Today, my emotions are very rocky. I really do not know who to express these emotions to. This past couple of weeks, I have had the most tumultuous days. I have had the flu for nearly three weeks and my kiddo has been moved back into my home. After several months (nearly a year) of being in juvie and two foster homes, she is back. I had to ask my Pastor--why did my family have to suffer so much? I do not know. I may not ever know, but I do know one thing. The LORD has promised that all things work for good for those who love HIM. Simply put, that what happens for our destruction can and will be turned around. We must be willing to continue to keep things going on.
I am willing to keep things going on. This past couple of weeks, I have had the flu. I have had it really bad to the point that I have coughed so hard that the blood vessels in my cheeks had burst. It has been hard. I have to say. I have looked back at all of the words said, the things that have been suffered and I think of some of the futility of it all. But, it cannot be for futility. I have no regrets. Yes, it was hard to go through all of this. I know that what has happened has shaped me and made me into a person that I was supposed to be. But, to think that all of this had to happen. Many people had to hear my words. Many people had to hear what I had to say. Many people were confronted about what they did not do and what they should have done. But the most important thing that has confronted me is that many simply do not understand what they are to do to help out others. Will they walk across the street and avoid? Yes. Will they look the other way to not have to recognize what needs to be done? Yes. They will. Will this hurt? Yes it will and it is hard to accept every time. But that acceptance is here. Accepting what is necessary and needful.
Today, my feelings have been stirred up. I watched a movie that placed things in the most difficult light. I know that I have some very difficult topics that I need to discuss yet and the healing will come. I want that healing to come because there are many hurts involved. One, in particular, is the way others have viewed responsibility. This is something that I will not be able to grapple with for some time; but, I know that I will. I know that how I have been able to manage has been through necessity. This necessity has created a survival. I know that I have done little wrong. Today, I heard it said to me once again--it is not my fault. This tore me up. I know that this is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This just happened and things evolved from it.
Today, I heard something that I know I must be able to do and that is allow myself to heal. To let things go about how they went and to begin to heal. I am trying. I will be looking. And, I will be traveling in my heart to places where I have never been.
Traveling. Hoping. Believing. Reaching on.
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