Another beat goes on

Well, this morning was interesting. Seems that some things never get old. So, the kiddo says to me more "bla bla bla". The teen-age shows that I hate just get to me. The logic of a teen just escapes me at times. I would love to be able to get past some of these things without saying anything but it just does not happen. I am working on chemo #6 next week and that should be my last one. I am not looking forward to more chemo but I am glad that it is coming to a close end. I am tired. I am tired of the whole bit that makes me feel so strange and so much of an outsider. I can say that some people really do understand what I am going through. This is hard. This is another beat that must go on because the choices are small. Go on or go out. I cannot go out. I must go on. I have so much to do in a day and that is just part of it all. I must find a way to continue. Radiation therapy will continue quickly after chemo and I am going to be choosy about who I tell about the chemo. I do not want many if anyone to know that I am going through this. It will be good to be treated like a part of the "crew" again and the judgment will be less. I hope. Hopefully, the feelings of people needing to not talk to me will change. If not, then I can continue on and bear with the rest of the journey. I will have this all said and done by July. That really is not all that far away. I am looking forward to seeing this done and out of the way so that I can have a normal life once again. Whatever that was. This ordeal has been just that. I have been blessed in so many ways and I have been bruised in so many ways.

I do have to say that I am glad for some things being stirred up. I am looking forward to having the manner of like moving on without some of this headache. I see things in a different manner and my time is used for so many other things. I am happy that it is. I can see that there are things that are trivial. But, this is not trivial. I am still looking forward to just some relaxation and so fun to be had. I am looking forward to getting back to my regular life of stuff and keeping some things secret and hidden again. I am looking forward to people not knowing what is going on in my life and for it to be just a matter of when I had some difficult days.

One person really comes to mind from church though. I have had so many difficult days of crying and breaking down that I just have hated for things to be the way they are. I know that I do not want to be isolated for the random hugs. That is something that I do not care for. I know that I am working diligently on many things. But, I do not care for anyone to just randomly come up to me and give me a hug. I really do not care for random people, who have never been invested in all of this, to come up to me and just ask about things when they have no clue as to what is going on. If they have not been there at the beginning, it makes little to no difference where they are at this point. There have been people that have been there at the beginning and are not there now. I really hate it when I am told "I am sorry that I have not been there for you". And it continues.

I am facing the last chemo. The last of the sore body, sores in my mouth, soreness to swallowing, the indigestion and the burning. I am looking forward to hair!!!!! I am looking forward to my body recovering from the chemo so I can travel and be around larger groups of people. I am looking forward to the fact that no one will know what is going on. I hate my life being on display.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Moving on.

Things just continue to happen

Have I said how much I hate chemo? This has interfered with my life in so many different ways that I just cannot begin to say. Today was a repeat of just things that have been going on since the very beginning. Because I look so good after chemo, it is hard to imagine that I need help, or company, or anything else supportive. No one seems to think that I need any kind of help or support--emotional or physical. Chemo #5 has come and gone and I am facing #6 not too much longer. My body hurts and I am just looking forward to some adult time. But, like I have contended from the beginning, adult time does not belong to me. The responsibility of others is just escaping me.

This morning before service, my kiddo decides to pull something stupid on me. "I am tired" she says. Well, what am I? Again and again it is thrown up at me that I have to talk to people about things. She just does not get it. I was happy to keep all of this to myself and get through this without anyone knowing. I really regret telling anyone anything because I still get to sit by and watch everyone just "you're in my thoughts" responses. My body hurts. I am looking at housework by myself. I am looking at long days by myself.

This chemo has really screwed with me in so many ways that I cannot say. I have to be delegating my time around everything that I do. I cannot stand too long after chemo because it tears up my energy level. But the strange thing is that exercising through it has been saving me. I really hate it! I really, really do. And when everyone asks me "how are you doing", I just cannot figure out what to say. "How do you think that I am doing?" "Do you really want to know?" Another G says that I should just say "I am fine, and thank you for asking" and leave it at that. I am going to have to figure out a way to say it with a convincing face. Radiation will be starting soon and I have to figure out life through that for 33 treatments. I do not know how I am going to get through that. This just gets better and better.

