I am deeply amazed at some things. I must say that I am eager to see the light of what is going on in my home. Yes, it has been a year now since I have started my chemo and gotten into the mix of things. In a few days, I will have had my head shaved from what was going on with chemo. For the anniversary, I have had my head shaved again. But, that is just the tip of the iceberg. This past several weeks, there have been so many difficulties in the home that I cannot just sit back and hope for some relief. No, the relief does not come. No, the relief is not anywhere in sight. But, I keep working through these difficulties. I am not happy, nor pleased at the events that have been going on. Yes, the kiddo. What do I say?
Well, it has been nearly seven months and the tiny livestock is still here. No matter what I try to do, it is not going to go away any time soon. It does not help that there are other parents that the kiddo goes to visit and that she brings it to their house. I wonder what goes on with other parents regarding all of this. I would love to have a conversation with some of these parents and see what they know about their own children. But, I wonder if they really do care or if they are just waiting the time until they actually move away from home. I wonder. I cannot help but to wonder. I am tired all the time and have a lot of stress and anxiety built up regarding all of this. I have no relief. I look forward to relief. In the meantime, I must be able to get my tasks done and completed. I really want to some time to just relax and to get my obligations completed.
These matters are just a concept for some. This is my reality. I look back at the year of events and no matter what, I am no closer to getting some answers. What must I do? I am going to figure some things out if necessary. Parenthood is very difficult for me these days. The lies that I am given and the behaviors that I have seen add up to many things. It has been a long year and now, this? I still have so much to do.
And then, I thought that I would have an adult night with some of the ladies from the church. Oh, was I wrong. So, I made a small faux pas and now, do I feel small for it. "oh, just wanted to tell you something small...about your phone". Ok. I have to remember that I am with people that are very "soft" around the edges. I have to remember that I must keep a distance from many or they might feel put off with me. It is amazing. So many do not undestand the past year and how do I explain it all? I can't. I will not any more. What is mine, is mine. I have no desire to keep others in the loop about what is going on. How can anyone understand what is going on. At times, I do not understand what is going on. But, I do understand that I must go through this. I am hoping and believing that this will improve.
Looking. Hoping. Believing on.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
For every season turn, turn, turn
For every season turn, turn, turn. Good song, but the application can really hurt at times. When I last wrote, I was being angered by some things that were not right at the church. Yes, two of the ladies have been a very interesting crew. Two persons who took it upon themselves to discuss personal information out of turn to each other. So, since then, I have been asked for forgiveness from one person and not the other. It seems that the other person has not appologized for their behavior. This is wrong. It has been a long year and what irritates me the most is the injustice behind what was done. Sure, we all do bonehead things; but, what we do with all of that is up to us. Are we going to change what we are supposed to change, or are we going to be willing to take some strong medicine and change things. I am willing to take some strong medicine and I am willing to give some strong medicine.
It has been a long and drawn out week. Last week, I had had an appointment with my OB/GYN. We were discussing some aspects of my care for the hormone suppression. All my adult life, I have had difficulties with my cycles and now, things are very much so pressing. The plans were that I was to get the shots. Well, that did not go as I had planned. Of course. The side effects were just too much and the emotional swings that I would get was too much as well. The hot flashes are continuing, thank goodness. But the Lupron that I was receiving were just that much more extreme. I cannot wait for this to be done.
So, I had asked that I could have my ovaries removed. If that were the case, then the danger of estrogen buildup in my body would be reduced and my other breast would be protected as well as other parts of my body. Well, that was going on to two weeks ago that I had had this appointment. The doctor said that she needed to speak to my oncologist and confer with him what was going on. She had said tht she wanted to get more information about my request and the outcomes of the rapid reduction of estrogen with respect to the treatments and the other stuff. I do not know how much I can take of this. I was asked if I had taken another drug and I had said no. The only drugs that were used were the tomaxofin and the lupron. Yuck!!! I really do not care for either one of those, but I was willing to just get this over with. So, I have not heard anyting back from either my oncologist or from the Ob/GYN. Makes you wonder. So much time is passing and it is good. I hate this journey, but I am learning to say much more with respect to what I have to do. I know that I have to continue with the journey. I have no choice. But, what I have noticed just the same is that the tension, stress and the added aggravation persists. I do not like that. Paperwork beyond all things and from that point, more doctor's appointments. I still have to get my other mammogram and a return visit with my neurologist. I have had so much other stuff going on from my kiddo that it has distracted me from all other things. I really am tired. Not just weary from all of the medical appointments, but from the whole journey of it all. I work still and it is tiring to go home and find out that things were not done and etc. But, now, recently, my kiddo has been acting out and that has been taking my time away. I need to be very diligent about that as well. I still want to continue to seek after what I want to do with my business and it is amazing to see just how much time I do have. Plus reading and studying my Bible. That is another thing that I plan on keeping track of.
