News that I do not like to hear

Today, I spoke with my boss and she is going in for a breast biopsy as well. She definitely sounded a little morose. No one wants to be diagnosed with breast cancer and it is the most difficult thing to go through when you are told the worst news. She also told me of another one of the care providers that is battling this and she is not doing well. I cannot say just how much I hate hearing of this diagnosis and how many women get scares. This journey has been one of the most difficult ever to go through. Until you go through it, you cannot imagine the loneliness that is associated with it. The "you are in my thoughts" makes no difference. The lack of support and encouragement that you have to grasp for is unbearable. It is a quiet and desolate existance.

Now, I am finished with my chemo and I want to be there for others. This is the most exciting thing; however, it would have been so much better to have someone there all the time. Distance makes no comfort for having someone there all the time. I cannot wait to be stronger to be able to be the best clinician that I can be. Did you know that? I bet you did not. I want to be the best health professional ever.

I think that the lack of support is the most evil thing ever. No one comes to see you or wants to invest in their time to be able to say, "I care". I am thankful for many things. The prayers.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Praying on.

Sometimes I would rather

It is just a matter of a few hours before I get started on my very last chemo treatment. To say that I am excited is very much so an understatement. I really cannot say how much I am excited about all of this to be done. But, I do have to say that I am very much full of anxiety. This is the very last chemo treatment and I do not want anything to go wrong with it. I have been awaiting this for a very long time now and I am eager for this to be set behind me. What is coming next is radiation and that is much unknown to me now. I look back at this and see just how much I have had to endure that I wish that I did not have to go through. When I discuss this with others, I get a mixed review. I spoke with Prayer G today and I did not realize that he was an ambulance service driver. He would drop off and pick up cancer patients for services. He said that he saw first hand what some would go through and that he did understand what was going on. When I had told him of the cancer, I saw him cry. I hate crying myself, but I hate even more seeing people that I care about cry. Prayer G has been one of the most important individuals who has been supportive for prayers. He always inquires about me to my kiddo when I have not come in to the gas station to fill up. Now! I have a Prayer J! She is awesome. When I go to the grocery store, I always go through her aisle to get that hug or that encouraging word. I have to find it somewhere. I know that I may not always get it in the places that I would expect, but I sure need to get it. I have been hunting down the encouragement and it has been hard to find at times. I must admit that I have gotten bold about vocalizing my cancer. I am not looking for pity; rather, I am just standing up and saying "this bites!" Sometimes, it is good to speak up and say that I am not having a good day because of this. If I can be bald and go through chemo, then "you" can do this. Yes, I am tired because I am bald from chemo. Yes, I am full of attitude because of this chemo--I hate it! Yes, I am emotional because of chemo--you would be too. Yes, I could use company--but this chemo scares people. Yes, I would rather be doing something else--but I cannot right now. What I am doing right now is just assessing myself and getting ready for more change.

Change is good. Change means that facing the crossroads of things are necessary. Not that I have needed to approach a whole lot of change in my life, but change is always good and should always be welcomed. I was reminded by my Pastor that whenever anyone faces life changing events like this, evaluation does come. So, the next thing would be is to see if that change is going to be life changing and to continue to allow things to be challenged? My personal belief systems--I have always been bold and intense. Well, maybe. When I was a teen, I was not as bold and brazen, but I was. Over the years, I have become more. When I became a parent it changed me. Now, this has changed me even more. I am bolder and more brazen and I am [more] intense. I am looking forward to more. I am looking forward to being a juggernaut and to make changes that will create and instigate things. Anyone who knows me knows that I am meaning business. Only the LORD knows the days of my life. Only the LORD knows what is going to be my future; but, I can say that I will not disappoint HIM with whatever appointed time I have.

I am looking forward to the preparation of radiation as well. I have no idea what it coming, but I know that things will be better than what I have expected. I know that whatever that may come my way, I will have the courage to handle it.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Courageous on.

Approaching chemo #6

I must say that I am getting very excited about the final chemo. I am not looking forward to the side effects; but, I have to say that they will be the last time I will ever have to experience them. I know that this will come and go quickly. However, I do have to admit that I am very leary about what to expect. My last chemo went ok. I was able to prepare myself for the constipation, the upset stomach, the irritation to my mouth and lips, the dry sinuses, the dry skin, the irritation to my scalp and oddly to say, the irritation to the palms of my hands. For some reason, my palms felt as though they were on fire. I have had a very sore throat for some time and my eyes are constantly hurting. I have had a migraine for well over a week and this is irritating. I have been able to work with a migraine now with little effort. The chemo has amplified the effects. I have had to wear my sunglasses more and to keep some things at a low light.

