And it follows along

So, today was an interesting day. I had to get so much done that I figured that I would start from point zero and just make the loop. For the past several days, I have had so much heartburn from chemo. I have had coffee and chocolate this week and I have been regretting it since. This has been tiring me out quite a bit. I was so glad that Friday had come that I was absolutely giddy. I was able to sleep in with a couple of hours to relax and then got ready for the day. I was able to eat a decent breakfast of french toast and eggs. They were absolutely wonderful. I used honey on the toast which helped my throat. I have had a very bad sore throat for several days now and it has been bothering me some. I know that it is chemo and that I am not coming down with anything. I am experiencing all of the chemo side effects--bad throat, nose hurts, headache, tiredness, lethargy. I have not been so nauseous that I have gotten sick. I absolutely refuse to do so. However, I am very careful not to overload my stomach. I am going to need to get back to my trusty warm milk and honey with my coffee and make it light. I love my coffee, but I do have to be very careful. Without coffee, I am very tired and cannot get to things. Plus, a caffeine headache is not what I want at this point.

I am working to keep the water going. I have been sipping on water this entire time of chemo and it has been very helpful. I have to be very careful about the amount though. Too much water on my stomach can do the same thing. Just the same, all appears like it is going through the same course. The first few days after this new chemo drug was the pits.

Too, this week has brought me more headache than what I would like to have. I have been having to address things at the school and that has been taxing me. I was so angry for a few days and had gotten some good energy to attack the situation. I just am getting so tired and having such a load sometimes makes me very resentful. Too, NCIS was involved this week and the dirt bag made a contact. This is going to be taxing me as well. I need some strong energy and medicine. LORD give me strength!

The family doc is involved as well. He was able to send a response back to the school and I requested that he send me a copy of everything so that we can stay abreast of things. I am very eager to get to the end of this matter; however, it looks like I will be contacting legal counsel as well. Oh, I am looking forward to the end of these matters.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Waiting on.

Managing

I realize that this is what we should not be doing--managing. But that is how I feel. I feel as though managing is the perfect word. I am so tired. I am so compromised and so many things are getting to me. Today, I had to drive all around town to get things done. Bloodwork was late but I got it done. My blood sugars were dropping and when I finally got to the deli to get a sandwich, I was ravenous. I was able to eat a smoked turkey panini and a bottle of water. I am really enjoying the water. This has been so refreshing to me. But, to be able to eat a whole sandwich barely a week after chemo is really awesome. But, I am so tired. I need encouragement and someone to look at me and give me directions. But, the way that I am, I might bite them off and feed them to the cat. Oh, I am just so tired.

I have been wondering about my next chemos. I have two more appointments coming up before the chemo and that is just for bloodwork. I know that all is looking good and I am hoping that I will be able to get to radiation soon. This will be something. I will be open for everyone to see and I am not looking forward to how this will effect my emotions. What excitement!

This week just seems to be so difficult of a load to carry. I am really frustrated with so much and everything is bothering me. All my home chores are behind and to boot! The rig smells like it is rotting from the inside out! EEEWWWW! And I have to drive in it. I need help with things but I just do not know anyone who will be happy to help. Then again, that wonderful trust factor that just does not fit into the picture.

Too! I have heard too many times this week that "people just do not know what to say to a cancer patient". Oh, if I have to hear that one more time, I am going to scream. Is this a Facebook moment? I am getting so tired of it all. I just do not understand how some people can be so heartless. In all of this, I have not gotten meals made for me, cleaned house, no cards, no flowers, no nothing except! that my boss brought to me the cutest Snoopy that plays music. This I will cherish! People wonder why I am so quiet and withdrawn at times. Why is it that I understand how to encourage others but on one can do this for me? Or, actually, it is done at a distance from people that I will never be able to touch or get to really know. But, I know that this is the most important thing for me! Why is it that people cannot just step up to the plate and get things done?!?! I do not know. A kind word turns away wrath!