Moving along. Turning. Journying on.
It has been a long and drawn out week. Last week, I had had an appointment with my OB/GYN. We were discussing some aspects of my care for the hormone suppression. All my adult life, I have had difficulties with my cycles and now, things are very much so pressing. The plans were that I was to get the shots. Well, that did not go as I had planned. Of course. The side effects were just too much and the emotional swings that I would get was too much as well. The hot flashes are continuing, thank goodness. But the Lupron that I was receiving were just that much more extreme. I cannot wait for this to be done.
So, I had asked that I could have my ovaries removed. If that were the case, then the danger of estrogen buildup in my body would be reduced and my other breast would be protected as well as other parts of my body. Well, that was going on to two weeks ago that I had had this appointment. The doctor said that she needed to speak to my oncologist and confer with him what was going on. She had said tht she wanted to get more information about my request and the outcomes of the rapid reduction of estrogen with respect to the treatments and the other stuff. I do not know how much I can take of this. I was asked if I had taken another drug and I had said no. The only drugs that were used were the tomaxofin and the lupron. Yuck!!! I really do not care for either one of those, but I was willing to just get this over with. So, I have not heard anyting back from either my oncologist or from the Ob/GYN. Makes you wonder. So much time is passing and it is good. I hate this journey, but I am learning to say much more with respect to what I have to do. I know that I have to continue with the journey. I have no choice. But, what I have noticed just the same is that the tension, stress and the added aggravation persists. I do not like that. Paperwork beyond all things and from that point, more doctor's appointments. I still have to get my other mammogram and a return visit with my neurologist. I have had so much other stuff going on from my kiddo that it has distracted me from all other things. I really am tired. Not just weary from all of the medical appointments, but from the whole journey of it all. I work still and it is tiring to go home and find out that things were not done and etc. But, now, recently, my kiddo has been acting out and that has been taking my time away. I need to be very diligent about that as well. I still want to continue to seek after what I want to do with my business and it is amazing to see just how much time I do have. Plus reading and studying my Bible. That is another thing that I plan on keeping track of.
Moving along. Turning. Journying on.
Friday, October 21, 2011
A blast into another unknown
I know that I have said how much some things really irk me, but I have to say it again. There are some things that really irk me. So, this past week has been full of adventure and fun. Really, NOT! I should be known by now for my apparent wit and humor. There have been so many things that have been going on this past year that I just have to say should not have happened. The events of this past year have really taken my family for such a drastic change. Since my last posting, I have had to make some very difficult decisions over my kiddo. She is 15 years old and now has the experience of having smoked marijuana. Where do I start? I do not know.
Since my diagnosis, I have had to accept that I am not in control of many things. Yes, I am not to be in control of many things. However, I am still responsible for making sure that my family is taken care of. There have not been many to come and help and every time that I think about it, I get very furious and very angry. I know, I realize that I must put that to the LORD and ask for help with this. This past year, I have seen so many strange and difficult things that have really been damaging to my family. I have had to be home trying to take care of myself while I watch my daughter go out of control with boyfriends and the like. I have suspected many things--primarily sex, drugs and smoking. I know two are correct but I am uncertain about her having sex. I know that I should not be so sure about that. It is possible that she may have been doing that as well. I have watched her go on while I have been helpless to do anything else. I was only able to take care of myself and that was barely at that. I worked and brought home a lot of money and attempted to stay in class. I was a fool about that. But, just the same, I did make an actual effort to keep in touch and in stride with things.
I watched her as she did bonehead things. I watched as she tried to make decisions about herself and trying to be very grown-up. I have attempted to make conversation and to no end. I have watched while others were not there to help or to provide any support. Cancer sucks!!! I have watched many things. People around me just did not know what to do. I was ostricized for so much and so many people kept their distance from me. While I was having difficulties with the things that were stirred up from past assualts, I had to war with myself about many thoughts and actions. I had a very difficult time. But, this month has been especially frustrating as I have seen some things become central.
I had to call the police on my daughter for drug paraphernalia possession. Now, she will be going to report and will have this on her record for some time. She has a lot to do to make up for it. Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that her liscense has been revoked and she will not be able to regain in for some time. This really solidifies things. She is getting the help that she was supposed to get many months ago.
