To much of my dismay, there have been many changes to my friendships. Just within the last several weeks, I have had to evaluate the meaning of some of my friendships. It is amazing on how much some people do not understand about what goes on in the life of chemo patient. I have never hated cancer more than what I have been experiencing. The life this cancer has given me has really changed the tomography of my life. While I am out of treatment and not in any treatment at this time, I have experienced so much stress, heartache and headache. Someone said to me, "stress and cancer do not go together". Well, really? Not to sound sarcastic, but that is a given. Much like any other disease, stress is a big enemy. So, what do you do? How do you alleviate all stress? Can you?
From the very beginning of this diagnosis, I have had to live with incredible stress. The matters of my child running all around and doing the things that she did, which resulted in her removal from the home was more stress than what I could even indicate. I worked three jobs and continued with my everyday life. Did I want this? Did I want to rest and relax? I wanted all of this to go away and it did not. Presently, there is still so much going on. Where do I start? My friendships have been evaluated for certain. I have had to evaluate the purpose of my friendships and have had to keep these matters to myself. In fact, one person had taken upon herself to tell me that she had never known anyone to have to be worried about what to eat or any other physical problems after chemo. Yea, like this is a cake walk. I do not think that anyone who has gone through chemo would say that it was easy. While I only went through 6 treatments, the difficulty was nonetheless all that much more frustrating and trying on me.
What must I evaluate? I have lost friendships in this cancer walk. I have lost so much in this cancer walk that it does get to be very difficult to talk about. When I discuss what has been going on with others, they just do not believe what has happened. But, even more so, I have been told that I should continue to discuss this with others as minimally as possible. Yet, on the other hand, I have heard other cancer survivors say that they discuss it with as many people that they know. I cannot even imagine telling others about my cancer walk. My hair has grown back and it has a cute little style. But, even more so, I hate talking to others about it because it has taken such a toll on my life that I do not want to be shared. I do not want others to have any idea about the difficulties I have had to endure. And, they are not gone. They are here.
This past weekend, my kiddo was placed in another Child in Need Services (CHINS). Because of her apparent substance abuse, her inability to take care of herself, her lack of willingness to meet her appointments and her continued behavior of blowing smoke up others' skirts, she is in foster again. Does anyone really understand how I feel? Can I really share how my thoughts are? Does anyone really want to know just how upsetting it is to know that while I was in my darkest of days, she would be out running the streets doing whatever she wanted?
One time a couple weeks back, I had noticed on her hip some bruising. It looked like she had had someone grab at her clothes and they were the equivalent of rug burns. But, it looked like rough sex. To think that my child, whom I did not raise to have drugs or alcohol or cigarettes in the home, does that. I never brought boyfriends home and she never had to listen to me have sex with anyone, let alone for drugs and money. I have always been responsible for my behavior and continued with professionalism. I have gone to school and worked. Now? What is going on? I have had to peel friends away. Then again, if this person was a friend, then this person would not have said the unimaginable things that they had said.
We had had a counselor come to our home. This was interesting. She was green--not very experienced. I had expressed this and BOY! did I get a firestorm of foul language from my "friend". Never should anyone have to hear such language like that. But then again, this is what we do. We like having our adulthood and being able to cuss and swear to the point of utter embarrassment. This should never be. We are adults and there should never be the rationalization of such behavior. It is embarrassing. It is shameful.
My days are long and difficult still. Not as they were before. But, the memories of everything are still so alive. These days are so hard knowing that my kiddo has been removed. When I think about going home, I hate it. The apartment is a mess that has been left behind from her. I have had to work a lot of hours and I am behind in bills. I look forward to a good deep clean. No, I do not live like a pig; but, the place has been neglected. I have been working to get chores done that the kiddo was supposed to do. So, I have to get caught up on these things. Last week, the kiddo was in juvie. Now, she is out of the home. The kiddo's bedroom is so foul smelling it is enough to make me sick. But, that is what it is. Her clothes will be packed up today and from there, I will be getting the room cleaned. I have to clean the carpet. She was smoking in that room while I was to bed or she was at home. And to think that I have to pay for such damages to the unit. I have been there for nearly 8 years; the chances of being charged a whole lot is small. Just the same, things are very challenging. I have to clean, clean, clean. I look forward to a clean home where there is very little mess. I can keep up on my stuff; but, having a child around that does not help out is touch.
