When others ask me questions about how I am feeling, I am not sure what to say. In my experience, I thought that during the chemo days, people really wanted to know. But, do they really want to know? When is it a good time to be able to express my thoughts to someone when the time is really needful of that? I am learning to understand this more and more.
As I look back in retrospect, it was both a mixed blessing as well as a curse that I had shared. I look back and wonder why I could not have stayed home and survived this chemo by myself. No. That would have been a death sentence for me. I could not have been able to sit at home, endure what I had to endure. What upsets me now, after so long is that I get angry with myself for contacting people who really do not want to know what is going on. For example, PMB has indicated that "I have been at this for two years now". For a person in charge of spiritual leadership, it is a comment that is wicked and evil. The amount of guilt and anger that I bear because he did not want to know any more what was going on is just too hard at times. Is that my fault? No, but the feeling has been created. So much has happened during this past three years since the diagnosis. I can see how long, now, that I have been writing this blog. I am very pleased that I have started this and for others to understand that the dynamics behind the cancer patient are very involved. I am curious, to see just how other chemo patients have endured through all of their care and treatment. My support for all of this has dwindled.
I am looking. I am seeking. I am still hoping.
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