Too, she has been itching and scratching. Yes, the tiny livestock!!! They have not paid rent either!!! I hate those things. I had to treat her this past weekend and it was more than what I could bear. I cleaned the entire apartment. But, what precipitated this was the straw that broke the camel's back--really. I was told that I could not come into our Home Group because of all of this. But, what was more aggravating was that one of the ladies from prayer had taken it upon herself to call this other person out of panic. So, I get the phone call of "I just heard"! Well, that was not for her to hear and passing on gossip was the hardest. At the time, I had no idea who had shared. So, I had asked before Sunday service. I did express to this person that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just cannot accept this type of behavior. Because my kiddo has had tiny livestock, I was not allowed to come to Home Group. Ok. So, let us fight fire with fire. When I chatted with PM, he told me that they can "jump". Well, ain't that about the most ignorant thing that I could have heard. SO, yes, I did. I emailed him with correct information surrounding these little critters. I was really amazed that this "well read" person did not know what he was talking about. Yes, I took it upon myself to correct him. Yea, chastize me later. I really don't care!@!
So, I had called this person and had expressed on voice mail that I was not going to return to prayer. I additionally expressed that the tiny livestock was nothing compared to the infection that I had acquired during chemo that was more contagious than the other little critters. No one seemed to be afraid of that. They were more concerned about the tiny livetock than a potentially contagious skin condition. We shall see, won't we!!! Am I upset? Oh, yes I am. This makes me feel more like a leper than when I did with the cancer treatment. To continue, I had called the other lady and left the same message on her phone that I did with the other. The first called back and apologized for her behavior and was concerned that she would have to step down from her position as prayer leader. I had told her that it would be unncessary because we all do bonehead things. She was nearly in tears (yes, I have to say that it was a little rewarding to hear that gossip can be punishable by emotions). I had expressed to her that she was not to step down and that despite her calling the pastor, I did not want her to step down. (I called the pastor myself and expressed the same thing.) Good! She can have a few sleepless nights like I have had for months. Yes, for months. Now, the other person has not called me to have any conversation. But, that is ok. What I told both of them will make a huge difference. Let us see just how much gets around the church. I will be happy to hear what is going on and let the ball roll where it may. I am so tired of all of this. For such a long time, my daughter has heard the rumor mill and so now, I have added something that everyone should reallly enjoy. I am looking forward to hearing some good juicy gossip come back to me. I am also looking forward to the looks and the separation and the distance. I am going to enjoy this once again. I have had my trust invaded and now, this is just not easy to handle. It is back to square one in some aspects. But, for the most part, I certainly hope that these persons learn to grow up and understand what they have been preaching. Be kind to one another. It really does make a difference.
Pushing in. Pressing on. Listening and watching.
Since my diagnosis, I have had to accept that I am not in control of many things. Yes, I am not to be in control of many things. However, I am still responsible for making sure that my family is taken care of. There have not been many to come and help and every time that I think about it, I get very furious and very angry. I know, I realize that I must put that to the LORD and ask for help with this. This past year, I have seen so many strange and difficult things that have really been damaging to my family. I have had to be home trying to take care of myself while I watch my daughter go out of control with boyfriends and the like. I have suspected many things--primarily sex, drugs and smoking. I know two are correct but I am uncertain about her having sex. I know that I should not be so sure about that. It is possible that she may have been doing that as well. I have watched her go on while I have been helpless to do anything else. I was only able to take care of myself and that was barely at that. I worked and brought home a lot of money and attempted to stay in class. I was a fool about that. But, just the same, I did make an actual effort to keep in touch and in stride with things.
I watched her as she did bonehead things. I watched as she tried to make decisions about herself and trying to be very grown-up. I have attempted to make conversation and to no end. I have watched while others were not there to help or to provide any support. Cancer sucks!!! I have watched many things. People around me just did not know what to do. I was ostricized for so much and so many people kept their distance from me. While I was having difficulties with the things that were stirred up from past assualts, I had to war with myself about many thoughts and actions. I had a very difficult time. But, this month has been especially frustrating as I have seen some things become central.
I had to call the police on my daughter for drug paraphernalia possession. Now, she will be going to report and will have this on her record for some time. She has a lot to do to make up for it. Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that her liscense has been revoked and she will not be able to regain in for some time. This really solidifies things. She is getting the help that she was supposed to get many months ago.
