Today was a day that I did not want to deal with. I have many of those and the greatest comfort of all is knowing that I am not alone in all of this. Today, my kiddo moved out completely to foster, again. One of the issues that we had addressed when she moved back in was that she was not to go through my belongings and I would not do that of hers. But, as I was cleaning up her room and packing up her things, then I could see that she had many of my belongings in with her stuff. This made me very irate. For the first time in a very, very long time, I was able to raise my voice to her in front of the counselor and to express to her that I did not appreciate that she had completed this. I had expressed to the counselor, many times, that if I were to confront my kiddo, there would be a whole lot of anger, door slamming, foul language and the like that would be exchanged. Nothing has changed. Not a single bit.
This week, I had had a conversation with one of the other counselors associated with the kiddo's care. The health insurance has been messed up for some time and because of that, the kiddo has not been able to be seen. Well! This is a topic of discussion that really hikes my hiney. Yea, it really does. Insurance has been an issue for me for so long. When I was diagnosed with this mess, I did not have insurance. I had to complete applications for charity and it was a mess. Then anxious days that I had had surrounding all of this was truly incredible. (I have had days of such stress; the days that I did not have hair, it would have made my hair white! from the lack of help.).
One thing that really gets me is the lack of help that I have had during all of this. I have muddled through for such a long time that I am so tired of having to constantly address all of this once again. Again, and again, and again. I had to push for all of my own care. I had to educate people along the way. I had to press in with things that were not considered to be of an importance. I remember PM/MB saying when I told him that we needed to start talking--"why do we need to start talking". Well, the amount of ignorance on behalf of all of this is just unreal. And this is just the same thing that I cannot appreciate once again. When the matters of the packing and the kiddo moving out came up again, all the counselor had to say was "this is why you are not cohabitating". Well, first of all, "cohabitate" is referred to adults in a relationship. Secondly, this is a minor and an adult. Lastly, "huh"? The matters at hand are a result of the child in crisis. But, no. Let us sanction the parent who went through a severe medical crisis without the help of anyone beside her. Am I just a little upset? Certianly I am. Just a little.
It is amazing how we have jaded the whole aspect of individual responsibility. There was no discussion of how the kiddo had stolen from me; rather, it was "this is why ... ". And the matters of taking things from the adult was not mentioned; I did call the PO and that may be approached. Will it matter once again? Probably not. This child must learn. Even so, the counselor must learn as well. If there is going to be a discussion of taking things from the parent, it should be done right away. For it to be dismissed, then that should be addressed as well. I am not a one to be in the mood for dismissal. I cannot trust the kiddo now and I will not be willing to trust the kiddo any time soon.
There will be discussion once again for the kiddo to come visit. I am so very angry that the matter of visitation is a difficult topic. Boy, do I need a lot of prayer!
So, to vent with respect to what the kiddo did? JC is not that much of a help anymore. The last time I had spoken, he had asked, "why are you still allowing this to bother you?" This is unkind and heartless. Working to harden my heart against all these matters is wrong. I really do believe that it is time to send him out out to pasture. ARG! So, now what to do? Continue with what I have been doing. I need to take care and caution about migraines and to get my rest, stay warm and to continue to take good care of myself. I have been working a lot of grave shifts and I need to get my sleep. I am so looking forward to the weekend. I am so tired.
Looking. Hoping. Just plain upset.
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