The day after

Well, today has been much better. I woke up with a little more energy, but very uncertain about the after effects of what happened. I got up, got dishes done and then had to lie back down and take a nap. I was so tired. But, I had so much to do and get done. I have not been able to get any of my homework done and that has me a little stressed--but ok.

I saw one of my friends today at the Library--C! I was so happy to see him. We talked for a while about what has been going on. I showed him my head and he commended me on how well my round, bald head looked. Not many have seen my bare head, but I am happy to have shown him. We have been friends for so long and he is just a great guy. He told me that I almost ran him over one night! Oh crap! One of my friends? I always wave when I see him and he is just an easy going guy. He gave me some great news as well. We hugged twice! What an awesome time to get a double hug, especially when hugging means so much to me! Oh, how I have missed him.

My stomach is a little messed up, but for the most part, ok. I am looking forward to more sleep!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Hugging on!

Chemo changes

Today was one of the most difficult days that I have experienced ever! I had started the day out with G having a difficult day. He accidentally broke out his driver side window. Driving to the doc was cold but kinda fun. It reminded me of New York. I loved it! Yea, I truly did. When I was able to get to meet with Dr. B, I thought that I had received good news. We may possibly be working on just 4 chemo treatments instead of 6. He did say that he would look into that and figure it out.

Well, treatment started not too long after that. I was able to watch my movie that I had brought--A Walk in the Clouds. I have always loved that movie and was very happy to be able to watch it. After that was completed, I listened to my music for a while. I have to say that I am very happy that I have an MP3 player. I have more music to put on it and look forward to being able to have a more advanced one. But, for the most part, this is excellent and I will use it until it falls apart.

But then, when the next bag was hung, things began to change incredibly. I started to get a serious reaction and from that point, I was beginning to get hot and could not breathe. I had to say to the nurse that I was not feeling good at all. At that point, I had started to just feel myself slipping. I could remember hearing the nurses and the doc and was not able to interact with them. If passing out feels like this, then I sure did. My head and body felt as though the temperatures were rising high and getting higher. Then my chest felt as though it was being crushed--from the outside in. After the treatment stopped, and Benedryl was administered, it took me about a couple of hours to get coherent again. I slept from the Benedryl and needed to have about 3 warmed blankets on me to keep the chattery chills from staying. After relaxing for some more, I had asked about what the next course was going to be. I was told that the doc was willing to challenge me with the treatment at a slower drip. I had said no. I did not want to experience this same thing. I told the nurse to withdraw this from me and that I would come back for the next plan. So, my next appointment is scheduled for next week. I will be discussing with him my next step.

I was so scared from all of this. I still am. I was there by myself. When I had told G about what had happened, he was very scared. He had called me again tonight to see how I was doing. What do I say? He needs to be strong for me and I need others to be strong for me. When I had called my Pastor, I got a Wow! from him. I did not have the energy or the time to explain and just got off the phone quickly. I have had far too many melt-downs and nuclear explosions to go into another one. I simply told him that I would see him on Sunday.

I am looking forward to Sunday.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Leaning on.

Chemo #3

Today, I will be heading for the clinic for Chemo #3. This week has been especially difficult on me. As I head for more treatments, I have been experiencing more emotional peaks and valleys. I am becoming more familiar with the course of treatment, and I have more preparation for what is to come. This past weekend too, was full of anticipation of meeting up with someone that has been speaking horrible gossip about me around the church. When I had heard this viciousness, I was ready to physically create harm and to establish what kind of gossip was going to be acceptable. NONE!

Now, today is the day and Sunday is on the way. I will be bringing a DVD with me to treatment and will be doing my best to relax and to just put my feet up and prepare for completing homework and getting other paperwork ready for the clinic. I am tried and very tried in all of this. I have had my energy zapped more this past treatment. However, that was completely unexpected. I had had a house guest that did not want to leave. This was more angering and frustrating. I wanted to actually MOAB this person! Can you imagine that!?!

As I work to get things done, I pray that they can all be completed for the weekend. I will be taking Friday off from work and then back to work on Saturday and am planning to get everything done for my next set of homework. I am tired and very frustrated that I cannot get things completed on-time for what I want.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Working on.