Too, she has been itching and scratching. Yes, the tiny livestock!!! They have not paid rent either!!! I hate those things. I had to treat her this past weekend and it was more than what I could bear. I cleaned the entire apartment. But, what precipitated this was the straw that broke the camel's back--really. I was told that I could not come into our Home Group because of all of this. But, what was more aggravating was that one of the ladies from prayer had taken it upon herself to call this other person out of panic. So, I get the phone call of "I just heard"! Well, that was not for her to hear and passing on gossip was the hardest. At the time, I had no idea who had shared. So, I had asked before Sunday service. I did express to this person that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just cannot accept this type of behavior. Because my kiddo has had tiny livestock, I was not allowed to come to Home Group. Ok. So, let us fight fire with fire. When I chatted with PM, he told me that they can "jump". Well, ain't that about the most ignorant thing that I could have heard. SO, yes, I did. I emailed him with correct information surrounding these little critters. I was really amazed that this "well read" person did not know what he was talking about. Yes, I took it upon myself to correct him. Yea, chastize me later. I really don't care!@!
So, I had called this person and had expressed on voice mail that I was not going to return to prayer. I additionally expressed that the tiny livestock was nothing compared to the infection that I had acquired during chemo that was more contagious than the other little critters. No one seemed to be afraid of that. They were more concerned about the tiny livetock than a potentially contagious skin condition. We shall see, won't we!!! Am I upset? Oh, yes I am. This makes me feel more like a leper than when I did with the cancer treatment. To continue, I had called the other lady and left the same message on her phone that I did with the other. The first called back and apologized for her behavior and was concerned that she would have to step down from her position as prayer leader. I had told her that it would be unncessary because we all do bonehead things. She was nearly in tears (yes, I have to say that it was a little rewarding to hear that gossip can be punishable by emotions). I had expressed to her that she was not to step down and that despite her calling the pastor, I did not want her to step down. (I called the pastor myself and expressed the same thing.) Good! She can have a few sleepless nights like I have had for months. Yes, for months. Now, the other person has not called me to have any conversation. But, that is ok. What I told both of them will make a huge difference. Let us see just how much gets around the church. I will be happy to hear what is going on and let the ball roll where it may. I am so tired of all of this. For such a long time, my daughter has heard the rumor mill and so now, I have added something that everyone should reallly enjoy. I am looking forward to hearing some good juicy gossip come back to me. I am also looking forward to the looks and the separation and the distance. I am going to enjoy this once again. I have had my trust invaded and now, this is just not easy to handle. It is back to square one in some aspects. But, for the most part, I certainly hope that these persons learn to grow up and understand what they have been preaching. Be kind to one another. It really does make a difference.
Pushing in. Pressing on. Listening and watching.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Headaches and migraines
Headaches and migraines! I really hate them. I had noticed that I did not put any magnesium in my mulitpack that I take every day. For the past month, I have not had any significant migraines until this weekend. I am tired from them and I am not enjoying the day with them. Of course, they are not a whole lot of fun. I can see that the magnesium has been helping out quite a bit. I am glad that my neurologist suggested them to me. It is a whole lot better than taking any regular med that might cause any long lasting side effects. I have been doing my best to stay on top of drinking my water and eating well. Sleep? Well, that is an issue all of its own. I have been working a lot of graveyard shifts and so I am very tired. I wish that I could take just a few days off from everything and relax. I need to relax. I would love not to have to worry about anything for some time being. That would be great.
I met with PM after church today and it was intersting. Normally, the little one, PM and myself would meet after service, but today, my little one slept in because she was tired from the downstairs neighbors. I really do not like that kind of noise while I am sleeping or away from the apt.
I was so tired from the night shift. I have one more for the week and I will be a happy camper. A couple more shifts like this and I will be paying off some bills quicker than what I was expecting. It would be nice to have some things done and out of the way. But, I am tired. I hate the headache feeling and the way that I am slow and not on top of things. It tires me out incredibly. I really hate it.
Just the same, it is good. I really could use some sleep.
Pressing in. Pushing on. Sleeping on?
I met with PM after church today and it was intersting. Normally, the little one, PM and myself would meet after service, but today, my little one slept in because she was tired from the downstairs neighbors. I really do not like that kind of noise while I am sleeping or away from the apt.
I was so tired from the night shift. I have one more for the week and I will be a happy camper. A couple more shifts like this and I will be paying off some bills quicker than what I was expecting. It would be nice to have some things done and out of the way. But, I am tired. I hate the headache feeling and the way that I am slow and not on top of things. It tires me out incredibly. I really hate it.
Just the same, it is good. I really could use some sleep.