Pushing on. Pressing on. What to do on?

What may come my way

Today has been a very quiet day. I have been working all day from one assignment to the other. I like assignments like that. I will be working the weekend as well and keeping very busy. I really like that. But, what comes my way is a lot of hard work and some solitude. I can handle that. I am realizing more and more that quiet and solitude will last until all of this is done. I am left with feelings in which others do not and cannot understand. I have worked hard to reach out for communication and I realize all that much more that I this is my journey and mine alone. I know that "many people" want to help. I am realizing more and more that I do not want to make others uncomfortable by what I am going through. Some people need to feel uncomfortable to get them out of their "zones" but this energy is not mine to expend. I am very tired. I am looking forward to getting back to what I am familiar with and to just get my priorities in order and to choose them wisely.

Now, this has been several days past chemo and I am very hungry and tired at the same time. I have eaten well today and I need some sleep. I have been eager to eat some chocolate and to have a cup of coffee, but I am very leery about that. So far, the chemo side effects have not hit. I am expecting them to very soon. I have been noticing that my eyelashes are thinning and my eyebrows have thinned quite a bit. I cannot wait for the last chemo to be done! I am looking forward to looking my normal bit and to be ready to look better. My physical appearance may look good, but the changes that my body has gone through is something else. I feel as though I will never be the same. In many aspects, I will never be the same. I am glad too! But, what others see me as and what I see me as are going to be forever changed. I need to accept that and regardless of how comforted I might not feel, there should be little matter. I need to continue to press on and to seek order where there appears to be no order. I am tired and I am looking forward to some semblance of order.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking on.

More than just what I have

I know that I have said this many times, but I want to be more than just existing. Usually around chemo, I experience the most emotions with respect to this journey. I have just completed 5/6 treatments and I am getting so excited that they are almost done. I am experiencing a lot of anger and resentment at the aspect that I have little help. Yes, my teen helps some, but that is not her primary responsibility. It stresses her out as well. I am angry because I remember asking for help when this all started. I remember saying how much I "DID NOT" want to go through this alone and this is what it has been. ALONE! What more can a person take when the emotions are so rocky from chemo and it is blamed on "my emotionalism". OF COURSE! I am emotional and isn't that all the more reason to help out? What did I do to deserve no help? I get angry, bitter and resentful and have to pray harder to have that lifted.

I have been told that I am strong and that I do not look like someone going through chemo. Well, I have to say, I have no choice. I cannot roll over and just allow this to happen to me; but I do know that I am very tired of no help. I am working some weeks 6 days a week and I am tired. I have had long days of sleeplessness because of surgery, or chemo or death in the family--in which, I got no condolences whatsoever. How much more can I take? The longest day that I have put in thus far was 54 hours of no sleep because of work and the death of my Aunt. How much can a person take? I did not get any recognition that she had even passed away. She was closer to me than my own mother and this has hurt so deeply that I cannot say. But, Caren is strong and Caren is supposed to keep things together. I look forward to some help.

Soon, radiation will start and from there, I have no idea what to expect. I know that I can keep going to work and that the radiation will not affect my clients. That is very kool because I cannot afford to take work off. But, I am afraid of the prospect that I will not want to be touched even more. I do not know how this will be. I know that when my family came to see us last month, it was awesome. I told my cousin to never stop touching me. This whole ordeal has been so long and hard and I cannot say how I have felt and how I have had to keep it to myself. I am thankful that I have started this blog. I am thankful that I can vocalize myself and not have any concerns from others that I am thinking the wrong things or that I should just suck it up or that I am seeking pity.