Approaching Chemo #3

Well, I am looking at the next chemo treatment. I do realize that I am looking at the middle of the chemo now and it is coming right to the middle. I am not looking forward to this either way. I really hate chemo despite it all. I hate what I go through before--the anxiety and apprehension of the treatment--and then the side effects of it all. I do not like it. I was in tears all day Sunday and knowing that this is approaching gives me quite a bit of frustration. Too, I was talking to one of the guys at the church and did not realize just how much anger that I have about this approaching treatment. I really do not like to talk about it to people who have never been part of the treatment or the beginning of the whole thing. I chewed off the head of someone else and that was not OK. I will have to ask for his forgiveness. Yea, big guy too. I hate discussing this with anyone and hate discussing this when I think that it is going to be cast all around. I am not a fan of this. I really do not like to have a lot of questions asked of me. I do know, too, that my feelings of being walled up are still alive. For some of my peeps, I can get past this. But, I do not want a whole lot of questions asked or poked for information or prodded. I am working very hard at trying to get stay focused on this whole thing and it is very difficult and bothersome. I am looking forward to it getting a little easier. I would love for someone to come along and just be sitting with me. I do realize that it is too much to ask for. I have to do a good job at keeping it low key and covered up. There is only one person who has asked if they could come along but it turned out that this person took it upon themselves to tell another friend of mine about my ordeal--without my consent or my approval. I do not like having my decisions taken from me.

While I am getting prepared for this upcoming treatment, I am finding myself a little more compromised. I certainly hope that I can get to the end of this without loosing my mind. I do want to cry and cry and cry, but I do not want to loose control. Some think that it is fine to cry. I do not. I just simply cannot accept that crying so much is acceptable. When I cry like that, I feel very vulnerable and just laid barren without anyone to comfort or console me. If I cry that much, I would like someone to just hold me and allow me to cry, but I do realize that it will not be possible. So, I am doing my best to keep my emotions tightened up again. Sunday I was such a mess. I cried at the alter and then cried at the mere mention of how bad this year has been. I had to put my sunglasses on to keep others from noticing. Then! of course, someone had to approach me and ask if things were ok. HELL NO! Things are not ok. HELL NO! I am tired of going through this. Do people really want to hear about my "journey"? I do not perceive so. But what is the actual truth? People at the church ask and I think it is more because of being nosy. Sure, let's ask the bald gimp about things going on. Sure, let's ask the strange one about what is going on because we do not have anything else to chat about. SURE! Honestly, I would be amazed if I would see some at my doorstep. I have told my girl that if anyone did come to the door, I would not answer it. I simply cannot understand why some people act the way that they do. I simply cannot understand the way that some are so selfish and self-centered. Honestly, I don't think that there would be certain people that would even want to venture that way. Then again, I live on the third floor. Not many can make the stairs. You know your friends when they do come to the top floor.

I have heard many excuses and have been told many things. I am not excited when I hear what some people talk about. I am very pleased that I am keeping things quiet and keeping things to myself. But, I do have to keep my thoughts and feelings more tightly reigned. I need to cry away from others and not in front of people. I need to excuse myself when I feel that I am being compromised. I cannot simply accept that biting at people is ok. It is better if I just excuse myself and just look busy.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Busying on.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! Well, I am looking at the end of the year coming to an end and I am so excited about this. I worked graveyard on the eve and I am thoroughly exhausted. What I am so frustrated about these days is that the help that I wish I had at home is not there. I work multiple jobs, go to school and am undergoing treatment. I come home and I have to cook and clean and to keep it together for the little one's sake. The messes are constant and I can never seem to be able to stay on top of it. I need to keep the house clean to keep infection or infectious things away--vectors of disease. I came home from work, woke the kiddo up and we opened gifts. Then I went to bed for a couple of hours only to be woken up again in a couple of hours to the loud music from the kiddo. Then I went down again to sleep and the downstairs neighbor's guest was yelling "Merry Christmas" at the top of his lungs. How fair is this? I am thoroughly exhausted. Then, after getting up with just 3 or so hours of sleep, I have to clean the apartment again! I had cleaned yesterday before laying down and going to work. I am up again cleaning. The only thing that the kiddo could say at dinner was "are you going to make rolls?" How tired do I need to be? Could I get some help from someone trustworthy and not worrying about what will be discussed? What is ever so angering is that I do not appear as though I am really all that exhausted or compromised. I am very grateful that the LORD has taken good care of me. So, when I heard the mocking of things this week, I was fuming. My kiddo cannot handle me having any meltdowns and I have to be careful how I talk with her. Almost a denial of sorts.

