The day after

Well, today has been much better. I woke up with a little more energy, but very uncertain about the after effects of what happened. I got up, got dishes done and then had to lie back down and take a nap. I was so tired. But, I had so much to do and get done. I have not been able to get any of my homework done and that has me a little stressed--but ok.

I saw one of my friends today at the Library--C! I was so happy to see him. We talked for a while about what has been going on. I showed him my head and he commended me on how well my round, bald head looked. Not many have seen my bare head, but I am happy to have shown him. We have been friends for so long and he is just a great guy. He told me that I almost ran him over one night! Oh crap! One of my friends? I always wave when I see him and he is just an easy going guy. He gave me some great news as well. We hugged twice! What an awesome time to get a double hug, especially when hugging means so much to me! Oh, how I have missed him.

My stomach is a little messed up, but for the most part, ok. I am looking forward to more sleep!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Hugging on!

Chemo changes

Today was one of the most difficult days that I have experienced ever! I had started the day out with G having a difficult day. He accidentally broke out his driver side window. Driving to the doc was cold but kinda fun. It reminded me of New York. I loved it! Yea, I truly did. When I was able to get to meet with Dr. B, I thought that I had received good news. We may possibly be working on just 4 chemo treatments instead of 6. He did say that he would look into that and figure it out.

Well, treatment started not too long after that. I was able to watch my movie that I had brought--A Walk in the Clouds. I have always loved that movie and was very happy to be able to watch it. After that was completed, I listened to my music for a while. I have to say that I am very happy that I have an MP3 player. I have more music to put on it and look forward to being able to have a more advanced one. But, for the most part, this is excellent and I will use it until it falls apart.

But then, when the next bag was hung, things began to change incredibly. I started to get a serious reaction and from that point, I was beginning to get hot and could not breathe. I had to say to the nurse that I was not feeling good at all. At that point, I had started to just feel myself slipping. I could remember hearing the nurses and the doc and was not able to interact with them. If passing out feels like this, then I sure did. My head and body felt as though the temperatures were rising high and getting higher. Then my chest felt as though it was being crushed--from the outside in. After the treatment stopped, and Benedryl was administered, it took me about a couple of hours to get coherent again. I slept from the Benedryl and needed to have about 3 warmed blankets on me to keep the chattery chills from staying. After relaxing for some more, I had asked about what the next course was going to be. I was told that the doc was willing to challenge me with the treatment at a slower drip. I had said no. I did not want to experience this same thing. I told the nurse to withdraw this from me and that I would come back for the next plan. So, my next appointment is scheduled for next week. I will be discussing with him my next step.

I was so scared from all of this. I still am. I was there by myself. When I had told G about what had happened, he was very scared. He had called me again tonight to see how I was doing. What do I say? He needs to be strong for me and I need others to be strong for me. When I had called my Pastor, I got a Wow! from him. I did not have the energy or the time to explain and just got off the phone quickly. I have had far too many melt-downs and nuclear explosions to go into another one. I simply told him that I would see him on Sunday.

I am looking forward to Sunday.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Leaning on.

Chemo #3

Today, I will be heading for the clinic for Chemo #3. This week has been especially difficult on me. As I head for more treatments, I have been experiencing more emotional peaks and valleys. I am becoming more familiar with the course of treatment, and I have more preparation for what is to come. This past weekend too, was full of anticipation of meeting up with someone that has been speaking horrible gossip about me around the church. When I had heard this viciousness, I was ready to physically create harm and to establish what kind of gossip was going to be acceptable. NONE!

Now, today is the day and Sunday is on the way. I will be bringing a DVD with me to treatment and will be doing my best to relax and to just put my feet up and prepare for completing homework and getting other paperwork ready for the clinic. I am tried and very tried in all of this. I have had my energy zapped more this past treatment. However, that was completely unexpected. I had had a house guest that did not want to leave. This was more angering and frustrating. I wanted to actually MOAB this person! Can you imagine that!?!

As I work to get things done, I pray that they can all be completed for the weekend. I will be taking Friday off from work and then back to work on Saturday and am planning to get everything done for my next set of homework. I am tired and very frustrated that I cannot get things completed on-time for what I want.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Working on.