The days are long; but, they will get better. It has been nearly two months since I have spoken to the friend. One of which had posted very bad comments on Facebook. This is not ok. So, I blocked this person. It is what it is. I will do that to whomever. It is very shameful that people should act this way. But, when they do, a blocking I will go!
Looking. Thinking. Blocking.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Pondering about difficult things today
It has been a while since I have left my thoughts about what has been going on. I am in a way of sorts and I need to be able to process these things through. I am at a loss today about how to sort my feelings. Last month marked the second annivsary of the chemo being done and I am looking at two years out from radiation. However, I am not out far enough from all the things that have happened since then. There are many difficult things that have happened and I am looking forward to sorting things out. I have found myself missing people that have been here for me. I have found myself missing people who are no longer here; I have been pondering the difficult days of all that has been happening. There has been so much stress that I cannot separate the good days from the overwhelming stress days.
I have been working hard in trying to figure out and process out these emotions and I have not been very successful about doing that. What do I mean? Since my diagnosis, the emotional and physical demand that has been placed in my life has been phenominal. I worked throughout the entire event. I went to work the third day after my first surgery and the next day after my second surgery. I worked throughout chemo and radiation working diligently on not letting others know what was going on. When I nearly died, I was up and around again the next day just figuring things out. I watched helplessly as my child went out of control, was taken out of my home and placed in a foster system that is broken and needing more assistance. I have been kicked out of a church that claimed so many rights to help. Now, the emotions need to be sorted out and so, this is the day that I have been having. Shall we begin? Oh, I thought that we were already doing that.
So, where do I begin? The amount of stress that I have experienced from the time that I was diagnosed to this day is incredible. The stress of chemo was enough. The changes that chemo did create and has left behind creates so much stress as well. Radiation is another thing altogether. But, to deal with work, daily obligations, and a family on top of all of that is more than just what the doc had ordered. I get afraid of telling people all of what has happened because they just would not believe it. Then again, I do not want to share with anyone else because it is too intense of what I had to endure. For the ones that were there, they just do not want to hear any more of what has happened. "Other people are going through things too" is what I was told. And yet another, "why are you allowing this to bother you"? So, I am looking hard at some things and working to process and sort out my thoughts.
I get very angry about things. I am not just angry for the sake of being angry; rather, I am angry because it is apparent that the concept of compassion has a limit of what it is supposed to do. I do get tired of doing all of this by myself. Many people out there are struggling without so much more. For the men and women who are told that they need to say goodbye to their families is just as hard to accept and balance. I have been told that I am having a "pity party". I hate that very much as well. I am learning that sharing with others comes at a cost. When others ask "how are you doing", what is the appropriate thing to say? Do we fabricate things because others really do not want to hear? Are others equally frustrated at how much continues to go on unabated?
When I was told to "share" by PM, I had vehemently said "no". I would not share. Now, this is where I am. I am not willing to share at the expense of what others might know or experience at what has happened to me. I choose not to divulge that much anymore. At times, I really think that the only person you can really share with is your bartender or your therapist. Humor, of course. Perhaps your dog or your cat? Just the same, I have been providing the details of my personal walk to a select and now, I am profoundly remorseful for doing it.