Who can really handle all of this? I know that discussing things with my Pastor has helped. We have a new year ahead of us and I will be leaning more upon him. I will be needing some help as well. I will have to see about hiring someone to help out with the housework. I am praying for this.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Looking forward.

Looking at a new day

I am looking at a new day. This is just being a stange one. I tried to get a posting published but the system gliched and I lost the whole thing. Oh well.

I spoke with my "sista" today and we had a great conversation. I have been looking at my emotions again and it is nice to see that my thoughts are quite valid. She did validate for me that the emotions that I have been experiencing are quite ok and that she would feel the same thing if things were reversed and on her. I have had a very interesting week of being told some very interesting things. Certainly, not many are going to understand what I am going through. Unless a person actually has had this happen to them, they are not going to understand not wanting to be touched, hugged, encroached upon or wanting to have any type of conversation. Earlier this week, I had spoken to someone at my mother church regarding these matters. This person told me about someone who had gone through breast cancer as well and just stayed home away from the judgment and the thoughts of others. I can understand and relate. However, I would just die from no interaction. I might need to get the CD of the service and listen to it. I do not know if I could. But, there are days that I would love to just hide and not be seen. But I love going to church. I know that this has been a particular battle for me.

I have noticed something very common about breast cancer survivors---their attitude. I have been told that the attitude makes all the difference in the world. I have been told this from four women already. Two have been nurses, one an employee at my oncologist office and my sista. I do appreciate that very much. I do have the moxy for this. I do have the nards for it! I plan on being around for a very, very, very long time. But, most importanly, I am determined to get the information out to people that they are not alone and no one should make you feel less than what you are.

We must stand up and say that we are beautiful. We must stand up and say that we are wanted, desired and needed. We must stand up and declare that this will not stop our determination.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Being determined.

Beginning of the new week

Today is the beginning of the new week. This past week, I have been so exhausted from everything. I have not been able to get the quality of sleep that I have been hoping to get. I have found that I am a bit more dizzy and I am waking up with a chemo headache. I have four more treatments! I hate this! I really hate this!

This weekend I had been told by YET! another person--"I did not know!" Yea, like I had any intention of letting everyone know. This really makes me feel small and getting smaller. I really do not want a whole lot of people know because of the problems that happens when too many people know--they talk and it just turns and changes. Do I need to put it in the church bulletin? How about I just put it in the newspaper! So, now the mookie-mookie is going to commence. "AH! poor dear!" So much for privacy! Shot down the flippin' commode. I am supposed to feel good about it? I do not get it. So, with four more treatments, it is going to be interesting. Then the radiation will begin. That is going to be interesting. I need to know who I can touch. I know the children will be off limits. And some elderly will be off limits. I am very curious to see how this is going to be all over the church. I just wonder. At times, I really regret telling anyone. I really hate that some things cannot just be quiet. I would do anything to prevent people from looking at me differently or coming up to me and try to make nice. I really hate "making nice". Why should I feel this way? I really feel very uncomfortable about everyone fussing over this, but even more so that I do not care for everyone to know. That really gets me.

On another note: my mouth feels so much better and my nose does as well. I am getting ready to mend to get ready again for the next treatment on the 30th. Oh, this is just yippee skippee!

