Things on my mind

For the longest time, I have been trying to get this posting done. Now, here I am. What have I been up to? Well, things are very chaotic just the same. I am working on so much and yet I feel as though I have not been able to get anything accomplished. It seems that all I have been doing is to just work and come home. There is so much to discuss here.

For the most part, I have been making my doc's appointments. I have met with Dr. B and we have discussed my referral. This is something that I have been hesitant of, but I have been wanting this. I cannot handle the injections or the other medications and so, I have asked for a salping-oopherectomy. Too, I want to ask the OB/GYN to take the whole thing. I do not want to go through this all over again and the treatments are being exhausted. Sure, I could wait four more years to see if the cancer will come back, but I do not want to have this happen. Dr. B and I did argue a little bit about what I wanted to have done and he was saying that it is possible that the lack of hormones are what are causing the feelings that I have been experiencing. Ok. So, lets explore this. I feel horrible. The side effects that I had with Lupron were all the above: it felt like another chemo treatment--eyes were sore; headache; stomach upset; constipation; itchy; rash; hives; rocky emotions; and hot flashes. Not that I don't have enough hot flashes, but these are horrible. It was not polite. So, what am I supposed to do? If we suppress the hormones, then I am at risk for bone health and dementia. So? Then, I am at risk no matter what. So, lets take the ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and cervex. This will protect my health and I will not have to worry about cancer popping up in the reproductive system.


What I really dislike is the emotional burden that I have to carry. I do not have anyone to talk to about this and I must have to put this to prayer and to have this placed before my LORD. I do not want anyone else to know about the decisions that I have to make because I do not want to be disappointed with respect to the persons that are supposed to be there. I think about this all the time. What really is our responsibility toward the other person? We really do have a lot of responsibility but we do not have the teaching today about what we are to do to reach out and actually help. Who is going to teach? Who wants to learn? I know that I do for both counts.

What to do? Where to begin? Who do I share this with? I am sharing this with you but you are so far away and not right here. Should that matter? Yes, it should and no, it should not. I really have no intention of telling PM about what is going on. I will tell JC and the Papa PJ. What matter does it make what I tell him? I have gone through all of this and no visits. Why should I be concerned? If I were married, that might be a different issue. Why should a person be worthy of home visits? I know that I must let this go. I am looking at things now with so many demands. I would love some home visits. It is getting time for N to call, but I really do not want to chat. I do not want to be told anything anymore. I do not want to be laughed at or giggled at because of not knowing what to do. I am very irritated at this whole situation. I never did realize that company and home visits were not part of the mix. I did not realize that this would be that lonely of a walk. But, I do realize that there is still so much to be done and so much to get prepared for. I am looking forward to getting the freezer stocked for the big day.

So, if I do get this surgery, then I will be very sore and will not be able to do a whole lot of lifting and carrying. This might be done laproscopically and not with a bakini cut. This reminds me of when I had my gallbladder out. I just want to get this done and over with and get things behind me once again. By taking out this little factory, I may have the reassurance that I will not have to worry about the estrogen attacking my other breast. I want all of this behind me. I remember what the statistics were for this not coming back--very low. I believe it was about 10 percent. So, this is ok.


I do not want many to know. I really do not want a whole lot of people to know. I remember the first surgery. I do not want anyone to have the opportunity to talk about all of this. I do not want anyone to pity me or to feel sorry for me. But, even more so, I do not want anyone to feel that I need to be discussed throughout. I am not the rumor mill, nor will I be the butt of the rumors as well. If no one is going to help out, then they do not need to know.


I will be doing my best to get this going.


Looking. Pushing. Pressing.

Moving beyond again

This past couple of days has been very interesting for me. I have been thinking over the past several days and the doc's appointments that I have been having. I want to ask for my ovaries being removed. What I am not sure what to expect is the recovery. I have read up on the long-term effects and I am not sure that I want to even be thinking of it. But, I do know that the treatment of all of the breast cancer has been exhausted. I need to be thinking of getting rid of the estrogen factory and do that quickly. I am looking forward to having to worry less about all of this.