When I speak with other cancer patients, it is incredibly frustrating at the amount of support they have received. The cooking, cleaning, meal support, home visits, the all around support for medical rides and the like. When I share this, it is only to express just how hard I have worked to get from one point to the other. I look at some of the people that I know and wonder if they would ever be able to do the same. I get angry. I get upset at the capacity that others did not have any courage to just ask me. I get upset and angry that others did not realize that I needed the help. So, now? When I still could use the help and I ask for it? I am told that I need to get over it. I get angry when I am told that stress and cancer do not mix well together and that I should be stress free as much as possible. I get frustrated at that. I am told not to have stress, but this is the greatest stressor of my life at this point. And, doing this without the assistance of others with the expense of others criticizing me about just how much I should not be doing anything or that I should rest and relax. But! When I am relaxing, then, it is "you have been sleeping a lot lately, haven't you"?
I am reminded when PM told me that he was proud of me for working hard on myself. Proud of me. Hmm. I will remember those words for the rest of my life. I will not ever forget those words. I will never forget the importance that PM has been in my life during the most important time of need. I had to trust in the LORD about sharing and trusting in PM. I will never feel that I was wrong in doing so. I will always believe that what I had shared and with whom was appropriate. I will never accept that leaning on someone in the most deepest of needs in my life was wrong. It is simply unfortunate that things turned out the way they did.
Believing. Trusting. Silent.
I have been working hard in trying to figure out and process out these emotions and I have not been very successful about doing that. What do I mean? Since my diagnosis, the emotional and physical demand that has been placed in my life has been phenominal. I worked throughout the entire event. I went to work the third day after my first surgery and the next day after my second surgery. I worked throughout chemo and radiation working diligently on not letting others know what was going on. When I nearly died, I was up and around again the next day just figuring things out. I watched helplessly as my child went out of control, was taken out of my home and placed in a foster system that is broken and needing more assistance. I have been kicked out of a church that claimed so many rights to help. Now, the emotions need to be sorted out and so, this is the day that I have been having. Shall we begin? Oh, I thought that we were already doing that.
So, where do I begin? The amount of stress that I have experienced from the time that I was diagnosed to this day is incredible. The stress of chemo was enough. The changes that chemo did create and has left behind creates so much stress as well. Radiation is another thing altogether. But, to deal with work, daily obligations, and a family on top of all of that is more than just what the doc had ordered. I get afraid of telling people all of what has happened because they just would not believe it. Then again, I do not want to share with anyone else because it is too intense of what I had to endure. For the ones that were there, they just do not want to hear any more of what has happened. "Other people are going through things too" is what I was told. And yet another, "why are you allowing this to bother you"? So, I am looking hard at some things and working to process and sort out my thoughts.
I get very angry about things. I am not just angry for the sake of being angry; rather, I am angry because it is apparent that the concept of compassion has a limit of what it is supposed to do. I do get tired of doing all of this by myself. Many people out there are struggling without so much more. For the men and women who are told that they need to say goodbye to their families is just as hard to accept and balance. I have been told that I am having a "pity party". I hate that very much as well. I am learning that sharing with others comes at a cost. When others ask "how are you doing", what is the appropriate thing to say? Do we fabricate things because others really do not want to hear? Are others equally frustrated at how much continues to go on unabated?
When I was told to "share" by PM, I had vehemently said "no". I would not share. Now, this is where I am. I am not willing to share at the expense of what others might know or experience at what has happened to me. I choose not to divulge that much anymore. At times, I really think that the only person you can really share with is your bartender or your therapist. Humor, of course. Perhaps your dog or your cat? Just the same, I have been providing the details of my personal walk to a select and now, I am profoundly remorseful for doing it.
When I speak with other cancer patients, it is incredibly frustrating at the amount of support they have received. The cooking, cleaning, meal support, home visits, the all around support for medical rides and the like. When I share this, it is only to express just how hard I have worked to get from one point to the other. I look at some of the people that I know and wonder if they would ever be able to do the same. I get angry. I get upset at the capacity that others did not have any courage to just ask me. I get upset and angry that others did not realize that I needed the help. So, now? When I still could use the help and I ask for it? I am told that I need to get over it. I get angry when I am told that stress and cancer do not mix well together and that I should be stress free as much as possible. I get frustrated at that. I am told not to have stress, but this is the greatest stressor of my life at this point. And, doing this without the assistance of others with the expense of others criticizing me about just how much I should not be doing anything or that I should rest and relax. But! When I am relaxing, then, it is "you have been sleeping a lot lately, haven't you"?