I am looking forward to some changes. I have had to take more stomach acid pills this time around. I was planning on not taking anything, but the burn to my stomach and my throat was too much to bear. I have been able to eat more food and I have been able to drink some coffee! I have had to purchase coffee with chickory and make it light with a lot of milk and honey. I am very thankful for honey! It has been so good for my throat and stomach. I will be learning more about these foods to be able to help others.

Radiation will be coming soon and I am not all that thrilled about it. I will have to be able to withstand the blasts and be open for everyone to see. This will be a challenge for me. I certainly hope that when this happens, I will be able to withstand the exposure. I will be getting a tattoo as well. I have been told that this will be for diagnostics only. I really am not all that thrilled; however, I see the importance of it. I will have my schedule soon enough. I am waiting on my paperwork soon enough.

In soon enough time, I will be able to discuss the chemo brain. I have been so fried from the chemo. It has been embarrassing.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Moving on.

Another beat goes on

Well, this morning was interesting. Seems that some things never get old. So, the kiddo says to me more "bla bla bla". The teen-age shows that I hate just get to me. The logic of a teen just escapes me at times. I would love to be able to get past some of these things without saying anything but it just does not happen. I am working on chemo #6 next week and that should be my last one. I am not looking forward to more chemo but I am glad that it is coming to a close end. I am tired. I am tired of the whole bit that makes me feel so strange and so much of an outsider. I can say that some people really do understand what I am going through. This is hard. This is another beat that must go on because the choices are small. Go on or go out. I cannot go out. I must go on. I have so much to do in a day and that is just part of it all. I must find a way to continue. Radiation therapy will continue quickly after chemo and I am going to be choosy about who I tell about the chemo. I do not want many if anyone to know that I am going through this. It will be good to be treated like a part of the "crew" again and the judgment will be less. I hope. Hopefully, the feelings of people needing to not talk to me will change. If not, then I can continue on and bear with the rest of the journey. I will have this all said and done by July. That really is not all that far away. I am looking forward to seeing this done and out of the way so that I can have a normal life once again. Whatever that was. This ordeal has been just that. I have been blessed in so many ways and I have been bruised in so many ways.

I do have to say that I am glad for some things being stirred up. I am looking forward to having the manner of like moving on without some of this headache. I see things in a different manner and my time is used for so many other things. I am happy that it is. I can see that there are things that are trivial. But, this is not trivial. I am still looking forward to just some relaxation and so fun to be had. I am looking forward to getting back to my regular life of stuff and keeping some things secret and hidden again. I am looking forward to people not knowing what is going on in my life and for it to be just a matter of when I had some difficult days.

One person really comes to mind from church though. I have had so many difficult days of crying and breaking down that I just have hated for things to be the way they are. I know that I do not want to be isolated for the random hugs. That is something that I do not care for. I know that I am working diligently on many things. But, I do not care for anyone to just randomly come up to me and give me a hug. I really do not care for random people, who have never been invested in all of this, to come up to me and just ask about things when they have no clue as to what is going on. If they have not been there at the beginning, it makes little to no difference where they are at this point. There have been people that have been there at the beginning and are not there now. I really hate it when I am told "I am sorry that I have not been there for you". And it continues.

I am facing the last chemo. The last of the sore body, sores in my mouth, soreness to swallowing, the indigestion and the burning. I am looking forward to hair!!!!! I am looking forward to my body recovering from the chemo so I can travel and be around larger groups of people. I am looking forward to the fact that no one will know what is going on. I hate my life being on display.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Moving on.

Things just continue to happen

Have I said how much I hate chemo? This has interfered with my life in so many different ways that I just cannot begin to say. Today was a repeat of just things that have been going on since the very beginning. Because I look so good after chemo, it is hard to imagine that I need help, or company, or anything else supportive. No one seems to think that I need any kind of help or support--emotional or physical. Chemo #5 has come and gone and I am facing #6 not too much longer. My body hurts and I am just looking forward to some adult time. But, like I have contended from the beginning, adult time does not belong to me. The responsibility of others is just escaping me.

This morning before service, my kiddo decides to pull something stupid on me. "I am tired" she says. Well, what am I? Again and again it is thrown up at me that I have to talk to people about things. She just does not get it. I was happy to keep all of this to myself and get through this without anyone knowing. I really regret telling anyone anything because I still get to sit by and watch everyone just "you're in my thoughts" responses. My body hurts. I am looking at housework by myself. I am looking at long days by myself.