Another thing that really gets me is what others' perspective of what kind of woman I am supposed to be. I am a straight woman who wears steel-toed boots for work and like my dungarees. Now, because of the doo-rag, I get the looks. I am very tired of the looks and the comments and the well-wishing persons. I was actually told things about the kind of woman I am supposed to be. At church Sunday, I really got the comments about how well I looked. What the? Yea, I am already feeling ugly from no hair, covering my hands from chemo-dry skin, bundling up to stay warm, keeping the lotion on, dry, ulcerated mouth and lips and I feel like the ugliest thing ever. Then? I just do not get it. We women like to be told that we look beautiful and accepted and well desired. This past few weeks have made me feel anything less than that. But, I do not want to share that with anyone because I am tired of everything. So, anyone who reads the blogs may understand. I am getting more and more adverse to "sharing" about things that will not make a whole lot of difference. Thank goodness for the blog. I am getting to the point of a conditional share.

Four more treatments to go and then radiation. I need your strength LORD!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Ready on.

A day

Well, this is Friday. I am having a lousy week of emotions and chemo "stuff". I have started the week out with crying and rolling temperament. I was told this week that my sister-in-law is going through the diagnostics for a mass in her breast. When she told me this I had just gotten so frightened for her. Knowing that this nightmarish ordeal might be her experience really has created some emotion in me. So far, her diagnostics has indicated that there is nothing seriously wrong. She is waiting for the test results to come in next week. I am so eager and anxious to hear about it.

Too, this week has brought even more headache and heartache. I know that I have been told some very interesting things with respect to this cancer, but what I have been told last weekend has hit my emotions very hard. Certainly, understanding the person who told me this aids in the fact that ignorant comments are just common-day. Nonetheless, it is still something that I plan never to hear.

Yesterday, my energy level hit an all-time high. I was so wound up from so much energy that I did not know how to deal with it. All I could say was "chemo day". When I have days like this, it makes me feel like a whirling dervish without cause or direction. Since the school term has started, I have been overwhelmed with so much work around the place and this crazy energy. I am going to bed later and getting up at the same time. I have been experiencing more headache and not getting the amount of rest needed. I must focus and bide my time more carefully.

My goals for the week are to get more into the dojo. I am planning more sparring and to get my tension reduced. I will be saying "no" more this week and will be working on things at home more. This week, too, I am planning to get back into running. I have been able to get more physical activity going and I am going to be getting ready for more. I want to get past this horrible week and plan on tackling it the way that I have always done.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.

Second Chemo

Well, this has been turning out much better than what I had expected. I am hungry, still a little nauseous but quite ok. I was able to eat this afternoon and I feel fantastic. I am very tired but that will pass. I have quite a bit of homework to get done tonight and am looking forward to getting it all done.

So far: my skin looks really good. My hands look great and my skin is ok. I have the chemo mouth and that is ok. I have to remember not to eat anything hot and to drink lots of water and fluids. I have been in the bathroom several times with just flush and it is driving me nuts. My nose is ok. I have some dry skin in the nostrils, but I hope that I will not be bleeding anytime soon.

When I slept last night, it was rocky and I tossed some. I was so tired and hot that I was uncomfortable. I am looking forward to having some more normalcy again and am looking forward to moving forward and not just side-sloshing things.

Now, I have heard this from two people--cancer is a lonely diagnosis. You got that right. While I am excited that things are moving along better, I am looking forward to no one knowing what has happened to me and keeping my privacy. I have had the weekend of "mookie-mookie" and it is quite irritating. I cannot help but to think that if no one knew what was going on, I would not have had to worry about everyone being so "out of the way" nice to me. I cannot stand this. I have been told that I need to "soften" too. Sure! Why? I am comfortable in my own skin with who I am; I do not like the cancer, but that is mostly cured. I am looking forward to not having anyone remember this situation so I can be just the person that is there at church and the person that is me. Yea, I love every moment of being unique. But, why is it that I have to be someone else's idea of a "woman". Ha! the more that some people push, the more I will rebel. I like to change people's paradigm. Who cares what I wear or do? Yea, that hit a nerve. I have a lot of them open anymore. Why is it that someone else's paradigm has to be the rule? It is not mine.

But! I did get the encouragement that I was hoping and praying for. I got it!!! To hear it made my weekend. I am very tired and I need to keep my tongue short and heavy to not say things that might offend. I will be on the lookout for that.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking on.