Pressing in. Pushing on. Sleeping on?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Still moving along
Today has been a very long day. Well, actually, the past 24 hours has been incredibly long. I have been working my usual graveyard shift and I am extremely tired. I am so tired that I am wired. What a strange feeling. Just the same, I have had very little sleep, if any. In a matter of a few hours, I will be home and I will be ready for bed. I will take my morning vitamins and off to "bed". I have seen an incredibly long day. I was able to make my ENT appointment and it was what I had expected. I am normal. Yes, do not laugh. I am normal. But, my ears and throat still hurt. The doc said that he could not see anything wrong with the exam; just the same, the pain persists. Yes, I have a clue as to what is going on. However, I must not let the worries and stress of post-chemo life weigh me down. Because of the chemo, I have some permanant side effects. My ears will be one of them. While my hearing is not changed drastically, I can tell the difference. The changes are subtle. In some aspects, I can hear some very strange things. My hearing is heightened. It is a pain in the rump; but, it is what it is.
I have to meet up with the neurologist now for the results of my MRI for my migraines. YES! post-chemo life is not the same. In many aspects, I am busier with medical appointments from all that the chemo/blood-sludge/toxic mud did to me. BUT! Praise GOD! I am pressing along. Too, I am really amazed at how much I am. I am still working and am really amazed at how I survived chemo and working. BY the grace of GOD I am here! I really have to say that. With all that I have to go through with medical appointments and the obligations that I have, it is amazing how I fit it all in a day. I get so tired and I get so filled up that I do not want to do anything else in a day. And I realize that I must do it. If people only knew what I did in a day. Well, perhaps, after these postings, they will. But, I do know that only a few people read them now. HA! It is a safe place to write my feelings down. It was very funny how PM had told me the last couple of weeks ago for me to "talk to someone". I have been quiet and that scared him, I suppose. But, there have been many things that have been going on. Silence is a good thing. It can be used to rely upon when the emotions are so bogged down. It is not a bad thing. It actually is a very normal and healthy compensation. I just do that again! It was interesting to see the response.
So, I am tired. I am looking forward to some sleep and getting my bedroom in order. I have several knitted and crocheted projects nearly complete for donation. I am looking forward to the donation!
Pressing in. Pushing on. Beginning more.
I have to meet up with the neurologist now for the results of my MRI for my migraines. YES! post-chemo life is not the same. In many aspects, I am busier with medical appointments from all that the chemo/blood-sludge/toxic mud did to me. BUT! Praise GOD! I am pressing along. Too, I am really amazed at how much I am. I am still working and am really amazed at how I survived chemo and working. BY the grace of GOD I am here! I really have to say that. With all that I have to go through with medical appointments and the obligations that I have, it is amazing how I fit it all in a day. I get so tired and I get so filled up that I do not want to do anything else in a day. And I realize that I must do it. If people only knew what I did in a day. Well, perhaps, after these postings, they will. But, I do know that only a few people read them now. HA! It is a safe place to write my feelings down. It was very funny how PM had told me the last couple of weeks ago for me to "talk to someone". I have been quiet and that scared him, I suppose. But, there have been many things that have been going on. Silence is a good thing. It can be used to rely upon when the emotions are so bogged down. It is not a bad thing. It actually is a very normal and healthy compensation. I just do that again! It was interesting to see the response.
So, I am tired. I am looking forward to some sleep and getting my bedroom in order. I have several knitted and crocheted projects nearly complete for donation. I am looking forward to the donation!
Pressing in. Pushing on. Beginning more.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Things on my mind
For the longest time, I have been trying to get this posting done. Now, here I am. What have I been up to? Well, things are very chaotic just the same. I am working on so much and yet I feel as though I have not been able to get anything accomplished. It seems that all I have been doing is to just work and come home. There is so much to discuss here.
For the most part, I have been making my doc's appointments. I have met with Dr. B and we have discussed my referral. This is something that I have been hesitant of, but I have been wanting this. I cannot handle the injections or the other medications and so, I have asked for a salping-oopherectomy. Too, I want to ask the OB/GYN to take the whole thing. I do not want to go through this all over again and the treatments are being exhausted. Sure, I could wait four more years to see if the cancer will come back, but I do not want to have this happen. Dr. B and I did argue a little bit about what I wanted to have done and he was saying that it is possible that the lack of hormones are what are causing the feelings that I have been experiencing. Ok. So, lets explore this. I feel horrible. The side effects that I had with Lupron were all the above: it felt like another chemo treatment--eyes were sore; headache; stomach upset; constipation; itchy; rash; hives; rocky emotions; and hot flashes. Not that I don't have enough hot flashes, but these are horrible. It was not polite. So, what am I supposed to do? If we suppress the hormones, then I am at risk for bone health and dementia. So? Then, I am at risk no matter what. So, lets take the ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and cervex. This will protect my health and I will not have to worry about cancer popping up in the reproductive system.
