Chemo #4

I am approaching my next chemo treatment. I am not sure what to expect but I know that this treatment has created a lot of apprehension for me. I am excited to get this done, but in the same regard, I am hesitant to be willing to get this done. I am looking forward to the end of this all. While I am getting ready for bed, I have had to take the next couple of pills for the treatment and an anti-nausea pill. Tomorrow, someone from my church will be accompanying me and that is a little interesting for me. While my personal bubble has definitely been compromised, I am not all that sure how I will be handling all of this. I cannot take much with me for the treatment and perhaps a DVD. If she is going to be there, I will need to chat with her regarding matters. I am not one for small talk and so figuring out how to get involved with that type of conversation has always been one of those things that gets in the way.

Too, I feel like I am coming down with a cold. I have been working hard not to get sick and I believe that I have been successful. I have been staying warm, keeping away from people intently, and to be taking my vitamins regularly. I have actually been taking more Vit C and extra flax seed oil for the full benefits. I have been drinking my Ovaltine as well. But the stress of everything has been a bit much. I believe that my stress has been too much and that will compromise me as well. I am working on that.

I am very tired as well. I cannot get my housework completed and that has been very trying for me as well. The dishwasher is down and I cannot get my dishes washed. My beautiful little girl does not help out what she needs to. I cannot keep pushing her on that regard because she can only handle so much. She needs to get her homework completed. I worry about my illness and her very much. I worry that she is stressed by this. I worry about PM as well. I hope that all is well and to keep pushing in prayer for everyone. I am constantly reminded that it is not anyone's attitude toward me that counts; rather, it is how their esteem is in my eyes/heart that matters.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Esteeming on.

Beginning of the new week...again

Well, today was an exciting day. Actually, this weekend has been an incredible weekend. I have spent some time trying to get homework done and I have been horribly inefficient in getting it done. But, I have been praying and trying to get things calmed more. This has been more promising than anything else. I have had so many long days that I have not been able to get everything completed on time. I have purchased more music and have been able to load that to my MP3 player. It is exciting!

I have noticed that I am starting to get caught up with some things. I have been the worst in trying to accomplish my long list of things. Despite it all, I am the only person to get things done. This past week, I have actually worked all three of my jobs and gotten some things completed. The apartment is looking a little cleaner--I really hate being that far behind. Since the dishwasher is broken, washing dishes by hand is a pain. I have to stand at the sink and use up good energy. But! I know that it is what I need to do to get my energy. Oddly enough!

I am working more on my dojo. I need to continue to workout to get rid of some of my energies. I do not care to have a loss of energy, but in the same regard, I need to workout to get the energy. This can be fun! I will be working on these things. The energy that I get from my anger will help me quite a bit. I am needing to get this channeled.

Chemo is coming up this week and the peace that I have before it has been curiously suspicious. We shall see. Dr. B will be out of town and I will have Dr. R in his stead. It is going to be very interesting.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Moving on.

More than just being

As I am approaching my next chemo treatment, #4, I am a little bit apprehensive about how I will be tolerating it. My previous treatment did not go well. After this treatment, I will have only two more to go. I am very excited about that for many reasons. The chemo treatments have been hard to deal with emotionally. I have noticed that my behavior has been more changed prior to the chemo treatments. The apprehension of the upcoming treatments is hard to bear. I am not looking forward to the treatment; I have a better understanding what a reaction does and can bring me. I am looking forward to never having to experience it again. It is amazing--if the disease does not kill you the treatment will.

According to the doc, the treatment can cause my hair to fall out and more nausea. Well, the hair is already out and the nausea will be something that I will have to see about. I pray that all will go well. I will have someone from the church with me for company and we shall see how things go. It is definitely going to be a long day.

I am feeling like I want to cry more and hard, but that will not make any difference regarding things. I have to keep myself in control. This week, my hormones have been raging as well. I have been experiencing more hot flashes as well. I had to put my head in the freezer to keep myself cool. After that, I got a bag of frozen beans and had to put that on my head to keep me cool. That has a mixed set of emotions for me. I am looking forward to the end of all of this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking forward.