I have been noticing too, that my emotions have not been as creepy and crazy. I am working hard at keeping my emotions under wraps. I was told by JC that my emotions are not a weakness. Yea, sure! I cannot think but that my emotions have been just that--a weakness. For the past year since Chemo started, my emotions have been coming to the top and I have been crying so much. Yes, Chemo has a way of making things come out. But, things really did come out. They bubbled to the surface and now they are out and I have to address them. But, now, things have changed once again. I do not want anyone to know the follow-up procedures. I do not want anyone to know anymore about my treatment or anything else along that line. I can ask for prayer and I can ask for a littlebit of conversation. But, there is a new task at hand. I do not want any more of this to be messed with. This has really been a burden on me for some time and it has been hard on my family. I have gotten quite a bit of criticism from my child. Sure, she is a teen and it is hard on her. But, I am still in need of communication and reaching out from others, but not at the extent of it creating more troubles from her. This is the hardest thing next in this journey. I do not want anything else to mess with the family. I have to deal with the kiddo getting her phone back from me taking it away. I am not pleased with the attitude that I have gotten from her and with the recommendation from PM she is getting it back. However, I will be giving my own sanctioning system and this will be something that I must be very adamant about.

I look back at the year and it has been extremely hard. I look back at this time last year and I was waiting to get the appointment with Dr. B. The insurance paperwork was all messed up and from that point, I was being tossed back and forth from the clinic to oncology and back again. I had to become my own referral and from there things began to get a little more organized. I was waiting for my surgical consulation and then surgery. I did not realize what was to come and what was to follow. Now, I am looking at a possible surgery that I want. I want to be able to put this behind me and to be ready for the next stage in things.

I can see so many other different things as well. I can see just how much PM was not ready for me. I can see just how much I really have stirred many things up. One of my biggest challenges to come will to be walking around without anyone knowing what is going on. I need to be able to carry on without giving away any more of my thoughts. "Do not cast your pearls among swines". Not that everyone there at HLCC are swines, but I do not want to set myself up for a disaster waiting and expecting anyone to understand what I am going through. I just cannot go through that all over again. This past week, N has been on my mind. I have gotten some good word about this situation. She had told me something Sunday that has put a different twist on things. I know more that PM must put his trust in these people despite the lack of knowledge or understanding that they have and to be able to work on such a deficit. It really angers me so much but that is not for me to say. I must accept this. I realize more and more that it is THIS that I cannot accept. I was told something that has hurt my heart deeply but I should know better. What I was told was that "I cannot add myself to your emotion." Ok. She had told me that she knew that HLCC was the bone of my contention. But, she did not know exactly what was at the core and this I cannot tell her anymore. So, at prayer on Tuesday, N prayed. It was like nails on a blackboard. I could not take it. It made me feel in pain and it was so unbearable. I cannot explain it anymore. I was working with a headache and to hear the pitch of her prayer was unmistakable pain. I have heard her pray like this before and it has caused me the same amount of pain that I could not bear. I do not understand why.

In the conversation with JC, we discussed expectation. Intersting, this time last year it was PM that I "spoke" with. This year it is JC. My head is reeling from a lot of this. My heart is just full of so much that I am telling myself that I must put my heart in the LORD and I must keep my conversations and my conduct different. What I can keep from others is very important. I must keep things from those people who do not understand. I must find someone that I can keep my discussions with confident. I must know who I can lean upon. My other G is in the hospital and it is uncertain, really, how he is doing. He was in for his procedure a couple of weeks ago and he is in renal failure. There has been noted some change and for the sake of the LORD I hope so. Do I dare hope that he will be mending and made whole? That sounds selfish. He has been a huge support for me. He has heard so much from me. He has counseled me. He has been my friend. I do not call many friend.

What to do. I am working hard to not have any more share with some. I want to get beyond all of this. I want to move beyond again.

Moving. Looking. Expecting.

Some new things

I have to say that some days are getting a lot more easier. I had my neurological appointment this week and I was given some good news about my migraines. I was told that these may be hormone related and that I can attempt taking things to help relieving them. I was told that I might be able to take some natural things--ginger tea and some magnesium. I will be happy to take more naturual things than the prescribed meds. I hate the side effects. If this does not work, then I will be looking at taking more than just the naturals. Too, I am going to be asking my doc to refer me to have my ovaries yanked. If these babies are responsible for all of this, I would like to have them gone. If this may prevent the cancer from coming back, I am all for it. I am happy to go through the surgery and get it over with. Too, if the hormones are causing my migraines, then that will be much better for me as well.

