So it comes to this

I have been told that the second surgery was excellent. Of course, I am mending quite well and that the median cells removed from the breast were clear!!! I am so excited about that. Now, the next hard journey for the next several months will be Chemotherapy and Radiation Therapy. I am not entirely sure how this will work out with the feelings and to be connected to more medication. Some people are just heros--they can handle needles and IVs and all of that. I used to be able to handle almost anything, but I really have to restate that! I just want to run for the hills when I see the equipment. But, I have to be strong and persevere.

I had a chance to chat with Dr. --- about my comfort level. That was good to be reassured. However, I am still having great issues about being touched. Some days I feel like I could just knock someone out. I almost can feel the breathe on the back of my neck and then want to run for the hills. Sounds a little childish, but that is how I feel. I have to set my feet deep and just remain. I do not know how much longer that will last but I know that I must strive to overcome that feeling. Maybe I should get a t-shirt with the Dirty Hairy theme--"Go ahead, make my day!!" That might have an intriguing aftereffect. Would a green she-hulk shirt work? I have six months of this coming up and then radiation. I can do this?!?

This has certainly been a journey. I am tired and I have been tried by many. I swear, if anyone else asks how I am doing, I am going to lie and tell them something. Or, maybe, really share and let them weigh it out for themselves. I get the looks at the boobs too--that really gets me when I follow the eyes and then they rest on the boobs. What? Is something wrong? Did I not get the prosthesis in right? Hold on! I will get it! Ah, much better. Would that appease everyone? Gee thanks for telling me that my boobs are lopsided. I think I am compensating for being frustrated at the issues. Oh well. Chocolat!

Do you think a water balloon would have the same effect? Hmmm touch it, you tell me?

Would surprise them that I do not have a prosthesis. Pressing on to the goal. Pressing in. Pressing! Hit the button already.

The next step

Today, I had my appointment with my oncologist. I was dreading talking to him and discussing with him what I needed to. I think that I caught him off guard with what I had to say. He thought it was something that he had done and I had to reassure him that I have a history of sexual assault and that it was not by anything that he had done; rather, it was because I had been through a traumatic event and that it is possible that PTSD does effect me. Wow, to say it makes a big difference. So, this is what I need to work on.

Dr. --- told me that I will be starting my chemo next week. My very first experience with this and it will be before Thanksgiving. I should not have any trouble with this and this is awesome! I do not know what to expect and this is something that will be an interesting experience. I will have a chemo class on Monday and I am hoping that Garrett will be able to come along. I was wondering about the kiddo. I am loosing my objectivity and need to get my input from the ones that I trust. I have to entrust that their decisions are very good. This is a huge responsibility. When we are not able to make good decisions, we must be able to know where our help comes from. I am very thankful for this. But others--why is it that I am bothered by some people? Why should I make that much of a great concern?

The look on Dr. ---'s face was good. I must remember to send him a thank you card for a great deed. I remember years ago when I had addressed this with a nurse before a pelvic exam, I was told that the doctor was not going to perform anything sexual. Wow! I did express this to the doc today and I do not know if he has ever had any patient that needed to discuss this. I hope that he is ok. I know that I am and am not ok. This is supposed to get easier as it goes along but it does not. I feel a little lonely and aggravated at the same breath.

I look forward to chatting with my Pastor again. I hope that he does not mind my discussions. It is hard to look him in the eye when I do discuss these things. I have felt a lot of humiliation from an event that happened a long, long time ago.

I will continue to press on. I am pressing on. Pressing on.

Reaching deep down

I had a very interesting night last night. I did a lot of reflecting upon the things that I had spoken about. I wonder--what do I need to validate? Do I need to validate my feelings and thoughts? I have to say that this is far more scarier than anything. My thoughts and feelings are going to be more out in the open and I will have a greater responsibility to address them. My thoughts ran rampant last night.

One thing, in particular, was my capacity to love. What do people see when I choose to live a little more stoic day? I have never been a person to wear my emotions on my sleeves and with the work that I do, I cannot allow emotion to overrun or rule me. But, what do people see? What range of emotions should I display? And for whose purpose do these emotions get displayed? Tough questions that I will be answering them along the way. Aren't my emotions mine? Or, what?

