Today has been a very quiet day. I have been working all day from one assignment to the other. I like assignments like that. I will be working the weekend as well and keeping very busy. I really like that. But, what comes my way is a lot of hard work and some solitude. I can handle that. I am realizing more and more that quiet and solitude will last until all of this is done. I am left with feelings in which others do not and cannot understand. I have worked hard to reach out for communication and I realize all that much more that I this is my journey and mine alone. I know that "many people" want to help. I am realizing more and more that I do not want to make others uncomfortable by what I am going through. Some people need to feel uncomfortable to get them out of their "zones" but this energy is not mine to expend. I am very tired. I am looking forward to getting back to what I am familiar with and to just get my priorities in order and to choose them wisely.
Now, this has been several days past chemo and I am very hungry and tired at the same time. I have eaten well today and I need some sleep. I have been eager to eat some chocolate and to have a cup of coffee, but I am very leery about that. So far, the chemo side effects have not hit. I am expecting them to very soon. I have been noticing that my eyelashes are thinning and my eyebrows have thinned quite a bit. I cannot wait for the last chemo to be done! I am looking forward to looking my normal bit and to be ready to look better. My physical appearance may look good, but the changes that my body has gone through is something else. I feel as though I will never be the same. In many aspects, I will never be the same. I am glad too! But, what others see me as and what I see me as are going to be forever changed. I need to accept that and regardless of how comforted I might not feel, there should be little matter. I need to continue to press on and to seek order where there appears to be no order. I am tired and I am looking forward to some semblance of order.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking on.
I am glad to hear that you are almost done with Chemo...just one more to go :) You are handling every thing so well. That's maybe why people don't understand! You look well, every thing seems to go well, but deep inside is another story. Keep your focus on people who are sincere and want help and keep on praying. I know you are a prayer warrior! You are awesome, remember that!!! Take care 'coz I care.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I have worked very hard to keep myself looking well and with the GRACE OF GOD I am able to do this. It is not easy and I know that when this is all done and over with, I will be able to take a deep breathe and PRAISE GOD! I want to give back! Pay it forward!
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