I can honestly say that the outcome to all of this will make me a better person and professional. I want to be able to reach out to others who need. I want to perfect my recipes and get my cookbook done. I want to be able to be the best Public Health Professional that I can for the best of the community. I want to be able to have a place in my church where I can be the best servant. I am working hard on that.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.

Approaching Chemo #5

I have had a very long week thus far. I am preparing myself for my fifth chemo treatment and the horrible side effects of this new one. Although I have not tossed my cookies, I am not thrilled at the prospect of being that tired and exhausted again with very little help. I am not looking forward to the loneliness of sitting in my home, watching tv and waiting for the time to pass. Why am I so uptight about this? No one has really been there all this time to come by. I have to ask for it instead of it just happening. I need to get a grip and accept this fact and that I should not hold on to the aspect of the disappointment. I must continue to press forward regardless of what I am going through.

I have been working to get through the term as well. I have contacted my school to let them know that I need to withdraw from the term. I got behind the weekend that S spent the weekend, I have been behind. I have been wrestling with this for such a long time. This person is the only person who has absolutely no clue about what is going on. There is no understanding about how tired I am or just how spent that I can be from just sitting up and talking to anyone. Yet, there is always some kind of demand and emotional need for communication and for something to do. At times, I really have regretted telling anyone about this. I hate the attention and the questions. I especially do not care for everyone to know every personal detail about me. When I am with S in just getting out and about, there is a need and demand to talk about so much personal stuff. I really do not care for it.

I do realize that these days are hard and that "people just want to help". I do not see that. I do understand the human aspect of interaction and engagement. But, while I am going through this, I do not like to try to navigate through the emotional mess. This upcoming treatment has me reflecting much like the other treatments. I have to say that I am excited about getting past the last treatment. Looking back at the first one, it has seemed that this has been an eternity. I have had so many emotional days and meltdowns that I just hate what this chemo has done to me. I hate this chemo more than anyone can ever know and I am glad that it will be done. I have never questioned so much in my entire life other than when I have had to address my own mortality. I have passed out, had all the icky side effects, other than tossing my cookies, the exhaustion and the feelings of just being separated from others. I do not care how I have been treated. My body is forever scarred and my emotional heart has been sent through hell and torment. I am looking forward to being so much more than I used to be.

I can say that in many ways I am a better woman. I have grown to know more about me and to learn to trust some key persons. I am all that more determined to not be like some others and that when it is time for me to really get into full swing about my career, I will be the person that I wanted others to be for me. I know that I can only initiate some change and that change has to begin with me.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Initiating on.

Enter the weekend

Sometimes weekends feel like "enter the dragon" more than anything else. This weekend, I worked again. I am very tired and my migraine that I have had for the past week has been just unbearable. This has created more of confusion and challenge than anything else. I have not been able to concentrate on things like I should; however, I have gotten it done. This started Friday of last week and just started to take momentum to what I have now. I would love to be able to have some coffee right now but this chemo has messed up my stomach more. Although I have not tossed my cookies, I can tell that some foods are more aggravating than others. No, I have not taken an pills to help with being able to have some coffee. I would just rather not drink the coffee and be able to naturally manage. I have had some chamomile tea though and that has been good for me. Why I did not think of that before, I am not sure. Looks like tea is going to be my forte!

The house is cleaner. I now am down to the adult kitties and I am very pleased with that. The bill for cat food and liter will be a lot less. Too, having to worry about the "cat scratch fever" is lessened and I am not going to be so anxious about the clean up. I have to say that the noise is a lot lessened and the excitement of having these little critters is gone. It is amazing how so many people just do not get it. It should not matter if anyone understands cancer treatment; it is important that people offer a helping hand about what they need to do to help. That is the thing that gets me the most and I have to learn to get over that. I have to accept that the help will not be here like I would like it to. I have to prioritize my day to get the most out of it. This includes my computer and tv time. I do not spend as much anymore on the tv and I have been working on many things on my computer. I am reminded about how structured my days were when the little one was born. I feel that I need to get back to that kind of structure to survive.