What I really dislike is the emotional burden that I have to carry. I do not have anyone to talk to about this and I must have to put this to prayer and to have this placed before my LORD. I do not want anyone else to know about the decisions that I have to make because I do not want to be disappointed with respect to the persons that are supposed to be there. I think about this all the time. What really is our responsibility toward the other person? We really do have a lot of responsibility but we do not have the teaching today about what we are to do to reach out and actually help. Who is going to teach? Who wants to learn? I know that I do for both counts.
What to do? Where to begin? Who do I share this with? I am sharing this with you but you are so far away and not right here. Should that matter? Yes, it should and no, it should not. I really have no intention of telling PM about what is going on. I will tell JC and the Papa PJ. What matter does it make what I tell him? I have gone through all of this and no visits. Why should I be concerned? If I were married, that might be a different issue. Why should a person be worthy of home visits? I know that I must let this go. I am looking at things now with so many demands. I would love some home visits. It is getting time for N to call, but I really do not want to chat. I do not want to be told anything anymore. I do not want to be laughed at or giggled at because of not knowing what to do. I am very irritated at this whole situation. I never did realize that company and home visits were not part of the mix. I did not realize that this would be that lonely of a walk. But, I do realize that there is still so much to be done and so much to get prepared for. I am looking forward to getting the freezer stocked for the big day.
So, if I do get this surgery, then I will be very sore and will not be able to do a whole lot of lifting and carrying. This might be done laproscopically and not with a bakini cut. This reminds me of when I had my gallbladder out. I just want to get this done and over with and get things behind me once again. By taking out this little factory, I may have the reassurance that I will not have to worry about the estrogen attacking my other breast. I want all of this behind me. I remember what the statistics were for this not coming back--very low. I believe it was about 10 percent. So, this is ok.
I do not want many to know. I really do not want a whole lot of people to know. I remember the first surgery. I do not want anyone to have the opportunity to talk about all of this. I do not want anyone to pity me or to feel sorry for me. But, even more so, I do not want anyone to feel that I need to be discussed throughout. I am not the rumor mill, nor will I be the butt of the rumors as well. If no one is going to help out, then they do not need to know.
I will be doing my best to get this going.
Looking. Pushing. Pressing.
For the most part, I have been making my doc's appointments. I have met with Dr. B and we have discussed my referral. This is something that I have been hesitant of, but I have been wanting this. I cannot handle the injections or the other medications and so, I have asked for a salping-oopherectomy. Too, I want to ask the OB/GYN to take the whole thing. I do not want to go through this all over again and the treatments are being exhausted. Sure, I could wait four more years to see if the cancer will come back, but I do not want to have this happen. Dr. B and I did argue a little bit about what I wanted to have done and he was saying that it is possible that the lack of hormones are what are causing the feelings that I have been experiencing. Ok. So, lets explore this. I feel horrible. The side effects that I had with Lupron were all the above: it felt like another chemo treatment--eyes were sore; headache; stomach upset; constipation; itchy; rash; hives; rocky emotions; and hot flashes. Not that I don't have enough hot flashes, but these are horrible. It was not polite. So, what am I supposed to do? If we suppress the hormones, then I am at risk for bone health and dementia. So? Then, I am at risk no matter what. So, lets take the ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and cervex. This will protect my health and I will not have to worry about cancer popping up in the reproductive system.
What I really dislike is the emotional burden that I have to carry. I do not have anyone to talk to about this and I must have to put this to prayer and to have this placed before my LORD. I do not want anyone else to know about the decisions that I have to make because I do not want to be disappointed with respect to the persons that are supposed to be there. I think about this all the time. What really is our responsibility toward the other person? We really do have a lot of responsibility but we do not have the teaching today about what we are to do to reach out and actually help. Who is going to teach? Who wants to learn? I know that I do for both counts.
What to do? Where to begin? Who do I share this with? I am sharing this with you but you are so far away and not right here. Should that matter? Yes, it should and no, it should not. I really have no intention of telling PM about what is going on. I will tell JC and the Papa PJ. What matter does it make what I tell him? I have gone through all of this and no visits. Why should I be concerned? If I were married, that might be a different issue. Why should a person be worthy of home visits? I know that I must let this go. I am looking at things now with so many demands. I would love some home visits. It is getting time for N to call, but I really do not want to chat. I do not want to be told anything anymore. I do not want to be laughed at or giggled at because of not knowing what to do. I am very irritated at this whole situation. I never did realize that company and home visits were not part of the mix. I did not realize that this would be that lonely of a walk. But, I do realize that there is still so much to be done and so much to get prepared for. I am looking forward to getting the freezer stocked for the big day.