I am reminded when PM told me that he was proud of me for working hard on myself. Proud of me. Hmm. I will remember those words for the rest of my life. I will not ever forget those words. I will never forget the importance that PM has been in my life during the most important time of need. I had to trust in the LORD about sharing and trusting in PM. I will never feel that I was wrong in doing so. I will always believe that what I had shared and with whom was appropriate. I will never accept that leaning on someone in the most deepest of needs in my life was wrong. It is simply unfortunate that things turned out the way they did.
Believing. Trusting. Silent.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
New adventures in ... not sure
Well, on Wednesday (a couple days ago), I had gone to a very interesting meeting--a support group for Breast Cancer survivors. This was more interesting than I had ever imagined. In this group, there were five of us altogether. I was the youngest of them all. The eldest of the batch was well inter her 70s. This woman was certainly a very courageous woman; in her first cancer, she was treated with cobalt instead of chemo. I cannot imagine having to go through such an incredibly intense treatment. This was a difficult meeting to attend; when I had shared my story, I did not imagine that my story was something a little more intense.
I think the most difficult part of all of this was that others had support systems. From all of the previous postings, it is easy to see just how much of a support system that I have had during all of this. So much has been an incredible shame about what has not happened about all of this. The persons that I wanted to lean on and the persons that were not there are completely different. But, most importantly, what has not been understood about comforting a person during a very critical part of their life is very needed. So much has happened and there was and is currently a huge need for comfort and support.
The diagnosis is something that changes a person's life. This change can be a positive thing depending upon the support that is offered. I had heard these women say again, several times, that they would probably go through chemo again if they needed to. I was the only one that said that I was uncertain if I could ever go through chemo again. When I look back at the physical pain that I had experienced in all of this, I cannot say that I would be willing to go through it again. But when I look back at how this impacted others' lives as well? I am uncertain about how to explain. I am thankful for a stronger walk with the LORD; I know where my help comes from. This is not a platitude. It is something that has strengthened my walk day after day. There have been so many days where I have not wanted to mingle or continue in anything that I have done. When it seemed that all hope was lost, there was strength; there was joy; there was some gleam of happiness. No, the cancer is not back; but, the difficulties that it has created are not gone. I look forward to them being gone soon.
Looking. Hoping. Seeking.
I think the most difficult part of all of this was that others had support systems. From all of the previous postings, it is easy to see just how much of a support system that I have had during all of this. So much has been an incredible shame about what has not happened about all of this. The persons that I wanted to lean on and the persons that were not there are completely different. But, most importantly, what has not been understood about comforting a person during a very critical part of their life is very needed. So much has happened and there was and is currently a huge need for comfort and support.
The diagnosis is something that changes a person's life. This change can be a positive thing depending upon the support that is offered. I had heard these women say again, several times, that they would probably go through chemo again if they needed to. I was the only one that said that I was uncertain if I could ever go through chemo again. When I look back at the physical pain that I had experienced in all of this, I cannot say that I would be willing to go through it again. But when I look back at how this impacted others' lives as well? I am uncertain about how to explain. I am thankful for a stronger walk with the LORD; I know where my help comes from. This is not a platitude. It is something that has strengthened my walk day after day. There have been so many days where I have not wanted to mingle or continue in anything that I have done. When it seemed that all hope was lost, there was strength; there was joy; there was some gleam of happiness. No, the cancer is not back; but, the difficulties that it has created are not gone. I look forward to them being gone soon.