What a day

What a day! A Chemo day for certain. I have a chemo flush and my mouth, skin and my body is starting to show the first 72 hours of treatment again. But! I got my homework completed and I will have a lot of work to get done on my papers as well. I am so tired.

I have been in the bathroom all day. Feels like a UTI working but this better not be. I am working hard to flush but it just makes things more frustrating. I want to sleep and I have not taken any of the steroids. I have been been up for nearly 48 hours with only a handful of hours to sleep. The steroids are just bugging me something terrible.

I will be getting a hold on all of this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Sleeping on?

The next day

Had another night of chemo and steroids. I did not sleep very well last night and I know that I will be having a long and difficult day of being tired and not being able to rest. Then, I woke up to the chemo nose!!! The smells in the apartment are going to drive me batty!! I realize today will be a day where chores and everything have to be done. This is just the biggest pain in the rump. If I bend over too much, I will be needing to stay on the floor and compose myself. That might be interesting--I will be able to start my exercise program again. Hmmmm

I was told that when my legs start to hurt, I can take the same steroids every 12 hours. NO THANKS!!! I can just take some pain reliever and bear with the discomfort. This is just a little much to be that wound up for it all.

I am wearing the bandannas today and will be wearing them to stay warm. There are some people who have been telling me to wear a wig! Oh NO NO NO!!! No wig here. I will bear it all!

Pressing on. Pressing on. Bearing it all!

Point of no return

This morning G came and brought his clippers and took care of my hair. It was something that I did need to have done because I was watching my hair come out and I had not control of it. I was able to pull it out myself and watching it like a torture trick was harder than I wanted to say. By shaving it, I have the control of it now. Sure there will be some things that will not be the same, but I have a bunch of stress off my shoulders. I had also showed everyone at the clinic my new look and I got a lot of encouragement from that. Now, my close circle of friends. I went over to T's house and she was very amazed. She was supportive. We shall see how things will be otherwise for work and for church. My boss is away from work on vacation and I wonder how things are going to be when she sees me with no hair.

I had shown Dr. B and he was happy with this as well. It is good that there are many receptive persons in this. I feel like I am walking on egg shells for some people. I know that there are many that cannot handle this and I have to choose my battles. I have to toughen up a little to be sure that some people's reactions are not going to bother me. I cannot help it. I feel like I am chartering in some rocky waters again and I need to be very prepared for the journey.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Chartering on.

Decisions

I have made a huge decision. I am going to have my hair buzzed. I asked G if he would do this for me and he said that it would be his honor. Another point of no return. While I have been getting tired of seeing my hair all over the apartment, I hate even more watching the hair fall out little at a time. I cannot wait for it to fall out completely and look like a straggly doll. I am going to have it buzzed completely. Now, what are people going to say. I really hate the looks and it is hard for me to put the walls up and just be hard about what is going on. Perhaps I should define something--it is the looks from people who know me more that irritates me. When I go to the store or the library, I do not get the same reception. J was very kool--"hey trooper". Wow, comforting. My "mister"--"hey beautiful". G--"it is good to see you". It is the open ended questions that are really pissing me off! I do not understand why people that I know will not just be in command of the moment and say something. Do not ask!!!! Just say something! "Hey stupid, your pants are dirty" Something! Not "glad that you could make it" so much that it would be good to use some wit or charm, or humor or something. I need that. "Tell me what you need" is not going to work. Do you really want to know what I need? Why not just say, "come here!" That is what the LORD says to me

Chemo is tomorrow. I feel ugly and used up. I will be facing dry cracked skin, bleeding nose, lethargy and nausea again. I will not have hair for a while. I have to remember--"hey beautiful". If no one is going to say it to me, I have to remind myself to say it to me.

While I was at the pharmacy tonight, I had the pleasure of talking to someone out of the blue. An elderly woman had shared with me that she and her daughter were both breast cancer survivors. I could have just cried. She shared with me the same things that I have experienced. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I am not looking forward to radiation. But I am looking forward to the end of all of this.

Now that I have taken the silly stomach pill for the chemo for tomorrow, I am really hungry. I hate steroids.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Going hairless.