My body is going through more changes as well. My fingernail beds are changing and they are becoming more dimpled. I was told that it would happen. I was told that I might have fungus, but I do not. My nails are very hard! I have been taking my vitamins and supplements and am pleased that they are working. Too, my throat is sore tonight. I have a very sore tongue and I feel like I need to conserve my voice. Just one more day of talking and then I can just relax and use sign language. I have been working on that more and more.

So much to do and so much more to go.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Managing on.

I am beyond tired

It never ceases to amaze me about how much that I have to get done in a day. Today, after being up 24 complete hours, managing after a hard chemo, I had to go to the kiddo's school and address an important matter. Regardless of the three hours of sleep that I barely got, I had to address an issue at the school where improper procedure and lack of communication existed. I am amazed that regardless the battle of just going through chemo is not enough, I have to continue my regular tasks. The house is a mess and all that can be done is to pick up the little stuff and to keep on top of everything with as much energy that I do not have. What suffers? Everything suffers. I am so tired of the entire mess and that to know that I am the only one that does it all is getting to me in so many different ways. I am getting tired of the lived in smell, the clutter and the mess and to boot! I am told that this place is not all that bad. But, it is to me. And that is the issue.

I wonder how others manage when they have to go through all of this. I know that others may have family support and the support of friends and loved ones. Oh, this is such a little dilemma. I know the adage that the "grass is always greener". Perhaps this is true. Doing this all by myself has created a lot of anger, frustration and resentment that I am left to do things all by myself. I have a teen. How much help can this be? Ask others? There are so many excuses that I get. I just do not get it.

I know that my exhaustion is speaking loudly; but, I am exhausted and things are really bothering me to no end. I really want a break and to have some private time. I do not believe that it will happen any time soon.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.

Moving right along

Of all the things that has been bothering me the most is the lack of energy that I have been experiencing. I have quite a bit of energy right now but the amount that is not there is really bothering me. As I walk around my place, I am doing what I feel is like the "chemo shuffle". I have already had to work and this has been so tiring to me. I am looking forward to some very needed quiet time. I have been working in my apartment to get things clean and everything around me is bothering me. This is just crazy because the spots on the floor are bothering me. I am starting to fixate on the stuff that cannot be done and it is really bothering me. Not too funny for my liking.

But, for the most part, I am eating fine and am getting more energy. I hate this lack of energy. I am looking forward to some coffee as well. Without the coffee, I know that this is really effecting my energy level. My coffee is a normal part of my day and without it, I am having a great difficulty. But, come next week, I will be having a cup of coffee and it will be fullfilling in ways that a cup of coffee should be.

I have to get focused on many things though. While I have some special time, I need to get focused and I am battling in this time. I need to focus much better and get things prioritized. Help me LORD!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Focusing on.

Post chemo 4

Well, this has been the most interesting of them all. I am so tired from this chemo that I could just cry. Crying would not be good enough because of the energy that I would have to use to do it. Everything has been bothering me. The smells in the apartment and the stuffiness from being so tightly locked. I have tried to turn the heat off and let some air in but then again, I have had to get up and close the window because it has gotten cold. But, the air has been stirred.

I did not go to church today because I did not have the energy to go. To get dressed would have taken all of my strength and that would not be worth the battle. I was in bed so much today and that helped out a lot. I think that I slept about 6 hours today from it all. The chemo effects have really been noticeable. My energy level is gone, but I can eat. I refuse to be nauseous and vomit. I have not thus far and I will not. My mouth is starting to get sore from the treatment and so far, my skin looks ok. I have been keeping an eye on that. My nose is ok for the moment. I have been working hard on just keeping water going and that makes a huge difference. I have not had any coffee either and so that will add to my exhaustion. I am looking forward to getting a good cup of coffee.

I have been keeping my feet up and that is driving me nuts. I am going stir crazy and with no one to talk to, it is really keeping me on my toes. However, the cats have been keeping me busy and that can be another subject all its own. Go figure! I look around at their energy and want just a little touch of that. I will be happy when I feel a little more human instead of a lint ball. Stella has got to get her groove on!