Looking. Hoping. Seeking.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Today I continue ... I really do not want to
I am tired. I am so very tired of the same types of pain that persists and does not go away. Today, I have another headache that is just shy of a migraine. It is tiring and very stressful. I look forward to no more pain. However, I am very thankful that I have been given the opportunity to keep continuing. Funny how things are able to be that way. I get to look back at the days where I was plugged into the most horrible of soup. I remember my first chemo treatment. I remember thinking that "well, I think that I can do this". Then, the biggest bruise on my lower arm that stayed for days. One of my clients wanted to know what had happened--I had to lie. I had said that a client had done it. The bruise was that bad. But, no one can tell me about what is to be expected after chemo treatments are completed. These chronic migraines and headaches are really weighing on me. I have been so frustrated with these migraines and so saddened that they continue. But, this is post life that I must get very acquainted with. I have to be able to make it my "friend" and not fear it; but, the outlines of this friendship must be defined. I have to learn how to cope and manage my life with such a "friend" and not a foe.
Today, I have felt burnt out and ready to just relinquish many things. But, quitting is not an option. I have been tempted to just quit school, lay low and just retreat. But, all of this is not an option. I have started school back up again for one great purpose--I have been told many stupid things in my time and to have others be told the same is just beyond me. People need to know accuracy and truth, and rightness. I have to keep going. I worry very much. I worry that these headaches will continue to a point that they will disable me from doing what I want to do and need to do. I worry that these headaches will become what take me down and not be able to continue to be productive. I will continue to pray and to be sure that I take good care of myself.
Today, I will continue despite wanting to just be sitting back and relax from all of my work and endeavors. I want to take more time off and rest. But, my true sabbatical will come. And that is what I am truly looking forward to. I must practice the art of sabbatical.
Looking forward. Believing on. Not relinquishing.
Today, I have felt burnt out and ready to just relinquish many things. But, quitting is not an option. I have been tempted to just quit school, lay low and just retreat. But, all of this is not an option. I have started school back up again for one great purpose--I have been told many stupid things in my time and to have others be told the same is just beyond me. People need to know accuracy and truth, and rightness. I have to keep going. I worry very much. I worry that these headaches will continue to a point that they will disable me from doing what I want to do and need to do. I worry that these headaches will become what take me down and not be able to continue to be productive. I will continue to pray and to be sure that I take good care of myself.
Today, I will continue despite wanting to just be sitting back and relax from all of my work and endeavors. I want to take more time off and rest. But, my true sabbatical will come. And that is what I am truly looking forward to. I must practice the art of sabbatical.
Looking forward. Believing on. Not relinquishing.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Something and not just nothing
For the past several weeks, I have had the worst migraines. They have been quite disabling to me; in fact, they have been so powerful that I have gotten so far behind in things. But, today, after a very long time, I am migraine free. I have a headache, but nothing compared to what I have had. Over the past several weeks, this has been a teaser. I would get a lighter headache only to be getting ready for another one. One right after the other; dizziness, upset stomach, pain in my eyes, and light-headedness. All of this has been so overwhelming to me. It has kept me awake at night and has woken me from sleep. I have been on some powerful medications and I have not cared for that.
What triggered all of this? At the end of January, we had a family counseling cession at the counselor's office. There was aromatherapy done the cession before and it was lit when we arrived. The smell was so powerful that I had to ask for a window to be opened. Within a few minutes, I could feel the headache starting and from that point, I was going downhill all the way. I had had time to get to the grocery store and then get home before it really hit. I had to take some pain reliever and from that point onward, it was too much. Within a couple days, I had to go to urgent care and get some pain reliever. But, from that point, I had had two infected ears, and a massive migraine. I was given some very strong pain reliever and when I had gotten home, I was feeling very poorly. I was experiencing a reaction to what was given me. I ended up having to call the ambulance and be taken to the hospital. That was not an easy night and it was the most frustrating of them all. I got to the ER, lost my cookies (really good) and from there had to wait to get an IV for fluids. One thing, though.