Revelations

After quite a fantastic day, I am very pleased with some outcomes. For the first time ever!!! I have felt that I am glad that I am going through this. Today, one of my friend's daughters and I had a very good heart-to-heart. This young lady has been in a state of crisis for some time trying to decide what she wants to do with her barely teen-age life. She did not know about my cancer and I took opportunity to share with her some very bold and brazen things. I have experienced being treated as a leper and an outcast. I have been abandoned by some friends and left to just fare on my own. I have had to rely upon my own resources and have had very difficult and rocky days. Welcome to cancer! Other people's denial has been quite the interesting fact in my life and being faced with telling some people about their job and standing up and doing the right thing is important. I let this young lady know that it is all worth it for her to stop being so "damn stupid". Taking good care of yourself and very important and that to prevent these things is to stop with the stupid lifestyle. We are all beautiful and what we do can take that beauty away. We should not have our beauty taken away.

I am facing loosing my hair and that is an excellent mark for anyone to see if it means that some will learn from it. I have experienced the deepest of angst and anguish in all of this; but, it is all worth it if it means that others will stop being "stupid". I told her that as I begin radiation, I will not be able to touch many people. I may not be able to touch her. I would not be able to touch pregnant women and this just adds to me being treated and being made to feel like a leper.

It is worth it if it means that there are those who will learn and listen.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Teaching on.

Changes

Well, I do not know what it is about my cat that really loves to cuddle under the blankets with me, but she seems to really be snuggling around my head and the surgical area. I know that my service animals in my "folks'" homes can really be sensitive towards needs; this is very interesting. She is really drawn toward my body and I find it very comforting. I wake up to purring, and I go to bed to the sound of purring. It is a little frustrating that she decides to bathe herself just when I am trying to sleep. I still ache a little bit at the surgical area and I am trying very carefully not to overdo it. I wonder what that really means. What does "overdo" actually mean?

So, after work, I went over to the hair salon and got my hair cut. What a funny thing. I am noticing that I am thinning out more. Ok! Gotta wrap my head around that. I have purchased a new hat and some fingerless gloves. I told her that I was needing to go a little shorter this time so I can be ready for her next hair cut. Although, I might not have a whole lot of hair to trim then. Hmmm--very interesting.

I still have my migraine but that is ok. I took some migraine meds (OTC) and hopefully that will work. I made a strong cup of coffee as well and am looking forward to some relief. I really am looking forward to relief. Relief!

My skin seems to be improving as well. I must remember to keep hydrated. My stylist and her associate have said that my skin looks great. So far, everything that I have been doing has been right. Hydration, lotion and keeping my gloves on. I love my fingerless gloves. I am hoping that when summer comes, I can find some equivalents. I hope by then, things will be much better. Remember to hydrate! and supplements!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Hydrating on!

Reaching

So, today was an interesting day. I am very tired today from my migraine and still on top of my responsibilities. I have a load of paperwork to complete and I am procrastinating. I know that I have to get this done. I wonder how much larger my shoulders need to be to get all of this done. The housework is never ending, of course. The pile of responsibilities never go away. But today, I had a small gift. Just like my "mister" client, my "lady" client was singing along to Christmas music in my rig; the music was turned up and we both sang along. Sometimes when the heart is heavy and laden with so much, the smallest things can pick me up. "Hello beautiful" was one of those that could only have been from the LORD. Today, singing to the most wonderful music this time of year was melody. I am glad that a comfort zone has been established.

Today, I was asked to remove my hat. I do not know how this is going to continue if I loose my hair and have to wear a cap. If I loose my hair, I hope that it is after the new year. I do not want this particular individual to go into crisis over the fact that I am sick. This is hard. At least this bruise has gone away and the next one is to be established. I have been wearing long sleeve shirts to cover my arms in case there is another event of bruising. It was nothing for the other family to see it and they understand and accept me regardless. This is hard. I never realized the amount of worry, rejection and fear others have. I still have a friend that has not spoken to me since all of this has started. However!!! I did see my other friend. She wanted to know how things were and I did express to her some detail. But, how can I share weeks of this to her in a matter of five minutes? I cannot and choose not. I hate being told "you're in my thoughts". Please! What does that mean?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Wondering on. Wandering on?