This chemo has really screwed with me in so many ways that I cannot say. I have to be delegating my time around everything that I do. I cannot stand too long after chemo because it tears up my energy level. But the strange thing is that exercising through it has been saving me. I really hate it! I really, really do. And when everyone asks me "how are you doing", I just cannot figure out what to say. "How do you think that I am doing?" "Do you really want to know?" Another G says that I should just say "I am fine, and thank you for asking" and leave it at that. I am going to have to figure out a way to say it with a convincing face. Radiation will be starting soon and I have to figure out life through that for 33 treatments. I do not know how I am going to get through that. This just gets better and better.

Pushing on. Pressing on. What to do on?

What may come my way

Today has been a very quiet day. I have been working all day from one assignment to the other. I like assignments like that. I will be working the weekend as well and keeping very busy. I really like that. But, what comes my way is a lot of hard work and some solitude. I can handle that. I am realizing more and more that quiet and solitude will last until all of this is done. I am left with feelings in which others do not and cannot understand. I have worked hard to reach out for communication and I realize all that much more that I this is my journey and mine alone. I know that "many people" want to help. I am realizing more and more that I do not want to make others uncomfortable by what I am going through. Some people need to feel uncomfortable to get them out of their "zones" but this energy is not mine to expend. I am very tired. I am looking forward to getting back to what I am familiar with and to just get my priorities in order and to choose them wisely.

Now, this has been several days past chemo and I am very hungry and tired at the same time. I have eaten well today and I need some sleep. I have been eager to eat some chocolate and to have a cup of coffee, but I am very leery about that. So far, the chemo side effects have not hit. I am expecting them to very soon. I have been noticing that my eyelashes are thinning and my eyebrows have thinned quite a bit. I cannot wait for the last chemo to be done! I am looking forward to looking my normal bit and to be ready to look better. My physical appearance may look good, but the changes that my body has gone through is something else. I feel as though I will never be the same. In many aspects, I will never be the same. I am glad too! But, what others see me as and what I see me as are going to be forever changed. I need to accept that and regardless of how comforted I might not feel, there should be little matter. I need to continue to press on and to seek order where there appears to be no order. I am tired and I am looking forward to some semblance of order.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking on.

More than just what I have

I know that I have said this many times, but I want to be more than just existing. Usually around chemo, I experience the most emotions with respect to this journey. I have just completed 5/6 treatments and I am getting so excited that they are almost done. I am experiencing a lot of anger and resentment at the aspect that I have little help. Yes, my teen helps some, but that is not her primary responsibility. It stresses her out as well. I am angry because I remember asking for help when this all started. I remember saying how much I "DID NOT" want to go through this alone and this is what it has been. ALONE! What more can a person take when the emotions are so rocky from chemo and it is blamed on "my emotionalism". OF COURSE! I am emotional and isn't that all the more reason to help out? What did I do to deserve no help? I get angry, bitter and resentful and have to pray harder to have that lifted.

I have been told that I am strong and that I do not look like someone going through chemo. Well, I have to say, I have no choice. I cannot roll over and just allow this to happen to me; but I do know that I am very tired of no help. I am working some weeks 6 days a week and I am tired. I have had long days of sleeplessness because of surgery, or chemo or death in the family--in which, I got no condolences whatsoever. How much more can I take? The longest day that I have put in thus far was 54 hours of no sleep because of work and the death of my Aunt. How much can a person take? I did not get any recognition that she had even passed away. She was closer to me than my own mother and this has hurt so deeply that I cannot say. But, Caren is strong and Caren is supposed to keep things together. I look forward to some help.

Soon, radiation will start and from there, I have no idea what to expect. I know that I can keep going to work and that the radiation will not affect my clients. That is very kool because I cannot afford to take work off. But, I am afraid of the prospect that I will not want to be touched even more. I do not know how this will be. I know that when my family came to see us last month, it was awesome. I told my cousin to never stop touching me. This whole ordeal has been so long and hard and I cannot say how I have felt and how I have had to keep it to myself. I am thankful that I have started this blog. I am thankful that I can vocalize myself and not have any concerns from others that I am thinking the wrong things or that I should just suck it up or that I am seeking pity.

I can honestly say that the outcome to all of this will make me a better person and professional. I want to be able to reach out to others who need. I want to perfect my recipes and get my cookbook done. I want to be able to be the best Public Health Professional that I can for the best of the community. I want to be able to have a place in my church where I can be the best servant. I am working hard on that.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.