I get frustrated. No one advocated for me. I wonder when the next time I am confronted with this if I will need to just walk out. I had had an invitation to go to church at another place a few weeks ago. I got there and had to leave because the anointing oil was so strong. I did not want to stick around and have to worry about another repeat of a week or so before. My head has hurt in ways that I have not had ever. I get irate at the concept that others will not advocate on my behalf when I am in need. I did express some things to the counselor; however, I do not know if the counselor will be able to understand the importance of advocation for some time. Perhaps being able to write about it on paper is one thing; to actually understand what it means is yet another. Do we really know what it means to advocate for someone? Will we be able to really compassionately understand what we need to do for others?
Compassion, regardless, is quintessential to our being. We need it; we require it; we need to provide the comfort.
Pressing in. Pushing on. Something more.
What triggered all of this? At the end of January, we had a family counseling cession at the counselor's office. There was aromatherapy done the cession before and it was lit when we arrived. The smell was so powerful that I had to ask for a window to be opened. Within a few minutes, I could feel the headache starting and from that point, I was going downhill all the way. I had had time to get to the grocery store and then get home before it really hit. I had to take some pain reliever and from that point onward, it was too much. Within a couple days, I had to go to urgent care and get some pain reliever. But, from that point, I had had two infected ears, and a massive migraine. I was given some very strong pain reliever and when I had gotten home, I was feeling very poorly. I was experiencing a reaction to what was given me. I ended up having to call the ambulance and be taken to the hospital. That was not an easy night and it was the most frustrating of them all. I got to the ER, lost my cookies (really good) and from there had to wait to get an IV for fluids. One thing, though.
I get frustrated. No one advocated for me. I wonder when the next time I am confronted with this if I will need to just walk out. I had had an invitation to go to church at another place a few weeks ago. I got there and had to leave because the anointing oil was so strong. I did not want to stick around and have to worry about another repeat of a week or so before. My head has hurt in ways that I have not had ever. I get irate at the concept that others will not advocate on my behalf when I am in need. I did express some things to the counselor; however, I do not know if the counselor will be able to understand the importance of advocation for some time. Perhaps being able to write about it on paper is one thing; to actually understand what it means is yet another. Do we really know what it means to advocate for someone? Will we be able to really compassionately understand what we need to do for others?
Compassion, regardless, is quintessential to our being. We need it; we require it; we need to provide the comfort.
Pressing in. Pushing on. Something more.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Moving along and moving into things
Today, my emotions are very rocky. I really do not know who to express these emotions to. This past couple of weeks, I have had the most tumultuous days. I have had the flu for nearly three weeks and my kiddo has been moved back into my home. After several months (nearly a year) of being in juvie and two foster homes, she is back. I had to ask my Pastor--why did my family have to suffer so much? I do not know. I may not ever know, but I do know one thing. The LORD has promised that all things work for good for those who love HIM. Simply put, that what happens for our destruction can and will be turned around. We must be willing to continue to keep things going on.
I am willing to keep things going on. This past couple of weeks, I have had the flu. I have had it really bad to the point that I have coughed so hard that the blood vessels in my cheeks had burst. It has been hard. I have to say. I have looked back at all of the words said, the things that have been suffered and I think of some of the futility of it all. But, it cannot be for futility. I have no regrets. Yes, it was hard to go through all of this. I know that what has happened has shaped me and made me into a person that I was supposed to be. But, to think that all of this had to happen. Many people had to hear my words. Many people had to hear what I had to say. Many people were confronted about what they did not do and what they should have done. But the most important thing that has confronted me is that many simply do not understand what they are to do to help out others. Will they walk across the street and avoid? Yes. Will they look the other way to not have to recognize what needs to be done? Yes. They will. Will this hurt? Yes it will and it is hard to accept every time. But that acceptance is here. Accepting what is necessary and needful.
Today, my feelings have been stirred up. I watched a movie that placed things in the most difficult light. I know that I have some very difficult topics that I need to discuss yet and the healing will come. I want that healing to come because there are many hurts involved. One, in particular, is the way others have viewed responsibility. This is something that I will not be able to grapple with for some time; but, I know that I will. I know that how I have been able to manage has been through necessity. This necessity has created a survival. I know that I have done little wrong. Today, I heard it said to me once again--it is not my fault. This tore me up. I know that this is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This just happened and things evolved from it.