Do I display my emotions so that others can feel good about themselves that they stirred significant emotion from me? I have always been told to keep my emotions in check and professionalism tells me that I am to keep my emotions in check. But! this is a different game altogether. My emotions are really in a turmoil over this whole mess. I feel insecure, frustrated at that capacity, upset that others do not understand me and then I get frustrated that I do not need to validate my emotions for anyone. This is really confusing me about how I have been feeling. I know that I should allow my feelings to be completely free to be expressed, but when these emotions are coming and no one seems to be comfortable with them, then what? Is it my fault?

I seem to feel emotional regurgitation. This is frustrating. The Cancer Resource Center tells me that it is ok to feel these emotions. But, not everyone reads this material and do not understand the range.

When I spoke to my Pastor yesterday, I had left the conversation with shakes and shivers. Although this is something that needs to be discussed, it put me into shock. This I did not anticipate. I wonder how many more times this will happen. Then I began feeling more shame and frustration about my feelings. I know that I should not feel shame, but I do. I thought that it was long buried; I guess not. Some emotions are more destructive than others. I am pressing on. Must continue to press on. Pressing on!

Sharing

Well, I did it. But, wow, not I have a huge responsibility to continue to share and press on. We all expect to be vulnerable at times but this is a little overwhelming. I try very carefully to word things well and concisely. Today, I shared with my Pastor the history of my rape. Being examined by so many doctors and feeling "exposed" has left me with feelings that I did not want to surface. I have always been willing to address this but now, the emotions are coming forward and they cannot be suppressed. It is not good to suppress these emotions. For a healthy recovery, I am eager to discuss anything. I will have more days of crying ahead and to be expected. The feelings of insecurity are going to surface and to be quite overwhelming. It will be ok. I know that it will. Pressing on.

I am tired

Well, I was in the ER last night with a migraine that was not going to let up. I ended up having an IV with fluids to help. I do not know what was worse--the migraine or the IV solution that was being injected. Just the same, things are much better. I am at the tail end of the migraine and I am very, very tired. I had to clean the apartment as well. Smells are getting to me so bad. But, I have to keep pressing on. This week, I hope to advertise the kittens (now 12 weeks old) and mature enough to be adopted out. I look forward to getting them new homes.

Pressing on!

Sweet Surrender

So, I have been relaxing today. I am very tired from everything. I am looking forward to being able to just close my eyes and to have no worries or anxieties for the day or upcoming day. It is even better to know that my emotions are the same for any other person who has been diagnosed with this illness. I have never been afraid to say the word; however! I am going to relax and have fun with others about this. Watch what you say! I might be the one to put you in a fun place!

Support

Well, this week has been long and hard. I have had an additional surgery and I did very well; however, the anti-nausea medication that was injected into my IV did make me sick. This week all that could break loose did. What I really do not care for is the lack of support that I have gotten. I was told that perhaps that because I am such a [physically and emotionally] strong person, I do not look like I need the support. I do. I suppose that there are many who think that my daughter is helping me out and giving me the necessary support that I need. On the contrary, this has not been the case. This has been quite infuriating.

My emotions have been very tumultuous. I do not think that there are those that completely understand just how much this has bothered me. So I have asked: why is it that no one comes over? Why is it that no one calls? Why is it that I get the looks from people as though things are very different and strange? I do not know. I have been told that it is possible that it is because of fear. That explains a lot of things. But! It is very unkind.

So, now this is where I stand. I had some words, again, with my pastor. I love my church, but I am not in the arena to be guessing about what is available if someone can come over for help and things. I am tired and I need some human contact and conversation. This is difficult.

I had my appointment today with Radiant Care. I will be going to Chemotherapy first before I go to radiation treatment. So, this will be a total of 3 months with one and then with the other about 33 treatments. Oh, how much fun!

I am going to have many difficult days ahead of me and this is why. Until next time.