Approaching Chemo #3

Well, I am looking at the next chemo treatment. I do realize that I am looking at the middle of the chemo now and it is coming right to the middle. I am not looking forward to this either way. I really hate chemo despite it all. I hate what I go through before--the anxiety and apprehension of the treatment--and then the side effects of it all. I do not like it. I was in tears all day Sunday and knowing that this is approaching gives me quite a bit of frustration. Too, I was talking to one of the guys at the church and did not realize just how much anger that I have about this approaching treatment. I really do not like to talk about it to people who have never been part of the treatment or the beginning of the whole thing. I chewed off the head of someone else and that was not OK. I will have to ask for his forgiveness. Yea, big guy too. I hate discussing this with anyone and hate discussing this when I think that it is going to be cast all around. I am not a fan of this. I really do not like to have a lot of questions asked of me. I do know, too, that my feelings of being walled up are still alive. For some of my peeps, I can get past this. But, I do not want a whole lot of questions asked or poked for information or prodded. I am working very hard at trying to get stay focused on this whole thing and it is very difficult and bothersome. I am looking forward to it getting a little easier. I would love for someone to come along and just be sitting with me. I do realize that it is too much to ask for. I have to do a good job at keeping it low key and covered up. There is only one person who has asked if they could come along but it turned out that this person took it upon themselves to tell another friend of mine about my ordeal--without my consent or my approval. I do not like having my decisions taken from me.

While I am getting prepared for this upcoming treatment, I am finding myself a little more compromised. I certainly hope that I can get to the end of this without loosing my mind. I do want to cry and cry and cry, but I do not want to loose control. Some think that it is fine to cry. I do not. I just simply cannot accept that crying so much is acceptable. When I cry like that, I feel very vulnerable and just laid barren without anyone to comfort or console me. If I cry that much, I would like someone to just hold me and allow me to cry, but I do realize that it will not be possible. So, I am doing my best to keep my emotions tightened up again. Sunday I was such a mess. I cried at the alter and then cried at the mere mention of how bad this year has been. I had to put my sunglasses on to keep others from noticing. Then! of course, someone had to approach me and ask if things were ok. HELL NO! Things are not ok. HELL NO! I am tired of going through this. Do people really want to hear about my "journey"? I do not perceive so. But what is the actual truth? People at the church ask and I think it is more because of being nosy. Sure, let's ask the bald gimp about things going on. Sure, let's ask the strange one about what is going on because we do not have anything else to chat about. SURE! Honestly, I would be amazed if I would see some at my doorstep. I have told my girl that if anyone did come to the door, I would not answer it. I simply cannot understand why some people act the way that they do. I simply cannot understand the way that some are so selfish and self-centered. Honestly, I don't think that there would be certain people that would even want to venture that way. Then again, I live on the third floor. Not many can make the stairs. You know your friends when they do come to the top floor.

I have heard many excuses and have been told many things. I am not excited when I hear what some people talk about. I am very pleased that I am keeping things quiet and keeping things to myself. But, I do have to keep my thoughts and feelings more tightly reigned. I need to cry away from others and not in front of people. I need to excuse myself when I feel that I am being compromised. I cannot simply accept that biting at people is ok. It is better if I just excuse myself and just look busy.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Busying on.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! Well, I am looking at the end of the year coming to an end and I am so excited about this. I worked graveyard on the eve and I am thoroughly exhausted. What I am so frustrated about these days is that the help that I wish I had at home is not there. I work multiple jobs, go to school and am undergoing treatment. I come home and I have to cook and clean and to keep it together for the little one's sake. The messes are constant and I can never seem to be able to stay on top of it. I need to keep the house clean to keep infection or infectious things away--vectors of disease. I came home from work, woke the kiddo up and we opened gifts. Then I went to bed for a couple of hours only to be woken up again in a couple of hours to the loud music from the kiddo. Then I went down again to sleep and the downstairs neighbor's guest was yelling "Merry Christmas" at the top of his lungs. How fair is this? I am thoroughly exhausted. Then, after getting up with just 3 or so hours of sleep, I have to clean the apartment again! I had cleaned yesterday before laying down and going to work. I am up again cleaning. The only thing that the kiddo could say at dinner was "are you going to make rolls?" How tired do I need to be? Could I get some help from someone trustworthy and not worrying about what will be discussed? What is ever so angering is that I do not appear as though I am really all that exhausted or compromised. I am very grateful that the LORD has taken good care of me. So, when I heard the mocking of things this week, I was fuming. My kiddo cannot handle me having any meltdowns and I have to be careful how I talk with her. Almost a denial of sorts.

