Decisions

I have made a huge decision. I am going to have my hair buzzed. I asked G if he would do this for me and he said that it would be his honor. Another point of no return. While I have been getting tired of seeing my hair all over the apartment, I hate even more watching the hair fall out little at a time. I cannot wait for it to fall out completely and look like a straggly doll. I am going to have it buzzed completely. Now, what are people going to say. I really hate the looks and it is hard for me to put the walls up and just be hard about what is going on. Perhaps I should define something--it is the looks from people who know me more that irritates me. When I go to the store or the library, I do not get the same reception. J was very kool--"hey trooper". Wow, comforting. My "mister"--"hey beautiful". G--"it is good to see you". It is the open ended questions that are really pissing me off! I do not understand why people that I know will not just be in command of the moment and say something. Do not ask!!!! Just say something! "Hey stupid, your pants are dirty" Something! Not "glad that you could make it" so much that it would be good to use some wit or charm, or humor or something. I need that. "Tell me what you need" is not going to work. Do you really want to know what I need? Why not just say, "come here!" That is what the LORD says to me

Chemo is tomorrow. I feel ugly and used up. I will be facing dry cracked skin, bleeding nose, lethargy and nausea again. I will not have hair for a while. I have to remember--"hey beautiful". If no one is going to say it to me, I have to remind myself to say it to me.

While I was at the pharmacy tonight, I had the pleasure of talking to someone out of the blue. An elderly woman had shared with me that she and her daughter were both breast cancer survivors. I could have just cried. She shared with me the same things that I have experienced. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I am not looking forward to radiation. But I am looking forward to the end of all of this.

Now that I have taken the silly stomach pill for the chemo for tomorrow, I am really hungry. I hate steroids.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Going hairless.