I am working hard on getting my homework completed as well. This has been a huge source of my emotional battle. I feel like I am useless in things. I know that I am doing ok, but my emotions tell a different tale. I am looking forward to the end of this battle.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Battling on.

Comes the night

Today, I had my next treatment. This was something that I did not want or expect. I had the appointment with Dr. R first and that was very rewarding. After a great conversation with him, I was very reassured that everything was going accordingly. I have always believed that this is very treatable and it has been thus far. I have had a lot of difficult days and that is something that I had not expected. Looking back, I can see how difficult they have been. I am amazed at the strength of others.

Dr. R examined me, used some great humor and expressed to me that the course of action was very good. He told me that my numbers were "excellent" and that was very good for me. The next course was to get to the infusion center and to get my next chemo treatment. The chemo that was used only lasted but only a few minutes versus an hour. It was red and I was told that this drug was going to be more harsh on my body than the other one. If I were to expect anything, more nausea was the next thing. HELLO NO! I refuse to vomit and I will continue to use my wits and smarts; however, I will continue to believe that the LORD is in control over everything. I had one of the ladies from church sitting with me, N, and she was a greater help than what I had expected. She is a woman of valor that I did not expect. Even more so, she was the individual that I needed to keep me lifted up in prayer as I was experiencing some difficulties with the injection. I really hate needles more and more and I am looking forward to not having these for a long, long time.

I was given another injection as well to assist in my white blood count. I was told that my numbers were excellent; just the same, the injection was just a prophylactic. That went into my belly. Since I can no longer have injections, blood draws or even any blood pressures taken in my left arm, I will have to donate my other body parts for some other needles. Oh, how fun!

After I was finished with my treatment, G brought me home. I am grateful. He has been one of the greatest folks in all of this. He shaved my head again and that was so much fun to watch the tiny white hairs go. I gave him some music to listen to as well and he was very grateful. It is good to see his face light up. It is all that worth it. It is my attitude adjuster.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Adjusting on.

Chemo #4

I am approaching my next chemo treatment. I am not sure what to expect but I know that this treatment has created a lot of apprehension for me. I am excited to get this done, but in the same regard, I am hesitant to be willing to get this done. I am looking forward to the end of this all. While I am getting ready for bed, I have had to take the next couple of pills for the treatment and an anti-nausea pill. Tomorrow, someone from my church will be accompanying me and that is a little interesting for me. While my personal bubble has definitely been compromised, I am not all that sure how I will be handling all of this. I cannot take much with me for the treatment and perhaps a DVD. If she is going to be there, I will need to chat with her regarding matters. I am not one for small talk and so figuring out how to get involved with that type of conversation has always been one of those things that gets in the way.

Too, I feel like I am coming down with a cold. I have been working hard not to get sick and I believe that I have been successful. I have been staying warm, keeping away from people intently, and to be taking my vitamins regularly. I have actually been taking more Vit C and extra flax seed oil for the full benefits. I have been drinking my Ovaltine as well. But the stress of everything has been a bit much. I believe that my stress has been too much and that will compromise me as well. I am working on that.

I am very tired as well. I cannot get my housework completed and that has been very trying for me as well. The dishwasher is down and I cannot get my dishes washed. My beautiful little girl does not help out what she needs to. I cannot keep pushing her on that regard because she can only handle so much. She needs to get her homework completed. I worry about my illness and her very much. I worry that she is stressed by this. I worry about PM as well. I hope that all is well and to keep pushing in prayer for everyone. I am constantly reminded that it is not anyone's attitude toward me that counts; rather, it is how their esteem is in my eyes/heart that matters.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Esteeming on.

Beginning of the new week...again

Well, today was an exciting day. Actually, this weekend has been an incredible weekend. I have spent some time trying to get homework done and I have been horribly inefficient in getting it done. But, I have been praying and trying to get things calmed more. This has been more promising than anything else. I have had so many long days that I have not been able to get everything completed on time. I have purchased more music and have been able to load that to my MP3 player. It is exciting!

