Gearing up ... working toward

I am so tired and frustrated. It seems that there is always something going on. I have been reading through my blogs to see the progression of things and I am amazed at just all the events that have been going on. Do you believe it? When I hear that someone has been diagnosed with breast cancer, I get really upset. Yes, it is very tragic to be diagnosed with anything. Breast cancer is just a small portion of the diagnoses out there. I am looking back at the past several years and see just how difficult the days have been. I get up in the morning and try to keep focused on the day. I set a goal on what I want to avoid and accomplish at the same time. Odd I should keep an avoidance list. What do I want to avoid? I want to avoid discussing anything that is really going on at all. I do not seem to be discussing these matters with the right group of people. Yes, the personal events that have been going on in my private world would be anything less than horrific. 

The kiddo is out of the home again for the remainder of the year. She is back in the CHINS and this time, the second time around, is not as difficult. My plate ... is more than full. It is cracked! It feels more like a picnic plate and it is bending under all the weight. When I look back at all the many months, I wonder exactly how I did it. I really wonder. There have been so many days where I have had to look at just getting past the day to get to the evening. Then there have been days where I have had to look at just getting past the morning to the afternoon and then day to day. The events of the days have been so difficult and so frustrating. I have seen days that have been steeped in chemo--worry, stress unimaginable, wanting to sleep so badly but having to work and drive home. The days where my stress has been so powerfully high that I wished I could have stopped breathing because it was so hard to breathe. The times that I would email PM and just needed for everything to stop. The kiddo! I have not made it very clear about the things that she has done. This is so hard.

My kiddo told me something a few weeks ago: When I was going through the chemo days, my kiddo would slip out at night and disappear all night long and then come back just before I would get up. During the darkest and deepest of neediest of days, she would take off. This is not just teen-age years; this is something worse than that. I saw her being the most hurtful and hateful in her life. The things that she would say to me were so foul; the arguments that were made; the door slamming events and the like. Whenever I would confront her, she would be hostile and angry. To confront her about her behavior was impossible. In order for me to live with her, I would have to say nothing to her. The days of such stress and tension in the home because of not having any possible release from what was going on. The combined difficulty of chemo and working three jobs was enough to put me under. There were days where I wanted to be put under because it was too much for me to bear. Oddly enough, I am tough as nails, but this has only served to do one more thing--make me tougher and a little more determined. 

Because my kiddo had refused to go to school toward the end of my chemo and radiation days, this got her kicked out of school. She refused to go back and had run away from home shortly after that. She would slowly not come home at curfew and would do everything she could to not come home. She started smoking cigarettes, drink, smoke marijuana and was selling drugs to help with her habit. Any effort to discuss this with her was met with hostility and anger where she would hit the walls, yell, slam doors and use incredibly foul language. At one point, she would call me the worst possible names ever--I do not think that I will forget them any time soon. For the longest time, she made me feel as though I was the center of her problems; I have come to a long, long conclusion that I have not been. But, the matters in the home were so horrible. Things really did not improve much when I had to call the police on her and to have her listed as a runaway so many times. The discussion in the home, because of this, had to be minimal. 

When I would discuss these matters with PM and PD, it got too much for them. The stress of my home life transferred to theirs was too much. After all my chemo was done, PM had said to me, "now that all that is done, you are better now." Well, the stress of the home was not gone and things were just gearing up. Little did I know just how much that was gearing up. Why am I sharing this? I have to release this some how. My support system has been dwindling down again and I have to open up to share this. The intensity of things in my home have been so much that not many can handle this. Amazing. Then, HOW! AM I supposed to handle all of this if they cannot? This is truly a test of my faith. I have to rely upon the LORD. Yes, the one that really can do all things. But, what others neglect to understand is that we are placed upon this planet for a reason. We are to listen to one another and to help out when needed. It is important to do so. 

I have been attending a new church because of PM. But, I am very cautious about sharing there as well. It is intense to come into a new church and just unload. I do not want to do that and I have been not wanting to share anymore. I must get through all of this without opening too much of this. How are others to comprehend what is going on? How can others understand just how hard it is at times? And, when others are having a great difficulty with their life, who are they to go to? Yea, that is right. Who are they to go to? 

Toward the end of last term, I had had it out with one of my other "friends". We no longer talk and it has been nearly two months since I have shared anything. Reason? I was told that I was using this cancer as a crutch; I was told that the complications after this chemo were not true and that I needed to just get over it. Too, the foul language was just too much. I do not care for the language and so, I chose to walk away. But, it was continued when it was put on Facebook and for all to see! These blogs are designed for all to see; true, but this is at my own willingness to share and to disclose appropriately. That is what blogging is all about. I do like this and have shared some of the deepest of things to people that I have never met, never will meet, and who knows who else. 

I have had to work so much. My body hurts from strain from work. My wrists, shoulders and elbows hurt very much. Well, funny stuff huh. There has been so much going on for years, but that is something else. In 2008, the kiddo had her gallbladder out. In 2008, I had had carpul tunnel surgery in my left hand. This was job related and was on workman's compensation. Then, back to work in February of 2010, found my lump in June of 2010 and then it has been a financial rollercoaster since then and with all this other stuff [?] has been incredibly stressful. This other friend had said to me some time ago last term that cancer and stress are not good. Ya think? I did not sign up for this at all; but, I am glad that the days keep going. I am very stressed and would love a vacation.

Looking. Hoping. Waiting.