It has been a while since I have left my thoughts about what has been going on. I am in a way of sorts and I need to be able to process these things through. I am at a loss today about how to sort my feelings. Last month marked the second annivsary of the chemo being done and I am looking at two years out from radiation. However, I am not out far enough from all the things that have happened since then. There are many difficult things that have happened and I am looking forward to sorting things out. I have found myself missing people that have been here for me. I have found myself missing people who are no longer here; I have been pondering the difficult days of all that has been happening. There has been so much stress that I cannot separate the good days from the overwhelming stress days.
I have been working hard in trying to figure out and process out these emotions and I have not been very successful about doing that. What do I mean? Since my diagnosis, the emotional and physical demand that has been placed in my life has been phenominal. I worked throughout the entire event. I went to work the third day after my first surgery and the next day after my second surgery. I worked throughout chemo and radiation working diligently on not letting others know what was going on. When I nearly died, I was up and around again the next day just figuring things out. I watched helplessly as my child went out of control, was taken out of my home and placed in a foster system that is broken and needing more assistance. I have been kicked out of a church that claimed so many rights to help. Now, the emotions need to be sorted out and so, this is the day that I have been having. Shall we begin? Oh, I thought that we were already doing that.
So, where do I begin? The amount of stress that I have experienced from the time that I was diagnosed to this day is incredible. The stress of chemo was enough. The changes that chemo did create and has left behind creates so much stress as well. Radiation is another thing altogether. But, to deal with work, daily obligations, and a family on top of all of that is more than just what the doc had ordered. I get afraid of telling people all of what has happened because they just would not believe it. Then again, I do not want to share with anyone else because it is too intense of what I had to endure. For the ones that were there, they just do not want to hear any more of what has happened. "Other people are going through things too" is what I was told. And yet another, "why are you allowing this to bother you"? So, I am looking hard at some things and working to process and sort out my thoughts.
I get very angry about things. I am not just angry for the sake of being angry; rather, I am angry because it is apparent that the concept of compassion has a limit of what it is supposed to do. I do get tired of doing all of this by myself. Many people out there are struggling without so much more. For the men and women who are told that they need to say goodbye to their families is just as hard to accept and balance. I have been told that I am having a "pity party". I hate that very much as well. I am learning that sharing with others comes at a cost. When others ask "how are you doing", what is the appropriate thing to say? Do we fabricate things because others really do not want to hear? Are others equally frustrated at how much continues to go on unabated?
When I was told to "share" by PM, I had vehemently said "no". I would not share. Now, this is where I am. I am not willing to share at the expense of what others might know or experience at what has happened to me. I choose not to divulge that much anymore. At times, I really think that the only person you can really share with is your bartender or your therapist. Humor, of course. Perhaps your dog or your cat? Just the same, I have been providing the details of my personal walk to a select and now, I am profoundly remorseful for doing it.
When I speak with other cancer patients, it is incredibly frustrating at the amount of support they have received. The cooking, cleaning, meal support, home visits, the all around support for medical rides and the like. When I share this, it is only to express just how hard I have worked to get from one point to the other. I look at some of the people that I know and wonder if they would ever be able to do the same. I get angry. I get upset at the capacity that others did not have any courage to just ask me. I get upset and angry that others did not realize that I needed the help. So, now? When I still could use the help and I ask for it? I am told that I need to get over it. I get angry when I am told that stress and cancer do not mix well together and that I should be stress free as much as possible. I get frustrated at that. I am told not to have stress, but this is the greatest stressor of my life at this point. And, doing this without the assistance of others with the expense of others criticizing me about just how much I should not be doing anything or that I should rest and relax. But! When I am relaxing, then, it is "you have been sleeping a lot lately, haven't you"?
I am reminded when PM told me that he was proud of me for working hard on myself. Proud of me. Hmm. I will remember those words for the rest of my life. I will not ever forget those words. I will never forget the importance that PM has been in my life during the most important time of need. I had to trust in the LORD about sharing and trusting in PM. I will never feel that I was wrong in doing so. I will always believe that what I had shared and with whom was appropriate. I will never accept that leaning on someone in the most deepest of needs in my life was wrong. It is simply unfortunate that things turned out the way they did.
Believing. Trusting. Silent.
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