I have noticed that I am starting to get caught up with some things. I have been the worst in trying to accomplish my long list of things. Despite it all, I am the only person to get things done. This past week, I have actually worked all three of my jobs and gotten some things completed. The apartment is looking a little cleaner--I really hate being that far behind. Since the dishwasher is broken, washing dishes by hand is a pain. I have to stand at the sink and use up good energy. But! I know that it is what I need to do to get my energy. Oddly enough!

I am working more on my dojo. I need to continue to workout to get rid of some of my energies. I do not care to have a loss of energy, but in the same regard, I need to workout to get the energy. This can be fun! I will be working on these things. The energy that I get from my anger will help me quite a bit. I am needing to get this channeled.

Chemo is coming up this week and the peace that I have before it has been curiously suspicious. We shall see. Dr. B will be out of town and I will have Dr. R in his stead. It is going to be very interesting.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Moving on.

More than just being

As I am approaching my next chemo treatment, #4, I am a little bit apprehensive about how I will be tolerating it. My previous treatment did not go well. After this treatment, I will have only two more to go. I am very excited about that for many reasons. The chemo treatments have been hard to deal with emotionally. I have noticed that my behavior has been more changed prior to the chemo treatments. The apprehension of the upcoming treatments is hard to bear. I am not looking forward to the treatment; I have a better understanding what a reaction does and can bring me. I am looking forward to never having to experience it again. It is amazing--if the disease does not kill you the treatment will.

According to the doc, the treatment can cause my hair to fall out and more nausea. Well, the hair is already out and the nausea will be something that I will have to see about. I pray that all will go well. I will have someone from the church with me for company and we shall see how things go. It is definitely going to be a long day.

I am feeling like I want to cry more and hard, but that will not make any difference regarding things. I have to keep myself in control. This week, my hormones have been raging as well. I have been experiencing more hot flashes as well. I had to put my head in the freezer to keep myself cool. After that, I got a bag of frozen beans and had to put that on my head to keep me cool. That has a mixed set of emotions for me. I am looking forward to the end of all of this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking forward.

When things happen

Today I had to go to the kiddo's school to address some things that were brought up about family stuff. This has been the first time that I have had to really express how the chemo has been for me to people who have not been part of this journey. This is very wierd to be telling others about my chemo. Just the same, this has been very angering to have to address something like this again. This type of stuff actually has been very good to maintain my energy. Every so often, I good burst of adrenaline helps the balance of the energy.

I have been working out as well. I am working hard to develop a workout schedule with exercises that are appropriate for me. I am finding that converting my open kitchen area to a small dojo has been quite rewarding in the stead. My energy has been good and my ROM has been great. However, I have noticed that I need to be stretching more and getting my high-kicks up higher. This is going to be interesting. I am noting that I am seeing more definition to my arms and am feeling very good. My incisions are healing nicely and things are slightly knotted. However, I am beginning to see true definition from the surgery. Everthing is looking good and there is no pain or discomfort.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Definition on.

What to expect

What to expect--I am not always able to address that one succinctly. Just when I thought that it was ok, things just come and snap me again. Today was an awesome day at church. My energy level has been crazy and I cannot guarantee that things are going to be the same the next moment. I can stand for a few and then I have to sit. I can walk and then have to stop. The world just keeps changing on me. I look forward to more energy and to being able to be more consistent in energy output. But, that is not always going to happen. I get excited easy. Then I loose it. I get eager for things and then I loose it.

My body temperature is changing as well. All night I had hot flashes that kept me awake. I am looking forward to just being cooler. I am told that I need to be more careful about not getting sick. But there are days that I could walk around in shorts and a T and that would be just perfect. I am looking forward to the warmer weather coming so I can just wear my bandanna instead of the knitted hat as well.

