I am tired. I am so very tired of the same types of pain that persists and does not go away. Today, I have another headache that is just shy of a migraine. It is tiring and very stressful. I look forward to no more pain. However, I am very thankful that I have been given the opportunity to keep continuing. Funny how things are able to be that way. I get to look back at the days where I was plugged into the most horrible of soup. I remember my first chemo treatment. I remember thinking that "well, I think that I can do this". Then, the biggest bruise on my lower arm that stayed for days. One of my clients wanted to know what had happened--I had to lie. I had said that a client had done it. The bruise was that bad. But, no one can tell me about what is to be expected after chemo treatments are completed. These chronic migraines and headaches are really weighing on me. I have been so frustrated with these migraines and so saddened that they continue. But, this is post life that I must get very acquainted with. I have to be able to make it my "friend" and not fear it; but, the outlines of this friendship must be defined. I have to learn how to cope and manage my life with such a "friend" and not a foe.
Today, I have felt burnt out and ready to just relinquish many things. But, quitting is not an option. I have been tempted to just quit school, lay low and just retreat. But, all of this is not an option. I have started school back up again for one great purpose--I have been told many stupid things in my time and to have others be told the same is just beyond me. People need to know accuracy and truth, and rightness. I have to keep going. I worry very much. I worry that these headaches will continue to a point that they will disable me from doing what I want to do and need to do. I worry that these headaches will become what take me down and not be able to continue to be productive. I will continue to pray and to be sure that I take good care of myself.
Today, I will continue despite wanting to just be sitting back and relax from all of my work and endeavors. I want to take more time off and rest. But, my true sabbatical will come. And that is what I am truly looking forward to. I must practice the art of sabbatical.
Looking forward. Believing on. Not relinquishing.
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