Who can really handle all of this? I know that discussing things with my Pastor has helped. We have a new year ahead of us and I will be leaning more upon him. I will be needing some help as well. I will have to see about hiring someone to help out with the housework. I am praying for this.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Looking forward.

Looking at a new day

I am looking at a new day. This is just being a stange one. I tried to get a posting published but the system gliched and I lost the whole thing. Oh well.

I spoke with my "sista" today and we had a great conversation. I have been looking at my emotions again and it is nice to see that my thoughts are quite valid. She did validate for me that the emotions that I have been experiencing are quite ok and that she would feel the same thing if things were reversed and on her. I have had a very interesting week of being told some very interesting things. Certainly, not many are going to understand what I am going through. Unless a person actually has had this happen to them, they are not going to understand not wanting to be touched, hugged, encroached upon or wanting to have any type of conversation. Earlier this week, I had spoken to someone at my mother church regarding these matters. This person told me about someone who had gone through breast cancer as well and just stayed home away from the judgment and the thoughts of others. I can understand and relate. However, I would just die from no interaction. I might need to get the CD of the service and listen to it. I do not know if I could. But, there are days that I would love to just hide and not be seen. But I love going to church. I know that this has been a particular battle for me.

I have noticed something very common about breast cancer survivors---their attitude. I have been told that the attitude makes all the difference in the world. I have been told this from four women already. Two have been nurses, one an employee at my oncologist office and my sista. I do appreciate that very much. I do have the moxy for this. I do have the nards for it! I plan on being around for a very, very, very long time. But, most importanly, I am determined to get the information out to people that they are not alone and no one should make you feel less than what you are.

We must stand up and say that we are beautiful. We must stand up and say that we are wanted, desired and needed. We must stand up and declare that this will not stop our determination.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Being determined.

Beginning of the new week

Today is the beginning of the new week. This past week, I have been so exhausted from everything. I have not been able to get the quality of sleep that I have been hoping to get. I have found that I am a bit more dizzy and I am waking up with a chemo headache. I have four more treatments! I hate this! I really hate this!

This weekend I had been told by YET! another person--"I did not know!" Yea, like I had any intention of letting everyone know. This really makes me feel small and getting smaller. I really do not want a whole lot of people know because of the problems that happens when too many people know--they talk and it just turns and changes. Do I need to put it in the church bulletin? How about I just put it in the newspaper! So, now the mookie-mookie is going to commence. "AH! poor dear!" So much for privacy! Shot down the flippin' commode. I am supposed to feel good about it? I do not get it. So, with four more treatments, it is going to be interesting. Then the radiation will begin. That is going to be interesting. I need to know who I can touch. I know the children will be off limits. And some elderly will be off limits. I am very curious to see how this is going to be all over the church. I just wonder. At times, I really regret telling anyone. I really hate that some things cannot just be quiet. I would do anything to prevent people from looking at me differently or coming up to me and try to make nice. I really hate "making nice". Why should I feel this way? I really feel very uncomfortable about everyone fussing over this, but even more so that I do not care for everyone to know. That really gets me.

On another note: my mouth feels so much better and my nose does as well. I am getting ready to mend to get ready again for the next treatment on the 30th. Oh, this is just yippee skippee!

Another thing that really gets me is what others' perspective of what kind of woman I am supposed to be. I am a straight woman who wears steel-toed boots for work and like my dungarees. Now, because of the doo-rag, I get the looks. I am very tired of the looks and the comments and the well-wishing persons. I was actually told things about the kind of woman I am supposed to be. At church Sunday, I really got the comments about how well I looked. What the? Yea, I am already feeling ugly from no hair, covering my hands from chemo-dry skin, bundling up to stay warm, keeping the lotion on, dry, ulcerated mouth and lips and I feel like the ugliest thing ever. Then? I just do not get it. We women like to be told that we look beautiful and accepted and well desired. This past few weeks have made me feel anything less than that. But, I do not want to share that with anyone because I am tired of everything. So, anyone who reads the blogs may understand. I am getting more and more adverse to "sharing" about things that will not make a whole lot of difference. Thank goodness for the blog. I am getting to the point of a conditional share.

Four more treatments to go and then radiation. I need your strength LORD!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Ready on.