Who knows, perhaps I might go au-naturalle!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Au-naturalle!

The weekend

This is an incredible day today. My family are on the plane coming to see me. I am excited beyond all compare that this is happening. My family, the ones that understand me regardless of my behavior. This acceptance should be more available but is not always. I can feel safe to be me and not worry about judgment or mocking comments or gestures. This is more painful than what the illness can bring. Why should I worry about what people have to say? Having an illness like this has a stigma that is attached. I am well. I am fine; however, not everything is understood by others.

I am excited that my family will be here to simply be supportive. No matter what, the fears will be calmed for a season. My fears will be calmed and acceptance replaced. No matter what, it will be well. No one should be made to feel that they do not have a refuge even for a season. I understand that others' feelings and motives are not mine and I should not be made to feel that way--classic transference.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Feeling on.

So this is Friday

I feel like this is a Bruce Lee movie--Enter the Dragon. Although my zodiac sign is a scorpion and I was born in the year of the dragon, this seems very fitting to be feeling like this. This week has been crazy--pure and simple. I was told by my doc that I have been thrown into menopause. Oh, that makes a whole lot of sense in things. I can understand the feelings that have been so rocky and so crazy. I wonder what I look like to others. Well, today, I was told one thing--now I know. I have so many more questions and yet, my target seems lost once again. I am looking forward to this target staying still.

I was told today that my behavior is turning people away. That makes a whole lot of sense. I am the type of person that will avoid others if that is what really is going on. I will avoid others because of the perception of what things "might" be going on. I certainly do not want others to be felt obligated to be anything other than what they are; however, these days are very difficult and I am not willing to just lie back. I have been told about others who have had breast cancer that they did avoid certain people because of the judgment and the comments that have been made. I am reaching that point very quickly. I am reaching that point where the emotions will be just fine at home and not pressing on to others about how I feel. I have always understood from my work that this is a normal response to when someone feels "ugly or unwanted". I have been with my "folks" when they have felt that they need to be separated because of how others have made them feel. Now, I am on the other side of things. This is how I feel right now. I do not want to sound like a defeatist; however, I can understand the point of "what is the use". The harder that I push, the more difficult it becomes. The more difficult it becomes, the harder I become. I have gotten to that point once again. I feel myself getting harder and I almost enjoy it. My defense mechanisms are up and I am not enjoying that others are just that selfish or ignorant. However, this is the general population. There is a small percent of people who are very sympathetic to events like this. Where are they? Can I come and visit?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Visiting on.

A new day a new week

This morning, I am taking my little one to the doc's office. She is very ill and I am very anxious about what is going on. I cannot afford being sick and she is not feeling well at all. She may have a sinus and ear infection. I know that she feels horrible. She has been spending the time with her boyfriend's family because of staying away from me. I cannot afford being sick. This is just ripping me apart. While I realize that she is being very smart, and G had also suggested it, this is the best thing. I cannot afford to be sick. I really hate this!!! I cannot even be around my kids! This gets me to know height!

I am looking forward to chat. I am looking forward to consolation. But, this is what it is. I know that all of this will go away in time and then it will be just a bad memory. I hate bad memories!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Getting well.

Recovery

I have to say that today feels more like recovery. I was up all night with bad "vibes". I did not sleep well and when I went to work today, I felt very poor. I felt very unplugged, despite it all. I was able to get work completed and my chores done; but, I am very wiped. I did manage to get some rest when I got home. I do not care to be that laid up, but I do know that rest and chemo go hand in hand. I have to really bide my time with my energy and obligations. I do have to say that it was nice being able to get in the rig and put the seat back and get some rest. I have been been hating having to drag my computer around to get things done. This will be nicer to just relax during the day and in between clients and do research instead.

I do have to say, this morning was very difficult to navigate. Now that I have had some sleep, relaxed a little, I think that I can tackle the weekend. I have so much to get done and I hope that I can get this all done. I am looking forward to some hugs and touching as well. Wish me luck!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Moving on!