I know that this is causing me more anguish than I would like to say. I hate the migraines and I really hate the feelings that come with it. I hate even more not being able to really put my feet up and rest and sleep from feeling like crap. I am looking forward to feeling more rested and being able to tackle the day. I want sleep. Last weekend, I was so tired from work and school that I couuld barely keep my eyes open and to keep my feet from just shuffling too much.

I do know that I am sharing less with everyone. I am not willing to be that open again about stuff. It is not a matter of telling all; it is a matter of what I choose to share and what I want to be discussed. For the most part, N told me something that I did not understand on Sunday. "I cannot join you in your emotions". Ok. I do not understand what she meant but I do understand that if it is not in her to be able to help out, then I will not allow her to know anymore. I am slowly keeping things to myself so it does not seem that it is so abrupt. This is hard. I need the company and the convesation, but I will have to keep that to myself. I know that when I reach out, it will be ok. This is a season that I am willing to go through. When I have that confidant again, it will be good. But, for the most part, I will be keeping things close to myself. I want to opt for surgery and I do not want anyone from HLCC to know. NO ONE! It will be interesting to see how this will go. I know what I have been through and I do not want to continue to go through this alone. But, I do not want anyone to know what is going on and from there, not have anyone who is willing to help out. I will continue to pay for J. She has been helpful. But that is not her job as well. I am looking forward to having some help. But, not if it means having to sell my soul. I remember saying to PM "I beg of you, please do not ask me to do this." Reaching out to some of them that is. I want to try and reverse this. We shall see.

Looking. Reaching. Trusting.

As I continue

There are many things that I do know and that is how much I do not like what the chemo has done to me. I know that it was a necessary treatment and that without it I would not be alive. Sure. I understand. Now, I have to deal with all of the post chemo stuff--the headaches and the migraine. I was having a cluster of them at one point and then it subsided. I am experiencing one right now and it is making me sick to my stomach. I am extremely tired right now and this is not helping me with it. Sound, light, motion are all making me have great difficulty. I have to drive home yet and from there, I have to take the little one off to school. There are times I do not know how I do it. But, I do. I have a phone apt with JC and I will have to cancel that one.

Now, I have to deal with my little one and her behavior. I am not looking forward to addressng it but I will do it for however long I need to. I had to call the police on her on Saturday and that was very difficult. She had brought drugs into my house and I was not going to put up with it. I was told some very difficult things from her and I have to remember to forgive and forget. That will be very difficult to do. For the most part, I want to just go on vacation and not come back. The load of all of this is just too much. I want some things to go away but I know that they will not.

Some how, I think that my little one is doing the things that she is doing in a way to get back at me for going through what I have been through. This past year of things has been difficult. Two things she said "you have not been there for me" and "when I am 18 you will never see me again". That hurts so much. I must keep a harder outside shell and not let these things bother me. I need to show that they do not bother me. I hope that I will be successful in that endeavor.

My head hurts quite a bit and I will be calling in sick. I have to get some sleep and take some pain reliever.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Really trying hard.

One thing or another

This past weekend has been very difficult for me. I had gotten the news that one of my friends who had been battling uterine cancer lost her battle. I was deeply hurt by this and am still. No one told me about it. No one told me. I knew that she was not doing well and was becoming more and more worried for her. But, she lost her battle on August 30. This is very difficult to hear. Was difficult to hear. I know that she is with the LORD and that is very comforting to know. But, I did not get to go to her service. That saddens me. Perhaps I was not told because it would have upset me so? Well, it did.

Then, I had to call the police on my own child. I had been suspecting that she has been stealing from me for a long time and now, I have had many things confirmed. I searched her bedroom. Then I had the opportunity to search her backpack. And, what to my surprise did I find? I found one of her pencil boxes used to store her pipe and an empty baggie. I cannot say just how much anger and bitterness that has been stirred from all of this. This has seemed to be a regurgitation from last year and the lack of strength and energy that I did not have. I was not able to do much let alone get to work. Now, knowing that my child has been mixed up in sordid events makes me ill. I realize that I must get past this and to work towards the solution. The solution is going to be very difficult and I must have a lot of courage and strength.

Too, this weekend started out with more illness. I had been to the doc's office and I have been told that I have two infected ears. That just bites so much. My discomfort has been noted and for this, I am very careful about my activities. I hate not feeling well and this has been added to my stress. I have been taking antibiotics for the infection and it has helped, but it has not completely gone away. In a few days, I will have another doc's apt and we shall see the progress.

Keeping it going for courage's sake.
Pressing on. Pushing on.