MRI for a bit. There will be a contrast needed and then from there, imagery of my breast. What the doc is looking for specifically is under the scar and to determine if there i sanything else going on. I was told that the pain could be one of many things--the surgical procedure itself; the exercises that I have been doing; some cancer cells that did not get "killed" from before. I will not accept that any cancer cells did not get seen. I just will not accept that.

The procedure is enough for me at this point. I know that I have a lot of people praying for me and looking out for me now. Now. Hard to say that. After such a long, long time, it is hard to believe that others are there for me. I have prayed for it and I have believed for it. Oh, how much has gone in with the family situation. I just do not know where to begin.

The kiddo. So much to say about her. She was kicked out of the foster placement and now in a new placement. From what I do understand, the placement is not good. The chances of smoking and stuff being done again is really good. The counseling appointments have been placed on hold for the time being. I sure wish I knew what was going on. I cannot even go to see her. There are times that I miss her beyond my own breathe; but, I realize that I cannot withstand her behavior. I will not put up with the drugs, alcohol, sex, and smoking. She has been out of control for some time.

What I really hate the most is hiding a lot of this from so many. With all of what has been going on, it is hard to just open and share. How do I share? How do I just say "by the way..." I keep it from work, of course. I keep it from as many as I can. How do I share? How do I say what needs to be done? Not many can possibly understand what has been going on. I am careful to not get involved with too much that might require an explanation. I try not to get involved with things that people might want to get to know me. How do I explain what has been going on? I have been so emotionally needy and demanding. How anyone has survived me during this difficult time. Oh, how the days have been so difficult.

I try to keep myself busy with things. I try hard to not think about what is going on. It makes it easier in the day to not think about her. I have been thinking of taking her pix down and just packing them away so I do not have to be reminded. I am trying to change a lot in the home to take the reminders down and away. I miss her like I miss my heartbeat. But during this time, I look forward to more ease and less reminders. I look forward and not to the side or behind me. I have to not be distracted by what has been going on. It is hard. With the balance of the kiddo and the medical, it is still very difficult. Everyone thinks that it is that easy. It really is not. I just make crisis look normal.

I shaved my head again. Keeping it short because I have broken out with rashes and stuff in my scalp. As much as I want my hair to grow, I am concerned about the rash coming back again and again. I am so eager to look normal again. So many people are looking and I need to keep my head covered from the looks. I hate the looks. I have been told to not let it bother me. I hate it very much. I hate having to be working to not have things bother me. I hate things bothering me. I want peace from the burden. So, I will be keeping away from some people and will not be sharing a whole lot with others. I am so tired of it all. I am looking forward to change. Good change. I am looking forward to a vacation.

Looking forward. Seeking onward. Reaching carefully.

The girls

Well, the girls are in the forefront again.  Yesterday I had had an appointment with my surgeon. Yes, it is another round of appointments and the like. Because I am considered to be "high risk", I will be closely monitored throughout all of this. Because of my age and the early detection of my breast cancer, I will be monitored for the rest of my life. I will be able to access medical services regarding all of this very quickly. That is very good to know.

I did find out that my oncologist had decided to treat me with chemo because I was high risk. I was pleased to hear that, but this past couple of years have been met with so much diffculty and resistance. But, I am blessed. I know that so much has been going on and to get some peace and tranquility in all of this is so needed. I do not especially feel all that excited about having the girls displayed for everyone to see once again. No, I am not thrilled.

So, Doctor had given me a complete rundown of what might be going on as well as what might not being happening. I will be scheduled for another exam--an MRI. From what I understand, the exam will be able to have more conclusive imagery that a mammogram and ultrasound does not pick up. Certainly, my thoughts are running wild. If there are any cells that were missed, the MRI could determine that. However, when I had had the aspiration, everything was good. I am concerned, but I have to tell myself that I should not be concerned. I am in excellent health and I am well monitored for all my health conditions. I am also a strong advocate for what is going on. I am working diligently to be very open and vocal. Sometimes, very vocal and upfront. How am I supposed to be?

I was asked something about an aspect of my care. I was asked if I was sent to Physical Therapy for recovery? I said no. I was so very upset. I have not received a lot of aspects to my care and I have wished for a lot. I am not receiving anything and I have been working to develop my own care plan. I have worked very carefully to build my own dietary regimine; careful to develop my own exercise program with self-imposed limitations to lifting, weightbearing exercises and to continue to work and stretch out my muscles after the surgery.

One thing that the nurses have been amazed at was that I did not tell my clients what was going on. Nothing was discussed at work with my evening job and my clients from my day job did not know what was going on. I want to keep it that way. I had never gone to either boss and asked for special priveledges. I took very little time off from work because I needed the money and to build my finances for my taxes. I had anticipated that I would get a very good income tax return so that I would be able to have money for what I needed--clothes, boots, pants/dungarees, etc. I had to think ahead because I had no idea what was to be expected from my outcome. Now, I have insurance and I can get what I need to have. I am pleased with who I have. I have an excellent team of folks; but, one thing as well. They know that they have a spitfire of a patient. I will not just simply accept the okay. I will ask questions and I will be calling and pressing and pushing. When we have to be our own advocate, we must do that. It is not always easy or fun to do, but it has been done. For all of this time, it is very important for me to do.

