Friendships

To much of my dismay, there have been many changes to my friendships. Just within the last several weeks, I have had to evaluate the meaning of some of my friendships. It is amazing on how much some people do not understand about what goes on in the life of  chemo patient. I have never hated cancer more than what I have been experiencing. The life this cancer has given me has really changed the tomography of my life. While I am out of treatment and not in any treatment at this time, I have experienced so much stress, heartache and headache. Someone said to me, "stress and cancer do not go together". Well, really? Not to sound sarcastic, but that is a given. Much like any other disease, stress is a big enemy. So, what do you do? How do you alleviate all stress? Can you? 

From the very beginning of this diagnosis, I have had to live with incredible stress. The matters of my child running all around and doing the things that she did, which resulted in her removal from the home was more stress than what I could even indicate. I worked three jobs and continued with my everyday life. Did I want this? Did I want to rest and relax? I wanted all of this to go away and it did not. Presently, there is still so much going on. Where do I start? My friendships have been evaluated for certain. I have had to evaluate the purpose of my friendships and have had to keep these matters to myself. In fact, one person had taken upon herself to tell me that she had never known anyone to have to be worried about what to eat or any other physical problems after chemo. Yea, like this is a cake walk. I do not think that anyone who has gone through chemo would say that it was easy. While I only went through 6 treatments, the difficulty was nonetheless all that much more frustrating and trying on me. 

What must I evaluate? I have lost friendships in this cancer walk. I have lost so much in this cancer walk that it does get to be very difficult to talk about. When I discuss what has  been going on with others, they just do not believe what has happened. But, even more so, I have been told that I should continue to discuss this with others as minimally as possible. Yet, on the other hand, I have heard other cancer survivors say that they discuss it with as many people that they know. I cannot even imagine telling others about my cancer walk. My hair has grown back and it has a cute little style. But, even more so, I hate talking to others about it because it has taken such a toll on my life that I do not want to be shared. I do not want others to have any idea about the difficulties I have had to endure. And, they are not gone. They are here. 

This past weekend, my kiddo was placed in another Child in Need Services (CHINS). Because of her apparent substance abuse, her inability to take care of herself, her lack of willingness to meet her appointments and her continued behavior of blowing smoke up others' skirts, she is in foster again. Does anyone really understand how I feel? Can I really share how my thoughts are? Does anyone really want to know just how upsetting it is to know that while I was in my darkest of days, she would be out running the streets doing whatever she wanted? 

One time a couple weeks back, I had noticed on her hip some bruising. It looked like she had had someone grab at her clothes and they were the equivalent of rug burns. But, it looked like rough sex. To think that my child, whom I did not raise to have drugs or alcohol or cigarettes in the home, does that. I never brought boyfriends home and she never had to listen to me have sex with anyone, let alone for drugs and money. I have always been responsible for my behavior and continued with professionalism. I have gone to school and worked. Now? What is going on? I have had to peel friends away. Then again, if this person was a friend, then this person would not have said the unimaginable things that they had said. 

We had had a counselor come to our home. This was interesting. She was green--not very experienced. I had expressed this and BOY! did I get a firestorm of foul language from my "friend". Never should anyone have to hear such language like that. But then again, this is what we do. We like having our adulthood and being able to cuss and swear to the point of utter embarrassment. This should never be. We are adults and there should never be the rationalization of such behavior. It is embarrassing. It is shameful.

My days are long and difficult still. Not as they were before. But, the memories of everything are still so alive. These days are so hard knowing that my kiddo has been removed. When I think about going home, I hate it. The apartment is a mess that has been left behind from her. I have had to work a lot of hours and I am behind in bills. I look forward to a good deep clean. No, I do not live like a pig; but, the place has been neglected. I have been working to get chores done that the kiddo was supposed to do. So, I have to get caught up on these things. Last week, the kiddo was in juvie. Now, she is out of the home. The kiddo's bedroom is so foul smelling it is enough to make me sick. But, that is what it is. Her clothes will be packed up today and from there, I will be getting the room cleaned. I have to clean the carpet. She was smoking in that room while I was to bed or she was at home. And to think that I have to pay for such damages to the unit. I have been there for nearly 8 years; the chances of being charged a whole lot is small. Just the same, things are very challenging. I have to clean, clean, clean. I look forward to a clean home where there is very little mess. I can keep up on my stuff; but, having a child around that does not help out is touch. 

The days are long; but, they will get better. It has been nearly two months since I have spoken to the friend. One of which had posted very bad comments on Facebook. This is not ok. So, I blocked this person. It is what it is. I will do that to whomever. It is very shameful that people should act this way. But, when they do, a blocking I will go! 

Looking. Thinking. Blocking.