Today, I heard something that I know I must be able to do and that is allow myself to heal. To let things go about how they went and to begin to heal. I am trying. I will be looking. And, I will be traveling in my heart to places where I have never been.
Traveling. Hoping. Believing. Reaching on.
I am willing to keep things going on. This past couple of weeks, I have had the flu. I have had it really bad to the point that I have coughed so hard that the blood vessels in my cheeks had burst. It has been hard. I have to say. I have looked back at all of the words said, the things that have been suffered and I think of some of the futility of it all. But, it cannot be for futility. I have no regrets. Yes, it was hard to go through all of this. I know that what has happened has shaped me and made me into a person that I was supposed to be. But, to think that all of this had to happen. Many people had to hear my words. Many people had to hear what I had to say. Many people were confronted about what they did not do and what they should have done. But the most important thing that has confronted me is that many simply do not understand what they are to do to help out others. Will they walk across the street and avoid? Yes. Will they look the other way to not have to recognize what needs to be done? Yes. They will. Will this hurt? Yes it will and it is hard to accept every time. But that acceptance is here. Accepting what is necessary and needful.
Today, my feelings have been stirred up. I watched a movie that placed things in the most difficult light. I know that I have some very difficult topics that I need to discuss yet and the healing will come. I want that healing to come because there are many hurts involved. One, in particular, is the way others have viewed responsibility. This is something that I will not be able to grapple with for some time; but, I know that I will. I know that how I have been able to manage has been through necessity. This necessity has created a survival. I know that I have done little wrong. Today, I heard it said to me once again--it is not my fault. This tore me up. I know that this is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This just happened and things evolved from it.
Today, I heard something that I know I must be able to do and that is allow myself to heal. To let things go about how they went and to begin to heal. I am trying. I will be looking. And, I will be traveling in my heart to places where I have never been.
Traveling. Hoping. Believing. Reaching on.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year
Happy New Year! So, this has been a very, very long year that was just finished. There has been so much that has occurred that I cannot even want to revisit this. But, there is still much to accomplish and to contemplate. Today, I have the flu. This has been coming on for the past few days. Now, this is day number 5 and I am so tired from all of this. Tomorrow, I will be going in for my mammogram and from there, will be making an appointment to see my surgeon to be sure to get my other breast examined. Yea, always having to advocate for my rights and my health. We are never to stop that. But, today, I am so tired and full of emotions.
Yesterday, I got the news of a lifetime. My kiddo wants to move back in. I do not know how I feel about it all. I do know that I have missed her, but I do not miss the anguish and I do not want to put her in a spot again with my health. There was a lot done and a lot said. This past year has been nothing more than difficult. I have felt like I have not been able to breathe. Can I breathe now? I am not sure I know how to breathe. This cancer walk is not done. The shadow of all of this is still here at home and it is not going to go away anytime soon. I want it to go away very soon. I want to breathe again.
So, now, counseling is tomorrow and we will be discussing this all. I want to get a list of "demands" together and to present them to the counselor that we might be able to discuss them. I do not want to get her in here and worry about things all over again.
We shall see.
Looking. Hoping. Believing. Trusting.
Yesterday, I got the news of a lifetime. My kiddo wants to move back in. I do not know how I feel about it all. I do know that I have missed her, but I do not miss the anguish and I do not want to put her in a spot again with my health. There was a lot done and a lot said. This past year has been nothing more than difficult. I have felt like I have not been able to breathe. Can I breathe now? I am not sure I know how to breathe. This cancer walk is not done. The shadow of all of this is still here at home and it is not going to go away anytime soon. I want it to go away very soon. I want to breathe again.
So, now, counseling is tomorrow and we will be discussing this all. I want to get a list of "demands" together and to present them to the counselor that we might be able to discuss them. I do not want to get her in here and worry about things all over again.
We shall see.
Looking. Hoping. Believing. Trusting.
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