Must keep going.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Advocating on.

I cannot believe I did this

I cannot believe that I did this. I had an appointment today to meet with the surgeon regarding my breast and I missed it. I hate missing appointments. I have had so many appointments and I have not missed any for a very, very long time. I remember missing one appointment and had to pay $20 for the missed appointment. I really hate missing these things.

When I miss an appointment, it just sends my entire day into a turmoil. Because I have not told my clients about what is going on with me, I have to fabricate a web of lies to keep my privacy. I am so frustrated that I cannot concentrate or relax.  I hate having to tell people lies about what is going on with me. I have hidden this cancer issue from so many for so long and I am so tired of this. I hate this very much. Just another aspect of why I hate cancer. I cannot tell you how many medical appointments that I have had regarding this whole thing. I am tired of reading about it. I am tired of talking to people about it. Some might think that because I am done with the treatment that I am done with everything and then I will be fine. No, it does not go that way. Some just do not get it. Many just do not get it. Just because the treatments are done does not mean that the after effects of it are gone. They are here. A huge ordeal still not gone away. 

I have rescheduled the appointment and I will be working diligently for this not to happen again for a long, long time. 

Pushing on. Pressing in. Remembering on. 

Taking a deep breathe

It has been a while since I have been posting. My appologies. I have been concentrating on many things and time has been escaping me. There has been so much that has been going on and I do not know where exactly to start. So, I will continue where I left off from my last posting--to the best of my recollection.

Have I told you how much I hate this cancer? I hate what has been done to my family. Despite it all, I can take a deep breathe and know that I have a little bit of some time to relax. Over the last several months, my kiddo has been arrested, placed into juvie, then to a friend's home, then to rehab and then back to school. She has been in sumer school now; we have had several difficult days of communication. We communicate through a counselor now; which , this is very difficult. I have had very little excitement about this. When it comes to the counseling time, I am just wiped and torn to pieces. I have not been able to see her or touch her. The communication is broken and I have had no updates about what is going on. I cannot handle the counseling sessions. I have been told about her drug activity and how she has been behaving. I do not like to hear about what she has done or who she has done it with. She has even said that she has done things that she is not proud of. She is several months clean and sober. Clean and sober. That is something that I really have to stand and say again. My 16 year old is clean and sober. But, the chances of her returning back to the home is not good. She has requested to stay away from the home. She says that when she is 18, I will never hear from her again. I wonder. She has also said that she wants to continue our communication. I wonder. It hurts very much to know that your child has been able to say so many hurtful things. And, she has said many hurtful things.

My health is excellent. Although things are always a battle with one thing or another, I am looking forward saying that I have worked long and hard on things. Just this past week, I had bloodwork done to see how hard I have been working on my cholesterol and other things. It was good! Although the numbers really did not change much, things did not get worse. So, I am confident that things are working better. Last month, I had had a medical procedure to determine if my reproductive health was good. It was excellent! I am very pleased to say that my health is very good. I had had a biopsy completed to determine if my uterine and cervical health were good. Not only was the sample normal, but it was determined that my cells were not estrogen receptive--I am in post-menopause! Naturally! Dr. B has told me several times that because I am not on any hormone suppressive therapy, I would be at risk. Well, I am not on any medication and my hormone, estrogen, has been not been in production. I had confirmed that this means that I have ensured breast health and that is the best news ever. I have been believing and praying that this be the case and it has been confirmed. Yes, I will still make sure to have the mamos like I am supposed to and to be sure to have my regular pelvics as I am told. I do not want to be foolish.  

It is nice to have this off my plate of worries. And that really has been on my plate of worries. In a week or so, I will have an appointment with a surgeon regarding my breast. I have had an aspiration completd several months ago. I had built up fluid in my breast behind the scar and it was not going anywhere. So, the doc went in with a needle and "sucked" it out. Yea, the whole idea of having another needle placed in the breast was not my idea of fun. In fact, I had had a massive migraine shortly thereafter. It lasted the entire day and it was very difficult to deal with. I have had a lot of migraines and they have been stressed induced. I really hate the stress that has been involved in all of this.

I know one thing for certain. I will not be sharing this with many. So much has gone on and it has been quite frustrating at how things have developed. Breast cancer has stirred up my entire life and has turned it upside down. I wish things would change now, but they have not and will continue to be challenging for some time to come. I wish people would understand what has been going on. Seems that I am faulted for having so much going on. When I go to medical appointments and I am asked about what kind of stress is going on in my life, I have to be very careful about what I share. I do not want to share a whole lot. But, I have been told--you have a lot on your plate. Ya think? What am I to do? Where am I to turn? I have to be careful about who I tell and whom I share things with. This is going to be difficult and I know that it can be done. I must be strong and I must be diligent to the cause. I can do this.