So, if I do get this surgery, then I will be very sore and will not be able to do a whole lot of lifting and carrying. This might be done laproscopically and not with a bakini cut. This reminds me of when I had my gallbladder out. I just want to get this done and over with and get things behind me once again. By taking out this little factory, I may have the reassurance that I will not have to worry about the estrogen attacking my other breast. I want all of this behind me. I remember what the statistics were for this not coming back--very low. I believe it was about 10 percent. So, this is ok.
I do not want many to know. I really do not want a whole lot of people to know. I remember the first surgery. I do not want anyone to have the opportunity to talk about all of this. I do not want anyone to pity me or to feel sorry for me. But, even more so, I do not want anyone to feel that I need to be discussed throughout. I am not the rumor mill, nor will I be the butt of the rumors as well. If no one is going to help out, then they do not need to know.
I will be doing my best to get this going.
Looking. Pushing. Pressing.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Moving beyond again
This past couple of days has been very interesting for me. I have been thinking over the past several days and the doc's appointments that I have been having. I want to ask for my ovaries being removed. What I am not sure what to expect is the recovery. I have read up on the long-term effects and I am not sure that I want to even be thinking of it. But, I do know that the treatment of all of the breast cancer has been exhausted. I need to be thinking of getting rid of the estrogen factory and do that quickly. I am looking forward to having to worry less about all of this.
I have been noticing too, that my emotions have not been as creepy and crazy. I am working hard at keeping my emotions under wraps. I was told by JC that my emotions are not a weakness. Yea, sure! I cannot think but that my emotions have been just that--a weakness. For the past year since Chemo started, my emotions have been coming to the top and I have been crying so much. Yes, Chemo has a way of making things come out. But, things really did come out. They bubbled to the surface and now they are out and I have to address them. But, now, things have changed once again. I do not want anyone to know the follow-up procedures. I do not want anyone to know anymore about my treatment or anything else along that line. I can ask for prayer and I can ask for a littlebit of conversation. But, there is a new task at hand. I do not want any more of this to be messed with. This has really been a burden on me for some time and it has been hard on my family. I have gotten quite a bit of criticism from my child. Sure, she is a teen and it is hard on her. But, I am still in need of communication and reaching out from others, but not at the extent of it creating more troubles from her. This is the hardest thing next in this journey. I do not want anything else to mess with the family. I have to deal with the kiddo getting her phone back from me taking it away. I am not pleased with the attitude that I have gotten from her and with the recommendation from PM she is getting it back. However, I will be giving my own sanctioning system and this will be something that I must be very adamant about.
I look back at the year and it has been extremely hard. I look back at this time last year and I was waiting to get the appointment with Dr. B. The insurance paperwork was all messed up and from that point, I was being tossed back and forth from the clinic to oncology and back again. I had to become my own referral and from there things began to get a little more organized. I was waiting for my surgical consulation and then surgery. I did not realize what was to come and what was to follow. Now, I am looking at a possible surgery that I want. I want to be able to put this behind me and to be ready for the next stage in things.
I can see so many other different things as well. I can see just how much PM was not ready for me. I can see just how much I really have stirred many things up. One of my biggest challenges to come will to be walking around without anyone knowing what is going on. I need to be able to carry on without giving away any more of my thoughts. "Do not cast your pearls among swines". Not that everyone there at HLCC are swines, but I do not want to set myself up for a disaster waiting and expecting anyone to understand what I am going through. I just cannot go through that all over again. This past week, N has been on my mind. I have gotten some good word about this situation. She had told me something Sunday that has put a different twist on things. I know more that PM must put his trust in these people despite the lack of knowledge or understanding that they have and to be able to work on such a deficit. It really angers me so much but that is not for me to say. I must accept this. I realize more and more that it is THIS that I cannot accept. I was told something that has hurt my heart deeply but I should know better. What I was told was that "I cannot add myself to your emotion." Ok. She had told me that she knew that HLCC was the bone of my contention. But, she did not know exactly what was at the core and this I cannot tell her anymore. So, at prayer on Tuesday, N prayed. It was like nails on a blackboard. I could not take it. It made me feel in pain and it was so unbearable. I cannot explain it anymore. I was working with a headache and to hear the pitch of her prayer was unmistakable pain. I have heard her pray like this before and it has caused me the same amount of pain that I could not bear. I do not understand why.