When things happen

Today I had to go to the kiddo's school to address some things that were brought up about family stuff. This has been the first time that I have had to really express how the chemo has been for me to people who have not been part of this journey. This is very wierd to be telling others about my chemo. Just the same, this has been very angering to have to address something like this again. This type of stuff actually has been very good to maintain my energy. Every so often, I good burst of adrenaline helps the balance of the energy.

I have been working out as well. I am working hard to develop a workout schedule with exercises that are appropriate for me. I am finding that converting my open kitchen area to a small dojo has been quite rewarding in the stead. My energy has been good and my ROM has been great. However, I have noticed that I need to be stretching more and getting my high-kicks up higher. This is going to be interesting. I am noting that I am seeing more definition to my arms and am feeling very good. My incisions are healing nicely and things are slightly knotted. However, I am beginning to see true definition from the surgery. Everthing is looking good and there is no pain or discomfort.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Definition on.

What to expect

What to expect--I am not always able to address that one succinctly. Just when I thought that it was ok, things just come and snap me again. Today was an awesome day at church. My energy level has been crazy and I cannot guarantee that things are going to be the same the next moment. I can stand for a few and then I have to sit. I can walk and then have to stop. The world just keeps changing on me. I look forward to more energy and to being able to be more consistent in energy output. But, that is not always going to happen. I get excited easy. Then I loose it. I get eager for things and then I loose it.

My body temperature is changing as well. All night I had hot flashes that kept me awake. I am looking forward to just being cooler. I am told that I need to be more careful about not getting sick. But there are days that I could walk around in shorts and a T and that would be just perfect. I am looking forward to the warmer weather coming so I can just wear my bandanna instead of the knitted hat as well.

Who knows, perhaps I might go au-naturalle!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Au-naturalle!

The weekend

This is an incredible day today. My family are on the plane coming to see me. I am excited beyond all compare that this is happening. My family, the ones that understand me regardless of my behavior. This acceptance should be more available but is not always. I can feel safe to be me and not worry about judgment or mocking comments or gestures. This is more painful than what the illness can bring. Why should I worry about what people have to say? Having an illness like this has a stigma that is attached. I am well. I am fine; however, not everything is understood by others.

I am excited that my family will be here to simply be supportive. No matter what, the fears will be calmed for a season. My fears will be calmed and acceptance replaced. No matter what, it will be well. No one should be made to feel that they do not have a refuge even for a season. I understand that others' feelings and motives are not mine and I should not be made to feel that way--classic transference.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Feeling on.

So this is Friday

I feel like this is a Bruce Lee movie--Enter the Dragon. Although my zodiac sign is a scorpion and I was born in the year of the dragon, this seems very fitting to be feeling like this. This week has been crazy--pure and simple. I was told by my doc that I have been thrown into menopause. Oh, that makes a whole lot of sense in things. I can understand the feelings that have been so rocky and so crazy. I wonder what I look like to others. Well, today, I was told one thing--now I know. I have so many more questions and yet, my target seems lost once again. I am looking forward to this target staying still.

I was told today that my behavior is turning people away. That makes a whole lot of sense. I am the type of person that will avoid others if that is what really is going on. I will avoid others because of the perception of what things "might" be going on. I certainly do not want others to be felt obligated to be anything other than what they are; however, these days are very difficult and I am not willing to just lie back. I have been told about others who have had breast cancer that they did avoid certain people because of the judgment and the comments that have been made. I am reaching that point very quickly. I am reaching that point where the emotions will be just fine at home and not pressing on to others about how I feel. I have always understood from my work that this is a normal response to when someone feels "ugly or unwanted". I have been with my "folks" when they have felt that they need to be separated because of how others have made them feel. Now, I am on the other side of things. This is how I feel right now. I do not want to sound like a defeatist; however, I can understand the point of "what is the use". The harder that I push, the more difficult it becomes. The more difficult it becomes, the harder I become. I have gotten to that point once again. I feel myself getting harder and I almost enjoy it. My defense mechanisms are up and I am not enjoying that others are just that selfish or ignorant. However, this is the general population. There is a small percent of people who are very sympathetic to events like this. Where are they? Can I come and visit?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Visiting on.