Seeking on. Looking into. Journeying on.

Continuing chronicles of ...

Without a doubt, events of my day are always intriguing and full of ritual. Some events are just exaserbating while others are just unspeakable. Today, I have been reminded of so many rituals. There have been some long days and long and tiring events. The heat of the week has been trying. Muggy and uncomfortable for the most part. Now, skin breakdowns are coming again. No, it is not because of treatment or anything; rather, it is all that much more very important to cover up, have clean clothes and know your product.

I have been reflecting upon the events from last year to this year as well. I am looking at myself in the mirror and see so much. My weight has been unchanged from last year. It has been so difficult to try and get the weight off. So, I am determined. Just like the other projects that I have had going on, I am working toward the weight loss again. I am determined that this is going to change. Right after radiation was done, I gained nearly 30 lbs. This past year, I have ben yo-yoing and this is going to stop. While I experience the frustration of all of this, I am going to need to get into a structured regime. Yes, I have purchased some great DVDs. Yes, I did purchase some Richard Simmons and he is great. I look forward to this all the time. Now, the best thing to do is to look for the time to get moving. It will take an hour a day to do this and I can do it. All I need to do is to move some furniture around and get into the grove. I look forward to seeing everyone doing the same.

Shaking it. Moving it. OMOM--Oh me oh my!

Red Rover, Red Rover, let ... come over

Red rover, red rover, let ... anyone come over. Yes, what a game that used to be when I was a child. I loved the red rover game. Today, I really do look forward to the emotional side of the game. The concept of permitting someone to be part of a game and exchange is good. We all need the exchange. The communication and the introduction of a shift from the everyday routine. Over here, the routine is far from mundane or everyday. But, when you deal with the afterlife of cancer, you deal with a whole different definition of routine.

I have been working on many aspects of my health impact. I have been noticing one thing, in particular that does not thrill me. I have been gaining weight again, little at a time. This time last year, I had gained nearly 30 pounds after the completion of radiation. I have lost, and gained, and lost and gained. Now, I have to take into significant reconsideration that I must take a closer look at the weight loss. I must stick to a strickter routine. I have noticed that I cannot eat the same kinds of foods as I used to before. Red rover, red rover, let .... no one with a whole bunch of junk food come over. I have spent time in others' homes for dinner and must understand that I have to! stick to my eating plan. My stomach can only hold so much and I can only eat past a certain time of the day if I do not want to be getting sick. Too, I have noticed that I must remain close to a healthier lifestyle. Lots of water, for certain. Too, I must be very careful about my grains. I love to eat my oatmeal and my hot cereals. Too, I love to eat my cold cereals and whole wheat breads. I have been taking time to learn more about the metabolic functions of these foods and to benefits of what it means to be chosing better.

While it seems that I have been working diligently on so many things, how is it that I am working on this? Well, this has been one of the things that I have been working on. Now, I must really take a closer look at it and say that I will not be deterred from it. When I go to a certain friend's house, she eats all kinds of stuff. Pizza, chocolate pies, all kinds of other yummies that I like to eat time to time. And, for the most part, it is ok to do that. But, know when moderation is to be used and when to eat these kinds of yummies. I schedule a yummies night out once a month and I will not stop that. I have been working hard on so many things and have been enduring through some fantastic events. And, of course, I will not be deterred from them. It is for my overall health and benefits that I continue and endure through till the very end.

So, the next thing that I am doing is to continue to take my supplements ontime. Two of the most important supplements that I have been taking are magnesium and potassium. These two have been so very important to me. The magnesium helps with my migraines. While the supplement has been noted to help with blood pressure and metabolism of carbohydrates, it really has been helping with the migraines. Too, it has been noted to help with bone density and osteoporosis. The chemo drugs did a number on me. So, in the meantime, this is a great way to help fortify my body after such incredible toxic sludge. I continue to exercise as well and am working on developing my day more and more for my strength and support.

Potassium has been another quintessential supplement. This is for my muscles and for my leg cramps. If I do not take my potassium, my leg cramps are unbearable. I have to take a certain amount of potassium a day. If I sweat a whole lot or drink a lot of water in a day, I have to take potassium at night. I remember one day, I had to go to the ER for my migraine. My attending physician paid me a compliment. He had expressed that I had a lower incidence of heart disease. He did indicate that I still had a risk; however, at this rate, that is not one of my concerns. This is very good to me. There are many things that we might be concerned about; but, this for me is one that is not a major concern. I was in a lot of pain from what I was going through; but, I know that I am on the right track.

My next best thing to work on is my tension. I must pay closer attention to what causes my tension, to reduce it and to seek to avoid the obvious triggers. In the meantime, I am excited about how I am working hard at trying to stay healthier and more empowered about my health. See you there too!

Pressing forward. Roving onward. Empowered on.