The furbabies

I am very curious as well. My little Mimi cat has been very clingy to me lately. This appears to be bothering her just as much. I have cried and her little meows have changed. A couple nights ago, I woke up to all stretched out and she curled up on my armpit--the surgical armpit! I really do not get it. I know that our furry children get emotional as well. Bless the little furbabies.

More than just existing

This is now almost a week after the chemo and I am just feeling incredible--in many ways. I am also finding that it is very exhausting eating. Who'da thunk how exhausting it is to eat? Well, I made a nice veggie dish and eating it slowly and nibbling on it. My stomach feels as though I have been doing hundreds of sit-ups without break. I am very tired but that is ok. Before I went to bed last night, I decided to take some pain reliever. That was a great idea! I woke up at about 5:30 am and was ready for the day. That was awesome! I went to bed at almost midnight last night after working on many things and got up at a decent hour. I prayed and relaxed last night and just was happy to be able to relax. While I am listening to Tenth Avenue North, I do believe that some of these chains have been broken. Yes, I still feel many emotions, but I have been set free! I am still some upset and angry about the cancer treatment, but not as much. This resolution comes with a lot of work. I am looking forward to more things completed.

I spoke with my little cousin about my Aunt's memorial. I do not like that I have missed things, but it is just for a short time. Summer will come soon enough and I will be able to travel and see everyone. I am so excited about that! That is my goal! To be able to see the doc and have it said that my last treatment will be on X date and then I will be free to travel in the fall. I am excited.

I am tired of crying. I am DONE! Emotions do not have me anymore. It is time to batten down the hatches! I am moving forward. I am tired of people looking at me as though things are just "pitiful" or other. I am going to press onward to my goal! My life has changed and I will work out my salvation with fear and trembling! GOD IS GOOD!

Pressing on! Pushing on! Peeving on!

Waking times

Well, this happened again. I woke up early in the morning to a lot of pains in my legs and my feet. I am getting tired of not getting the full night sleep that I need to mend. But, I am working on a new resolve. I am so tired of feeling like a whimpy, lack-sa-daisy woman. This journey feels so long, but now, it has just hit me! I am angry! I am angry at myself for feeling so helpless and so bewildered. This is a different path for me and a different way of living. I need to lean on others to help me but to understand that I am not a "young woman" anymore; I am working into a season of my life that requires me to live relentlessly on my skills and abilities but not on my physical strength as I used to. I am a whole, beautiful woman and the treatments that I am working on are just a way to ensure that I continue with that.

I am pressing on. I am pushing on. I am a juggernaut!

Back to work

Well, today I returned back to work from chemo. It felt absolutely wonderful! Then, I went to church and helped to set up for Sunday service. Although this is only a few hours, it really felt awesome! I enjoy being physically active and I have to understand that I have limitations. That really sucks--I have a lot of adjustments to make without a lot of people knowing. I have to make it look good--or do I? I am usually a private person and do not like a whole lot of people to know what is going on. I did have a lot of fun though messing with one of the other gals. I really have to watch myself because it can be just so much fun to really razz. I know, Caren be good. Oh, I am! With so much fun to be had, I had better really keep my claws in. Poor Jaymie did not have a clue. Pastor says to "share"! Ha! Oh, this can be a whole lot of fun. How much do I want to share with them, fun wise, that is? Oh, this can be fun. Last weekend, I put in a 54 hour weekend and really did not bat that much. Then again, last weekend was very difficult and had to just get through. Now, with the steroids, I am not getting a lot of sleep. I will have 5 more treatments to go with the steroids on board and no sleep. Oh, I have better get ready. I feel like Joker on Batman--"wait til they get a hold of me". Hahaha.

But the idea of chemo is getting easier. I know that this has been freaking me out. I have 5 more treatments left and then I will have 33 treatments of radiation. I can do this! This is hard but it will come and go. I have to be prepared mentally, and physically.

Pressing on!

Insomnia

Well, I cannot sleep right now. I am experiencing insomnia from the steroids that were given to me for the procedure. First I was cold and could not get warm, so I got up, got my jacket, pants and socks and crawled back under my comforters. Of course, turned the heat up some and then fell asleep for a couple of hours.

I was on the phone earlier this evening and had a meltdown. Oh, I am getting tired of all this crap. "how are you doing"? How the bleep do you think I am doing. Dealing with cancer, chemo, a 14 year old, my Aunt passing away, working like a dog, have to keep the house clean, smiling and making it look good for those who are in denial about what is going on--arg! How am I supposed to be feeling. Have I mentioned that this just sucks?!!?!!

It never ceases to astound me.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Peeving more people on!

The first day of chemo

Well, today was the first day. I had no idea what to expect. I was correct about some things, but some things I had to be educated about. The treatment did not hurt, but the needle sure did. I was wondering about the medicine burning while I was getting the IV. It did not. When I was in the ER for the migraine, the medicine in the IV burned. I cannot handle painful treatments at this time. I hate the needles more and more and now; I have to offer the arm that has the bad veins for injection. Some of these nurses are getting to "dig for gold" and that is very painful. "Oh, I can get it dear". Yea, I have heard that many times. But, I have been told that there are things that just are not going to be the same. My left arm is off limits to many things and as a proud woman who is physically strong, this will be different. I will have to look at the work that I normally do and cannot carry heavy things.

I have five more treatments to go. If they are like this treatment, then it will go really well. I hope and pray that this will be. I am scared some and realize that all of this is in the hands of my LORD--Elohim!
Pressing on!

Who'da guess

Well, after a very long weekend, I got to work. Yes, having the flu and getting ready for work is just not my idea of fun. I had to take two days off because the little one was hitting the high notes with the "porcelain god". When I got to work, my dementia patient had the sweetest words for me--"hello beautiful". I cannot tell you how awesome that made me feel. While I do not share some of my feelings with others, others do know some of my feelings. This was the best gift today that I could ever get. I have my highs and my lows and from there some in-betweens. Why should I feel so? I am a straightforward kind of person. I would think that emotional roller-coasters should be left for the experienced. I am not. I hate my rocky emotions at times. I see the looks from others and feel that I need to provide a reason for the emotions. Duh! Emotional woman, news flash! Chill! Breathe! Let it out! It is not ok to hold it in. I have found out lately that I have been holding it in and that means a lot of trouble. I spent the day yesterday sparring, breathing, praying, concentrating, laughing and attempting to sleep. I could not eat much before the feelings of being nauseous came back. But hay! Tonight I get to take some pills for the chemo. Oh, am I just full of the big time! I have to keep myself anchored. I want to work more than ever. I do not want to run, but I sure would love to. Hard, long and fast! Hard, long and fast.

I will get through this. I will continue to press on. All things work for good for those who love the LORD. Pressing on.