So this is Friday

I feel like this is a Bruce Lee movie--Enter the Dragon. Although my zodiac sign is a scorpion and I was born in the year of the dragon, this seems very fitting to be feeling like this. This week has been crazy--pure and simple. I was told by my doc that I have been thrown into menopause. Oh, that makes a whole lot of sense in things. I can understand the feelings that have been so rocky and so crazy. I wonder what I look like to others. Well, today, I was told one thing--now I know. I have so many more questions and yet, my target seems lost once again. I am looking forward to this target staying still.

I was told today that my behavior is turning people away. That makes a whole lot of sense. I am the type of person that will avoid others if that is what really is going on. I will avoid others because of the perception of what things "might" be going on. I certainly do not want others to be felt obligated to be anything other than what they are; however, these days are very difficult and I am not willing to just lie back. I have been told about others who have had breast cancer that they did avoid certain people because of the judgment and the comments that have been made. I am reaching that point very quickly. I am reaching that point where the emotions will be just fine at home and not pressing on to others about how I feel. I have always understood from my work that this is a normal response to when someone feels "ugly or unwanted". I have been with my "folks" when they have felt that they need to be separated because of how others have made them feel. Now, I am on the other side of things. This is how I feel right now. I do not want to sound like a defeatist; however, I can understand the point of "what is the use". The harder that I push, the more difficult it becomes. The more difficult it becomes, the harder I become. I have gotten to that point once again. I feel myself getting harder and I almost enjoy it. My defense mechanisms are up and I am not enjoying that others are just that selfish or ignorant. However, this is the general population. There is a small percent of people who are very sympathetic to events like this. Where are they? Can I come and visit?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Visiting on.