Today, I have slept quite a bit. I have been able to rest, but it seems that the more that I lie down, the more tired that I am. I know that I am long overdue for some rest. I am working hard to get caught back up and to get ready for the next term. I am tried and tired. Seems that they should be on the same page, but that is what I am. Tried and tired. I am hoping to get that kind of structure again.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.

I hate this loneliness

One of the most angering things that I have been experiencing for the longest time is the loneliness. I really do not care for the excuses that some people use regarding why they cannot help. Today, something my Lady had said to me about her son and why he cannot help out with the care of his father that really hit me--he says that he wants to help but when asked, refuses. She has more family than I do and I get no help whatsoever in my daily activities. But, I, a chemo patient, can help a dementia patient. They treat me like family; I know that I am not. But, I am accepted for the bald-headed freakazoid that I am. I hate that I do not get any help at all. When I get home, I have to drag myself home to get things done. If I mention anything to the kiddo, there is a warming for a meltdown. I have to keep things to myself and not mention anything at all. This angers me so much. I am supposed to be working on my own health, but I do not have anyone that will listen to what I have to say about not getting help. Somehow, it turns out that it is my fault for turning people away. "But mom, so many people want to help." Sure, pardon my resentment and my doubt that anyone wants to help. If that was the case, where are they? One gal says that she is available to help, but I have to go and get her. When I am tired, why would I want to drive to get anyone. Why is it that I am the one that has to pick that person up.

I do not get it. I am very tired, angry and jealous that others can get help, but I cannot. I work hard for myself and to keep my things going. And I am criticized for thinking that my home is too clean. Hardly! I have five cats still, and I am the only one taking care of things. What am I to do? Where do I go to get the help? I am criticized for what I think and I have to give an explanation as to why I am feeling the way that I am. I hate that. Why is it that I just cannot have a meltdown, and it be ok? Why do I have to protect others' feelings? I do not know.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Feeling on.

Moving on to more

For the most part, this week has been very long. I have been experiencing some uncomfortable side effects from the new chemo. However, I have not tossed my cookies at all. I simply refuse to loose them. But, I am noticing that coffee and chocolate irritate my stomach more. I have a burning sensation to my throat that is annoying when I have too much in my stomach or when I have a cup of coffee. That is ok. I do not need to have any coffee at this point in time. I do realize that I am more tired from things when I am like this--no coffee! I am going to work on this very much. I wonder what kind of caffeine that I will be able to take in that is not coffee? What kinds of tea may I drink that will be ok? I am looking forward to more--I have a lot of energy. I am looking forward to my stomach feeling much better. But, I have to realize that I only have 6 more weeks of chemo and then from this point, I will be entering radiation. I do not have any idea what to expect in this regard. I am "excited". Can I use that with respect to chemo? In the meantime, I have been quite full of so much. I have been discussing more about my chemo with some at church. But, I cannot help fighting the feeling of just "small talk". Not many really want to know, but I am beginning to understand more and more about how this looks to other people. My attitude about this all has changed and I am not in any way concerned about how others think abuot this. I have been learning that this is just my issue and not anyone else's. To some degree things do bother me and I am learning to bury some things. I am also working hard at not letting my tears out. I do not like the tears and I do not care for others to see it. I have never been a one that likes to express a whole lot of emotion. But some things can be fun. For example, there is a couple at the church that have been so available for many things. It was funny--I did not realize that N thought that I was on steroids when I walk. Ha! I walk for many reasons but not because of the steroids. I do not take any! The reason I walk is because I have so much anxiety in me and that I have emotions that I do not want to express outwardly. It is better to just pull myself outside and then to walk. If I feel caged and do not want to be touched or approached, it is easy to escape outside and to walk. I look forward to someone to walk with and to pray with. I hope that this will come soon enough. I really could use the assist. I will pray that it will come.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Praying on.