In the conversation with JC, we discussed expectation. Intersting, this time last year it was PM that I "spoke" with. This year it is JC. My head is reeling from a lot of this. My heart is just full of so much that I am telling myself that I must put my heart in the LORD and I must keep my conversations and my conduct different. What I can keep from others is very important. I must keep things from those people who do not understand. I must find someone that I can keep my discussions with confident. I must know who I can lean upon. My other G is in the hospital and it is uncertain, really, how he is doing. He was in for his procedure a couple of weeks ago and he is in renal failure. There has been noted some change and for the sake of the LORD I hope so. Do I dare hope that he will be mending and made whole? That sounds selfish. He has been a huge support for me. He has heard so much from me. He has counseled me. He has been my friend. I do not call many friend.
What to do. I am working hard to not have any more share with some. I want to get beyond all of this. I want to move beyond again.
Moving. Looking. Expecting.
I have been noticing too, that my emotions have not been as creepy and crazy. I am working hard at keeping my emotions under wraps. I was told by JC that my emotions are not a weakness. Yea, sure! I cannot think but that my emotions have been just that--a weakness. For the past year since Chemo started, my emotions have been coming to the top and I have been crying so much. Yes, Chemo has a way of making things come out. But, things really did come out. They bubbled to the surface and now they are out and I have to address them. But, now, things have changed once again. I do not want anyone to know the follow-up procedures. I do not want anyone to know anymore about my treatment or anything else along that line. I can ask for prayer and I can ask for a littlebit of conversation. But, there is a new task at hand. I do not want any more of this to be messed with. This has really been a burden on me for some time and it has been hard on my family. I have gotten quite a bit of criticism from my child. Sure, she is a teen and it is hard on her. But, I am still in need of communication and reaching out from others, but not at the extent of it creating more troubles from her. This is the hardest thing next in this journey. I do not want anything else to mess with the family. I have to deal with the kiddo getting her phone back from me taking it away. I am not pleased with the attitude that I have gotten from her and with the recommendation from PM she is getting it back. However, I will be giving my own sanctioning system and this will be something that I must be very adamant about.
I look back at the year and it has been extremely hard. I look back at this time last year and I was waiting to get the appointment with Dr. B. The insurance paperwork was all messed up and from that point, I was being tossed back and forth from the clinic to oncology and back again. I had to become my own referral and from there things began to get a little more organized. I was waiting for my surgical consulation and then surgery. I did not realize what was to come and what was to follow. Now, I am looking at a possible surgery that I want. I want to be able to put this behind me and to be ready for the next stage in things.
I can see so many other different things as well. I can see just how much PM was not ready for me. I can see just how much I really have stirred many things up. One of my biggest challenges to come will to be walking around without anyone knowing what is going on. I need to be able to carry on without giving away any more of my thoughts. "Do not cast your pearls among swines". Not that everyone there at HLCC are swines, but I do not want to set myself up for a disaster waiting and expecting anyone to understand what I am going through. I just cannot go through that all over again. This past week, N has been on my mind. I have gotten some good word about this situation. She had told me something Sunday that has put a different twist on things. I know more that PM must put his trust in these people despite the lack of knowledge or understanding that they have and to be able to work on such a deficit. It really angers me so much but that is not for me to say. I must accept this. I realize more and more that it is THIS that I cannot accept. I was told something that has hurt my heart deeply but I should know better. What I was told was that "I cannot add myself to your emotion." Ok. She had told me that she knew that HLCC was the bone of my contention. But, she did not know exactly what was at the core and this I cannot tell her anymore. So, at prayer on Tuesday, N prayed. It was like nails on a blackboard. I could not take it. It made me feel in pain and it was so unbearable. I cannot explain it anymore. I was working with a headache and to hear the pitch of her prayer was unmistakable pain. I have heard her pray like this before and it has caused me the same amount of pain that I could not bear. I do not understand why.
In the conversation with JC, we discussed expectation. Intersting, this time last year it was PM that I "spoke" with. This year it is JC. My head is reeling from a lot of this. My heart is just full of so much that I am telling myself that I must put my heart in the LORD and I must keep my conversations and my conduct different. What I can keep from others is very important. I must keep things from those people who do not understand. I must find someone that I can keep my discussions with confident. I must know who I can lean upon. My other G is in the hospital and it is uncertain, really, how he is doing. He was in for his procedure a couple of weeks ago and he is in renal failure. There has been noted some change and for the sake of the LORD I hope so. Do I dare hope that he will be mending and made whole? That sounds selfish. He has been a huge support for me. He has heard so much from me. He has counseled me. He has been my friend. I do not call many friend.
What to do. I am working hard to not have any more share with some. I want to get beyond all of this. I want to move beyond again.
Moving. Looking. Expecting.
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